04/18/2011 23:14
Back yet again
Hi, I cannot believe it but here I am, almost a year since I posted my last post, and really not much has changed in my life...still have a failing marriage that will be ending in divorce this summer and still overweight. But I haven't given up so I'm back in the saddle again, beginning anew.
I have joined a gym so am designing an exercise program so I can get my butt in shape, among other body parts. I need to get motivated and just DO this! I am planning to take the kids (who are now 5 and 7) to Disneyland in December, and I want to be comfortable and fit on all the rides. So this time...this is it!
Not sure how many of my old friends are around and if anyone will remember me, but I hope to chat with people and just get going on this. Talk soon!!!!
Posted By: Duckyduckydoo
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04/26/2010 03:13
Failing marriage and Vitamin Injection Diet Programs
Sorry I haven't been around lately. I just haven't been able to bring myself to do very much lately. My husband told me a month ago that he was no longer in love with me and he wanted a divorce. No amount of begging, pleading or promising would change his mind. He says I have held him back from doing the things he wants to do in life (including own a Harley) and from just being able to do whatever he wants when he wants. I think he felt that when our oldest graduated high school, I would be free to go on the truck and travel the country with him. And I would love that to a point...but we have two little ones now (4 and 6) so that isn't going to happen any time soon. And even is we were on the truck, it isn't like he and I can just leave them in the truck to go to the local sports bar or whatever.
He agreed to a trial separation but let's be real, I think he only said that to get my off his back and because there isn't anyone else in his life right now. The thing is, I still love this man. Even tho things have been really tough the past 9 months or so, I love him. I don't want a divorce, and I'm just not sure what I am supposed to do. He says I am a wonderful mom, and a wonderful friend...and he loves me as his kids mom and as his friend. He just doesn't love me as a wife. He also says he loves our sex life and would like to continue it so long as it doesnt make me feel like a piece of meat. Part of me thinks how can he say such a thing?? And then part of me thinks that the fact that he still wants to be intimate with me is a good sign that maybe we can work things out. Most of my friends are saying to let him go and to not have sex or help him with anything. He's a big boy and let him see what it is like to do it on his own. And a part of me agrees but then another part thinks this will just push him away more and prove his point that I have let him down.
I don't know what to do. I have read a lot of those "get your ex back" programs online and even thought about trying a few of their techniques, but they just do not apply to our situation since the #1 thing they say to do is cut off all contact with your ex for at least a month. Well we have kids and a business (small trucking company.) So we have to talk daily. So then I thought, well I need to pull myself together for myself and these kids...and being healthy is HUGE. I realized that one of the reasons why I never was as willing to just up and go do fun stuff with my husband was because of my weight. It has held me back SO much. And now because of all this, I am losing not only my husband but my best friend. It hurts so badly. All I want to do is eat donuts, lay in bed and cry. I know I can't do this...I just don't know what to do to find happiness.
I have heard about a local weight loss center called Go Figure Medical Weight Loss Center which is a vitamin injection diet program. Has anyone else heard about them? They seem to have a good success rate and apparently the B-12 injections help increase the metabolism and encourage weight loss. Some reports have stated that they help boost the mood and energy level, even helping with depression which I suffer from. At this point, nothing else seems to be working so I figured I'd pay the $225 for the initial visit (includes EKG, BMI, Weight, Measurements, B-12 injection, appetite suppressant and consultation with medical doctor and weight loss counselor.) After that is it $50/week for the injection, appetite suppressant and counseling.
Has anyone had any success with this type of thing? Or does anyone have any advice at all?
Posted By: Duckyduckydoo
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01/28/2010 07:57
Stress and marital issues
I just wrote a really long post for here and then I hit the wrong key on my laptop and Poof it was gone. So in a nutshell, I have had some major marital problems these past few months. My husband was talking to another woman who he lied about (said the number belonged to this guy friend he'd met, then said he didn't know if the guy had a wife, then when I called the number and found it belonged to a girl, he said it was the guys' gf's phone and he talked to the guy on that) and I found two text messages to her that I felt were inappropriate (one said "hi babe, how are you" and the other said "I can't talk right now, I'll try later. Love you bye.") This discovery came on the heels of him choosing to spend Thanksgiving with a couple he barely knew rather then me and the kids, and him telling me right before Christmas that he wasn't sure if he was in love with me anymore and that he was probably going to file for divorce.
He said he wasn't in love with this lady nor did he find her attractive "like that" but still the fact that he spoke to her during the time we were trying to work things out at Christmas and that he called her babe and said love you to her, and she to him, well it hurt like hell. I cried and begged and just couldn't believe this was happening. I also realized that I had neglected my marriage for a long time, being complacent and thinking he would just be there understanding me while I dealt with all of my teen's BS and the other issues in my life. I was wrong.
I knew that I had definitely done things wrong and failed him as a wife, but not once did I ever cheat on him emotionally or physically. I believe him that nothing physical happened with this woman, I just am having a hard time getting it out of my mind. And when I get upset and really hurt, I tend to lash out at him and throw her in his face. I am not proud of myself for doing this, I just am human and this is a defense mechanism when I am feeling cornered and really hurting. He says it was more like a sister love but really, do you know many guys who call their sisters "babe"??
Today we had another disagreement and he revealed that he wasn't sure how he felt about me still ("I just don't know" he keeps saying) and I told him that I can't keep doing this. I need to know if he has enough love for me to fight for us. If he doesn't, then I told him to cut me loose cuz I can't emotionally handle much more. He eventually said he did want to be with me but I wonder if that was just to shut me up and stop the fighting. I don't know. I love him and have loved him for 15 yrs. I don't want to be without him. I have forgiven his inappropriate behavior with this woman, and he has agreed to not speak with her again. But honestly, I don't want to put in all this effort if at the end of the day he is just going to leave me anyways. Does that make sense? So I end up stressing out and that leads to eating the wrong foods, and then I feel even worse about myself.
This is my second marriage. First husband was abusive and eventually left me for someone else. Now these issues are coming up and I feel completely unworthy and unloveable. It doesn't help matters that we are struggling big time financially and that he wants me to go to work but to do so would just mean making enough to pay the daycare, if I could even find a job. Plus we have a special needs son and I don't want someone else raising him and his sister.
So, I said I would go on the semi with him and drive so we could pick up a few extra runs a month and he said he wasn't sure he wanted me to be on the truck cuz lately we had been arguing again. Couples fight. I'm not perfect and nor is he. To expect us to just not argue ever is dumb. I don't know what to do anymore. I want us together, and would do anything for him, I just wonder if he reciprocates those feelings.
Honestly I'm scared that I am fighting a losing battle. I get so many mixed signals from him and I am not sure how much more of this I can really take. And why can't I be that person who loses weight when she is stressed?? Nooooo I have to be the one who gains. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Anyways, that's it in a very large nutshell.
Posted By: Duckyduckydoo
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01/23/2010 00:22
Gluten free eating, what have you experienced???
Hi all,
So I was reading an article in First magazine about gluten free eating and was amazed at how much many of the symptoms stated for gluten allergies sounded like me. The article listed:
- Abdominal bloating
- Brain fog
- Severe PMS
- Irritable bowels/constipation
- Facial redness
- Thinning hair
- Under eye circles
- Irritability/crankiness
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Headaches
- Exhaustion, especially after eating
- Weight gain
- Chronic sinus congestion
So my question to all of you....have you tried gluten free eating? And if so, what has been your experience? Right now me and the kids are with hubby "on the road" in the semi but when i return home next week, i plan to implement a week of gluten free eating just for me, just to see. So any suggestions you have or stories you want to share would be GREATLY appreciated!!
Wouldn't it be great if this was it? :P
Posted By: Duckyduckydoo
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01/18/2010 18:11
Back again...is anyone out there?
Ok it has been nearly a year since I was last on this website. And so much has happened. The only thing that has not changed is that I am still overweight and still struggling with that. This past year was a very stressful one for me, so honestly I am surprised that I didn't gain more weight. I've stayed pretty much the same.
Let's see...my teen daughter thought she knew so much more than the rest of us that she ran away multiple times, ended up living with her best friend's family who failed to monitor her and she went on a downward spiral which ended up with her trying to commit suicide. We tried to respect her choices but this sent us over the edge. It was incredibly frightening to rush to the hospital, see your child hooked up to all kinds of machines, and have her tell you that she is done and just wants to die, then turn away and not talk again for days. She ended up in the psych ward for a week and we had to practice some very very tough love. She ended up going to Job Corps, of which she promptly went AWOL from and ran off to Nebraska to join her much older lesbian girlfriend. She now lives in a tiny little town with no money, no job, no driver's license and no real contact with the outside world. But she is happy she says. Is it horrible for me to say that I am actually relieved that someone else is taking care of her now???
I had some pretty major marital troubles this past fall as well. I nearly lost my marriage. With all the stresses of the past year, combined with the issues we have had with our daughter since she came to live with us in 1996, I forgot the single most important thing I needed to do (outside of nurturing myself which we all know I have failed to do time and time again.) I forgot to nurture my marriage. And while he did not cheat, he did engage in some inappropriate flirting with a waitress at a truck stop. He admits he was wrong and we have talked so much and worked through so much. I guess I was so caught up in the stress and drama of the teen this past year that I got complacent, and just assumed he was ok.
Honestly I had ignored our marriage a lot since the kids arrived in 2006. I so badly wanted to be a mommy to "normal" kids that when they arrived, my focus went solely to them as they were the only thing keeping me sane. Now I am still holding him responsible for his actions, and he has ended the 'friendship' with this waitress, but just the thought of losing him and what we have worked so hard to have for this long has really knocked the wind out of my sails. I'm angry with him for flirting with this other woman even tho I understand his need to feel desirable and important. I am working on my end and he is working on his. I hope this means we will work things out. We both are committed to it so time will tell.
On a positive note, we finalized the adoption of the two little ones (who are now 5 and 4!!) in May of 2009. That was the single most wonderful thing that happened to me last year. Sad but true. They continue to be the lights of my life and I am recommitting to losing this weight and getting in shape so I can be the mommy I want and need to be for them...and frankly I am tired of being this overweight, out of shape person. I'm sick of looking at myself in the mirror and seeing that fat roll in my lower abs bulging out and not being able to keep up anymore. Heck if I could lose that and that alone, life would be so much better.
So here I am ... recommitting to do this again. 2010 is going to be the year I take care of ME. The year I get off my blood pressure meds and hopefully my anti-depressant and anxiety meds. I want this so badly. I know my biggest issues are stress and lack of motivation so I am here with renewed hope to find someone to help kick me in the butt and keep me going.
Posted By: Duckyduckydoo
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02/18/2009 21:29
Have I been gone that long?
Hi all, I cannot believe that i have been gone since October. It's frightening how fast time flies..and trust me it wasn't due to having any fun. As many of you know, we have had a lot of issues with our teen daughter. She has run away twice since the first part of December. It has been frightenin and maddening and many other emotions I can't even begin to express. And while I should have come here for support, I turned iinsde. And that was not a good plan. But one good thing that came out of her running away is that I lost a few pounds. Yeah yippee.
I switched medication from Prozac to Cymbalta and bottomed out. My anxiexty and stress skyrocketed because the med just wasn't helping. I all but fell comatose. All I did was lay around and barely function. Everything stressed me out and when I went in to take my daughter for an appointment, following a huge argument with my husband, my blood pressure was 193/107!!!!! That scared me to death. After a month of being on the Cymbalta, I knew that something must be done so went back to see the doctor and she put me back on my Prozac plus added Welbutrin. And after only a few weeks, I was amazed at how wonderful I felt. And my bp was back down to 125/90. Still a bit high but way more acceptable. Every day is better. So, I hope to get back on board and catch up with all of your lives. Thanks.
Christi :)
Posted By: Duckyduckydoo
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10/16/2008 14:49
Prayer request AND day two of no prozac
One of my sweet friend's sons overdosed last night and she is a complete and total wreck. He got help within a few hours so the prognosis is good, but she has so many other stressors in her life right now including a yucky divorce, and I feel so helpless. So I am just asking you all to pray for her and her family right now. Give her and her sons the strength to make it through this time and to come out the other end stronger and better for it. Thanks.
Ok as for me: I am on day two of my prozac wash out and it is going okay. I can feel the agitation building inside AND I am still keeping it together with only one little weepy episode earlier. So far, so good right? Baby steps. And geez compared to my friend's problems...well it just seems silly to even think about this ya know?
Posted By: Duckyduckydoo
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10/14/2008 16:57
The whole truth revealed
Hi, so I went to see my doctor today to talk with her about how my depression meds do not seem to be working as well as they once did. I was taking Fluoxetine (generic Prozac) 40mg, up from 20mg when I was originally prescribed them back in 2007. After some talking, some crying, and some reassurance from the doctor, I have agreed to start on Cymbalta to see if this will help me better. I'm a bit scared though because I have to go off the Prozac for a few days to do a "wash out" which essentially means cleaning as much of the med out of my system as I can prior to beginning the Cymbalta. The doctor said to expect some lightheadedness, some increased teariness, and some elevated emotional reactions. Yippee! :( It is only for a few days right?
So, I said in the title of this post that I was going to reveal the whole truth. And here it is in black and white.
Weight: 294 pounds (that is up 9 pounds since I last weighed Sept 5 and 20 pounds since my last physical in early 2007!) OMG I cannot believe that I have gained that much weight! I know it is because I started to lose the weight and then yo-yo'd back plus some.
BP: 146/90 and this is on my blood pressure meds which normally keep my bp down at normal 120/80. She is going to reexamine things in November when I go in for my annual physical.
Motivation: None or very little prior to my appointment, yet increasing every moment since.
I talked with her about my weight concerns. She explained to me how we need good levels of seratonin in our system in order to regulate our moods. Those of us who suffer from depression (a chemical imbalance in the brain) are low on the seratonin. Studies have shown that there are actually certain "comfort foods" which help produce seratonin, which is why we feel better after consuming them--foods like chocolate, carbs, etc. Diets like Atkins and others which promote low or no carbs, actually find people with an increased incidence of depression. They have found that even eating just one small square of chocolate prior to a meal decreases the amount of food a person ate. She told me that for me personally, it really isn't about willpower. It is about my hormones and brain chemicals being all out of whack. And so we have a plan now to get things organized again, which should result in my being able to actually LOSE and keep it off!
For the first time in forever, I feel the hope. More to come as time goes on. :)
Posted By: Duckyduckydoo
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10/09/2008 13:38
My visit to the therapist
Hi, so I went to see the therapist yesterday. I asked her why I wasn't able to do the holdings that need to be done with my son to help him. I feel awful as a parent that I am not giving him what he needs right now. She explained that everyone, even me, needs someone to hold them at times. And with my husband gone most of the month, I don't get that. It is different than when I am holding my children and snuggling. I need someone to hold ME. So she prescribed this: when James is home next, kids go to daycare or a friends for the day while we spend the day in bed...snuggling and whatever. Sounds absolutely delicious to me.
We also realized the medication I take for depression is either not working well anymore or is not in the right dose given my current state of stress. I have all the classic symptoms of depression: irritability, hopelessness, negative self-talk, inability to sleep at night, feeling tired all day, etc. DUH! So I have an appointment on Monday to meet with my doctor to discuss my medication AND to get her feedback and guidance on how best for me to lose weight. I feel good that I have a plan of action for a change.
I also have joined SparkPeople and it is really a wonderful site. People are super supportive there, just like here, and it has a lot of helpful information on all sorts of subjects. I honestly think between here and there, I have a real chance at doing this.
Today I am still sick with the bug my littlest one passed on to me. I have a headache, sore throat, runny nose, and just general malaise. So I took the kids to daycare, am snuggling up in my blanket on the couch, drinking some tea, and hoping to get some zzz's.
Hey, thanks to everyone for their prayers, kind thoughts, and support. It really means a lot to me.
Posted By: Duckyduckydoo
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10/06/2008 13:02
Stop the insanity!
Years ago I remember trying to follow a fitness plan by a woman who titled her book "Stop the Insanity". And while I cannot for the life of me remember who she is or much of what she said, I do remember that one line. STOP THE INSANITY.
As I see it, here's my life: I love my husband. I love my children. I love my extended family. I think that I am a nice gal, loyal and helpful friend, caring and nurturing mom, and devoted wife and daughter. But obviously somewhere inside of me is a negativity which needs to be evaluated and crushed. And these negative voices are driving me bonkers because I have allowed them to rule my life. Somehow I have to find a way to stop the insanity.
Awhile ago I read this quote and it hit home:
How can I love somebody else
If I can't love myself enough to know
When it's time,
Time to let go - Mary J. Blige.
So here is my plan:
See the therapist at least twice per month to discuss the negative voices inside my mind which seem to dictate my eating, exercise, and general motivations.
Be honest with myself and the therapist about what triggers me and really find out what is so loveable about myself.
Use my AB Lounge 4x per week minimum.
Plan meals and shopping list once per week to minimize straying AND to save money for my vacation.
Blog a minimum of 4x per week to keep myself honest and motivated.
****For those who asked, no I didn't call Jenny yet although I really want to do that and am still planning on it. I just haven't had the extra cash...and when we did get some extra money, we went ahead and booked the anniversary cruise in Hawaii for 2010. Yahoo! Now, we aren't actually going on our anniversary (July 1) because it was better for us to go in August, but it is still for our anniversary and we will renew our vows in Hawaii. And that alone is reason enough to get off my butt and get healthy...right? Just know, this is not the motivation for me. It is more like the reward.
Posted By: Duckyduckydoo
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