I don't think I have ever been so sick as I was this weekend. I got some sort of flu bug from my son and was flat on my back miserable with fever, body aches, sore throat and severe headache. My fever was up to 104.8° for most of the day on Friday and by the time my husband got home Friday night I wanted to die. By that time I was throwing up and so dehydrated that I couldn't even sweat anymore. I desperately WANTED to go to the doctor but hubby decided to see if we could break the fever first. Cold compresses felt like torture because I was so hot but I was pretty delirious so I don't remember too much of it. The fever broke some time in the middle of the night on Friday and I spent all day Saturday sleeping. I mean ALL DAY. I managed to sit up and eat a little soup for lunch but then I laid down for a little nap and woke up 10 hours later.
Sunday I felt more alive, but still very weak. I am still a little wobbly today but I am here at work like a good little worker bee. I can see an early bedtime in my future though. And I am definitely not working any OT today. Maybe I will even leave a little early....
Food wise, the weekend wasn't an issue. It was horrible but hey, I am down 5 pounds since Thursday. Won't be for long but a girl can dream.
Do you ever feel like you are floating? Like you are totally disconnected from everyone around you and that no matter what you do you can't change anything? That is how I am feeling. Like walking through water or a fog or liquid air. I can't focus on work or life and all I want to do is drive away. There is never any such thing as time to myself and I am beginning to hate it. I am craving isolation. But I won't get it because I am a "mom". I gave up all of my rights as an individual as soon as I gave birth. And now DH wants to have more kids. My head slowly begins to spin every time he brings it up. I can't do this alone.
Eating healthy is such a small part of my life right now but no doing it is destroying me. I recognize that fact. I am 30 years old, not 6 so I know what affect a bad diet has on my mood, my health, my body. But emotionally I am stretched so thin right now....and there is another excuse. Too busy, too much, too sad...always something. Why can't I get past the fact that something will always be in my way and just get over myself.
Maybe I don't deserve to be happy. I am FAT!!!! That is the most horrible thing I can say about myself. If you truly want to insult me, that is what you call me. If you want to get under my skin, that is the way. I walk into a room and I can instantly tell you whether I am the fattest one there. It is easy because I usually am. I work in a field that is mostly men. How can I expect anyone to take me seriously if they are disgusted just by looking at me? I am gagging just thinking about how I look.
All I seem to be posting lately are public floggings of myself. Truly, I don't think like this all the time, but at my lowest points this is how I feel. I am having even fewer good, happy days lately than ever before. Whenever I am at those lowest moments I sort of close in on myself and just need to vent. All of my lowest moments involve food, weight or body image so you poor people seem to bear the brunt of it. This seems to be the only place I can stop wearing the "happy mask" and all my self-loathing comes out. I have to practice my smile every morning in the shower to make sure it is the first thing my son sees in the morning. I never want him to be like me.
My DH just got back from a week in Germany and while I was happy to see him, I am mad that he is back. My house was much easier to keep clean than ever. I am not saying it was spotless (that is impossible with a 2 year old) but at least when I cleaned something off it stayed that way. *sigh* Guess after 8.5 years of marriage the honeymoon is definitely over.
I recently bought a book that many people have been raving about called "Body Clutter". I haven't even had the courage to open it. From what I understand, it is part diet book and part self-help book. What if I look deep into my own soul and don't like what I see? How do I live with myself at that point? Can we say denial? There is definitely something standing in the way (emotionally) of the "getting healthy" plan but I don't know what it is.
My to-do list never gets any shorter and Flylady is not helping at all. Do I have too much of an inner perfectionist? There is a little voice in my head that has no idea why I should even bother with anything because it will never be done well enough or often enough. Why start if I will never finish? Why get emotionally invested in something that is just going to fail anyway? While I am a born perfectionist, I was not born organized. My bedroom is a dumping ground for mountains of crap and I have no idea where to start or where to go with it.
The in-laws are coming this weekend. My skin is starting to crawl. I have to spend time alone with them and I would rather have my wisdom teeth removed again. There impending arrival and my escalating bitchiness go hand-in-hand. My stomach actually HURTS when I know they are coming. They are the most judgmental people I have ever met and I don't even want to know what they say about me behind my back. Nor do they want to know what I say about them behind theirs. So, this post has certainly been all over the place. Random thoughts from a random mind, I guess.
Maybe I should change the title of my blog, huh? I haven't been on here in a VERY long time so I doubt anyone is still reading this. It is kind of nice to read back through my own posts though and remember when certain things happened and where my head was about certain things.
Just to let everyone know (if you are out there) I gave up. My eating has gone right back to where it was and so has my weight. I realized that I had undone everything I had accomplished when I had to pull the fat pants back out. That's right, I am back to wearing my size 22 jeans. I was down to an 18W, but I guess that will never happen again. I am miserable with my weight, but at least I am happy 3 times a day when I get to eat what ever I want.
I am not going to say that I am "back on the wagon" again because I am not quite ready for that. They have been calling from Healthy Inspirations wondering where I have been, but I was just sick of leaving there in tears. I am worthless and felt like it. At least if I don't go back I can be in a nice quiet state of denial.
It is getting to be that time where we either have another child or simply say we are only having 1. I am not getting any younger or thinner and my DH and I may go broke if we have to pay for another child in daycare. $500 a week would be enough to bankrupt anyone. We are in debt up to our eyeballs and it never seems to get any better. Having more income go out the door would be impossible to handle at this point.
OK, I don't know where I am going with this post. I just seem to be spewing without any direct path to my problems. Who am I to complain about anything in my life when we have so much. I don't deserve to vent or bitch....I should just shut-up and count my blessings. Why is it so hard to make it through the day though? I look at my disaster of a house and the mess I have made of my body and I wonder how my DH can even stand to look at me. I feel like a failure in all aspects of my life....I am just barely making it by fooling everyone into thinking I am holding it together when I am really just barely hanging on by my finger tips.
Healthy lifestyle? Who has the time? Here are the things I know I am giving up:
I don't know. I just don't. What is standing in my way? Every time I get close to losing weight, I can't get over whatever is standing in my way. It was so easy to committ to the program when it was fresh and then all of a sudden it changed completely. I accomplished one major goal and then it was done. I had lost all of my baby weight and some how I gave myself permission to stop there.
I miss making progress. I hate sitting in my counselors office 3x a week blubbering my eyes out. They should just start putting the kleenex right in my file! I miss having more energy and feeling healthy again. My bra is feeling tight around my ribcage again, which means that I have put mass back on. Now I am going backwards.
There is no such thing as motivation for me right now. I can't seem to get past the moment. Resistance, will power, whatever you want to call it....I have NONE!
Plan: pack breakfast and lunch tonight drink at least 1/2 my water each day through the weekend plan dinner for tomorrow night (crock-pot?)
God I hate this (hangs head in shame) They (counselors) keep telling me not to beat myself up, but who else is to blame? I failed and I deserve to be publically flogged and then salt poured in the wounds! There is nothing worse than not trying and that is EXACTLY what I have been doing for the past 5 months. I have wasted time, energy and money. Is there a greater sin? I don't deserve any sympathy and I certainly don't deserve the hugs and support I have been getting. They should be yelling at me! Spitting on me!
When do I just give up? When do I decide that there is no way I can do this anymore? That is what happened with WW and now I am making it happen with HI. Only it isn't as easy for me to quit HI. I signed a contract for 2 years that I am only 10 months into. I should be 100 lbs thinner by now and I am only down 40. Big whoop! I still weigh more than the guys I work with who are all a foot taller than me. DISGUSTING!
When do you know you have hit bottom? How do you tell if you are stuck in "the blues" or truly depressed? God I hate this! My in-laws always drive me nuts but this past weekend was a whole new low. I could go on for hours about all the frustrating things I went through this weekend, but I don't have the energy. The bottom line is I found myself sitting on my back porch at 1:30 in the morning clutching a bottle of alcohol trying to figure out if getting shit faced would really help. (I put it back and slept on the couch)
This is also supposed to be my last week of weightloss. I am SUPPOSED to weigh 60 lbs less than I do right now and I have failed miserably. I can't even face my counselors and have been basically hiding 3 days per week. I can't look them in the eye and leave the building in tears every time. Do I give up? Good question. They keep telling me "you have lost 40 lbs, celebrate that!". How can I? I have failed in the most important thing I have ever done. This was SUPPOSED to be the future of my relationship with my son and husband. I am ashamed and horrified and many other words that don't even have enough power. My entire self worth has been tied up in this image from the beginning and I have not been happy since I stopped losing weight.
The ONLY thing that seems to bring me happiness anymore is food. I feel good when I eat. The worse for me the food is, the better I feel. My husband is losing patience because he doesn't understand. His big advice is "just don't eat it". Whatever. To him food does not have such an emotional connection. Food is a comfort, a reqard, a friend. I always know how food is going to make me feel. I don't owe food anything.
I feel like I am losing my DH because I can't shake myself out of this state of ickiness. I feel frustrated and on the verge of tears constantly and I can't even tell you why most of the time. Life feels so completely overwhelming that I have trouble breathing. I want to hide and have even contemplated faking an illness to go home and just sleep. My DH thinks I am being childish and selfish and ridiculous which doesn't make me feel any better. I can't even put into words what IS wrong so how can I expect him to understand these feelings?
Sometimes I think things would be better if he would just pull his own weight around the house. Or at least feel as bad about the mess of things as I do. He doesn't understand that having my kitchen counter covered in "STUFF" makes my physically ill. He can't understand that even though he does the laundry, it really isn't done until it is folded and brought up out of the basement!
Here I am working my self up into a good and frustrated "mad" and I don't know what to do about it. I can't tell him that I HATE his family and that I turn into a holy terror when they are around because after 8 years of "grin-and-bear-it" I am ready to lose my mind. Nothing is good enough, nothing is done right. There is no winning and I am going to come out of this the bad guy, no matter what.
I don't want to go home. I don't want to spend time with my own family in my own house that I can't even pay the mortgage on. Will I go home and pretend nothing is wrong? Probably, after so long I am getting pretty good at it. The fake smile plastered to my face is all anyone needs to see right now. Where else is there to go?
Today and tomorrow I am truly starting over with my eating plan. Back to square one....literally. I am doing a shortened version of the "Quickstart" that basically lets you eat as much as you want as long as it is lean protein or vegetables. Nothing else. When I did it in January, doing this really helped out with the carb cravings. When I was done, I had NO desire to eat any crap food, which made the rest of the diet go very smoothly. Then I started to add the refined sugars back in and everything went to hell. Sooooo, I am going to try this again to see if I can get the cravings back out of my system.
I have to tell you though, that the M&Ms and chocolate have really been calling my name today. I have had to mentally slap my own hands more times that I would like to admit. It started at 7:00 this morning when I was cleaning out the pockets in a pair of pants and found two pieces of candy. I had one of the unwrapped before I could think and almost into my mouth. Who eats candy at 7:00 in the morning before even getting in the shower? Me apparantly.
Just found out that my best friend from college has been put on bedrest with her pregnancy. She has to be sitting or laying down for the next 10 weeks. Sheesh! I can't even imagine it. She is only a few days into it so her spirits are high, but I know that it is going to be hard to keep them up. Anyone have any ideas for what I can send her? I would like to put together a "survival kit" of some kind but don't know exactly what to put into it.
We will be camping this weekend and I am going to have to forgo the s'mores. WAHHHHHH! Ooey gooey goodness and I have to skip them. :(
GOOD GOD!!!! I don't think my life could get any busier. I am trying to plan my son's birthday party, help finish our basement, work full time, try to keep my house clean and try to manage my health plan. Guess which one of those things is getting the short end of the stick. That's right....the eating healthy part. There is just no time to cook and even though I have been trying the best I can, I am still falling short.
It is raining. Or should I say STILL raining. The storm was so bad last night that it actually woke me up, which never happens. I went to look outside and the water running down the street had backed up well over the sidewalk in our front yard. I tried taking pictures, but my flash just wasn't powerful enough. Might see something when I try to lighten them in PhotoShop. Since then it has been raining in sheets on and off all day. Has to be a 100-year event but I haven't heard anything.
My family is coming tonight because Caleb's daycare provider decided to go camping for the weekend and will be gone tomorrow and Monday.
Does anyone else ever have a "skinny" day? I had one yesterday when I all of a sudden realized that my clothes were just hanging on me. I could pull my pants off without unbuttoning them! Means I am probably down to a size 16W from the 20 I have been wearing. Not great, but it is progress.
pasta. That is pretty much all I have eaten for the last 2 days. I had pasta at a work lunch yesterday and then made mac and cheese last night since I didn't have the energy to make anything else. I told myself I wasn't going to eat any, but then finished what the boys hadn't eaten when they weren't looking. Didn't have time to pack a lunch so I ate leftover pasta at work for lunch. The result: I feel like a slug that really needs a nap. I remember back to when I first started this eating plan and basically gave up carbs cold turkey. After the initial few days I felt GREAT! I had more energy than ever before and was actually able to get something done when I got home from work. Now I am back to the same carb stuffing person I was before.
I have my exercise class tonight. Only 2 left for this session and I am trying to decide if I want to do this class again or try cardio kickboxing. My sluggish ass is terrified of trying and failing, but the toning class I am taking has sure brought some great results. My friend is going to be taking BOTH classes next time, but I don't think I have the energy or time to do that.
I had a nice fat juicy post typed out yesterday when I got a call from a client who needed me to drop something off for him. I hit close on the browser without hitting submit and lost the whole thing! Wahhhh! Oh well.
So, the good news is that I only gained a pound over the weekend! That is definite progress for me since I have been gaining anywhere from 3 to 6 pounds every weekend all summer. It all comes back off during the week, but then I ruin it again over the next weekend. So, keeping it to 1 pound is an accomplishment. Also, I think I can blame it on AF instead of eating badly. I didn't make GREAT choices, but I did make the best choice available. Hopefully, I can keep losing yet this week and then keep going through this weekend.
I have been walking around in a fog today and I am hoping that I will be able to get more sleep tonight. However, I have to finish invitations for my son's birthday party so they can go in the mail tomorrow. Ahhhhh! I have them 90% done, but just have to finish the lettering. Can't quite seem to get it done! There is too much to do in my life.
I miss my old life. A lot. I was really happy before I had kids and now I struggle just to make it through the day. Anyone else feel like this? I am not saying that I would ever give up what I have, but I definitely think that if I had it to do over again I wouldn't have had kids. I know that I will be able to do all those things that I did before, but there are days that I am really resentful of being a parent. My mom keeps telling me that this is the most important thing I will ever do, but all I can think about is that million ways I am going to screw up. Talk about stressful.
I am starting to babble. Definitely need more sleep.
