01/18/2010 18:11
Back again...is anyone out there?
Ok it has been nearly a year since I was last on this website. And so much has happened. The only thing that has not changed is that I am still overweight and still struggling with that. This past year was a very stressful one for me, so honestly I am surprised that I didn't gain more weight. I've stayed pretty much the same.
Let's see...my teen daughter thought she knew so much more than the rest of us that she ran away multiple times, ended up living with her best friend's family who failed to monitor her and she went on a downward spiral which ended up with her trying to commit suicide. We tried to respect her choices but this sent us over the edge. It was incredibly frightening to rush to the hospital, see your child hooked up to all kinds of machines, and have her tell you that she is done and just wants to die, then turn away and not talk again for days. She ended up in the psych ward for a week and we had to practice some very very tough love. She ended up going to Job Corps, of which she promptly went AWOL from and ran off to Nebraska to join her much older lesbian girlfriend. She now lives in a tiny little town with no money, no job, no driver's license and no real contact with the outside world. But she is happy she says. Is it horrible for me to say that I am actually relieved that someone else is taking care of her now???
I had some pretty major marital troubles this past fall as well. I nearly lost my marriage. With all the stresses of the past year, combined with the issues we have had with our daughter since she came to live with us in 1996, I forgot the single most important thing I needed to do (outside of nurturing myself which we all know I have failed to do time and time again.) I forgot to nurture my marriage. And while he did not cheat, he did engage in some inappropriate flirting with a waitress at a truck stop. He admits he was wrong and we have talked so much and worked through so much. I guess I was so caught up in the stress and drama of the teen this past year that I got complacent, and just assumed he was ok.
Honestly I had ignored our marriage a lot since the kids arrived in 2006. I so badly wanted to be a mommy to "normal" kids that when they arrived, my focus went solely to them as they were the only thing keeping me sane. Now I am still holding him responsible for his actions, and he has ended the 'friendship' with this waitress, but just the thought of losing him and what we have worked so hard to have for this long has really knocked the wind out of my sails. I'm angry with him for flirting with this other woman even tho I understand his need to feel desirable and important. I am working on my end and he is working on his. I hope this means we will work things out. We both are committed to it so time will tell.
On a positive note, we finalized the adoption of the two little ones (who are now 5 and 4!!) in May of 2009. That was the single most wonderful thing that happened to me last year. Sad but true. They continue to be the lights of my life and I am recommitting to losing this weight and getting in shape so I can be the mommy I want and need to be for them...and frankly I am tired of being this overweight, out of shape person. I'm sick of looking at myself in the mirror and seeing that fat roll in my lower abs bulging out and not being able to keep up anymore. Heck if I could lose that and that alone, life would be so much better.
So here I am ... recommitting to do this again. 2010 is going to be the year I take care of ME. The year I get off my blood pressure meds and hopefully my anti-depressant and anxiety meds. I want this so badly. I know my biggest issues are stress and lack of motivation so I am here with renewed hope to find someone to help kick me in the butt and keep me going.