I secretly envy Adam, the host of Man vs. Food, because part of me thinks:  (a)  I was made for that job  and  (b)  I can out eat him hands down any day. 

Is this realistic?  I doubt it...  But I am a creature of consumption, and I am struggling to understand this.

OK, so I have gotten more serious about paying attention to my portions and my relationship with food. 

"When it comes to losing weight, it's all about portion control" - I always hear. 

Now, I have come to a place where I need to understand exactly what drives me to shove as much food in my mouth in as little time as possible, and still have the audacity to think that I can have seconds.

There's a lot of shame around this behavior.  I am actually fearful that someone may find out, for example, that I sneak "snacky snacks" between my "snacking".  In fact, during any given late evening past 10pm or so, one can catch me  tip, tip, tiptoeing to sneak additional servings of mediocre entrees not worthy of food critic acclaim.  It is obviously not because the food is SOOOOO GOOOOOD.

Why do I do this?  Why is this such a SECRET?  Do I have a difficult time sharing?  I am that selfish?  Do I have a bottomless pit that I am filling with food instead of what I really need?  What do I really need?

If am afraid that someone may find out about this behavior, then I must believe that there is some fault to the behavior.  Why am I hoarding?  Why am I so compelled to consume the ENTIRE amount of food on the plate instead of saving some for later on, or SHARE with other people?  What is up with all this sneaking around with food?  Why not live a life of gluttony and be proud of it?

This is maddening.

I must be operating from a source of scarcity...  Therefore,  I must change my perception of food and my relationship to it. 

And so I began to talk to my food.  Yes, I actually talk to my food.  No, there are no long drawn out conversations or affections - no long philosophical discussions around the meaning of life - just a quick "Hello", "See You Later" or "Goodbye".  Every now and then, I will throw in, "You're not the boss of me!" and slam the fridge door shut.  If I do go beyond this,  I would seriously have to go back to the strategy table.

My husband had always been critical of the amount of food that I would make for our small family of three.  He would always say, "It's like you're cooking for an army!"  My serving portions were also very much "Super Sized".  This baffled him - and, in denial, I thought at the time that he did not appreciate my good intentions of 'taking care of him'...by, of course, drowning him in food. 

While my cooking habits have not changed (yet), I have decided to address the latter by creating smaller portions, plating them, and storing them away in the fridge or freezer for later use. 

Hence, my "Hello's", "See You Later's" and "Goodbye's" that I communicate to my food.  So far, this has helped me in a visual sense - coming to grips with appropriate size portions. 

But something more profound has occurred here.  Instead of 'fearing' that food will not be there later...I am somewhat assured that the food WILL be there later by simply saying "See You Later" to it.  Saying, "You're not the boss of me!" also allows me to quickly shut the fridge door and walk away...fast. 

This sounds silly, but it works for me.  It has put some of my fears behind my self-defeating behaviors to rest.  

Calling out my fears and naming them will help me identify my behaviors and design strategies to keep them from taking control of my life.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to obsess over my fears - this may only serve to empower them.  I don't want to try to nickel and dime my fears out of me to only get frustrated.  I am simply being more mindful.

However, there are other fears I need to combat in parallel, and my efforts to find my happy weight will serve to open up such dialogue that is long overdue.  Why do I have a hard time sharing?....  Why do I need so much validation about my worthiness of my share, and more, of food?...etc.  These are subjects of my forthcoming introspections and blogs....

In addition, I will publish my current measurements very soon...a task which I so dread.  eeks.