A journey to transformation

Prayer request AND day two of no prozac

Tuesday, October 30, 2007 23:06:14

One of my sweet friend's sons overdosed last night and she is a complete and total wreck. He got help within a few hours so the prognosis is good, but she has so many other stressors in her life right now including a yucky divorce, and I feel so helpless. So I am just asking you all to pray for her and her family right now. Give her and her sons the strength to make it through this time and to come out the other end stronger and better for it. Thanks.

Ok as for me: I am on day two of my prozac wash out and it is going okay. I can feel the agitation building inside AND I am still keeping it together with only one little weepy episode earlier. So far, so good right? Baby steps. And geez compared to my friend's problems...well it just seems silly to even think about this ya know?

Comments(0)

The whole truth revealed

Tuesday, October 30, 2007 23:04:16

Hi, so I went to see my doctor today to talk with her about how my depression meds do not seem to be working as well as they once did. I was taking Fluoxetine (generic Prozac) 40mg, up from 20mg when I was originally prescribed them back in 2007. After some talking, some crying, and some reassurance from the doctor, I have agreed to start on Cymbalta to see if this will help me better. I'm a bit scared though because I have to go off the Prozac for a few days to do a "wash out" which essentially means cleaning as much of the med out of my system as I can prior to beginning the Cymbalta. The doctor said to expect some lightheadedness, some increased teariness, and some elevated emotional reactions. Yippee! :( It is only for a few days right?

So, I said in the title of this post that I was going to reveal the whole truth. And here it is in black and white.

Weight: 294 pounds (that is up 9 pounds since I last weighed Sept 5 and 20 pounds since my last physical in early 2007!) OMG I cannot believe that I have gained that much weight! I know it is because I started to lose the weight and then yo-yo'd back plus some.

BP: 146/90 and this is on my blood pressure meds which normally keep my bp down at normal 120/80. She is going to reexamine things in November when I go in for my annual physical.

Motivation: None or very little prior to my appointment, yet increasing every moment since.

I talked with her about my weight concerns. She explained to me how we need good levels of seratonin in our system in order to regulate our moods. Those of us who suffer from depression (a chemical imbalance in the brain) are low on the seratonin. Studies have shown that there are actually certain "comfort foods" which help produce seratonin, which is why we feel better after consuming them--foods like chocolate, carbs, etc. Diets like Atkins and others which promote low or no carbs, actually find people with an increased incidence of depression. They have found that even eating just one small square of chocolate prior to a meal decreases the amount of food a person ate. She told me that for me personally, it really isn't about willpower. It is about my hormones and brain chemicals being all out of whack. And so we have a plan now to get things organized again, which should result in my being able to actually LOSE and keep it off!

For the first time in forever, I feel the hope. More to come as time goes on. :)

Comments(3)

My visit to the therapist

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 00:09:13

Hi, so I went to see the therapist yesterday. I asked her why I wasn't able to do the holdings that need to be done with my son to help him. I feel awful as a parent that I am not giving him what he needs right now. She explained that everyone, even me, needs someone to hold them at times. And with my husband gone most of the month, I don't get that. It is different than when I am holding my children and snuggling. I need someone to hold ME. So she prescribed this: when James is home next, kids go to daycare or a friends for the day while we spend the day in bed...snuggling and whatever. Sounds absolutely delicious to me.

We also realized the medication I take for depression is either not working well anymore or is not in the right dose given my current state of stress. I have all the classic symptoms of depression: irritability, hopelessness, negative self-talk, inability to sleep at night, feeling tired all day, etc. DUH! So I have an appointment on Monday to meet with my doctor to discuss my medication AND to get her feedback and guidance on how best for me to lose weight. I feel good that I have a plan of action for a change.

I also have joined SparkPeople and it is really a wonderful site. People are super supportive there, just like here, and it has a lot of helpful information on all sorts of subjects. I honestly think between here and there, I have a real chance at doing this.

Today I am still sick with the bug my littlest one passed on to me. I have a headache, sore throat, runny nose, and just general malaise. So I took the kids to daycare, am snuggling up in my blanket on the couch, drinking some tea, and hoping to get some zzz's.

Hey, thanks to everyone for their prayers, kind thoughts, and support. It really means a lot to me.

Comments(2)

Stop the insanity!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 00:06:13

Years ago I remember trying to follow a fitness plan by a woman who titled her book "Stop the Insanity". And while I cannot for the life of me remember who she is or much of what she said, I do remember that one line. STOP THE INSANITY.

As I see it, here's my life: I love my husband. I love my children. I love my extended family. I think that I am a nice gal, loyal and helpful friend, caring and nurturing mom, and devoted wife and daughter. But obviously somewhere inside of me is a negativity which needs to be evaluated and crushed. And these negative voices are driving me bonkers because I have allowed them to rule my life. Somehow I have to find a way to stop the insanity.

Awhile ago I read this quote and it hit home:

How can I love somebody else
If I can't love myself enough to know
When it's time,
Time to let go - Mary J. Blige.

So here is my plan:

See the therapist at least twice per month to discuss the negative voices inside my mind which seem to dictate my eating, exercise, and general motivations.

Be honest with myself and the therapist about what triggers me and really find out what is so loveable about myself.

Use my AB Lounge 4x per week minimum.

Plan meals and shopping list once per week to minimize straying AND to save money for my vacation.

Blog a minimum of 4x per week to keep myself honest and motivated.

****For those who asked, no I didn't call Jenny yet although I really want to do that and am still planning on it. I just haven't had the extra cash...and when we did get some extra money, we went ahead and booked the anniversary cruise in Hawaii for 2010. Yahoo! Now, we aren't actually going on our anniversary (July 1) because it was better for us to go in August, but it is still for our anniversary and we will renew our vows in Hawaii. And that alone is reason enough to get off my butt and get healthy...right? Just know, this is not the motivation for me. It is more like the reward.

Comments(3)

Broken promises

Saturday, December 8, 2007 22:09:17

Ok, so I am sitting here chewing on a chocolate chip cookie and I realize that my AB Lounge Xtreme is glaring at me. Seriously. It has sat unused for weeks now, collecting children's toys and shoes, and it doesn't look very happy about it. After all, didn't I promise that I would use it every other day? Didn't Tony Little tell me, and me alone, "You can doooo it" ?? And yet, once again, I have broken promises to the AB Lounge Xtreme, to Tony, and worse, to myself.

How do these broken promises come about? And is there a little repair shop somewhere that I can take them to in order for them to be repaired? If I leave them out at night, will little elves come to my home and fix them for me? Or is there something more that needs to be done here, short of throwing it all away and saying "screw it" and diving into another chocolate chip cookie or fudge sundae?

WHY can't I love myself enough to do this????????? Is my life so out of control that I just have to hold on to this one thing--fat--which I can control? Or is that just a load of CRAP I tell myself to make it all better as I scarf down the next slice of pizza?

Something has to give. It HAS to, right? If I sit around waiting for some awe-inspiring moment to arrive, I believe I will be tragically let down. There is no wind in my sails, so to speak. No magic potion or water from which to drink to inspire myself to GO GO GO and get in shape? If I cannot do it for my health, what then??? Have I resigned myself to being like this?

Do you know how many weight loss cookbooks I own? Along with self help diet books, exercise books, and the like? Most of which look very nice on my shelves yet have remained relatively unusued? And I went ahead and ordered yet another set of books entitled: The Abs Diet for Women. Included is a DVD, eat out guide, stay fit plan, and cookbook. I got it free for 21 days. It's from Prevention so i know it is good, but seriously, will I do it???

And what happened to Jenny Craig or WW? Well $$$$$$$ is what happened. I had the choice between booking our cruise to Hawaii for our anniversary in 2010 or buying those items. And seeing how I have not done that either, I wonder just how serious I am about LOVING myself enough to do something wonderful for myself??????? I guess I had in my mind that if I booked the trip, then the weight loss would be natural to follow because I would want to look great in Hawaii. Yeah ok!

All of this makes me angry at myself for tricking myself into thinking that I do care and that I do want to love myself. People tell me to just remind myself about the good things I do and the good parts of myself, and to work on building my self confidence and on loving myself enough to do this for myself. Ok, easy to say, hard to do...especially when I know I am filling myself with a load of BS. Siiiiiiiiiigh. And that right there pisses me off to because I hate feeling that way.

So how to stop??? Ahhh the $64,000 question posed yet again for all to read.

Comments(2)

Emotional eating...and feeling so empty

Saturday, December 8, 2007 22:05:02

I have not been here in awhile because I have closed myself off and sort of moved inward while I am dealing with these stressful issues in my life. And I have totally caved in to eating emotionally. And I know why.

I FEEL SO EMPTY!

As I was sitting at the therapist's office last week, I knew there must be something I should be saying or doing and yet I had nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. I was completely emotionally empty. All I could do was cry. So it is no wonder that I am eating comforting foods like chocolate, shakes, burgers, and such. I have not called Jenny. I have not bought healthy foods at the store to serve to my family. I have not exercised on my beloved Ab Lounge. The therapist told me it was okay and that I would do what I needed when I needed it. She gave me permission to just take a break and take care of myself, and reminded me to stop telling myself what I should or shouldn't be doing and to just BE.

In the last few days, I have done a lot of thinking about this. And I realized something. I am so lonely because I have no one locally to share my ups and downs with...to just be me with whenever. Sure, I have friends but nobody I am really close with. They call when they need something, or just to say hello from time to time, but life is frantic and busy for them as it is for me, and so days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. And being shy does NOT help because it keeps me from reaching out to make new friends. So many missed opportunities.

And that got me to thinking about how much I miss being near my parents, brother, and extended family who all live about 3 hours away. We can't just up and move as the housing market sucks for sellers right now, and so I need to find something to which I belong. When I worked, I had that. When I was in college, I had that. And as a VERY SHY single mom, because that's what I basically am with hubby gone as much as he is, I struggle to get involved in anything where I have to stand out.

Now don't get me wrong....once I know you, I am gonna talk your ear off. I am still reserved and have a hard time "letting my hair down" BUT I will be the best friend you ever had if you give me the chance. Problem is my shyness is often mistaken for snotty-ness. So not me, but I do see how it does look that way.

Sooooo....I thought more about going back to church. Belonging to something...a family of Christ. I am not a hugely religious person yet I do believe that reaching out to a local church could really help me loosen up, become part of something, and with my kids by my side, it will make actually doing it easier on me. Yeah, I guess I'm "using" my kids to get my foot in the door, and yet this benefits them as much as me so it is a win-win situation right?

I have also signed my son up for a martial arts class with the hopes of meeting other parents. It is just down the block from home so I can walk and that alone is reason to do it.

I still feel really empty and am struggling every waking moment to not just put my head under the covers and hide. It is not really the depression but more a transitory time in my life right now. I want to stop being the frumpy dumpy housewife and mother and become a lively, sexy, well-put together person. I have no idea how to apply makeup to make myself look younger, sexier, and healthier. I have no idea how to accessorize clothes or even find garments to wear that accentuate the positive. I want to do these things, I just do not know how and I am too shy and embarrassed to ask anyone.

So I don't know what I am going to do. I just know that I want to step up and take care of myself and actually put myself in line..not necessarily first but at least IN the line of important people in my life. Maybe when I was thinner and could dress "cool" or whatever, I didn't because it wasn't me but at least I could if I wanted. Now, I am overweight so much that I simply cannot dress that way nor do I know how to make myself up like that so it is not an option. Maybe the "can't" part is what is kicking my butt. I hate to be told I "can't" do something!

Anyways, suggestions and comments are always welcome. I am a jumble of emotions right now and I do appreciate your love and help. Thanks.

Comments(1)

A visit to the therapist

Saturday, December 8, 2007 23:07:23

So today I took my son to see the therapist but on the way there, I ended up in tears thinking about how I feel and about things going on in my life right now. I don't really want to share it all right now but some of it surrounds the difficulty in parenting a special needs kid, along with a teen and a toddler, all alone. Add to that arguing with ones spouse, and sprinkle on depression and you have a big problem. And that's just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak.

Honestly, sometimes I feel like a fly that nobody really notices on the wall until I flit about in their faces, and then they just bat me away and I go sit on the wall again, invisible.

Anyways. As I was driving along, crying, I kept telling myself that I needed to pull it together and focus on my son's needs. His first 22 months of life were so sad and we have seen him grow so much since he came into our lives nearly 3 years ago. He suffers from attachment and abandonment issues, PTSD, and countless other problems. Still, he is one tough cookie.

We started out talking about him and his needs, and then it quickly turned into being about me and how I really am TIRED. I have no thoughts in my head...nada. I have nothing to say, no comments to make, no nothing. People talk to me and I'm just there, listening...and maybe not even that. It's frustrating because my otherwise happy children race up to me babbling on and on about the car they saw and the flowers they picked, and I'm like, "Uh huh. Yeah." No enthusiasm. No nothing.

And I am not sleeping. I am so tired I could just pass out for a week. Yet when I get to bed, my brain won't shut up! Writing it down doesn't help. I just keep replaying things in my head, doubting my abilities, questioning my feelings, and wondering about this and that. I have tried reading, watching tv, and even taking a sleeping pill. Nada. Day before yesterday I got to sleep at 4 AM and was up at 630. Yesterday it was about 1ish before I feel asleep and I was awake by 6.

So we have decided that until I get some rest and some "me" time, I am no good to anyone! Go figure. I just am not sure how I am going to do that but I am determined to try. I know I am a good mother, and I do love my kids and my husband. I just need to find the ME that I have lost so that I can be a good friend to myself.

Hugs and prayers welcome...and needed!

Comments(2)

Isn't it ironic

Saturday, December 8, 2007 23:06:21

Just when I finally start thinking that I can overcome so much in my life, the bottom falls out. Right now I am experiencing a lot of stress in my life with my spouse, my children, and just myself in general. I don't have anything to say really. I am sad, lonely and just feel so misunderstood. And I am tired of feeling this way. And I have no idea what to do...I just want to crawl under a rock and forget about it all. And that's no answer. And it's all I got. Comments(3)

Decisions that bring some peace

Saturday, December 8, 2007 23:00:10

So, yesterday my kids and I went to Burger King and Dairy Queen for dinner. (I know!) And we spent about $30...of which $10 was for me. And I realized that I could have spent the same amount of money on myself for nearly an entire day of food if I was on Jenny Craig Direct. There is something somewhat relaxing in knowing that my food is basically all prepared for me.

See, I am really great at preparing meals for my kids (ok except when we go to BK and stuff) that include all the food groups and the proper portion sizes, etc. But then I don't eat correctly myself. And I really don't want to spend any more time figuring out the hows and whys of that because honestly I just see that as a way to keep from getting down to the business of losing weight and getting healthy. And with all the other stressors in my life right now, not having to make too many decisions about this really seems like a wonderful thing....much like using my iRoomba makes vacuuming so much easier because all I have to do is schedule the cleaning and empty it from time to time. I digress.

So I have talked with Trishkaa a lot about Jenny Craig and I just believe that right now, that is what is going to work best for me. Somehow taking the guesswork out of portion sizes and stuff just makes sense to me right now. Eventually I will learn to love myself enough to eat right and take care of things, but right now this seems the smartest and most effective way to go. And I'm pretty excited. I'm calling Jenny today.

Annnnnnnnnnd, my hubby and I have decided to go to Hawaii for our 10th wedding anniversary in 2010. I spoke with a travel agent today about it. Our plans would be to go on a cruise around the islands. We would arrive in Hawaii a few days prior to the cruise and spend time sightseeing and renewing our vows in a romantic setting just for us. Then seven nights on a cruise around the island, stopping at 4 locations. Then a few more nights in Honolulu before heading home. All in all, we would be gone 12-14 nights. And with God as my witness, I am going to be healthy and ready to go dancing, hanging out on the beach, and doing some of the things that I just never could do at this weight and health--snorkeling, swimming with dolphins, maybe even surfing! Ok probably not surfing, but still. Sure, I could do some of those things now, but I would never feel comfortable doing them so I wouldn't do them.

Oh and I have an appointment with the therapist today. So sounds like this is a great day to start all of my new behaviors. "Go me!"

Comments(4)

An a ha moment

Sunday, December 9, 2007 00:06:23

Well I copied my thoughts from yesterday in an email to my therapist and she responded back with something enlightening to me. In the past 9 months, I have only gone to see her for myself 5 times! I used to go every week or two. I have completely been short changing myself in order to take care of everyone else. I think this has a major impact on my depression rearing its evil head. And so I have made an appt for Wed and will be going minimally every other week to see her. Just me. I will be taking my son to see her weekly or biweekly as well, but these are going to be separate appts so that I actually get some time for just myself.

Raspberry asked if it was possible for my hubby to get a job locally or that allowed him to be home more. He has been driving a semi for this company for a year and this summer we actually bought the truck and have our own little business. Our goal is for him to be home full time within 3-4 years. I just never realized how hard it was going to be, but with purchasing the truck and all, we really are committed. It is probably worse right now because we spent so much time together this summer and so I am missing him BIG TIME. (That being said, the sex we have when he is home is A M A Z I N G. LOL TMI??)

GCQMom mentioned respite care and we do have daycare a couple days a week but I really hate to use it when I don't have anything to do or anywhere to go. When I was going to school, it helped a lot. And giving school up has really affected me big time, but I have one year left and it required me to student teach.....and I just cannot commit to M-F 8-5pm right now. My kids need me home. When they are all in school, then I will finish. And while I am okay with this plan, I do miss the comraderie of my fellow classmates. I tend to be on the shy side and think a book club would be an excellent idea...it would get me out, help me meet new people in a non-threatening situation, and keep my brain from going to mush. So I am checking Borders and Barnes & Noble tomorrow about that. Thanks for the suggestion.

Honestlly, I think if I go to therapy regularly it will help big time...and it will push me to do the other things I need to do--exercise, eat right, and socialize. Gooooo me!

Comments(6)