i dont think anyone i know reads this blog and i just have a few things i need to get off my chest. its been so long since i blogged anything, i dont even have a site anymore along with my livejournal password being forgotten. oh well shit moves on. im tottally over it. latelty shit has been out of control. since january i have been all over the place drug, mind, body i dont know what happened. i am so lost within myself. trapped in this world i DO NOT want to be in. right now me and joe are on a break, his choice. hes confused. i cant blame him im the only girl hes been with since he was 16 ~ so thats hard =/ makes me want to cry. he promised me that we would still spend time together as support - we still love eachother. but his sisters b-days were the other day and for the past 4 years i was there for their family dinner etc. he didnt call or invite me at all. i was in complete shock. it hurt so much i wanted to cry. later on in the vening his sister invited me over for a smoke, he didnt even seem phased by it. was like oh i didnt realize -- how not. one minuete i feel apart of the family, then its like i never existed. i hate it. i am confused because what if i dont want to be with joe either, what if i am just as confused. which i am cause with a certain drug of choice i cant keep my hands to myself when it comes to men its weird. i love joe with all my heart n never would cheat on him but i am looseing control at times. he seems okay. and last night gave me a hug, not a kiss but keeps reminding me that he loves me. soooooooo hard to read him. i hate it but any contact with him i am okay with because i want that, and possibly need it. i know i dont need him but i miss talking to him, i miss having him a person i can call, i miss hanging out with him, making plans, bossing him around lol. getting in silly fights just becuase. i do it to annoy him, i think its cute =] lol he knows im messing, and i know he is too so we are okay with all of that.
Today is my birthday =) ya im 21 now. Last night when I turned 21, at midnight my Mom came upstairs and hugged me and I just started bawling. It's a scary thing growing up, I dont want to and I know I'm not ready for it =/
I'm sure things will be fine and of course life will go on... but thats the scary part. Today is a happy day - thats all that counts.
First of all, wow thirty pounds?! The compliments are just never ending I'm not use to all of the positive attention, feels nice. Some have even said everything is just melting off of me - all I'm thinking is FINALLY!!!!
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on another subject I booted my site out so I do not own that anylonger. It's a shame as I liked owning a website, but things have changed dramatically since highschool let out etc and upkeeping a domain is just not happening. Any if all blog entries will be here I sappose.... sometimes I just need to get everything out in typeing form.
welp thats all. lost weight, my birthday is tomarrow!! 21, yikes!
THAT PRETTY MUCH EXPLAINS THE ANGER IN HOW I TRY AND TRY TO ACHEIVE SOMETHING AND OF COURSE HARD WORK AND I GAINED BACK SOME OF WHAT I LOST. seven damn pounds. wayyyy to go cassie
For so long I was stuck at 220, then 215 then 210, 205, 200-201. Finnnnally I hit 199. Even though its no my target weight, it still ment so much to me to even be back in the "one hundred" range. Lowest I seen on the scale so far was 193.8 which is love. My goal for next month is 89-85 and 80 would be amaaaazing. wanna get anywhere in the 180's.
The way I have been loosing weight isn't that great. I eat less, but before I was eating too much. So now its just 2-3 meals a day. (unless i pig out which does happen on occasions, mostly at night under the influence) I have hypoglycemia (idk how to spell that) and i need sugar - but ive noticed that i do eat and i cant look down or i get really dizy n things get fuzzy. its hard to concentrate n i have to breathe more sufficiently. I like that im loosing weight, and i dont think im not doing it in a non-healthy way. (somewhat) if i only eat once in a day thats bad. in a sence i almost brag about the fact that i dont eat.
lately my boyfriend has been becomming more and more concerned about the fact that i dont eat so much now. i feel terrible that i lie to him on how much i eat. its just that he comes down on me so hard and its not annoying but i dont like disappointing him or getting him all upset about something that isnt that huge of a deal. yeah i lie n say i ate two times earlier than the time i did eat.
yesturday was one sub and pop, finished some salad at his house, and got ice cream at dairy queen. it sounds bad but my body doesnt want so much food now that i have "shrunk" my stomach to a normal size. two hotdogs sound amaxing in my head but then they are in front of me and im trying to eat it and the look and taste is sickening to me.
idk thers no point in going over this. no one will read this and if they do im just going to get "oh you need to eat healthy, listen to your boyfriend" i guess maybe it is bad and i dont want to hear it. but my life doesnt revolve around food like it use too. and i just dont want food if im not hungry. you know?
bagle with cream cheese and a diet coke and water all day and its 4:30, its bad yeah but i work 9-2:30 at my one job, then 3-6 at the next. the comute is 30 mins, no time to stop, no room to eat cause i dont get paid lunch - and no money to buy cause my money goes to college. i get off at 6, imma get home and just let loose cause its friday thank GOD, shower and then some scaloped potatoes and ham from last night. (didnt get any cause i ... didnt want any) but i hope there is some left and no one ate it all.
I have been doing great. I know its been a week, but 206.5 from 208 ... its progression. Before I was just not eating, now im eating what I want. Key: I stopped eating when I wasn't hungry. Doh! What an ass I am, seriously. I don't understand how I let myself do stupid shit ... but it makes sence, I eat when I'm bored and bored and bored and sad.
Last night at work I was drinking a pepsi from home, and as I was drinking it I was thinking wow I haven't had pepsi in a long time. Lately my parents haven't bought soda in a while, no idea why so I wasn't able to drink any. I drank juice, kool-aid, & water. So cutting back on soda alone, I am sure made the most impact.
went for a walk with my sister monday. got a blister on the back of my heel but its doing better. i really wanted to go for a walk again that night or at least daily when my sister gets home cause thast when we are able to walk together
anywho down to 208 -- pretty good. seems like lb a day tho. but maybe thats how its sappose to be? idk im content. 185 here i comeeeeeeeeee
oh and i almost (eh they fit all the way up but i have three inches till it buttons) fit -- size 13/14 =D
Just a quick post, my scale read 210 this morning! I've been at 210 before, but I am really striving to be at 185. Thats a goal weight i should be trying to acheive so I beleive I am going to change that number of 130 to 185. Today I wore my black belt that I normally wear at the first ... uh hole whatever you call it, and today i am at the third whole. Also I can wear my size 15 jeans (kinda still tight) and I was wearing a 17-18. So in a weeks time it's looking up.
Last night I did binge and ate so much at the end of the night. Salmon, peas, once peice of bread, and maccoroni. When I binge eat I eat everything so fast that the food hits my stomach lster than I feel I'm full, so I keep in eating -- then im too full. So yesturday night I ate that and an apple in the afternoon.
i am pretty sure that no one or not many visit my "blog"; i dont write much because of this. I sappose in terms of writting am I writting for myself or for others? For myself I feel as though I am publishing my faults through-out the days .. making myself feel bad. I dont want to concentrate on my downfalls, nor can I type out my accomplishments. My "accomplishments" when it comes to my health and weight loss almost do not exist. The only time I see a change is when I don't eat all, gee what an accomplishment!
That gives me 73 er so days that I should/could have used to loose weight and watch myself. Last month my health flew off the charts. I was diagnosed with a seizure disorder and hypoglycemia. I am not useing those as excuses, cause I have no excuse. Still bouncing between 220 and 225!! oh yay!
