I feel like im sloowly failing myself. I need a reality check again. The days are running out and my goal is still 5 lbs away. I know i will completely wig out if i dont meet my goal before new years. How can i be such a control freak about everything but not this. I just dont understand myself. Every day i wake up and say OK this is how my day is going to go, heres what im going to eat, heres how im going to workout, etc etc. EVerything goes as planned, until dinner time. I see everyone else eating and i just want to eat to. I know that i cant eat like that. Last night i had a small serving of whole wheat pasta with sauce. But i caved when it came to the bread. Bread is like my favorite and i can never turn it down. I had 2 pieces of french bread. UGH, it annoys me that my life revovles around food. My every thought is what i will and wont eat, how i can work it off. I just want a break. I want a normal matabolism. So i dont have to worry about everything (and i mean EVERYTHING) i put in my mouth.
Just an update for yesturday. I did eat 3 cookies. Felt like crap after and got on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I actually jogged for some of it.
Day 7: Ok im up at the crack of dawn, i feel like crap. Im exhausted. I spent my past 2 days waking up to the sound of a crying baby. Worst part is that its not even my baby. Its my sisters. I, being the nice person that am agreed to look after him for her while she works, only she doesnt want to seem to take him home. So now i have the added responsibility of taking care of her child and mine. Today it ends. I havent slept in 2 days, my son hasnt slept in 2 days. I have to tell her i cant do it anymore. My whole workout routine has been tossed aside to accomodate her child. I cant function without some sort of routine. I got so used to working out at the same time everyday, and now im having to toss in my workout whenever i can. Which by the way is almost impossible for me to do because im so tired from lack of sleep.
I guess its pretty clear why i ate those cookies now. I always turn to food when im am feeling completely overwhelmed. As if it is going to comfort me in some way or another. Only this time instead of feeling comfort from it, i felt ashamed and physically ill. I decided to blog so early because who knows if i will get to later on. I didnt even know it was friday. My weeks have just started to belnd together. I dont know if i will have time to workout today. I have to get my brothers room all set up for him. He is staying with us for a couple weeks. Plus i have my nephew and my son to look after all day. So with the 3 of them i highly doubt i will have anytime to do anything.
This is not counted as my day entry. I just felt like ranting.
Right now at this very moment i am fighting the urge to go into my kitchen and eat a whole pack of chips ahoy! cookies. Why oh why did i buy those things. Oh thats right, i bought them before i stopped eating that crap. And being the over-indulgent that i was, i bought 2 packages of them because they were on sale. Yay me for being so greedy. Now i have to fight with myself over eating them. Only im not going to give in. I will sit here and fight this silly craving, because i know it will pass. My body is just screaming out for food. It wants all the junk i used to eat. Like a druggie going through withdrawls. I am a food addict. And i am having serious withdrawls. At least now i cant admit it. Its a sick thing to think of. Who feels ill from not eating junk food. Am i like the only person in the world with this problem? Right now all im thinkging is a nice big whopper from burger king with fries and a coke. But, thats not what my mind wants. So im choosing to tell my greedy body to go to hell. Im not feeding it junk anymore. Im not giving in to something so petty. I did tell myself that i was going to reward myself with some hot wings once i lose 10 more lbs. That happens to be my favorite food in the world. So knowing that is waiting for me i can turn down these cookies. My status check is coming up soon, and i want to lose more weight before then. Its actually in 2 days. The goal was to be down to 200. But im still at 205. I just want to be able to say that im not over 200 lbs anymore. Im sick of feeling like the heffer. The sad part about all of it is that no matter how much weight i lose in a day/week/month, i still feel like a fat cow. People notice that ive lost weight, and i can see that i have one less roll. But my mind doesnt realize that. In my mind i see myself fatter then ever. 18 lbs lost is like HUGE to most people, to me its nothing. Its like oh wow, i lost 18 lbs, whoopty doo. I just desperately want to be out of the obese catagory. I want to be at last 150 lbs. I dont know what else i can do to make these pounds melt off faster. I see everyone else losing so quickly. Its like my body is clinging to the fat. I just want it off and have no other way of making it come off faster.
Bleh, im going to work out now. Maybe thats my problem. Im not pushing myself hard enough. Maybe i should workout every moment of the day that i can. -sigh-
Today i had steamed squash and a salad for dinner. Drank alot of water and walked 2 miles on the treadmill. I switched up my normal routine and walked on an incline for 10 minutes. burned ALOT more calories then normal. I think i will do that from now on. Didnt do pilates though. I had my nephew for the day so i was super busy. Plus i had to wrap all the christmas presents during nap time, so i didnt get to do my normal workout at my normal time. Tomorrow its back to routine. I feel like im at a stand still right now. Some reason i havent lost any weight but i havent gained any back either. So its not bad. But i still want to make my goal of 195 by christmas. That gives me 10 lbs to lose. I can do it if i really put my mind to it. (somehow this got posted on the 14th and it was supposed to be the 13th. Some glitch or something i suppose. )
Day 4 and im still doing well. Im disappointed in myself because i over ate last night and totally gave in. Today i did my tae-bo. I didnt eat all day because i was seriously upset with myself for losing it. I had steamed veggies and a teeny bit of steamed rice for dinner. Also some wonton soup, only i didnt eat the wontons in it. So mostly just broth. A small bowl of it. I cant afford to eat anything fattening. After eating a sandwich last night and some potato chips. I just kept feeling disappointed. Like i failed myself so badly. I cant shake it. I didnt work out as hard as i would have liked today either. I need to get it together before i totally fall apart. Ok im not that far off track. i didnt over indulge tonight at dinner. I didnt eat anything during the day. I havent drank anything other then water. I gained back one pound from eating that sandwich i think, but i will try really hard to work it off tomorrow. Im hitting the treadmill hard. then doing pilates. Im going to have to push myself to walk at least 3 miles tomorrow. I will made a deal with myself. If i walk 3 miles i will reward myself with a nice bath instead of a quick shower. I didnt feel as if my 30 minute tae-bo workout helped me today. i didnt feel like i burned any fat at all. I like to workout and feel like im getting something out of it. So maybe for now i will stick to the treadmill and pilates. I have so much on my mind right now. i could go on forever, but i will stop here.
Best wishes to everyone out there fighting this battle. Keep your head up, you will get there!
I dont know if i will be able to workout at all today. After going to chuckie cheeses last night, i woke up sick as can be. I have the worst stomach pains ever. I think it was the birthday cake i had. To much sugar and my body isnt used to eating like that anymore. I knew i was going to end up sick like this. I was already getting sick from it before we even left chuckie cheese. I had to make myself not vomit on the way home. So today i think i will stay in my bed and rest. Let this work itself out.
I woke up thinking i need to add more exercise to my daily routine. Since im basically only walking for 3 miles a day and doing crunches. So today im going to do a workout video of some sort. I dont know if im ready to sweat through an hour of Tae-Bo with Billy, but i do have a walk in place video that i can do. Although i really do need to start working on my arms. Hmmm, what to do, what to do?? I will probably end up doing Tae-Bo. Its an all around workout. So it works a little bit of everything. Ive been trying to find those bands they use, but none of the stores i go to sell the right kind. So maybe i will have to go to a sporting good store. Im not going to worry about it right now. I dont think im in any condition to use them right now anyways
Afternoon: I worked out on the treadmill for 40 minutes. Did 2 miles. I also did my crunches and added in some leg lifts. Were having to go to chuckie cheeses for my nephews birthday. So thats where we are gonna eat dinner i guess. Hope they have salad, cause there is no way im going to even think about eating any of that greesy pizza that they call food..lol. Anyways, i didnt do my full 3 miles, im going to do it when we get home. So i can work off whatever it is i eat.
I worked out soo hard on the treadmill today. I pushed myself to walk 3 miles. BRISK WALK. Burned off 230 calories and it only took an hour. Ive also lost more weight. Im now 207. Im really excited about it all. Never in my entire life have i been so incredibly proud of myself. My whole body is sore though. My arms are even sore and i havent even been doing much in the way of arm exercises. I havent done any crunches today. I got out of the shower after my workout and was just plain exhausted. So i will do my crunches sometime before dinner. My abs are still feeling the burn from yesturdays ab workout..lol I plan to workout just as hard tomorrow. I think i even kind of learned how to put my mind in a different place while working out. Instead of focusing on how hard it was, i kind of zoned out and put myself somewhere calm and relaxing. I noticed that my heart rate didnt sky rocket like it usually does either. It stayed at a nice even pace the entire time. And never once did i feel short of breath. It will be interesting to see how much ive lost by christmas.
Yesturday i had half a slim fast for lunch, i wasnt in the mood to eat. For dinner i had originally intended on eating chicken noodle soup and a grilled chicken salad from Subway. But they didnt have chicken noodle so i got cream of broccoli. But i ate one spoonful and decided i didnt like the way it tasted. I had really no appitite yesturday. I picked at my salad and ate all the olives and cucumbers out of it. It was packed full of spinach, so there was very little lettuce. I didnt eat any of the spinach and i had some of the lettuce. The crazy thing was that i was really full after eating. Oh, and i had a couple bites of the chicken. But im trying to cut out meat completely from my diet, so i only had a little bit. Lately ive been taking some fiber pills, for many reasons. I guess they expand in your stomach, must be why i dont have much of an appetite lately. just dont feel hungry. I also take a "1 a day weight smart" vitamin. Just to help even out the metabolism and give me some energy. Lately all i feel like doing is excerising. I have more energy then ever. I think losing this weight is showing me who i used to be. A happy energetic bubbly girl. I want to be that person again so badly. This weight los thing doesnt seem like a battle to me anymore. It feels like im in total control. I dont look at food and crave it anymore. I now see it and say so myself. Would i rather indulge in that food that is only going to make me gain 5 lbs and cry about it for a week, or do i want to be proud of myself for passing it up and finally moving on towards being thin.. i now always chose the latter. I dont wanna be the fat person that pertends to be jolly around everyone, but secretly cries when no ones looking. I dont care what it takes to get where i want to be. Im 100% dedicated to the process. This blog has been titled day 1. Because i look at is as day 1 in my progress, as far as tracking on this site goes.
After a LONG time of not posting and not doing what i should, i have returned. 14 lbs lighter and still losing. Im now 210 lbs and im losing weight rapidly. Ive lost 6 lbs in one week. They say when someones really over-weight and begin to rigerously start working out the fat just melts off. I guess thats what is happening. No longer a slave to fast food. I gave it all up. I actually dont even eat meat anymore. Except for an occasional bite of chicken. I have my slim fast every afternoon and a very small portion of whatever it is i make for my family for dinner. since my family isnt dieting i have to be careful how much normal food i put into my body. Since i seem to have the type of body that turns everything into fat no matter what it is i eat. Ive been eating things high in fiber for dinner. Sometimes instead of having what i make for the family i will have a frozen organic dinner of some sort. And i usually only eat half. Since decreasing the size of my portions my stomach has actually shrunk. I only eat small amounts now and feel very satisfied after. As far as working out i generally walk 2 miles a day on my treadmill, with one of those suits you wear made out of plastic to make you sweat more. Im slowy increasing the time spent on the treasdmill. I want to eventually get up to 5 miles a day. Then start jogging. For my abs i just do some simple piltes moves i remember. I try to get in 300 normal crunches as well. Since that happens to be my problem area. My size 19 jeans are already lose on me. And im very happy about that. My over-all goal is to fit a size 4. Right now im aiming for 180 lbs by february. Though i know i will surpass that probably sooner then february. My all time weight loss goal is to shed 100 lbs. Which would put me right around 100-110 lbs. Which is what i normally weigh.
