My sweetie gave me an old-school Schwinn for my birthday...a seven speed cruiser.  I love it!  I haven't ridden in about 30 years, but haven't crashed yet.  We did 5 miles on the canal last week.  It was hard, but I did it.  I know I won't ride in these 100 degree plus days, but when it's cool enough, I definately plan to be out.  I'm really hoping to pedal the pounds away!

It's been quite a while since I've been on this site and I've made some serious changes.  I underwent a vertical gastric sleeve procedure 1/7/11 and am feeling great!  I need to amp up the exercise, but the weight has been coming off, nearly 30 pounds since January.  I didn't make this decision lightly.  Weight loss was my initial reason for looking into it, but the info I found out during all the pre-op medical really opened my eyes.  Chlorestoral was dangerously high; pre-diabetic; morbidly obese just to name a few. My whole eating strategy has completey changed.  I no longer feel hungry.  I just have to overcome the psychological "hunger"....you know the kind.  You think you should be hungry so you eat. I gotta run...more later!

but any way you look at it, I have been gaining weight, not losing it.  I'm back in phernemine and it does not seem to be helping at all this time.  I can't stay on track and I'm probably past 200 lbs now.....don't know for sure 'cause I'm afraid to step on the scale. 

 

Getting very depressed about this.  Hubby doesn't seem to care and is hardly supportive, yet I can tell by his non-verbal communication, that this extra weight is a turn-off. 

 

Arggggghhhhh.......this is all so frustrating!  I continually see my self (in my head) like I used to be and then put on clothes that don't fit!  In the last two years I have bought 2 pair of pants and 1 sweater.  I don't feel like I deserve new clothes, but my old ones are just that...OLD.  Everything has holes so I keep wearing longer and longer shirts to cover them up.  My newest bra is 4 years old and my underwear are even older. 

 

So yes, this post it just a grip session.  I'm angry, depressed, fat, unhappy, grumpy, and ready for an all out pity party. 

 

I wish I could donate fat as easily as I donate blood every 4 weeks. 

 

I've become a fixture at my desk.  I've worked the same job for the last 21 years and have actually grown INTO my chair (at least it feels that what).  And yes, I'm sick of the job too, but since my husband unemployed, what choice do I have?  I supposed I should just be grateful that I have a job.

 

Well, I guess I should stop all the moaning.....if you are unfortunate enough to read this blog, I'm sorry if I've brought you down (yet another failure on my part).

Ok, so I haven't posted in a while.  Neither have I dieted.  I've gained back 10 lbs and feel terrible.  The good thing is I haven't gained back all the weight.  And with that in mind, I'm starting a new year.  I hope to get back on phenermine in the next few weeks but until then, it's time to start paying attention.  Food log, watch out, here I come!

 

My mother-in-law gave us a Wii for Christmas, so hopefully that will get me off my butt.  So far we are really liking the bowling.  I plan on trying the boxing this weekend.

 

I'm just so tired of being fat!  It really is demoralizing.  Nothing looks good on and EVERYTHING looks worse off!  I so much want to be sexy again but absolutely hate my body.  WIth all the miracles of modern science and medicine, why can't we have body fat donors?  Just think of all the folks with eating disorders I could help!

since last I blogged.  I've just been real busy!  My mother-in-law (one of them - I have 2!) took my husband, daughter & I to Cape Cod for 10 days!  It was wonderful.  We rented a cabin and did the whole tourist thing.  The aquarium in Woods Hole, whalewatching out of Provincetown, Plymouth (and the Plimouth Plantation), and eating, eating, eating!  I'm sorry, but you just can't go to the northeast and not eat lobster (and scallops, and clams, and shirmp....and don't get me started on chowder!).  To say the least, I gained a few, but only a few, pounds.  Just about 4 or so, so it shouldn't be too hard to get it off (she says laughingly!).

 

We've been home a week and things have not slowed down.  My other mother-in-law is sadly dying.  She had a liver transplant a month or so ago and is now rejecting the rejection drugs.  She's had a few strokes since the surgury, so things can't get much dire.  The docs say all they can do is make her comfortable.  Waiting for someone to die is terrible.  I feel bad for my little girl.  She's 8 and this will be her 7th funeral.   More on this later.....

It's just a cyst!  And a very small one at that.  They took a measurement and said to come back in 6 months but didn't seem very concerned at all. I am so relieved!  I feel silly for worrying so much, but at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. 

 

In the mean time, I'm down another pound and life is good.

I've been pretty busy lately, and not all of it in a good way.  The end of the school year is coming and my husband and I have been worrying about how to pay for daycare for the summer.  Then my husband got laid off.  On the up-side, we don't have to pay for day care, though I don't know if we can make it on just my salary. 

 

Next, my last period lasted 18 days!!!! Most of which were heavy and one of which I was afraid to leave the house.  I'm 44 years old and am thinking that if this is menopause, I want a hysterectomy.  I went to the doc and had full bloodwork done to rule out anything funky.  Everything is normal, but I'm borderline anemic, which I guess is to be expected if you bleed for 18 days.  I also had a mammogram done while I was there, and now I'm worried.  I got a letter from the radiologist stating that the mammogram was abnormal and that they saw star-shaped, fibrous, asymmetrical nodes/nodules and that I needed to come back for another more intensive mammogram and sonogram.  My appointment is tomorrow and I'm scared to death. 

 

Lastly, I was supposed to go to the blood bank today and donate platelets for research.  I've been doing this for years and I get paid for it.  I was really looking forward to having a little cash (usually $120) but I got deferred this time because my iron is too low.  So now I'm out the money I was looking forward too and am worrying even more - is my iron low because of the 18 day period or does it have something to do with possible breast cancer?  I'm even participating in an iron study and take a mega-dose of iron every night (be doing this for a few years too - no payment though, but free iron) and this if the first time they've turned me away.

 

I haven't lost any more weight, but at least I haven't gained anything either.  Still dieting but not exercising.  I've been real tired lately and just want to sleep when I get home.  Don't know if that's depression, fear or just low iron. 

 

I can't wait for tomorrow just so I'll know what's happening.  I'm so nervous I have butterflies in my stomach. 

 

I can't talk about any of this with my husband because he will accuse me of worrying over nothing, but I don't believe this is nothing.  It's not that he doesn't care, it's that he's not a worrier.  Even if I have something bad, he'll just look at the next step, not what possible outcomes could be.  We can't afford for me not to work!  I don't think he gets that.  Right now my salary pays for all our bills, groceries, gas, mortgage and there is damned little left over at the end of the month (we don't eat out, not even Micky D's, no movies, no Netflix, no premium cable, no vacations, no extras.  I haven't even bought clothes since I've lost 26 lbs - not even a swimsuit for summer).  If this turns out to be bad, I've only got so much sick leave and then I'll be on leave WITHOUT pay.  We'll lose the house.........arghhhhhh!!!!!!!

 

I guess I'm overthinking again.  Thanks for letting me vent folks.

 

Take care and good luck to all!

I can't believe we are into April already!  I've been a horrible blogger, but at least I keep coming back to it, eventually.  I'm still plugging away at the diet and feel pretty good about it.  So far I've lost a total of 24 lbs!  I did blow it on Easter, but that's ok.  I jumped back in the swing of it on Monday.  I didn't even try to count calories on Sunday, just ate whatever I wanted and didn't feel guilty about it.  I usually do (feel guilty that is) when I over indulge, but I knew it was just a holiday thing and that the next day would be back to normal.  I didn't use it as an excuse to go completly off the diet.  And I'm real good at using excuses.  My excuse for not exercising so far has been because 1) I don't have time and 2) the weather has been crappy.  Well, now that spring is here, I'm kinda out of the crappy weather excuse.  I still don't have time (and I am lazy), but now I guess I'll have to find it.  On the upside, because the weather is getting nicer, I can use the puppies to guilt me into taking walks at least. 

 

Speaking of which, Puppy Day here at the office has been a hit!  The boss hasn't complained at all, the buiding manager is turning a blind eye, and the employees love it!  They are starting to push me to bring them twice a week (I get dirty looks when they are not here), but I just wouldn't get enough work done if I did that.  It definately has improved my morale though.  The girls are sweet and it keeps me grounded.  Bring Your Child To Work Day is coming up, so my daughter is hoping I'll bring her and the puppies at the same time.  That may be a bit much though.  We'll see......

 

All in all, things are going well.  In the last 10 months I've stopped smoking (been doing that for 25 years), opened communication with my husband (we had hit a real rough spot), gotten 2 puppies, and have lost weight.  Hannah has become a Brownie and is doing great in school.  Not so bad.  Now if only the money issue would straighten up!  We haven't had a family vacation in 3 years so maybe this summer we can at least take the camper out for a long weekend?  We are not planning on putting Hannah in a summer camp this year to save money, so maybe we can use what we save to go somewhere.  Both my husband and I work full time, but my mom has promised to care for her for 3 solid weeks.  I can take off time to watch her or bring her into the office if I need to now and then.  And perhaps I can pull some of the other grandparents into the gig.  If each of them would watch her for a week, we'd be set!  Oh well, it will work out.

Wow!  I haven't written in about a month!  I guess this is the hard part for me, though I admit I only blog during free time at work and things around here have been pretty crazy lately. 

 

I'm still losing weight, but we are definately slowing down in the process.  I haven't started any exercise yet (I am a wonderful procrastanator!) but now that the weather is warming up, I'm running out of excuses. 

 

I find that I talk myself of being hungry once I look at the calorie content of some items.  I look at that as a positive thing - it really makes me think twice about what I eat.  I do have to be careful though, I did apheresis last week (plasma and white blood cell donation for research) and they almost didn't let me because my iron was real low, even though I take iron supplements.  I need to find a way to eat more meat.

 

Another positive - my husband is finally noticing!  Wait until he sees me in another 40 pounds!

 

Life in general is pretty good.  The money situation sucks, but it's kinda like that for everyone right now.  My daughter is 8 going on 13 and the attitude is killing me, but again, we all have those issues I guess.  She was rather amazed when she got grounded last night.  The attitude had really peaked and I told her "not another word or you're grounded tomorrow".  She spoke.  I told her she was grounded Monday.  She spoke again.  I said "Tuesday".  And again, she spoke.  I said "Wednesday, wanna go for Thursday?".  She got the hint and kept her mouth shut.  This was all over a bed time fight.  I know it really happened because she was just too tired, but she's gotta learn that she can't 1) toss out attitude with me or other adults and 2) argue with me.  I hate having to make this stick, but I have to.  The next 3 days are going to be long.  I'm trying to teach her that if she would just stop and think before she opens her mouth, she'll save herself a lot of misery.  I hope she learns. 

Wow!  I haven't written in about a month!  I guess this is the hard part for me, though I admit I only blog during free time at work and things around here have been pretty crazy lately. 

 

I'm still losing weight, but we are definately slowing down in the process.  I haven't started any exercise yet (I am a wonderful procrastanator!) but now that the weather is warming up, I'm running out of excuses. 

 

I find that I talk myself of being hungry once I look at the calorie content of some items.  I look at that as a positive thing - it really makes me think twice about what I eat.  I do have to be careful though, I did apheresis last week (plasma and white blood cell donation for research) and they almost didn't let me because my iron was real low, even though I take iron supplements.  I need to find a way to eat more meat.

 

Another positive - my husband is finally noticing!  Wait until he sees me in another 40 pounds!

 

Life in general is pretty good.  The money situation sucks, but it's kinda like that for everyone right now.  My daughter is 8 going on 13 and the attitude is killing me, but again, we all have those issues I guess.  She was rather amazed when she got grounded last night.  The attitude had really peaked and I told her "not another word or you're grounded tomorrow".  She spoke.  I told her she was grounded Monday.  She spoke again.  I said "Tuesday".  And again, she spoke.  I said "Wednesday, wanna go for Thursday?".  She got the hint and kept her mouth shut.  This was all over a bed time fight.  I know it really happened because she was just too tired, but she's gotta learn that she can't 1) toss out attitude with me or other adults and 2) argue with me.  I hate having to make this stick, but I have to.  The next 3 days are going to be long.  I'm trying to teach her that if she would just stop and think before she opens her mouth, she'll save herself a lot of misery.  I hope she learns.