Well, here I go again. I had good intentions back in February. But due to extreme financial stress. I have munched myself through the last few months. I feel frozen and unable to make the right choices. My husband who used to bring home a six figure salary is now unemployed and has not brought home a paycheck in months. My entire family is now uninsured and we are barely holding on. The other day I sold my jewelry to pay electric and my car payment. I just feel like I have no control over anything in my life. At least in the past I had security, the weight I was carrying around was the only issue I had to deal with. But now, there is so much more. I went back to work, which I actually enjoy. In fact, it has brought back self worth in me. I am getting dressed up every day, putting on makeup and having somewhat of a social life again. Before, I was always at home and just about wore the same few things all the time. I am discovering that people really like me alot. I put smiles on everyone's faces, so this makes me feel good. I like making others happy. Now, i just need to work on making myself happy. I have spent so much time on pleasing my children and husband, dog whoever that I do not know how to please and take care of myself. Right now i am really focusing on surviving. I could really use some support and direction. I just do not know how to do this weight loss thing on my own. I guess I will just take it day by day. Hope everyone else is doing good. I will keep in touch, this blog could be very good therapy for me. Wish me luck.
I made it to the gym today!!!Wow! It actually felt really good. The first 3 minutes were hard on the elliptical machine and thought for a moment I am not going to make it. But with the help of my ipod and good music it drove me on to make it to 25 minutes. Then I worked out my legs. So, I will return tomorrow. The eating part I was not so good in, I will have to work on that. Especially due to tomorrow for Valentine's day we will be having a chocolate fondue, but with fruit.LOL! A nice bordeux will go very nice with that also. I figure everything in moderation right? Welll, gotta go and put the kiddies to bed. See ya!
Well, what can I say...I was good until I picked the children up from school and all I could think of was the brownies I made two days before. They were calling me. I could not stop thinking about how yummy they are. They are my favorite kind. Frosted brownies. Why did I have to be such a great baker? So of course I gave in to the temptation, and once I did this it was like ok, I messed up now I can mess up the rest of the day. I will start tomorrow again. And so, it will be a new day tomorrow. I had a bad start but I will persevere. Wish me luck!!!
So after my shamu experience, we trailed over to the journey of Atlantis ride. Hoping that the women who took over my seat does not follow me we get on this new thriller water ride. Dropping 50 feet into a pool of water, I am now drenched, but had fun. Once again my sons want to see the action photo of us on this ride and once again I am faced of who I truly am, only with the wet look. I am by no means Bo Derek on the beach. Reality hits me. I now know that I need to take control of my life and take care of my life. I've know this all along but just never took action. I have been overweight for about 7 years. My boys are 9 years old now, so I cannot blame it on baby weight. It purely is overeating, wine, martini's, frosted brownies and chocolate chip cookies. I could blame it on premenopause, but I know this is not so. It is all self induced. No one to blame but myself. So, this is why I have titled my blog living life again. Because I have not been living my life but only going through the motions. Just getting through the days. Waiting for bed time everyday in hopes that the next day will be a divine intervention of how I am living my life today. I will awake the next morning and be this healthy person making the right food choices, going to the gym and living my life to the fullest. But it is always the same day everyday. The same choices everyday. I have made food my entertainment instead of something that is to just fuel my body. So, tonight as I write my soul out into this blog, I find this very theraputic and a release of my secrets. The darkness that being overweight holds in our life. Every layer of fat that I will shed over the course of this journey will be a new release of something that has kept me in this body for so long. I am going to share this experience with everyone in hopes that I will touch someone else's heart and mind as they are on their journey to a new you. The journey begins with new hopes,new dreams, a renewed spiritual self , self confidence, self love, healthy hearts and minds, endless energy and of course a new body.
Today is my first day of my journey to living life again. I have managed to eat every forbidden food that there is over the last few days preparing myself for the day. The first day. I remind myself of a mother bear eating everything to excess in preparation for the winter months where I will hibernate. So, I must eat as much as I can so I will not go hungry. I probably could have gone on forever if it was not for the trip to Seaworld yesterday. It was a maddening moment of self discovery after riding the Shamu express ride. For one thing, I was very uncomfortable and squished in my seat as the safety bar was squishing on my second row of belly fat. But the true awakening moment was after the ride, when you go to see your picture of yourself on this thrill ride. I ran over with my twin sons in great excitement to catch the moment together of us all on this rollercoaster ride. When I came across our picture I was horrified!! No, really, really horrified. I glimpsed at this picture for only a second and found myself running immediately away from it shooing my children and husband from seeing this picture of this woman riding this ride with them. As if it was not me. Who is that woman riding this ride with my children?! I was on that ride not her. She is bloated, almost deformed looking. Why her arms are huge! Her face has no definition. Her eyes are so small like little slits. I was in total shock and felt this shame wash over me. How did this happen to me? How does my husband even find me attractive? Who have I been fooling this whole time? I look at myself in the mirror everyday. I did not see this woman in the picture. It was an awakening experience for me.
