07/18/2011 00:48
thinking about the Lapband.....
I have thought long and hard about my life and how my life is right now. Mainly, the quality of my life. It just is not what it should be. I cannot keep up with my kids, just plain and simple. I was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea. Do you know what a pain it is to sleep with a mask on your face and tubes linking you to your night stand? I hurt or ache or am just plain uncomfortable all day. I am in pain after doing all of the laundry. I did not sign up for this.
Anyway, I have been obese for ten years now. I had had my rollercoaster weightloss for too long. The CLOSEST I have come to being just plain overweight is 218. Then my body started to break down with the workouts I was pulling. That was the only way I could get results. If I choose this, I am going back to my old journaling on here to help get through it all. It will not be a quick fix. It will not be an instant 'skinny' pill. It is a simple tool to help me get back to me before 'Obesity' kills me.
05/07/2010 02:39
Keep getting run off track. PERSONAL UPDATE
I am back to where I started when I moved here weight and fitness wise. (Duh, when you weight over 250 pounds, you can't do 5k workouts anymore) It has caused inflamation in my hips, making my life a painful hell. My doctor put me on a 7 day agressive anti-inflamatory med pack and it has relieved a lot of the pain. I still have discomfort but not staight up PAIN.
We have also adressed another pain I have been dealing with for a while. Cystic acne. I am on an antibiotic, a benzyol peroxide wash and retninA. (I can't spell today so bare with me) I only have one painful spot on my nose and a spot on my chin right now but TOM is coming soon.
My final barrier was my work hours. I dropped down to one baby in my daycare who has hours I can work with and am not exhausted at the end of the day. My stress level for work has dropped a million levels! I need the money but I think right now I need to put my body's needs in front of that for the moment.
I worked out today. I did 30 minutes on the treadmill with grade intervals and 5 minutes on the bike. The one thing I really noticed on the treadmill was my reflection. It just is not me in the mirror. I see a small head on this huge body with fat jiggling around with every step I took....that fat right above me knees. I kept thinking GROSS!!! I said that I would never go back to that weight and I let it creep on up. We are moving back to our house in SC and I don't want to look like what I did when we left.
The final thought of this post is the reason I gained my weight back when my dh came home from deployment. Yes, he is an enabler. He used to enable his dad as a kid so it is engrained in him to do so. That is something we can work on. The biggest thing was that I could relax when he got home. I didn't have to be mom, dad, taxi, teacher, caregiver, housekeeper, accountant, etc all by myself. I could just let loose and be able to breathe. I just relaxed too much. Getting myself back into that mindset is going to be hard but I refuse to let up. I have continued to come back here, hoping I can find IT again. That motivation and drive that I had when I lost the 40 pounds that I now carry again. That is pretty much my 6 year old stuck onto my body. The fat is more annoying that she is, which is pretty hard to beat!
All joking aside, I think I need to buckle down again. I still need new shoes but I am willing to gut it out. Seeing myself in that workout mirror was a big wakeup call. I want that engrained into my head.......
02/22/2010 22:49
LIfe in perspective after a death on my dh's ship.
A friend was killed on the ship on Friday. It was a devestating blow to my dh. It was someone he has worked with for awhile now, since being here in San Diego. He was one of the first to respond to the medical emergency. This is the first death we have had during our almost 15 years in.
The what ifs have been plaguing me. What if it was my husband? The man that died had left a wife and two year old daughter behind. I have five to care for, including a little boy the same age as their child. It could so easily have been so many different men doing routine maintenance.
Life is too short to be unhappy about weight. I have been just down about not being able to lose for so long, epecially after a forty pound loss year before last. How long does it have to be this way before I wake up and realize that we don't have forever. We just don't. We do have the now. Now to change, to make our lives into what we want. It may be uncomfortable and tiring now but if I stick with it like I did two years ago, I can do it again! I have to stick with it and not waiver from the lifestyle change.
Well, back to work. Naptime is nearly up for my daycare children. Hug your significant other tonight and pray for the family of our fellow sailor.
02/19/2010 00:38
NO TIME!!!!
With working ten to twelve hours a day, I have NO TIME to work out. I am exausted at the end of the day and don't have the energy to do anything. I really don't know how working people do it! I am sure that I will figure it out eventually but for now, it sucks! I take the kids to the park in the morning and I am literally right next to our gym! It KILLS me that it is right there and I can't use it. Ah, but I know the day will come when I will get to start using it. I am not going to do this forever either. Once the summer hits, I am SO THERE!!
I have been maintaining my weight at least. I have not gained. What I wouldn't do to LOSE though. Apparently not enough because I haven't done anything yet.........
02/03/2010 17:51
Working again has been very interesting!
Well, working again has really been hard. It always is when you just get back into it. I have worked twice since being married and they were both short term. Almost FIFTEEN YEARS as a stay at home. Oh, I guess I nannied for two summers during that time.
Anyway, I was absolutely wiped every night after working ten to twelve hours. I plan on hitting the gym 3 to 4 times a week. Last week, I barely had enough energy to shower the baby smell off of me and get my cleaning under regulations. (there are a lot of rules along with being a Navy provider) I haven't even been able to use my computer hence the empty time inbetween.
Goals in mind, I want to start up this weekend or next week, depending on my weekend to do list. Sleep, shopping, cleaning and some more sleep. 
I would still like to lose twenty by July 4th. It is a big goal but working keeps me from snacking all day. I plan healthy USDA meals all day so we have plenty of fruits and veggies to eat. They had fish sticks yesterday, I had salmon. The eating is good, now I just have to get my workouts in. Running after my 2 yr old ds, my 12 month old daycare child and managing a 6 week old have been a workout in its own.
Now that TOM has come, I have already lost some swelling and water weight. Now I just need to get over the hump and get my weightloss started again. I want to swim this summer and HAVE to get into the 220s or at least lower 230s to feel comfortable in my swimsuit. Oh, and I plan on using that pool when I get a chance!!!
01/13/2010 00:25
Great workout last night
We went to our gym last night and had a great workout. I got about 1.8 miles in on the treadmill and 1.5 on the bike. The ceiling fans were off so I got up a great sweat. EWWW, I know but it felt cleansing. I really needed it. The one thing that kills me is the windows overlook the pool and it looks so inviting. It is half tempting to open the window and sneak into the pool! Not really because it gets down in the lower 60's at night and the pool is now where near warm.
I going to keep on keepin' on!
