I am so thrilled to get on the scale these days. I put a few pounds back on during vacation in May and early June, but made a concerted effort even while I was gone to make it to the gym a little bit. It was really hard to get back on track when I got back, especially with my eating. I was still working out a few times a week, but eating like a maniac! If I don't plan my meals in advance, I resort to fast food faster than you can say Taco Bell!!
Now I'm going to the gym 3-5 times a week and have even started doing intermittent running on the treadmill with my program. I've been eating really well, and the heat has really curbed my appetite too! (the ice cream machine I just got for my birthday could hurt, but I'm excited to find new and excited low-cal recipes that will keep me away from the ben and jerry's!).
I'm fitting into pants that I haven't worn in more than two years and finally beginning to feel like myself again. What a relief. Off to the gym again before my birthday party!
I just weighed myself and hit 220 pounds - down 20 pounds since mid-December! I am ecstatic!
I'm also starting counseling with a new therapist this week, which I think will have an impact on my weight loss and hopefully a good one. I am definitely an emotional eater - in addition to being a lover of food, a bored eater, an anxious eater, etc. - so having an emotional outlet will, I hope, help alleviate some of that. And perhaps we'll finally be able to address some of the emotional reasons that I eat excessively too.
It's a gorgeous day, I've accomplished something great, my cold is fading... It's going to be a great day!
Well, I have just put my best friend on a plane and sent her back to Wisconsin, which I'm very sad about but we did have a great time! She was here for the weekend, and her trip followed a weekend in Rhode Island with a different friend of mine. As you can imagine, both weekends posed some serious challenges and made me think a lot about food choices, "dieting" on "vacation", and just how much to hold on versus letting go.
Thank goodness Melanie was totally up for balancing our inevitably amazing meals (Junior's cheesecake, turkish grill, bobby flay's Bar Americain, Taim falafel) with physical activity. We went to the gym on Saturday morning (who else would go to the gym with me on vacation?!?!) and had a great workout, then spent Sunday walking all over Manhattan. We walked on the new Highline park for a little while, then through Chelsea, and ended the night near Herald Square doing some shopping. But there were definitely lapses and indulgences that I'm going to be working off all week. After dropping Melanie off at the airport, I went immediately to the gym for a long workout.
I love food, and I love exploring different cultures through cuisine. There's almost nothing I love more than seeing the pure joy that amazing food can create on a loved one's face. I don't want food to become my enemy... I don't want food to be the devil or to feel like there are foods that I CAN'T have. I'm trying to negotiate a long-term relationship with food wherein I am honest with myself about the cost of overeating or indulging in something that is more costly than something else. Because, when faced with gourmet chocolate, I think I should be able to buy 2 pieces and enjoy them for the glorious food that they are.
Over the weekend, I was fairly good at portion control (Bar Americain being the exception, but even at Junior's I didn't finish my cheesecake and brought half home for another day), but I wasn't good at, 1) selected splurging - if I wanted it, I bought it even if I had just had something high in calories or on my "occasionally only" list, and that's not where I want to be, or 2) paying the price for my indulgences, i.e., if I want those pieces of chocolate I'd better be willing to hit the gym or do the Wii Fit for 30 minutes that night. One thing that I was please about was that Melanie and I had several light, fresh, low calorie meals at home, including 2 out of 3 breakfasts (hard boiled eggs and fruit) and 2 out of 3 lunches (whole wheat pasta with low calorie turkey bolognese, then homemade butternut squash and sweet potato soup and a green salad with turkey and honey mustard vinaigrette).
I'm still trying to learn how to change my relationship with food, and to learn that "no" is a functional word in my food vocabulary, but I'm also at the stage where I'm pleased that I can have slip ups and then get right back on track like going to the gym today. I believe that, just like changing a dysfunctional relationship, I can continue my love affair with food while changing the way I interact with it and the types of food that make my mouth water. Am I crazy?
Well, it has been just over a month since I started my weight loss plan, and I'm so proud of myself for sticking with it! I've lost about 12 pounds, which is principally a reflection of how many calories I had been consuming in the last quarter of 2009. Cutting my calories to a semi-normal amount has created a drastic change that I know will slow down eventually, but for now I'm happy.
What I am worried about is the subconscious, instinctual behavior around food that I'm starting to notice. I just can't eat enough at night, and this is the same behavior that I experienced before I started this diet, but then I had a house filled with terrible foods or, more likely, I didn't have any food in the house and would go get fast food or order delivery. But this sensation is really quite disturbing... this feeling that I can't ever get enough food inside my body. That I need to be eating all the time. I root around in the kitchen looking for food and trying desperately to talk myself out of eating the ice cream my roommate's boyfriend left in our freezer or spraying the whipped cream into my mouth (I failed on both counts, and also failed to talk myself out of taking a spoon to the hot fudge sunday) all weekend long, but fortunately I also worked out a lot.
This anxiety, edginess, unsettled feeling that tells me to eat, though, is pretty disconcerting and frustrating. It wouldn't be so bad if it said "eat carrots!" or "broccoli! need broccoli now!" Alas, no amount of food coloring makes chocolate into vegetables!
I'm 32 years old and have struggled with my weight my entire life. As a teenager, I was always the "fat one" of my friends and came to rely on my gregarious personality to get me attention. After high school, I realized that my brain was also a valuable asset and began to lean heavily upon it for my social success. But in college, when I was searching for ways to get 1 or 2 credit hours to make me "full time" without adding to my already heavy work load with 2 jobs and school, I decided to take yoga. Then yoga and circuit training. Then yoga, circuit training and weight training. Then yoga, circuit training, weight training and belly dancing. For the first time in my life, I felt the joy of being more physically fit. I had already lost some weight just from walking every day and trying to eat better, going from about 235 pounds to probably 215 pounds. But in this active year of college, I dropped to 180 pounds and stayed between 178 and 183 for the next year and a half.
It was during this time of relative thinness that I discovered that I am actually attractive - not the terrible, hideous, disgusting girl I always thought I was and tried to prove I wasn't. I looked in the mirror and truly liked what I saw. I wasn't perfect, I was still heavier than most of my friends (although I've always carried my weight well), but guys were asking me out and I could shop at Old Navy in their regular sizes for the first time ever!
Moving to New York City on my own for law school, with a part time job on top, ended that period of my life. I started law school at about 200 pounds and by graduation was back at 225 or so. Between 2006 and 2009, I volleyed between 210 and 225 pounds until, in 2009 I began steadily to gain weight and just never stopped.
So much of my weight problems have been due to a refusal to put the energy necessary toward a healthier lifestyle. I quit smoking just over a year and a half ago, and I planned that move for 6 months. When I finally quit, I had a plan of action, I journaled about it every day, I talked to my friends about it, I rewarded myself for it... I made it a priority. I finally realized toward the end of 2009 that if I wanted to be more physically fit, I would have to put that same determination and commitment toward my weight.
So, since January 7, I have been on a 1510-1550 calorie plan. I order my groceries online (www.freshdirect.com), where I can see the calorie content before I buy a food and create meals based on calorie content. They also have a lot of pre-made foods (soups, microwaveables, salads) that are under 400-500 calories, which helps a lot with lunches at work. I try not to skip any meals (a big problem with me in the past) and build in snacks like string cheese and almonds, which I always have at work, so I'm never so hungry that I go overboard. I also ALWAYS have a relatively low calorie (but always full flavor) dessert. Sometimes this isn't a perfect science - I'm supposed to have 1/4 cup of sorbet and I have a 1/2 cup instead - but since it's low calorie, it's not going to ruin my entire day if I go a little overboard. I just don't want to deny myself something a little sweet and end up, 2 months down the road, eating and entire cake.
I'm also working out 2-4 times each week, which is definitely contributing to my feeling better, overall, and my weight loss so far.
I've had a lot of issues already, even though it's been relatively successful. Weekends are really, really hard. Depressing days have ended up with a 5 hours eating binge. I have a lot to work on and address. But this is my start and my best effort.
