Confession: I gave up
Maybe I should change the title of my blog, huh? I haven't been on here in a VERY long time so I doubt anyone is still reading this. It is kind of nice to read back through my own posts though and remember when certain things happened and where my head was about certain things.
Just to let everyone know (if you are out there) I gave up. My eating has gone right back to where it was and so has my weight. I realized that I had undone everything I had accomplished when I had to pull the fat pants back out. That's right, I am back to wearing my size 22 jeans. I was down to an 18W, but I guess that will never happen again. I am miserable with my weight, but at least I am happy 3 times a day when I get to eat what ever I want.
I am not going to say that I am "back on the wagon" again because I am not quite ready for that. They have been calling from Healthy Inspirations wondering where I have been, but I was just sick of leaving there in tears. I am worthless and felt like it. At least if I don't go back I can be in a nice quiet state of denial.
It is getting to be that time where we either have another child or simply say we are only having 1. I am not getting any younger or thinner and my DH and I may go broke if we have to pay for another child in daycare. $500 a week would be enough to bankrupt anyone. We are in debt up to our eyeballs and it never seems to get any better. Having more income go out the door would be impossible to handle at this point.
OK, I don't know where I am going with this post. I just seem to be spewing without any direct path to my problems. Who am I to complain about anything in my life when we have so much. I don't deserve to vent or bitch....I should just shut-up and count my blessings. Why is it so hard to make it through the day though? I look at my disaster of a house and the mess I have made of my body and I wonder how my DH can even stand to look at me. I feel like a failure in all aspects of my life....I am just barely making it by fooling everyone into thinking I am holding it together when I am really just barely hanging on by my finger tips.
Healthy lifestyle? Who has the time? Here are the things I know I am giving up:
- playing with my son
- seeing my feet
- living a long life
- ever having self-esteem