Time Flies
When do you know you have hit bottom? How do you tell if you are stuck in "the blues" or truly depressed? God I hate this! My in-laws always drive me nuts but this past weekend was a whole new low. I could go on for hours about all the frustrating things I went through this weekend, but I don't have the energy. The bottom line is I found myself sitting on my back porch at 1:30 in the morning clutching a bottle of alcohol trying to figure out if getting shit faced would really help. (I put it back and slept on the couch)
This is also supposed to be my last week of weightloss. I am SUPPOSED to weigh 60 lbs less than I do right now and I have failed miserably. I can't even face my counselors and have been basically hiding 3 days per week. I can't look them in the eye and leave the building in tears every time. Do I give up? Good question. They keep telling me "you have lost 40 lbs, celebrate that!". How can I? I have failed in the most important thing I have ever done. This was SUPPOSED to be the future of my relationship with my son and husband. I am ashamed and horrified and many other words that don't even have enough power. My entire self worth has been tied up in this image from the beginning and I have not been happy since I stopped losing weight.
The ONLY thing that seems to bring me happiness anymore is food. I feel good when I eat. The worse for me the food is, the better I feel. My husband is losing patience because he doesn't understand. His big advice is "just don't eat it". Whatever. To him food does not have such an emotional connection. Food is a comfort, a reqard, a friend. I always know how food is going to make me feel. I don't owe food anything.
I feel like I am losing my DH because I can't shake myself out of this state of ickiness. I feel frustrated and on the verge of tears constantly and I can't even tell you why most of the time. Life feels so completely overwhelming that I have trouble breathing. I want to hide and have even contemplated faking an illness to go home and just sleep. My DH thinks I am being childish and selfish and ridiculous which doesn't make me feel any better. I can't even put into words what IS wrong so how can I expect him to understand these feelings?
Sometimes I think things would be better if he would just pull his own weight around the house. Or at least feel as bad about the mess of things as I do. He doesn't understand that having my kitchen counter covered in "STUFF" makes my physically ill. He can't understand that even though he does the laundry, it really isn't done until it is folded and brought up out of the basement!
Here I am working my self up into a good and frustrated "mad" and I don't know what to do about it. I can't tell him that I HATE his family and that I turn into a holy terror when they are around because after 8 years of "grin-and-bear-it" I am ready to lose my mind. Nothing is good enough, nothing is done right. There is no winning and I am going to come out of this the bad guy, no matter what.
I don't want to go home. I don't want to spend time with my own family in my own house that I can't even pay the mortgage on. Will I go home and pretend nothing is wrong? Probably, after so long I am getting pretty good at it. The fake smile plastered to my face is all anyone needs to see right now. Where else is there to go?