DO YOU THINK NORMAL WEIGHT PEOPLE LOVE THEMSELVES MORE?
Okay, today I guess I'm trading one addiction for another though right now I'd rather ba a blogaholic that a foodaholic ... LOL! This question of whether normal weight people love themselves more than overweight people revisits my mind once in awhile and I wonder if anyone out there has any thoughts on this. I guess I'm not referring to those "unfortunate few" ... NOT ... that can eat and eat and eat and still not gain an ounce but those who really have to make a conscious effort to maintain their weight and choose to do so. It is my understanding that, weird genetics notwithstanding, that for the average person, what's on the outside is a reflection of what's on the inside and so if this is true, it ought to lend credence to the notion that if the outside isn't attractive, there must be a reason going on inside for this manifestation. I really struggle with this idea and I only know that for me, this notion seems to ring true.
I do know that losing weight doesn't really change who I am ... that I'm still "me" but I believe it will make for a happier, more self confident me who is better able to assert herself and go for what I really want in life. Not that this doesn't entail real work but if we aren't worrying constantly, obsessing about our looks and being overweight, I do think it frees our minds to concentrate on things that are way more important. I hate how I waste so damn much time obsessed with my weight and my looks and it depresses the heck out of me. I want to be a normal weight, not to stand out for being overweight. Come on, if we're brutally honest with ourselves, when we're out and about, don't we look for someone who is REALLY obese, way more so than us and at least sigh an internal sigh of relief that, as big as we are, we haven't allowed ourselves to go to seed like someone even bigger than we are??
I know that too many of us are trying to use food to medicate ourselves and to thus get a temoporary wave of relief. But when that wave subsides, as it always does, we're still left with our problems, our issues, and until we stop this insane cycle of eating to mask our pain, whatever it is, we are never, IMHO, ever going to really get better.
I am one who has used my weight to deprive myself of so many opportunities that could ultimately lead me toward living a far richer, healthier and happier life. I really do know that losing weight is not a panacea, but it is a great place to start and once this most obvious of issues is under control it does, I believe, free us up to address less obvious but no less pressing issues.
So, do you think, as I do, that normal weight people love themselves more? Think about it and feel free to share your thoughts as I think this would be a great question to generate some dialogue.
It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that I am SSSOOO ready for the new season of Biggest Loser to start tonight as I am woefully in need of inspiration as I struggle to hold onto my newly begun ... or rebegun ... fight to lose weight. It's been a dreary and overcast day and while I love that the awful heat of the south seems to be gone .. . at least for this week ... with our taste of fall ... the dreariness has also colored my mood. I am STILL bummed out that I feel as if I am getting the cold shoulder ... the silent treatment ... from Jim for reasons undeserved and unknown, but then again, things could be very stressful on the homefront wih his mom's health as he hasn't posted to any of our Yahoo groups either so I also hold on not to take it personally and allow that to send me far too easily into destructive ... make that HIGHLY destructive ... emotional eating mode.
I know that I have got to prioritize my life and address what is most important ... getting a job, maybe two ... at least a PT one as I prepare to look for a FT one and that this relationship ought to take a back seat to that and this weight loss, my two most pressing issues needing my full blown attention right now but that is so much easier said than done. Still, even if I have to blog a dozen times a day ... if that's what it takes ... it's better than eating. Blogging can allow me to purge my feelings whereas eating only stuffs them further down inside of me.
I am a classic emotional eater and I am trying to hold on HARD to my resolve to lose this time. I go through these periods where maybe I think too much and today a recent conversation with my friend Mary is stuck in my head and it's bumming me out. She told me not to settle for being with an emotionally absent man. Now, I haven't yet met the man of my dreams as we live in different states but there are definitely times his feelings seem to run hot and cold as does his attentiveness. In the past two days he hasn't responded to my e-mails to him. We did text a couple of times last night but when I left a voice message asking him to call, well ... big surprise ... NOT ... he didn't. And I keep telling myself that though the initial motivation might be to get this weight off PDQ as I am scared to meet him this heavy, that my losing ultimately has to be for ME, whether or not he's in my life.
It bothers me that, upon replaying my recent conversation with Mary, it seems that, in hindsight, every man I've been in a serious relationship with has been emotionally absent and/or that there's been an abandonment of affection and that hurts when I am such a giver and I throw all of me and all my love into every relationship.
Good old Dr. Phil (or I think it is him) says we teach people how to treat us and I wouldn't argue with that. The only disturbing question becomes, why would we teach people to treat us badly? But then, if you look to the Bible and its teaching to love our neighbors as ourselves, maybe that best explains how there is so much hurt and hatred in the world because we've failed miserably at loving ourselves. I know I have. Why is it that I can't treat myself as I would my best friend and really be there for myself? Then, if I were truly secure in myself, these emotionally abandoned men would not stand a chance with me.
I do know this much ... I have managed to remain single all my life ... some 49 years and nearly 4 months now, and at least I have enough love and a good enough head on my shoulders that, as much as I do wish to be married, I haven't yet settled with someone totally wrong for me.
I really REALLY need to work diligently at this whole self love, self esteem, self confidence thing and then I won't find myself attracting or being attracted to men who abandon me and withdraw their affections.
I have cut Jim a lot of slack because he is in a difficult position, being a part time single dad and having to care for his dying mom on top of all his other responsibilites but, be that as it may, I can't continue to make excuses and let him off the hook indefinitely. I am apt to react when I'm most hurt and I am ever so slowly training myself and reminding myself that this is the worst possible time to react and/or to make decisions that will end up being rash decisions as I don't have the presence of mind to think or feel or act calmly and rationally. So, for now, I'm trying hard to hold onto my resolve and reminding myself over and over as many times as it takes NOT to allow anyone to get the better of me ... and especially, not to send me in a self-sabotaging emotional eating binge. Not an easy task by any stretch of the imagination but I just have to take it one moment at a time.
If Jim is intentionally ignoring and/or avoiding me, well two can play this stupid little game and I have to, as hard as it is to do so, just sit tight and allow him to make the next move. Maybe ... dare to dream ... when he realizes I'm not so readily available, he'll actually miss me. But if not, there too is a telling response of NO response and that would speak vollumes, too of complete indifference. Thank goodness I have this place to blog out my feelings as it is cathartic to do so, especially if others can relate and possibly offer good food for thought.
They say that there's a sucker born every minute. Well, maybe I'm the latest??? I logged onto my MySpace page after a long absence, clicked on the ad to see if I qualify for the free trial of the Chinese Weight Loss tea, which I do, so it'll be on its way to me soon. Of course, nothing's REALLY free but I am desperate to get this blasted weight off of me so I am willing to try almost anything. So, am I a sucker or has anyone else ever tired it and found that it really DOES work? Just wondering!
Well, I am NOT off to a good start. Actually, my starting weight of 236 reflects what I weighed last Saturday as 5 of us friends get an early start on this next season of The Biggest Loser. And this morning, it is 238 ... ARGH! A most undeserved two pound gain. This is all out WAR. I have allowed my weight to cause me to put my life on hold but no more. I will not allow my weight to continue to hold me hostage! It has thus far prevented me from meeting the man of my dreams - Jim - whom i met online this March. Only by a sad situation - his being the primary caregiver to his mom who is dying of ovarian cancer has it had a legitimate reason to keep us from having yet met as I live in South Carolina and he lives in Virginia. But the truth is, we COULD have met by now, regardless of his mom's failing health. He's an avid football fan so I made a casual comment awhile back about our meeting after the Super Bowl and doggone if I am not ready to meet him by then, by having lost enough weight that I am not scared for us to meet face to face. I realize that with Jim, thank goodness, I don't need to be a stick figure standing next to hhim as he is 6'8" to my 5'5" so that's one good thing that being with a shorter guy might make me feel I had to lose MORE weight, though, regardless, I do still have my goal of what I want to weigh, whether we are as crazy about one another AFTER we meet as we are now. The good thing about the long distance relationship is that it forces you to get to know each other through IMs, e-mails and phone calls and so we will have a pretty darn good idea about what we're getting ourselves into when we do meet face to face. BUT, mind you, if perhps it doesn't work out (BOO HOO), life will go on and the weight will be lost!
I am back here at EP where I know I absolutely NEED to be. I have managed to do miserably on my own and know that only by the support received here at EP, by blogging and being BRUTUALLY honest with myself and y'all, do I ever EVER hope to get this weight off. So, here's raising a glass of water to salute myself and all the other proud members of this fine website on our respective weight loss adventures!
