After getting sidetracked once again, I am back... hopefully for the long-haul! I had a conversation with a really good friend last night about how my "inner self" doesn't match my "outer self". It was really good to finally be open about my insecurities... It felt like such a release of pressure I was putting on myself. So, here I am, about to bare my soul to you...
I feel like I have a beautiful, fit woman inside of me that's being suffocated by my 310lb girth. I feel like each time I look in the mirror my inner-self is ashamed of what I have hidden her behind. I feel like I can do anything and succeed at anything on the inseide, yet I lack so much confidence right now. I like being naked, there's so much freedom in it, yet I can't stand being naked because I'm so pissed at what I've let myself become. I image learning to surf, playing with my puppy on the beach, and ultimately not hiding when the camera comes out... I'm tired out feeling like my insides don't match my outside. I wish the weight would come off as quickly as possible because there's nothing I want more than to be proud of how I look- not just who I am on the inside. I know that it's the "inside that counts", but for once I want to be able to walk down the street and not care what people say or how they look at me bc of my weight. I want to not hide behind loose jeans and oversized shirts... I just want to live with no more fears or regrets when it comes to living to the fullest.
So, the past few days I hae slipped up and not gotten my workout in... the result is that I've gained 2 lbs back. So, that was my wake-up call today, and I'm back. My goal (though some might think isn't realistic) is to be under 300 by the end of next week. I'm really set on reaching that, and even though there's an extra 2 lbs looming, I know I can do it...
I've lost over 7 lbs since starting hip hop abs. I like the workouts and I sweat like crazy. I can feel each muscle work as I target them... It's pretty nice. I actually feel like I'm training for basketball again! I don't expect this trend of extreme pounds loss to continue, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts.
I calculated my lean body mass to see what would be a reasonable amount to lose, and it contradicts what my doctors have always said. My doctors say that for my height I should weigh around 180-190 at most. Well, after calculating my lean body mass right now, it is 182lbs. Which means if I weighed 190 at most I would have too low of a body fat %...
So, that leaves me with a choice to make: I can either lose lots of fat, muscle, and water to appease what my doctors say, or I can try to get 17-20% body fat and weigh above 200lbs (around 220)... I figure I don't really care as long as I have a flatter stomach and I can wear 34-36 size pant and a M-L shirt and I can wear a 2 piece for the first time since I was 6. Well, I'm off to work out and get dinner for the next 3 days ready (Ive found it's easier to eat healthy food if I prepare it in advance). At some point I'm going to put up the recipes that I use. These are some recipes that my stepdad used to help him lose weight-- He lost around 80 lbs and went from a size 44 to 32 in 7 months.
Today has been an up-and-down day. I know everyone goes through times in their life when they have ups and downs, but I took online quizzes today to see if I had bipolar disorder. Yeah, I don't go through extremes. I guess today was just a bad day. Kinda. I graduated from Grad School today. I dealt with the realization that I still don't have a job. I'm having doubts about the relationship I'm in. See... so much to think about.
What I realized today is that I am an emotional eater. I started to over-eat this morning after I worked out. I even went so far as trying to figure out a way to justify it. I stopped myself. It was such a battle. My apartment is full of temptations. If I lived alone it would be easier to keep these things out of reach and have less temptations, but my roommate loves sweets, thus I can find them all the time. Anyway, I got through 1 battle today, and now I'm battling another. I'm hungry, but it's almost midnight and I don't want to go to bed on a full stomach. So, I'm off to drink some water and/ or Crystal Light then go to bed.
I hope to weigh in tomorrow with less weight to log and more hope for the day.
Today. Today is a brand new day. I don't know the exact amount of times I've started and stopped and exercise and diet routine, but today is a brand new day. Today I start a new journey. Today I am open about my weight. Today I stop hiding in shame. Today is my day to begin walkign the road of change.
For anyone who reads this, please comment with suggestions or tips or whatever you want. I am here for you as much as I'm here for myself. My goal is to show people that it can be done. Nothing is too hard. Heck, I'm here to show myself that, too.
My background: I've been overweight since 3rd grade. I remember being teased about my height and weight (I've always been off doctors growth charts in height from birth). I was pretty active in high school (played 4 sports) so my weight was managable, but when I stopped participating in sports my weight did not stay the same. In fact, I stopped my activity but kept eating as if I was still very active. Needless to say the trend continued through college. Today I graduate and I'm topping the scales at 315 lbs. It's the most weight I've ever been.
I've tried drastically cutting calories. I've tried skipping meals. I've tried just having protein. I've tried Atkins. I've tried South Beach. I never finished reading "You on a Diet". This unhealthy trend of deprivation has o nly led to more weight gain and lowered self-confidence. I'm tired of hating myself because of the way I look. I'm tired of being self-conscientous around thinner people. I'm tired of feeling like everybody that looks at me thinks I'm disgusting and lazy- bc that's how I view myself. I'm tired of being tired and out of breath. I'm only 23 for goodness sake! 23.... I'm tired of thinking about change. I'm ready to make it....
Check back every now and then. I hope to post on here regularly. Hopefully we can be inspired together.
