In order to try and get inspired all over again, I was looking at my previous blogs...the ones I wrote when I first started my diet.  Where has that person gone????  I don't even feel like the same person.  I am so fed up with myself. 

 

The month of April has been a terrible month.  I have had a lot of stress and I completely gave up on my diet.  I started having trouble with my heart...having several "spells" where I just about fainted...and a lot of palpitations with my heart.  I went to my regular doctor who immediately sent me to a heart specialist because of my symptoms, family history and other factors going against me.  (Being a diabetic, being overweight, my age, being a female and a family history of heart trouble....to mention a few.)   The heart doctor examined me and told me I had a prominent murmur and wanted me to have an echocardiogram and a stress test done.

 

I know a heart murmur is fairly common, so I'm not too worried about that.  My doctor said I might have a leaking valve or other complications, so she wanted the tests done.  I wore a heart monitor for 10 days and yesterday I went for my other tests.  I haven't heard anything from my doctor as of yet, so I'm hoping no news is good news.  I haven't exercised since last Friday because of all that's going on...tests, monitor...etc. 

 

I just feel like a complete failure.  There are a lot of other people who have more serious health issues than I do that still lose weight.  Why can't I???  I know the answer to that....I am having a mental block right now.  I am blocking my mind from doing what I need to do.  Why is it so hard for me???  Yes, I stopped journaling my food...I knew I wasn't eating right so why journal!!  I did continue to exercise as much as I could.  While wearing the heart monitor, I did slack off exercising.  The heart monitor kept malfunctioning while exercising, so I stopped exercising for about a week.  Once I got to remove the heart monitor, I did start back on my exercise schedule.  This week I haven't been able to exercise because of all the tests being made plus going with my husband to his doctor's appointment as well.

 

I will never reach "onederland" this way....not in 2009, that's for sure.  I have gained 18 pounds since my weigh in on March 26th.  If I start back tomorrow...getting back on the wagon that is...I will have to lose 73 pounds to get to 199.  Well, that goal is shot to #&*#@!. 

 

My weight loss bracelet looks pitiful.  No more charms for me anytime soon.  I have to lose 37 lbs. to reach my next minigoal to get another charm. 

 

I get so depressed thinking about all of this.  I feel as if I am not only letting myself down but everyone else too.  I know people have been supporting me and wishing me the best and are proud of me for what I have accomplished so far...but I think about...what if...what if I gain it all back.  What will they think of me then?  Aw, too bad...she couldn't stick with it.  I was hoping she could.  I can hear them now.

 

My husband doesn't help matters either.  I sound so like a royal butthole when I say this, but him not being able to do much as far as his health is getting me down too.  I know he would like a better life, not being as confined to home like he is.  I worry about him, but I also get irritated with him.  He has given up.  He goes around telling everybody that he is washed up...old...good for nothing anymore.  He doesn't take what the doctors suggest him to do to heart.  He ignores them.  He does take his medicine but that's as far as it goes.  His doctors suggested that he takes water areobics, to wear support stockings, to walk as much as he can.  Do you think he even TRIES to do any of these things?  I finally got him to go to the YMCA to check into the water areobics class...but wouldn't you know it...the pool was closed for maintenance.  They told us if would reopen in about 3 days and to come back.  I can't get him to go back.  He doesn't watch what he eats...eating all types of candy and junk food.  When I cook, I try and cook what's good for him, but most of the time he won't eat what I cook. It's not because he doesn't like what I cook...he would rather eat what he wants to eat.  For instance,  he will fix a pot of pasta and throw store bought sauce on it.  Then, another thing he will do is buy cans of yellow corn...open them...load them down with butter and heat and eat.  When I say open cans of corn, I mean he opens 4 or 5 (15 oz.) cans at a time.  He will eat about 1/2 of what he fixes and puts the remaining in the fridge to eat later.  When I say something to him about it, he says, "That's all I'm eating is corn.  That's not bad!"  I tell him, "Maybe not, but it's the quantity you are eating!"  His portion sizes are so out of control!!!  That's just a couple of the things he does as far as eating.

 

I get so discouraged when it comes to him.  He doesn't realize how much he is bringing me down.  I have talked to him about it and he will tell me what I want to hear at the time...but does absolutely nothing about it!!  I love him so much, and I worry about him.  I have even told him that if he loved me he would try to change his eating habits and try to get better for himself too.  When it's just the two of you...like myself and my husband...it gets to be so disheartening. 

 

I know I need to get back on the wagon for MY sake.  I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK ON INSULIN!!!  That should be enough incentive all by itself.  Forget about "onederland" and the charms. 

 

Please pray that I will get myself back on track and continue my journey to a more healthier and happier life.

 

If you have made it this far, I really thank you for reading.  I just feel like crying and just forgetting everything.  Again, please pray for me!!  I need your prayers and all the support you are willing to give!!

 

Cathy