I told ya I sucked at this

I am horrible about keeping up with blogs.  I get all gungho and bang out a couple in the beginning and then...life happens.  It's been almost a month since I posted anything.  A long month at that.  I've seen my weight go from 320 to 305 during that month.  If only I could have been good I'd be out of the 300s.  I can't look to the past though, this is about being responsible for my future.

I can't promise that I'll keep up with this blog but I'm going to do my damnedest to try.

Disgusted

I had a well thought out blog all typed up and ready to post.  I clicked on preview and wouldn't you know it?  The damn thing didn't work.  All I got was a blank page and bye-bye to the 15 minutes I spent typing up my weekend.  I am pissed beyond words.  I'm gonna go have a drink. 

Me and my scale

By now everyone should know that I'm a scale addict.  I know it's not good but everyone has a different opinion.  Some folks say you should weigh every day and some folks say to pick one day a week and weigh.  I'm on the high octane weigh yourself every minute plan...lol!  Okay, so last night I weighed myself and the scale showed 308.  Naturally I thought that I had finally broke the damned thing so I picked it up and inspected it.  Nothing seemed amiss so I put it back on the floor and made sure that it was level and that the pointer was exactly on zero.  With all that done I hopped back on thinking that sure it would read differently.  Nope.  Still at 308.  So this time I got down on the floor to double check that the pointer was exactly on zero (it was) and I got back on.  Still 308.  So the psycho scale stalker in me weighed one more time and this time I made sure to note where the pointer fell.  I picked up the scale and that line was two lines up from 308.

Now I'm really boggled.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm happy to have lost this weight but part of me is expecting that this is only temporary.  I didn't eat dinner last night so that must be why I dropped another almost 4lbs overnight.  There wasn't anything in my stomach.  This morning I weighed again and got the same reading.  I'm gonna stop sabatoging myself with negative thoughts.  That's hard to do because I've been down this road so many times only find myself back at the starting point a few months later.  I'm going to try and ride this out for as long as I can and not think negatively.  I have made a vow to my scale to trust it's reading and not doubt the numbers.  It's a scale and it can't lie unless I set it to lie.  Would that men were so easy!

One more high point for me.  I jogged on my treadmill last night.  It wasn't a long jog though.  There is something wrong with the belt on the treadmill (or perhaps it's that 250lb weight limit that's making it difficult) and I haven't gotten it figured out.  If the belt is going slow it barely moves but if I set it fast then it slips.  I bought it second hand so I don't expect much.  Anyway, I actually JOGGED!!  It felt good and if it wasn't for the fact that I'd be beyond embarrassed, I would have turned the tread off and went outside and jogged around my neighborhood.  I count this as an accomplishment.  I was doing pretty good too until I almost slipped and bit it on the treadmill.  Maybe when I weigh less it won't be so much of an issue.  Then again, by that time I won't need the treadmill because I won't be embarrassed to go outside and run.  That is my goal.  I  have never ran in my life.  I've never had to; no one's ever chased me!  Now I have this urge to go all Prefontaine and run my neighborhood.  If I can lose another 10 lbs this month I intend to reward myself by trying to run on that stupid treadmill again.  Don't worry...I'll be careful!

What a friggin day!

I don't have much to post other than today SUCKED!!  The only thing I've eaten all day has been half of a mini bagel.  I am in a state....

A Funny Think Happened on the (Way to the) Scales

I am obsessed with my scale.  I can't count the number of times each day I get on the scale.  If I go to the bathroom...I'm on the scale.  If I wake up in the middle of the night to turn over I have to get up and get on the scale.  I am a scale-a-holic.  I am rarely, if ever happy with what's on the scale so last night was a great shock.  I got on the scale and it reported my weight as being 312.  Now I asked myself just how was that possible.  I've been stagnant at 325 FOREVER!!  Now I've dropped 13lbs?  Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the loss.  I just want to know what I did so I can repeat it!

Wow...I was so disappointed with myself because I didn't think that I had done anything this month.  Looks like I accomplished something after all.  Look out 310...here I come!

I guess I should start this.

My friend has been getting on to me for quite some time now because I haven't started my blog.  The thought of keeping up with this thing daily does not appeal to me.  I already have two other blogs and adding a third seems excessive.  I don't keep up with the other two as well as I should either so if I have readers, don't expect to hear from me every day.

I am 33 years old and I have been overweight my whole life.  I have tried everything to lose weight and all attempts have failed.  I am now trying to cut back on my calories.  It's not working.  I'm having two smoothies, a fiber shake and dinner.  I've been doing this since the beginning of May and to date I've lost a piddly 10lbs.  Now before anyone tells me to be grateful for those 10 lbs, let me tell you that I have been gaining and losing the same damned 10 lbs for the whole month of May.  The first week I lost 5 lbs.  The second week I gained 7 lbs..and so on and so forth.  This is also the same 10 lbs I lost in April.

I'm more disappointed in myself than I am anything else.  I am admittedly lazy.  I bought a treadmill and I've used it all of four times in the six weeks that I've had it.  In six weeks I could have dropped at least 20 lbs.  I've had some personal issues to deal with as well but that's over now and I'm ready to walk away my stress.  I am doing better with food though but I think that's only because I've basically removed it from the equation.  I'm going to have to reasses that.  If I don't get enough calories then I won't lose any weight.

I think I'm sick of trying.  I have been trying all my life to lose weight and I think that I've just reached the point where I'm like WTF?  All of my previous attempts didn't work why keep trying?  I'm not a very patient person but I know I can't lose 163 lbs over night.  I'm horrible at motivating myself.  In the beginning I'm usually primed and ready to go but as the weeks and days of unsuccess weight loss continue to pass I get depressed.  I've tried everything but...well...maybe I'm just meant to be fat.  I look at other people who've done it and it amazes me.  My friend lost 16lbs this month basically eating what she wants and exercising.  I think I've found those 16lbs!

So, this is attempt 6 million.  They say the 6 millionth time is the charm!