Its been awhile

Its been awhile since I have been on here to check on you guys. Lots of crazy junk has been happening in my life lately and I don't exactly have as much time to spend on the internet like I used to. I'll try to blog more later. I just wanted you guys to know that I am still around, and still trying to fight this battle.

RIP Skippy

My puppy is gone. Granted 15 years isn't the age of a puppy, but she will always be like that to me. Skippy had 6 seizures on friday and I had to put her down on Saturday. The vet said she was dieing and that the seizures were caused by her heart getting weaker and not being able to pump enough blood to her brain. She was in pain and the most loving thing I could have done for her was to let her go. That was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. She has always been  there as long as I can remember and now I am catching myself looking for her.  Expecting to hear her bark at the UPS truck, and the mail carrier. Yesterday I put my plate on the floor with left over peperoni, and caught myself just before I called for her.  The house feels so empty without Skippy.  People have already offered me other dogs, but while I can take comfort from other friends pets it is way to soon for my own. I need to heal, and when I feel like it is time for another dog then I will move on. Anytime before then it will feel like I am trying to replace Skippy and I can't  do that. She was too special. She was a part of my heart.  RIP Skippy girl. I hope there are lots of squirrls, soft pillows, and plenty of shrimp and turnip greens  for you in heaven you crazy thing.   You always did think you were a human.  I love and miss you.

(ps. I'm not really focused on weight loss at the moment, I am going to go into matinence mode for a bit. I just can't focus on it. )

It's my birthday!!!!

It's my birthday song, it's not very long !

21 today...and it really feels no different than yesterday....am I going to run out and have a big party and get drunk? nah....might go to the casinos this weekend, but I am going to celebrate quietly with a few friends and leave it at that. I am not going to worry about my weight and I am not upset that I am still not in Onederland. I lost about 1/2 a pound this week, and I am happy with that....slow and steady wins the race...And yes I am still going to eat cake! :P

But for now I am going to sit here and wonder what my sneaky Tim has planned

Old habits die....they really do!

Someone tell me that Time doesn't fly.  I have been meaing to actually blog about some weight related stuff this week, but I guess have been putting it off.  So here we go. 

I have noticed something about my eating habits lately and it is a good thing, I am eating less and eating healthier.  I am talking myself out of unhealthy things. Questioning myself on if I am really hungry or if I just like the idea of eating? And if I choose to eat it, I make sure it is a smaller piece than I would normally have. I don't rememeber the last time I ate a candy bar., or bought a coke. I drink lemonade if we eat out, and we have yet to eat fast food this week.  I also drink water when I think I am hungry and wait 10 minutes to see if I am really hungry or just need water.

Yesterday a co-worker brought cinnamon rolls for all of us to eat. One was calling to me in the afternoon, but instead I grabbed my bag of grapes and strawberries and I enjoyed that fruit much more than i would have that cinnamon roll. I am mastering my "everything in moderation" mantra and in the past two weeks I have seen it paying off.

Another small victory - I got out of the shower this morning and noticed that I could wrap my towel around me. We have regular towels, not extra long or anything. and the fact that I could wrap it around my body and not flash someone because my hips were too wide to make it cover everything is a big deal to me. Now mind you it doesn't close completely yet, but a little slit up my thigh is better than this big gap!

All in all I guess I am having a pretty good week. Skippy even seems to be getting back to her old self. She has started barking at people and following everyone around again, she is even eating without us having to sit and feed her now.  I am extreemly thankful that she is getting well. She really scared me. And loosing her had the potential for throwing me off track for a while.

Ever the opitimist still!

Update on Skippy (not weight related)

Ok. Mom called me, we are not going to take Skippy to the vet today. She seems to be doing better. Mom says that her breathing while labored sometimes is getting regular, and that she is eating and drinking a bit today. Mom says the old girl even wagged her tail a bit and got up to go ou tside and use the bathroom on her own. Hopefully she was just sick over the weekend and will be fine...I think she had a bad fever....which could have cause her to have a seizure, or she might have ate something that poisins dogs....who knows with the array of plants my neighbore has planted along the fence. She hasn't had another one since yesterday morning that I know of. I hope she will be fine. I will update you guys if anything happens.  That dog is my heart.

Having a Hard Time.

Weigh in today...203.4 is what the scale read.  I lost a total of 1.6 lbs this week....and don't ask me how I did it, because I haven't been to the gym since the beginning of the week. Finals stressed me out, I ate unhealthy foods and this weekend I didn't make it to the gym at all, and I had planned to go at least Saturday and Sunday, but didn't make it at all. So I am completly in shock that I lost any weight at all, I really did expect to gain.

I really just had the weekend from hell and I am hoping that it doesn't transfer into this week, because I don't know if I can take it. Tim got sick Friday night...just a little bug, no big deal, but it resulted in me taking care of him.  He is supose to be moving in with a friend, so I spent Saturday painting and doing little repairs to a dresser we picked up at a salvage store for him. 

My dog - Skippy has had a cough for a couple of weeks that she picked up from the dogs next door. She had got better, but saturday night she started coughing again and she threw up all the food she had eaten. I went to check on her when I heard her coughing and she had a seizure right in front of my eyes. She is breathing rapidly unless she is resting, and having trouble just getting up and around. She walks very slow so she doesn't get dizzy I guess. She had another seizure yesterday afternoon and mom is thinking we may have to put her down. Last night she seemed better though, I got her to eat and drink a bit. I am wondering if she had those seizures just because she had a high fever.

Guys this is killing me, I spent all day crying and trying to keep my mind off of it.   I got Skippy when I was 5 years old. She is 15 now. I have literally had her for my entire life that I have vivid memories of. If we have to put her down I don't know how I am going to let her go. I don't want her to suffer. I always thought I would wake up and she would have left quietly in her sleep, or that I would be married and moved out before anything happened,  I mean that is only one year from now.

I know she isn't human and even if she was that she couldn't live forever. I don't understand how people cannot become emotionally involved  with their pets. Skippy has been the one best friend that I have had my entire life. She comforts me when I am sick and mothers me until I feel better. She listens without judging me when I am angry, and looks at me with eyes that say she understands my pain. She cuddles with me in the winter when it is cold and reads books with me. Skippy has always been the one to great me when I get home, as if to ask where I have been and that she is glad I came home.

Jer. 29:11, God has a plan for everything. I know if she has to go, that I have been blessed to have her this long. Dogs are such very special souls. It is just breaking my heart to know that this time tomorrow she might not be with me anymore.  Please send some prayers to help me deal with this. I am hoping against hope that we do not have to put her down, but If we do I am going to need some help to get through.

I hope you all are doing better than I am. I am about to check on you guys now.

205lbs and descending!

That's right! When I weighed in today the scale read 205 on the nose and My BMI was 40.0 ( I checked 3 times like always to make sure it was correct) Now when I peaked over the weekend the scale read 204.4 and 39.9; but I can't count that because it was unofficial, and flow got here yesterday so I know I am bloated right now :-/.  It's ok though! Do you guys realize that I am almost in ONEDERLAND, and just a pound away from having a BMI in the 30s! Wow!

I will be 197.2 before the end of May that is a promise that I am making to myself.  That would round my total of to 20lbs lost since starting on EP. I should have already met this mark, but I lost a month working out and can't change that....the present is what matters most!

I would like to be in Onederland by May 13, 2008 that gives me roughly 2 weeks to lose at least 5.1lbs to be at 199.9. Why May 13th? That is my 21st birthday and it is on a Tuesday, so I guess my official weigh in will be Monday May 12th.  I think that I can make this happen!

Lets hope that I can get into the gym and get some endorphins pumping so I'll quit being such a witch to Tim....I hate the emotional part of flow when it is combined with stress....it turns me into a meanie! And the gym makes that better. Finals are this week, so I have got to stay alert, in the gym and positive.

For those of you wondetring about the Praxis and how I did....well I feel like I did absolutly horrible...but I will wait till my scores come in a month from now to go into too much detail. That honestly was the worst test I have ever taken in my educational career...it is sooo nit picky.  Eventually when I get all of this stuff over with I am going to be a Secondary Education History Teacher, hopefully teaching 11th grade HS students about WWII...but really I just want to teach High School students.

Anyhow I am going to go check up on you girls and am wishing you skinny vibes and positive attitudes!

Ever the optimist!

STRESSED OUT

Ok girls excuse me while I vent.

(non weight related, but could be if i don't get it out of my system)

Finals are this coming up week and Saturday I have to take the Praxis II, which is the test I have to pass before I can do my student teaching...The test cost me $150  to take this time, because of this stupid fee tey tack on for first time takers. Next time it will only cost me $80 ( that is if I don't pass)

Which brings me to my next issue. I am flat broke now! And am about to be out of a job.  Because of the classes I have to take over the summer I am having to find another job that will work around my crazy class schedule. And All the extra money I would make over the next 3 weeks while I am working here is spent already because I have to foot my tuition bill for the summer...which is close to $1250! Yikes

Then today I find out that this girl has been talking about me behind my back and basically hates me, but to my face she is civil(good friend of mine told me, he used to work with her). However probably only because Tim is around (she has had a crush on him for years, he wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole).  Now I am not the jealous possive type, i don't care if you hug Tim or say that he is good looking around me....whatever. But she tries the flirt and hang all over him all the time. The other day she told him he was hot with me standing right beside him, then proceeded to Eye F*ck the piss out of him and when she left she gave him this big huge hug, but didn't even awknowledge me. I have a problem with that.

Tim is a nice guy. Too nice for his own good. I told him about her talking about me and he said that he will not allow her to touch him period anymore since now I have a huge problem with her and that. He feels uncomfortable just ignoring her ( he has know her so long, and he isn't the type that carries a grudge), but said he will not make an effort to speak to her unless she speaks to him and then it will really only be a "hey, how are you?" deal.  (see too nice, I have no problem ignoring her existance completly)

This is such a bunch of BS HS Drama....I hate it...why can't people just keep their mouths shut? I barely ever see this person, so why does she have to open her mouth about me? UGH I AM NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE I DON"T WANT TO DEAL WITH ALL THIS DRAMA

Encouraged not Discouraged!

So last night I tried on some clothes that had been tucked away in the spare bedroom closet for the past year. One pair 16w khakis, 1 pair size 16 army green caprees, Size 16  kinda streachy dress pants,  2 pair size 16 dress pants, and  1 size 17 juniors pair of caprees.

When all was said and done the first 3 fit! The khakis are lose enough to wear in public, but the other two pair I am going to have to lose just a bit more to wear out  That is still great though! It means I can put them back in my closet, and every morning I open the doors it will be a bit of motivation. I can't wait till I can wear my army green ones again. I love those.

The other 3 pairs I had to put back in the spare bedroom closet, but I am not completly discouraged by that. Three months ago I could not even get those pants over my hips and butt. I remember squaling my eyes out about it. Well last night they came over my hips and rear!  Now mind you they are nowhere close to being able to be zipped and buttoned, but  I won a small victory.

After that I was motivated to have a great workout at the gym, and even managed to squeeze in all my water for the day. Not to mention I packed a huge salad with grilled chicken for my lunch today! Well I am on my way to take a  geology lab test! My last for the Semester!  Wish me luck!

Today I am encouraged and feel accomplished.

Steady as she goes.

So I made it to the gym 3 times since last monday, and Spent all day sunday walking around a shopping complex....and the verdict is....no change whatsoever in my weight. The scales read 207.4 this morning....the same as last week. Grr. I maintained though and that is a good thing. I know that I need to really cut my intake back. I obviously ate too many calories this past week and I know it.

In other news I tried on a pair of Khakies that are Size 16w and guess what - They Fit.....Comfortably! The last time I put them on they were extreemly tight and felt like they were going to cut off my circulation, So I am going to pull out some more size 16 clothes tonight and see if any of those fit or are close to fitting so I can put them back in my closet for motivation. That is one small battle I have won this week

So my goals for this week are to:

1. Get More Time in at the Gym (4 visits?)
2. Eat fewer wasteful calories
3. Eat more fiber, to feel fuller for longer!

Any Advice you girls have to share is always appreciated.

/