01/28/2010 07:57
Stress and marital issues
I just wrote a really long post for here and then I hit the wrong key on my laptop and Poof it was gone. So in a nutshell, I have had some major marital problems these past few months. My husband was talking to another woman who he lied about (said the number belonged to this guy friend he'd met, then said he didn't know if the guy had a wife, then when I called the number and found it belonged to a girl, he said it was the guys' gf's phone and he talked to the guy on that) and I found two text messages to her that I felt were inappropriate (one said "hi babe, how are you" and the other said "I can't talk right now, I'll try later. Love you bye.") This discovery came on the heels of him choosing to spend Thanksgiving with a couple he barely knew rather then me and the kids, and him telling me right before Christmas that he wasn't sure if he was in love with me anymore and that he was probably going to file for divorce.
He said he wasn't in love with this lady nor did he find her attractive "like that" but still the fact that he spoke to her during the time we were trying to work things out at Christmas and that he called her babe and said love you to her, and she to him, well it hurt like hell. I cried and begged and just couldn't believe this was happening. I also realized that I had neglected my marriage for a long time, being complacent and thinking he would just be there understanding me while I dealt with all of my teen's BS and the other issues in my life. I was wrong.
I knew that I had definitely done things wrong and failed him as a wife, but not once did I ever cheat on him emotionally or physically. I believe him that nothing physical happened with this woman, I just am having a hard time getting it out of my mind. And when I get upset and really hurt, I tend to lash out at him and throw her in his face. I am not proud of myself for doing this, I just am human and this is a defense mechanism when I am feeling cornered and really hurting. He says it was more like a sister love but really, do you know many guys who call their sisters "babe"??
Today we had another disagreement and he revealed that he wasn't sure how he felt about me still ("I just don't know" he keeps saying) and I told him that I can't keep doing this. I need to know if he has enough love for me to fight for us. If he doesn't, then I told him to cut me loose cuz I can't emotionally handle much more. He eventually said he did want to be with me but I wonder if that was just to shut me up and stop the fighting. I don't know. I love him and have loved him for 15 yrs. I don't want to be without him. I have forgiven his inappropriate behavior with this woman, and he has agreed to not speak with her again. But honestly, I don't want to put in all this effort if at the end of the day he is just going to leave me anyways. Does that make sense? So I end up stressing out and that leads to eating the wrong foods, and then I feel even worse about myself.
This is my second marriage. First husband was abusive and eventually left me for someone else. Now these issues are coming up and I feel completely unworthy and unloveable. It doesn't help matters that we are struggling big time financially and that he wants me to go to work but to do so would just mean making enough to pay the daycare, if I could even find a job. Plus we have a special needs son and I don't want someone else raising him and his sister.
So, I said I would go on the semi with him and drive so we could pick up a few extra runs a month and he said he wasn't sure he wanted me to be on the truck cuz lately we had been arguing again. Couples fight. I'm not perfect and nor is he. To expect us to just not argue ever is dumb. I don't know what to do anymore. I want us together, and would do anything for him, I just wonder if he reciprocates those feelings.
Honestly I'm scared that I am fighting a losing battle. I get so many mixed signals from him and I am not sure how much more of this I can really take. And why can't I be that person who loses weight when she is stressed?? Nooooo I have to be the one who gains. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Anyways, that's it in a very large nutshell.