Last night, I went to a jewelry party my Mom was having.  About a year ago, I cut my hair short, and it is finally long enough to put it in a pony tail.  I wore it like this to work several times, and I've received a lot of compliments.  However, when my mother saw it, she freaked out.  She said, "don't ever cut your hair short", "you look like a big dike", and "I cannot even look at you".  These words, all because I had my hair in a pony tail?!?  What is wrong with her?  I don't know what is wrong with her, but I started to realize what is wrong with me, and that is my reaction to her negativity. 

 

When she said this, my gut reaction was, "I guess I know how I'm wearing my hair for Christmas".  It gave me my first true glimps of the possible reason as to why I sabotage any weight loss efforts I suceed at.  I want my Mom, my Dad, my co-workers, my skinny friends, my exes, everyone who has ever been in my life to know that I can be "fat" and still be pretty, smart, attractive, confident.  I want them to know that I am a good person regardless if I am 178 lbs (my heaviest adult weight) or if I am 128 lbs (my smallest adult weight).  Regardless of my weight, I am still the same person and I want to make a statement so that they know that what they say or think doesn't matter.

 

This is the same reason that I HATE when someone comments on my weight.  I hate it when someone notices that I'm loosing weight.  I hate when someone notices that I'm gaining weight (and I'm always doing one or the other).  It doesn't matter if I'm fat or skinny or normal on the thin side or normal on the chunky side.  I am still me.  Why can people not know or appreciate that?  Why can people not treat me exactly the same regardless if I'm fat or skinny?  Why can I not let go of this, quit trying to prove a point to people who are judging people on the wrong things about who I am, and know that I feel better when I weigh about 135-145 lbs.  That is absolutely OK.  Why can I not do that?