Day 1

I am the weighted one.  You see me walking down the street, don't think much of me due to my girth, don't stare as I'm not bound to a wheelchair because of my weight, just eyes sidle from one side of me to the other, and keep on walking.  No second thoughts...

That is my life.  No second thoughts.

I am not posting my name, or anything personal about me here, this is purely educational for myself, and maybe those looking for a model to emulate. 

I don't remember waking up one day and saying, "I think I'll gain a lot of weight." It just happened over time...over a long period of time...it's frustrating, but, that's what happened.

From the time I was small, I have been bombarded with weight issues...they weren't my issues when I was young, they were my mother's.  Unfortunately, constant pressure to lose weight, many snide remarks about my weight, and horrible self-esteeem contributed to what you will read on this blog. 

I was 81 lbs when I was 6 years old.  I may have been heavier then my counterparts, but I was thick, had some baby fat, but really wasn't that overweight. 

When I was 10, I weighed 110 lbs.  My mother tried to bribe me to lose 10 lbs and I would get a pair of bicycle shorts.  All of my friends had them, but alas, I was never to receive a pair.

When I was 14, I weighed 190 lbs.  Another girl in my school who was about six feet tall at 14 weighed ten pounds less then I did.  She looked good. 

Being 19 was a bit more difficult.  I weighed 210 lbs.  I couldn't wear the same clothes as my friends.  I had to shop for XL clothes, but they really didn't fit well. 

By the time I was 20 years old, I weighed 230 lbs.  My entire first year of college was at that weight.

I wanted to do something about it.  I worked at my mother's work that first summer after my first year.  I took bags of carrots with me to work to snack on.  My only real treat was hot chocolate that I drank incessently during the day.  I would eat Cheerios for breakfast, a cup-of-soup for lunch, and whatever my mom cooked for supper.  I also rollerbladed or biked to work everyday, and after work I would ride my bike for about an hour. From May to the end of August, I lost 20 lbs.  I was impressed.  I figured if I could keep that up, I would be down to a better weight really soon.  I never lost any more weight then that however.

During second year of college, I managed to at least maintain my weight though.  I stayed at 210 the entire year.  That is until the following April.  My boyfriend (now husband) came to visit me.  We met over the Internet.  This was our first visit.  I had joined a gym and was really doing my best to keep my weight down as I didn't want to scare him off.

After his week with me was over, I became very depressed.  So depressed that I gained 20 lbs within one month.  I spent the next three months obsessing over it though because my sister was getting married and I needed to fit into the bridesmaid dress she had purchased and I had given my pre-20 lb weight gain measurements to.  I ended up having my dress altered severely. 

After my sister's wedding, I flew to Missouri for a week with my boyfriend.  I was in a constant battle with myself because he had been cheating on me.  I tried really hard to be on my best behaviour, and after awhile the whole cheating thing blew over (it was over the Internet).  I went back home, still at 230 lbs.

Third year of college started.  I had to get up very early for two weeks straight for a hands on individual project a week after starting school.  I was up late at night preparing, up early in the morning to get to school, and exhausted all day long.  It wasn't soon after I started that I got a bit ill.  Just the usual, feeling run-down, cough, hoarse, sore throat. 

Went to help family close up their cottage...did some heavy lifting and managed to start feeling better soon thereafter.  That's when it hit me. 

No period for two months...

I started gaining weight from the get-go.  At the end of my pregnancy, I weighed 276 lbs.  I thought that was an all-time high, and would be happy to lose a lot of that when the baby was born.

After he was born, I dropped to about 250.  Then it went back up again.  I joined WW at about 275, got to about 265, then stopped going. 

I am now 320 lbs.  I am not on a diet.  I am not exercising.  I am just living.

I need to get back to where I was before.  I need to know what it felt like to not be judged whenever I went somewhere.  I need to remember what it was like to just be me.