I had a better day today, emotionally. I like days like this. I watched The New Adventures of Old Christine last night. Does anybody watch that? I like the show. So, she could have been me last night. It hit too close to home! Her boyfriend broke up with her and she took it really hard. At one point she explained that she had calculated how long it should take her to be over him and came up with 7 days. So the 7th day she got herself dressed and prettied up and took her son to a birthday party at a rock wall climbing place. She decides to climb the wall and then has a breakdown when she's almost to the top. She realized that nobody cared whether she made it to the top or not! When her brother came to rescue her, he consoled her with some wise words. "You'll get over it when you get over it." There's no formula. There's no time limit. Leave it to me to learn a profound "life lesson" from a sit com! It was funny because she tried to be so strong and then she just fell apart. That happens to me all the time.
I ate crappy today. We made a Sonic run at lunchtime and I caved and had a BLT and mozzarella sticks. Then we had a baby shower after school and I ate more crap. Stupid. I made myself do Cathe's Imax 2 this evening. I gave it all I had and it was a great workout but I shouldn't have eaten so much junk today. I really need to reign it in if I want to see some results.
My friend M sprained her ankle. She was walking around on crutches today. Poor girl. So, I don't have a bike riding/hiking buddy for a while. Bummer.
The scale said 191 this morning. That's down a pound from last week but still up from 190 a couple of weeks ago. Oh well. I posted it.
Thing is, I DO want to see lower numbers but the scale is not ruling me anymore. I took measurements on Saturday and I'm down a bit here and there from January. I've only lost 5 pounds since then, but it doesn't bother me. This thing is slow going but I don't feel discouraged at this point. My eating well and workouts are my lifeline right now, well, that and prayer of course.
I had a pretty low key weekend. No bike riding . It would have been a perfect day to go on Saturday but M and I both had other obligations and then yesterday the wind was just UGLY. So I read instead. I read Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah. I really enjoyed it. Lately I've been reading a lot of stuff by Christian authors, you know, trying to get a good grip on my life. But this was just a fun novel to sort of get lost in. I hadn't read a book from start to finish like that in a long time. It was nice.
I'm feeling kinda BLAH tonight. I'm so tired of feeling so unhappy. I tried to read up on everyone, just didn't have much time to comment. I love you all and hope everyone has a really good week.
My weight was back up to 192 yesterday. Stupid scale. I had a really great diet/exercise week and that's how it repays me! Needless to say, I didn't post the weight. I was too mad! ha ha
I got my bike! M and I went to the bike shop on Saturday and "test drove" a couple. I fell in love with one and bought it! I probably should have shopped around but I hate doing that. If I like something and can afford it, I just get it. So, that's what I did. So then we went on a quick ride Saturday afternoon. Then on Sunday we rode for about 2 hours! I LOVED it! I had to laugh because she is this beautiful, tall, thin woman who appears to be in great shape. Then there's me: nearly 200 pounds. Well, I outrode her! She kept telling me what good shape I was in and that just floored me. The next day she told me how sore she was and I wasn't. Not at all. Way cool. We'll probably go again this weekend.
I feel good about where I am healthwise. I know I am doing good things for myself. I feel strong and I have lots of energy. I was just posting on a friend's blog how sometimes I feel that I should be much further along than I am. I started this blog last April I think and I've only lost 30-some pounds. Still, I am proud of what I've accomplished. I am thankful for the ability I have had to do what I've done so far. I pray that God will continue to give me the mental and physical strength to keep pressing on.
Emotionally, I still have some really low moments. I miss J so much every single day. I know I keep saying that. I know it should be old news by now. I know I should probably be dealing with this differently, better somehow, but it's what I'm going through and I don't know how to change that. I cry about it almost every day. Sometimes it's just a few tears, sometimes it's more. The more time passes, the more convinced I am about how very much I loved/still love him. I should have told him when I had the chance.
I'm a little wary of confessing this, but here it goes: I think the depression is actually lifting! Praise God!
I spent the day cooped up alone on Monday and I cried until I just couldn't cry anymore. I've spent a lot of time praying and thinking and of course, crying, and it's all been just exhausting! By Monday night I just thought,"My goodness! I am sooooo sick of myself!"
When M came by my classroom yesterday to ask how I was doing, that's exactly what I told her, "I am soooo sick of myself!" We talked for a bit and she just has this knack for lifting my spirits. We had talked before about biking and I kind of laughed it off because I haven't ridden a bike since, oh, what? Jr. High?! But I'm seriously considering buying a bike and our talk yesterday really got me excited about the possibilities of just getting into something new and having new goals for myself.
I think that's just what I needed.
Needless to say, I love my new friend. She is just awesome! She is a single mom of two young boys. The oldest (he's 4) has Down Syndrome. I was over at her house Saturday night and he crawled into the chair with me and fell asleep. I tell you, I have NEVER had such a HUGE case of the warm fuzzies! I fell in love with that little boy right there and then! I thought, "How did he know I needed that?!"
My Cathe calendar looks pretty pathetic this month, but I've worked out for three days in a row now and that feels good. Eating's been back on track. Good too.
So, I can't say that I don't hurt anymore, but I think I'm just learning to accept that it is what it is and I need to let it go and expect God's best, whatever that may be.
I keep wanting to come on here and blog about how much better I am feeling and how things are just wonderful.
As far as J, things are the same. I haven't heard anything from him. Nada. I still think about everything with him every moment of every day. You know, when you break up with someone and step back you get a little perspective and you can see all the ways in which you were wrong for each other? I'm just not seeing it. I think that's why it's been so hard. I don't see why we were wrong for each other. I don't think we were. Yesterday was only three weeks. It seems like so much longer. I miss him so much.
So, I almost didn't weigh today because I thought it was going to be bad. I hadn't worked out all week until Saturday. Then I "rested" yesterday. From what? I don't know, but I did. Anyway, I am down to 190! I probably lost some muscle or something. But it was nice to see the lower number. Almost into the 180s! Unbelievable! So, I'm still encouraged to keep going on this journey.
I know that God is good. I know He has blessed me with some really wonderful friends who have been so helpful through this whole thing. Why isn't it getting any easier, though? Seriously, I am so ready to be "over it," but I just can't seem to be. I have so many things to be grateful for, so many things good in my life, but this one thing just overshadows everything and I can't seem to get out from under this broken heart.
Yeah, it's been a lousy week. I have really blown it. I haven't exercised since Sunday. My eating has been crap. Ugh! I thought I would do better than this.
It's been hectic because I've been trying to get in all of my parent-teacher conferences so that I can take Friday off and have a FOUR DAY WEEKEND!! So, my schedule has been crazy. Then Valentine's Day has sent me running around for things for my students and friends at work. It's just been a nutty week and I haven't given a lick of concern to my well-being! Friday will see me back on track though.
I hate living so out of control. And then my emotions are so unstable. Someone just has to ask how I am and I lose it! God help me! That prayer is on my lips continually these days. God help me!
Ugh, what a crappy post. Sorry. And sorry about the over-use of the word "crap." Yikes!
"When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure." - Peter Marshall (never heard of him, but that quote came in handy for me today!) It was on my calendar that a coworker gave me for Christmas.
I somehow managed to be down a half a pound this morning. I'm happy about that. I'm so anxious to be on the tail-end of this week! Hope everyone is having a fantastic Monday!
I know this is getting old - me whining about how much I hurt. I'm sorry, i really am. It's getting old for me too. I want to be over this. Yesterday was J's birthday. I debated with myself over recognizing it at all and finally gave in and sent him a very simple ecard wishing him a nice day. He picked up the card but never responded. I didn't send it with the intention of getting a response, I just don't know how to stop caring. A "Hey, thanks" would have been nice.
I was on my way to church this morning and said a little prayer that I would not see him or any of his family. As I was driving around towards a parking space I spotted his older sister and his nephew. They looked right at me, so I waved. Then, wouldn't you know it? The first available space was right next to his sister's truck! I got out and his nephew ran to me and hugged me, then his daughter came up and said hi. I hugged her too. It just pierced my heart. I told them all it was nice to see them and they said the same. I didn't ask about him at all. I didn't want to hear, "Oh, he's just great!"
The service was really good and I was glad I went. I am trying my best to give this all over to God. How do I stop thinking about everything though? It just occupies my every thought and I'm really tired of it!
Yesterday was really hard. My friend came over last night to keep me company. She had called earlier to see how I was doing and I told her the truth. We sat and just talked and talked and it was really nice. She brought a movie but we never even watched it 'cause we couldn't shut up! ha ha It was nice. I told her that I just thanked God for her. I really do.
I've been keeping up with my workouts. They really help. Once I get going and those endorphins kick in, I feel so much better. Ms. betty asked how I would have handled all of this before. Funny I was just thinking that same thing. If he would have done this to me back before I was feeling better about myself, who knows what kind of downward spiral I would fallen into. I had a few bad eating days last week, but I recognized what I was doing and got things back in check. Back then, who knows. It could have gotten really ugly. So, praise God for that! I know He knows what he is doing and I really am encouraged in the fact that I know He has everything figured out for me even though my head keeps spinning with what ifs and whys.
I still really appreciate you all checking in on me and encouraging me. I know this will pass, but in the meantime it sure is uplifting to have such special friends. I love you guys!
I've had a couple of really bad eating days. I know I am eating for comfort. It's all emotional. I recognize that. I know I am in self-destruct mode and I am fighting to get out of it before I do some real damage.
J's birthday is on Saturday, then, of course V-day is a week away. Last year, both of these days turned out to be really awesome ones. I don't know, I guess it's really sinking in that this happened and he's not around anymore and it hurts like hell. I know I need to start acting on what I KNOW rather than on what I FEEL. But it's really been a battle here lately.
I'm going to go try to work out. Maybe that will help. Hope you all are doing great!
I weighed in the same as last week : 192.5. It was a little disappointing because my eating was really on track last week and I worked out HARD - it kept my mind off things. But after weighing-in this morning I realized that the number just didn't bother me very much. I was proud that I had continued to treat my body well even though I was dealing with some tough stuff. The number will catch up eventually.
I have made an awesome friend at work. Turns out, we grew up in nearby towns and even graduated the same year. She's taught in AZ, TX, NM, and this year she came to my school. I have really been blessed by her and this new bond we are developing. She and I went to the movies on Friday. We saw 27 Dresses. What a good movie! And then yesterday we went on a hike. I am really enjoying this new friendship. It's really helped a lot.
No word from J. I guess I keep hoping that he'll realize that he's made a huge mistake. It's not happening. It's only been a week but it feels like sooooooo much longer! I need to let go and I know that. I've been trying to really look at myself and figure out what I do in relationships that is so wrong. Friends and family kindly say, "It's not you. You're great. Blah, blah, blah." And that's sweet and all, but I can't help but do some really serious evaluating, because I AM the common factor in my failed relationships. I just don't get this one though. I thought I had learned so much from my mess of a marriage. I thought I was doing everything right. For the most part anyway.
The weather is soooo ugly here today. Windy and dusty. I hate the wind. I can handle hot and cold, but the wind just makes me grumpy! I'm about to do Cathe's Drill Max. The last time I did it was when my DVD player died so I'm hoping to get it done all the way through this time. I DID figure out the new DVD player finally!
That's down a pound from last week but still up from 190 a couple of weeks ago. Oh well. I posted it.
. It would have been a perfect day to go on Saturday but M and I both had other obligations and then yesterday the wind was just UGLY. So I read instead. I read Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah. I really enjoyed it. Lately I've been reading a lot of stuff by Christian authors, you know, trying to get a good grip on my life. But this was just a fun novel to sort of get lost in. I hadn't read a book from start to finish like that in a long time. It was nice.
