Today's the day....

I'm back on track, no cheating, I've got to get this weight off! My 20th anniversary of me being at the same job was this past week and my boss had a party with my friends and family last Monday night. She got the pictures back yesterday and I was horrified! Who did I think I was kidding wearing a black shirt? My belly roll and big arms are out of control....I'm not a negative person and don't think it does any good to beat myself up about it, but I really couldn't believe the pictures.

I'm making out an exercise rotation that I'm going to stick to, plan my meals, and most of all, I'm sticking to my points. I will do this!

All or nothing mentality

I've really been struggling lately, I'm really getting hung up with my "all or nothing" mentality. If I stay on plan, following the 8HG's, exercise, etc. I designate that as a "good" day, and if I overeat even by a few points, not exercise, I say that's a "bad" day. I've having a hard time getting out of that funk. I've read a lot about this but not much about how to "fix" it.

I realized yesterday, with some exceptions I've been in this pattern for over four years now. I rationalize since I'm not as heavy as I was that the occasional bout of overeating is fine as long as I get back on track and maintain at my current weight. I'm not big on "beating myself up" for my overeating, but I think of where I could be (maintenance) and really berate myself for it. I'm proud of myself for what I've achieved but I'm definitely not where I want to be.

I read a message the other day about not having a plan for maintenance. What is the plan? Follow WW to a tee never allowing ourselves an overindulgence? When I do overindulge instead of accepting that its part of real life, I beat myself up and feel like I'm off the wagon.

It bothers me that I don't feel like I'll ever be "fixed". Honestly I thought it would get easier, that the food issues would disappear, that I would automatically exercise daily, etc.

It definitely feels better getting it out, but these are some issues I'm dealing with.

Finished workout and feel great!

I just finished Cathe Friedrich's Low Max workout and feel so good! I woke up at 3 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep, piddled on the internet for awhile, DH has to go to work at 4:30 so after he left I started working out. The scale said 188.8 for the third straight down in a row. Can't wait till it drops...maybe tomorrow!

Feeling good....

I feel very in-control after a few good on-program days and wonder why I struggle so much. I just got through with TOM and always have a good week afterwards so I'm going to take advantage of it so that after this week I'll definitely be in a groove and won't want to cheat.

I'm an emotional eater. I eat when I'm happy, sad, frustrated. I'm very happy with my marriage, my job, my kids are healthy and smart, my spiritual life--no hidden frustrations except like everyone else I'd like to have less debt. LOL

All I can figure out is that I love food--the smell, the texture, the taste. And I like LOTS of food. I'm definitely a quantity eater also. Along my weight loss journey I've figured out that my body will just have to accept the smaller portions and I'll have to "fill up" on water and then busy myself with other stuff and not focus so much on food. I think about food all the time--I think most people that are overweight are like that. And I really don't think there's any "fixing" it. I've waited for things to "click" all these years and there's definitely nothing easy to losing weight. Its a lot of work but the benefits are definitely worth it!

Back in the 180's!

I'm ON program baby! I keep telling myself that when I'm tempted to overeat. I'm trusting in the WW program, that if I stick to it, I will lose this weight. Staying within points is going to be the key for me, so I'm being very careful. I've made out a list of meal ideas to choose from to help with planning and so far so good, this morning I was at 188.8. I'm NOT going to go back to the 190's, its all downhill from here!

Difference between morning and night

Anyone feel like they're unstoppable in the mornings concerning weight loss and then by the time evening comes want to eat everything? Before evening service at church I had eaten almost all my points and told myself that I could have a little snack when I got back home. I ate a WW lemon cake and then proceeded to eat a ham & cheese sandwich and some goldfish crackers. Not horrible, but definitely over points. My resolve is so strong in the mornings...sure wish I could carry that feeling over into the night!

Changed my design!

I joined a Christmas challenge on the WW board and wanted my blog design to reflect it. All I have to do is stay consistent and I'm perfectly capable of being at WW goal (at least 169)--I've got four months!

I've been thinking a lot about self-love. I really have a problem thinking about how in the world am I worthy to have God's love and forgiveness; and how I ever got fortunate enough to have a such a loving and caring husband.

I've always struggled with low self-esteem--before, during and after the break-up of my first marriage. Dating my first husband I latched on to someone that showed me the slightest bit of attention. I thought as long as I had a man I could change what I didn't like, etc. I couldn't make him happy at the end regardless of what I did. Again I thought it was me-instead of his problems, insecurities, etc.

I had been on and off diets up until the point of my 10-yr. marriage ending. But when he told me that he loved me more when I was 145 lbs. I felt if I was higher than that weight then how in the world would someone love me. I became obsessed. When I overate it was due to resentment that stemmed from those hurtful things he said.

There are times in my current marriage that I will eat ice cream with my DH, feeling very comfortable with the relationship and wanting acceptance. Well, I have acceptance already. He was with me at my highest weight of 285. When we met I was 175. He loves me regardless--I can quit testing him!

I have to practice self love. I have to make the best choices for my health. Food is not connected to relationships anymore.

Down another pound!

Day #5 OP and I got up and worked out this morning. I did the Firm Ultimate Calorie Burner. Feels good getting back to my morning workout routine.

I was thinking this morning that 192 lbs. seems to be my "freak out" number and I won't allow myself to go over. I get very settled in the 180's though and I definitely don't want to stay there. But I think I'm not that bad and definitely not as bad as I was. But I've leveled out in between 170-190 for four years and all that's standing between me and my goals is CONSISTENCY!

Up and at 'em!

Making myself a priority--I'm up and ready to exercise again this morning. Going to bed about 9  or 9:30 p.m. or so is definitely going to be key for me to get up at 5 a.m.

The scale was down a little over a pound this morning. Just have to stay consistent!

32.6 pounds to go!

I had an OP weekend!

I challenged myself to see if I could have a complete 100% on-plan weekend and I did it! I don't know why I feel powerless to do it. It was really easy and I feel great. I made myself a promise that I would weigh-in on Mondays no matter what. Well, I'm at 192.8. That's about the same I was in April and here it is the end of August....I have got to stay consistent with my eating and working out to get results. I deleted all my previous weights on my weight tracker and ready to start fresh. Hey, I've already got an OP weekend under my belt!