Random
Do you ever feel like you are floating? Like you are totally disconnected from everyone around you and that no matter what you do you can't change anything? That is how I am feeling. Like walking through water or a fog or liquid air. I can't focus on work or life and all I want to do is drive away. There is never any such thing as time to myself and I am beginning to hate it. I am craving isolation. But I won't get it because I am a "mom". I gave up all of my rights as an individual as soon as I gave birth. And now DH wants to have more kids. My head slowly begins to spin every time he brings it up. I can't do this alone.
Eating healthy is such a small part of my life right now but no doing it is destroying me. I recognize that fact. I am 30 years old, not 6 so I know what affect a bad diet has on my mood, my health, my body. But emotionally I am stretched so thin right now....and there is another excuse. Too busy, too much, too sad...always something. Why can't I get past the fact that something will always be in my way and just get over myself.
Maybe I don't deserve to be happy. I am FAT!!!! That is the most horrible thing I can say about myself. If you truly want to insult me, that is what you call me. If you want to get under my skin, that is the way. I walk into a room and I can instantly tell you whether I am the fattest one there. It is easy because I usually am. I work in a field that is mostly men. How can I expect anyone to take me seriously if they are disgusted just by looking at me? I am gagging just thinking about how I look.
