Again

I don't know.  I just don't.  What is standing in my way?  Every time I get close to losing weight, I can't get over whatever is standing in my way.  It was so easy to committ to the program when it was fresh and then all of a sudden it changed completely.  I accomplished one major goal and then it was done.  I had lost all of my baby weight and some how I gave myself permission to stop there. 

I miss making progress.  I hate sitting in my counselors office 3x a week blubbering my eyes out.  They should just start putting the kleenex right in my file!  I miss having more energy and feeling healthy again.  My bra is feeling tight around my ribcage again, which means that I have put mass back on.  Now I am going backwards.

There is no such thing as motivation for me right now.  I can't seem to get past the moment.  Resistance, will power, whatever you want to call it....I have NONE! 

Plan:    pack breakfast and lunch tonight
             drink at least 1/2 my water each day through the weekend
             plan dinner for tomorrow night (crock-pot?)

God I hate this (hangs head in shame)  They (counselors) keep telling me not to beat myself up, but who else is to blame?  I failed and I deserve to be publically flogged and then salt poured in the wounds!  There is nothing worse than not trying and that is EXACTLY what I have been doing for the past 5 months.  I have wasted time, energy and money.  Is there a greater sin?  I don't deserve any sympathy and I certainly don't deserve the hugs and support I have been getting.  They should be yelling at me!  Spitting on me!

When do I just give up?  When do I decide that there is no way I can do this anymore?  That is what happened with WW and now I am making it happen with HI.  Only it isn't as easy for me to quit HI.  I signed a contract for 2 years that I am only 10 months into.  I should be 100 lbs thinner by now and I am only down 40.  Big whoop!  I still weigh more than the guys I work with who are all a foot taller than me.  DISGUSTING!