I walked an hour

I am so grateful for that sentence.  I'm almost in tears writing this.  I've been op for a few days now and that is a miracle.  Even the binges at the beginning of the week were smaller and not junk which is also an improvement.  I know that's small potatoes to some, but not a daily binger.  And I walked for an hour.  It was only 2 1/2 miles, but I walked for an hour when a few days ago it was agonizing to stand.  Well, it's still agonizing, but it's going to hurt no matter what I do so I may as well walk.  I walked with a friend which completely eliminates the boredom factor for me. I'm feeling completely on a high right now.

junky

Some days I just feel like a junky.  Today was one of those days.  It's a long explanation but I have to check in with my supervisor periodically to check in about my whole recovery thing to which I'm largely resistent.  Mostly because I've relapsed so much lately.  I was the one who decided to get help and I just feel like if I decide I don't want to be sober any more that's my decision.  But this was the deal we worked out when I started this job, so I deal with it.  But I always feel bad about myself when we talk about because I'm usually not doing to much to stay sober.  To be honest, at this point, I don't want to be sober.  That was how the day started.

I also woke with horrible horrible neuropathic pain and couldn't stand/shower/get ready for work/etc.  I downed a bunch of ibuprofen and finally was able to stand long enough to get a shower and get to the car.  I went to see my chiropractor this afternoon, who obviously felt it was a bad idea to take 6 ibuprofen at once.  So then I had to explain why I can't take prescription pain killers and all that crap.  I don't know.  It just seemed like all I did all day was talk about my addictions. 

What does that have to do with food?  Well for starters I kept calling myself a drunk and a junky and then I really wanted to go to the brand spankin new taco bell down the street to drown my sorrows in a legal vice.  I often get pissed off that other people can drink responsibly and I can't.  The truth is I don't want to.  I want to be able to drink and get high as much as I want and still function normally.  By the same token I think about how so many people can eat what they want and never get fat.  I want to eat all day and never exercise and wake up tomorrow a 120 lb athlete.  Fat chance.  No pun intended.  Sounds like a lot of self pity bouncing around in there.

On the positive side, I did NOT go to taco bell.  I have been OP today so far even though it's been tough.  I have food planned for tomorrow.  Hopefully I'll be able to exercise again tomorrow.  Once the pain has subsided.

september challenge

I started Gwynn's challenge for September and I'm very excited.  I recently wrote about focusing rewards on behaviors rather than pounds lost.  Her challenge rewards both and makes it a competition/game. 

My personal goal for september is to journal my food everyday using sparkpeople website.  It's a great tracker.  Calculates everything for you.  I have a tendency to do one of two things:  I either log my food and then binge at night and conveniently forget to add it or tell my self I'll start over tomorrow or I only log food on good days.  I never log the other crap.  I'm hoping this will make me more accountable.  It was eye opening to see that I consumed over 3400 calories today with very little effort.  Not much junk food either.  I can't even guess what a typical junk food binge would look like in calories. 

I have alot of other goals, of course.  But I'm trying to do one thing at a time.  Make it a habit and then move on to the next.  I know from experience when I try to change too many things at once I give up easily.  The september challenge will focus on my food journal and exercise.  Future goals will be to drink more water, eat more vegetables, reduce food binges, and take my blood sugar meds as prescribed.  But again one thing at a time.

I've been thinking more about rewards.  There's plenty of non-food rewards I have in mind.  I'm thinking that if I stick with this september challenge I will reward myself with a new tattoo.  I know that may sound strange to some but I kinda like tats.  I'm just not brave enough to put them where others can see them.  I have a big goal in mind as well.  Even though it is weightloss oriented there's a reason.  I would really like to start biking, but I know I can't make myself ride around in public in my current shape.  I also don't want a permanent bike seat wedgie :) or watch a bike crumble under my weight.  I would have to save up for a purchase like that so I think I want to make that the under 200 reward.  So if I ever ever ever dip below 200 lbs I want a bicycle.  

I feel like I'm rambling a litle.  Just feeling a bit manic today.  Hope you are all having a great labor day.  Here's to a short week.

rewards

First of all, thanks so much for the helpful tips about the multivitamins.  I  greatly appreciate the information.  I've often thought the vitamin industry in general is a giant rip-off.

Back to the topic at hand.  I've decided to reward myself for behavior and not just lost pounds.  My reasoning is that when I make healthy choices and still don't lose weight I stop making healthy choices.  I think it's going to take long term healthy choices before I see a change in my metabolism.  But every good choice is a step in the right direction, especially with all the medical problems.  I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to approach this whole reward thing.  I've got to give that some more thought. 

Today I did really well until about an hour ago.  I was packing my lunch/snacks for tomorrow and inhaled some dry roasted  peanuts and then some yogurt.  I crave food all the time.  First thing in the morning.  Last thing at night.  And all points in between.  But it seems to be in the evening that the physical hunger kicks in.  It starts with something like "hey, these are lightly salted peanuts.  wonder what they taste like.  hey that's pretty good.  crunch. crunch. crunch.  oops, there went half the jar."  

I did walk today and I'm really proud of that.  I walked outside, which is really hard for me. I'm always paranoid they people are watching and judging me.  I did it anyway because the track in town is so much easier on my feet than any other surface.  I walked for 30 minutes before I got so hot I thought I would throw up.  Needless to say I didn't pick the best time.  I left work at 3:00 very very very angry at a co-worker and I figured I had 3 choices:  down a fifth of whiskey, down a large pizza, or go for a walk.  I grabbed my mp3 player and went to the track.  So, I'm happy that I made that choice.  But then I still ate the peanuts.  So I suppose it was a somewhere in the middle day.

However, it's a big big plus for me to not choose whiskey.  And a big big plus to walk outside by myself.  And I walked despite the fact that I have intense neuropathic pain that affects my hips, knees, and feet and it has been alot worse lately.  But I did eat the peanuts  (I'm having a little trouble letting it go  ).

Well,there ya go.  The good, the bad,and the ugly betty.

multivitamins

I've been thinking alot about taking a multivitamin, but I've often heard that alot of them are just plain ineffective.  I found this website that compares various brands on their effectiveness and price.  Just thought I would share.

http://www.multivitaminguide.org/MultivitaminGuideU7.pdf

lost 1 lb

not great, i know, but i'll take it.  i had a really good week.  op most days.  a little slack over the weekend - unstructured time is a weakness.  but not a free for all binge like most weekends.  i remembered to pack my lunch last week which was a big help.

this week i plan to focus more energy on water intake.  i drink alot, but i don't think i quite make the 64 oz recommendation.  and continue to pack my lunch.  i'm looking forward to the upcoming week.

good day

two good days really.  i've eaten well yesterday and today.  today i walked 25 minutes.  not as much as i hoped but everything over 20 at this point is gravy -  ummm gravy.  just kidding.  i can walk longer but you know, the boredom factor.  i absolutely feel like i'm losing my mind.  i don't have tv.  i listen to music loudly but even that gets unbearable. 

last week i didn't do so well.  gained the 5 i lost then lost it again.  at least i am back on track now.

today i found out that my employee may offer free counseling services.  i've been trying to find an affordable counselor/therapist for awhile.  free is about as affordable as i can get.  i have to call for a consultation and then see if anyone is available in my area.  i'm really hoping this works out cause i clearly need some help.  everybody in my life seems to think so too.  i hope to contact them tomorrow.

thanks for all your support.  i really don't know where i'd be without you guys.

the walking site

I found this very helpful website for those of us who are very beginners at exercising.  This link is to a training schedule that assumes you are starting at zero minutes and words up to 60.  I don't know if anyone else is starting at zero, but I thought i would post it just in case.

http://www.thewalkingsite.com/12week.html

5 lb?

According to my scale I've lost 5 pounds this week, but it's a really cheap scale, so I'm a bit cautious about celebrating too early.  That sounds like alot.

But it's motivation for the upcoming week.  This week will be difficult because I'm not working all week, but I'll be on the road alot.  I'll be around my family alot and they make horrible food choices and I follow suit like a junky.  I've got to resolve before I go to make better choices.  And then stick to it.  Then I have to go a couple of other places before the week's end.  I know that even if I have to opt for fast food I can make decent choices.  Most places have better choices now. 

I will try to post more often this week to keep myself in check.  Off to check on you guys.

Choices....

"Each choice we make narrows the range of possible future choices so that we make our lives as we go, both freely choosing and being determined by our past choices". 

I read somthing every day.  Usually I forget what I read a few minutes later, but sometimes things will just reappear in my memory.  A word flashback?  Anyhow, this was the beginning of an author's commentary on "the road not taken".  For some reason I had a flashback of these words today.  I think it's very well put, but if I may be so bold, I would suggest "narrows" is not the most appropriate verb.  I would chose "alters" because I think the range could just as easily expand.   Positive choices increase the range of future positive choices.  Negative choices decrease the range of future positive choices. 

When I fail to plan my food for the next day, my choices are narrow.  And most times I will surrender to cravings or hunger or convenience.  When I choose to do something positive for myself I increase the range of future choices.  For example, losing weight could lead to greater health, possibly giving me the option of eliminating some medications.  Increased stamina could lead to more choices of outdoor activities:  hiking, biking, etc.

I'm trying to get out of the "now" thinking.  If I eat this brownie I may get great pleasure from it now, but how will it affect my future choices?   Will it expand or narrow my choices?   It almost always narrows, because one brownie typically lead to a pan of brownies.  One day OP typically leads to another day OP. 

If I can just remember to ask how each choice will affect me in the long run, I think I will make better choices.