The aftermath

All I seem to be posting lately are public floggings of myself.  Truly, I don't think like this all the time, but at my lowest points this is how I feel.  I am having even fewer good, happy days lately than ever before.  Whenever I am at those lowest moments I sort of close in on myself and just need to vent.  All of my lowest moments involve food, weight or body image so you poor people seem to bear the brunt of it.  This seems to be the only place I can stop wearing the "happy mask" and all my self-loathing comes out.  I have to practice my smile every morning in the shower to make sure it is the first thing my son sees in the morning.  I never want him to be like me.

My DH just got back from a week in Germany and while I was happy to see him, I am mad that he is back.  My house was much easier to keep clean than ever.  I am not saying it was spotless (that is impossible with a 2 year old) but at least when I cleaned something off it stayed that way.  *sigh*  Guess after 8.5 years of marriage the honeymoon is definitely over.

I recently bought a book that many people have been raving about called "Body Clutter".  I haven't even had the courage to open it.  From what I understand, it is part diet book and part self-help book.  What if I look deep into my own soul and don't like what I see?  How do I live with myself at that point?  Can we say denial?  There is definitely something standing in the way (emotionally) of the "getting healthy" plan but I don't know what it is.

My to-do list never gets any shorter and Flylady is not helping at all.  Do I have too much of an inner perfectionist?  There is a little voice in my head that has no idea why I should even bother with anything because it will never be done well enough or often enough.  Why start if I will never finish?  Why get emotionally invested in something that is just going to fail anyway?  While I am a born perfectionist, I was not born organized.  My bedroom is a dumping ground for mountains of crap and I have no idea where to start or where to go with it. 

The in-laws are coming this weekend.  My skin is starting to crawl.  I have to spend time alone with them and I would rather have my wisdom teeth removed again.  There impending arrival and my escalating bitchiness go hand-in-hand.  My stomach actually HURTS when I know they are coming.  They are the most judgmental people I have ever met and I don't even want to know what they say about me behind my back.  Nor do they want to know what I say about them behind theirs. 
So, this post has certainly been all over the place.  Random thoughts from a random mind, I guess.