k i started out today well. an english muffin with 1 tsp of jelly.
my aunt came and we ate in the cafeteria then i went out to eat with a friend. i'm sure i didnt do well.
i have family pictures this weekend and i'm afraid i'm going to be the whitest one there
why do i worry so much about the future. if i'll get married, if i'll find a job. its all soo stressful to me. i've got to learn to let go of stuff.anyway, i got an email from my ex today. i think i've got to let him go too. he goes back and forth from wanting me to not wanting me and its wearing me out. i'm not even that sure that i'd want to be with him anyway, i just want a boyfriend. i want to be happy and make someone else happy and i feel like that will never happen. people tell me i'm pretty and i'll get married but i just don't believe them.
i'm just worn out from life. i hate that this sounds like i'm depressed but today was just rough.
ok. so this morning i weighed 150.5. this is the true test of if i can get over the 150 hump. the thing is though i'm sure its up some because i ate a lot today and i'll be out of town all weekend w/ family that loves to eat so it will be a temptation since i'm at the bottom of 150 not to shoot for 140 or 135 like i'm wanting to. i just have to remind myself of the benefits of losing and not stuffing my face.
my friend J has connections with nike and i'm getting some new running shoes for 1/2 off so maybe that will be a little motivation to start running more often
MB and i have gone consistently but she cant run too far which is is crazy to me since she's like 20 lbs lighter....(but only 5 lbs lighter than i will be soon =). haha)
i can't compare myself with girls who are 5'2. or even 5'5. i like losing weight but i just allow others to control my diet too often. i've got to be more stubborn with my eating habits.
i'm not sure if i mentioned last time but MB and i were running last night and a puppy started chasing us. we have no idea where it's house is and it's black and little so we're keeping it until we find the owner. its laid out on the couch right now resting on my lap. we named it marfie. haha i know such a retarded name. i think its cute though. anyway the dog looks like its 1/2 lab, 1/2 pitbull. its black but in the light it has a brown tint. it has greenish gold eyes. absolutely gorgeous. and its so sweet. i was holding it and it kept nuzzling its head in my arms. i want to keep it!! haha.
i've got to get more sleep tonight but i've been having problems sleeping b/c i keep thinking about so much stuff.
i decided to try to only weigh 1 day a week because seeing numbers go up by 1.5 lbs after a late night dinner is depressing. i'm still trying to figure out the best way to handle all this
ok, ok. i've learned my lesson on splurging. tonight i made up for it. i almost didn't eat dinner but i was starving so i ate a banana and light chips and a little salsa for dinner with. about 3 points total. tomorrow is a new day =) i bought a measuring tape so i could track inches lost rather than focusing completely on weight. =)
well, today started out ok. i had some baked oatmeal sqaures which are 2 points. then on the way to school i asked K if she was still doing WW and she said no. i also didn't have any lean cuisines to take for lunch and i had no time to make a lunch so i just had to buy my lunch in the hospital cafeteria.
what did i buy?
a hamburger, fries, and a cookie.
well thats great. so i'm going to have to not eat much tonight. luckily i know i had 3 points left from yesterday and i can just make sure i eat within my points for the rest of the week.
i have family pictures this weekend. i've been tanning for them luckily i can finally see a difference.
i went running today with MB. for once i was the one being held back. i feel like i've gotten so much healthier lately. even though i still can't run that far it feels good that i can definitely run farther than i used to be able to. MB said she wants to start running every day or every other day which is wonderful because i've been looking for a running partner and since she is one of my roommates it works out perfectly.
i don't know why finding out K quit WW had an effect on me. at first it made me want to give up but now i want to stick with it so maybe she'll wish she had stayed on it. haha does that sound mean?? i hope not. maybe it will encourage her. i have 2 pounds to go til i get my pedicure! ahh i can't wait. i've never had one before.
ok so i tried on my "goal jeans" yesterday and i can definitely tell a difference in the fit. they're still a tad tight in the thigh but the waist fits much better.
anyway. i need to go shopping for those pictures. i have to find a solid black shirt and a solid blue shirt so hopefully i have some luck!
wow i've been writing in here so often! its kind of crazy. anyway i'm sitting down attempting to write my resume but it seems like all this other stuff is suddenly so important. i'm wanting to get some food but know it will be out of boredom. ive gotta get this resume done but i am going to walmart right after to do some shopping for groceries and other stuff and i'm going to buy a measuring tape to start recording that b/c i know that probably matters more than the actual scale weight. who knows how accurate my scale actually is. its only a few years old but some people tell me it weighs them heavier than theirs and some say it weighs lighter. who knows i just use it to see if i'm going up or down.
i'm really liking having this new blog to write on. i like that no one i know knows i have it. if that made any sense. basically i know that when i write on xanga sometimes i feel like i write things for other's benefit but i know when i write on here i don't care what i write because no one i know personally will ever know i have it...hopefully.
anyway, after today and yesterday being devoted mostly to guitar hero, i've realized how much what you spend your time doing will consume your thoughts. for those of you that actually read this, if you haven't played guitar hero, its basically a guitar version of dance dance revolution where notes come at you on a screen and you have to hit the right button and strum at the same time. anyway, i was just in the bathroom and there is this plate with a red purse and polka dots on it for decoration and on that purse i saw some guitar hero notes forming. it was really kind of strange.
anyway, this got me to thinking. so, if i'm sitting on tv all day watching characters eat and watching commercials for all this good food what am i going to think about? how "deprived" i am of food and how i really just want a huge cheeseburger. well, if i'm keeping busy, reading, reading fitness magazines, shopping even. talking to friends. food won't be on my mind as much and i will probably be more successful with this whole eating healthy thing.
i think the same thing applies to my spiritual walk. as i said today and yesterday were basically spent playing guitar hero, and while i have definitely improved my "guitar" playing skills and had some fun with my roommates while we played, my mind was basically numb and neutral for 2 days. i did nothing to focus my life on God and where i should be.
basically my life needs some organization and defining. while i'm on the right path i know i still need some work and luckily i'm not in this alone. i can feel God pulling me to spend time with Him and as much as i want to play guitar hero, its such a great feeling to be wanted that much. i've got to learn to tell my friends to wait. or even no. i've got to start studying for boards and getting to know Jesus on a deeper level daily.
as far as the "diet" goes (i hate to even call it that because it makes me think of chocolate powder shakes) i did alright today, considering it was saturday
i woke up at 11 and had a breaded chicken filet and some tapioca pudding
i was starving around 5 so i ate some oatmeal
at 9 i had some chicken quesidillas and a margarita..but i drank water. going out to eat is always hard but, i had done alright for the rest of the day. i weighed tonight, and i weighed 153, which is what i weighed yesterday morning. i know there is so much fluctuation day to day but i was just glad to see i wasn't up by 4 pounds or something crazy like that. =)
my struggle right now is getting bored of the foods i can eat. i know there are lots of things at the store i could buy but the problem is i'm on a college income and i'm cooking for 1.
my meal options basically include cereal, oatmeal, macaroni, chicken filets, lean cuisines, or some random pudding, quakes, raisins or things like that. its hard to have variety.
i'm off to bed. my schedule is whack. =) i've gotta get it somewhat back to normal before monday when my day will begin promptly at 6:00 AM.
well, i woke up this morning and weighed and i weighed 1.5 lbs less than i did yesterday and although i'm sure most of this is water weight its still encouraging since this is about the lowest i usually get before i give up. its like i'm scared to move beyond the big 1-5-0 mark. why? i have no idea. it makes no sense to me.
i remember getting lots of attention when i lost weight in high school about it but i don't know why i'd necessarily be scared of that...i looked great when i did lose weight and people just wanted to congratulate me.
i am goign to keep pushing through. but in my mind when i think about it, i feel like i'm going to give up as if weighing 150 is good enough? maybe once i get to 149 i will keep going to my goal
today i need to:
eat healthy and within my range.
do my Bible study (maybe 2 days worth)
look over some board stuff
tan
play guitar hero, of course
enjoy the rain
put my clothes away
i'm loving this journal. seeing my weight results in a graph. seeing my progress. good stuff. =)
well the dr pepper was 3 points then i had some 3 point pringles
so..
4, 4, 2, 3, 3= 16
for dinner i had some queso and chips and half a grilled chicken sandwich and some fries which i'm sure was more than the 7 points i was allowed, but i did have some extra points to spare from this week.
i don't know why i push myself to stay up so late. i've got to start focusing on boards!
i'm going to weigh now. probably not the best time though...we'll see.
well, this is a very cool website to have found today. i've been thinking about how i needed to journal more often and this combines that with my current goal of losing weight and being more healthy. i've come to realize how important exercise is with this whole concept. i watched a documentary on heart health and it kind of woke me up to the fact that eating fast food and sitting on my butt all day isn't the most healthy thing i could be doing.
anyway, i recently got highlights and started tanning and although i've lost a few pounds, i really would like to lose a significant amount to be able to feel my best. my goal is to weigh 135 which is a good size for my height, i think.
i've been feeling kind of sick lately. its kind of frustrating because its been this way since about christmas and i can't sleep very well.
anyway, i've been doing weight watchers and i think if i stick with it the pounds will begin to melt away so i want to keep updated on my progress and work on this website to maybe keep me focused on my goals.
today i've had :
a bowl of strawberry mini wheat cereal (4 points)
a bowl of soup (4 points)
a grilled cheese (2 points)
a dr. pepper ...unsure of the points
which leaves me about 10 points for tonight, which isn't bad.
if i lose 5 pounds (which would actually be 149, since i started at 154) mom said she'd buy me a pedicure
if i lose 10 pounds (144) i will buy myself a movie
if i lose 15 pounds (139) i will buy myself some new jeans
if i lose 19 pounds, which is my real goal (135) i will buy myself a new outfit (jeans, cute shirt, earrings, shoes)
which means i better be saving some money =)
i've been walking with serena at the walking trail which makes me feel good. i walked 2 times this week and ran 1 time.
my legs were sore after the running, which makes me feel good because usually, i run out of breath before my legs get tired.
i've been staying within my point range this week. i know this will work because i've done it before and lost about 20 pounds. =)
tonight, i dont have any definite plans. i'm going to tan with nikki at 6 and possibly hang out with anna beth tonight.
i've been doing laundry all day and i'm exhausted. i really feel like there is something wrong with me because all i want to do is sleep or just lay down. is it laziness or am i sick? i don't know but the only thing that sounds good right now i laying down on the couch and reading a good book.
God is amazing. he's been teaching me about his love for me. its unconditional. he will never stop loving me because he IS love. there is nothing i could do to make him not love me. he has released me from so much i was bonded to before and i want to learn to give him complete control of every aspect of my life. he is deepening my walk with him and my faith. last night my bible study was on giving him control of every aspect of my life and how he should fill up every morsel. every little space of our bodies. that way we don't rely on others for emotional support. God thinks i am gorgeous and he knows my inner thoughts and still loves me. he wants to spend time with me. what more could i ask for?
