I really need to ask myself this more. I'm sitting here thinking: What the heck just happened?
Background: I've been struggling trying to get back with the program here. My performance has been way less than stellar, with eating especially. I found some new determination on Sunday. Weighed in, tracked POINTS, worked out. Yesterday was another great on program day. Tracked POINTS, got in all of my water & other requirements, worked out HARD to Cathe's Drill Max - so tough! It was great!
Today I did awesome again. Ate well, avoided the Sonic lure at lunchtime. But then I went to Wal Mart after work to pick up a few things...I left having spent more than I had meant to. I have other things going on this week that I need money for and now I'm kinda strapped. It stressed me out. I came home and just started eating mindlessly. Now I'm wondering why I fell and did what I did. What purpose did it serve? How did it help anything? UUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! What the flippity flip is my problem??!!! Where is my focus?! This is just ridiculous.
I know I have it in me somewhere to beat this bad behavior. I'm just really frustrated with myself. I need a new plan of action. What I'm doing is just not working for me.
I decided to go ahead and weigh today and posted my weight. 194. But as I was looking back at my weight tracker, I realized it had already been almost a month since I'd last weighed. Avoiding the scale was not going to help me get back on track. I needed to face it and get on with it.
I think Gellis was right about end-of-the-year stuff getting to me. I'm stressed. Things with J are now suffering for it. He's been really great, I'm the one with the issue right now.
I won't get into it. But what I do know is that I can get a handle on this eating thing. So that's what I'm going to try to do.
There's just no other way to put it. I've had a crappy eating week. Workouts, well, I've done 3 this week. And they've been pretty good ones, but I'm still disappointed in myself.
I thought I was ready to really hit this thing hard.
There's just a lot of "stuff" going on in my life right now that I don't know how to handle well. I've been doing a lot of things halfheartedly rather than doing any one thing fully commitedly. Know what I mean? I just feel all out of sorts and I need to figure out how to get everything back in the right place. I'm not handling my life well right now. It's not just diet, it's work, relationships, family. EVERYTHING! I can't really put my finger on what the problem is though. It all just seems outta whack!
I feel like I'm rambling. I guess I hoped that blogging would help clear some things up for me, but I've just become more frazzled. Yikes!
That's how I did today. I stayed within POINTS, got in all of my water, fruit/veggies, etc. I done good! I even did Cathe's Body Max 2 - 90-some minutes of magnificent torture! I wasn't feeling very strong when it came to the weights segments, but I guess I should expect that after going so long without a weight workout.
So, it was back to work, back to counting POINTS, back to working out today. As much as I love time off, I really have to admit that i do so much better when I have a set routine!
So, I started counting my POINTS again today. I didn't get all of my "requirements" in. Not enough water, missed my fruit/veggie servings by 1. BUT I stayed within my POINTS and that's a big deal to me since I hadn't done it in a while! I made a nice healthy dinner that J came over and shared with me, so it was a good day! I didn't work out today. We stayed out late last night - went to see a late showing of the movie 21. (Cool movie, by the way!) I was too lazy to get up this morning! I made it just in time for church. But Sundays are usually my days off from exercise anyway. I'll get back to Cathe tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that.
So, Spring Break is over. It's back to work tomorrow. But it'll all be over in a couple of months. How fast! Hope everyone has an awesome Monday.
Really, I meant to post about "spinning my wheels" in my last post...I seem to have gone off on a tangent.
The thing I was trying to say is that I seem to have made no progress on the weight loss front since the beginning of the year. Now, a quarter of the year is gone and I feel like I've wasted it. I need to get serious!
I've been so wishy washy with my eating and workouts. One week strong, one week off. One day determined, the next, "I'll try harder tomorrow"-type mentality. It needs to stop or I'm going to keep going around in circles. I've probably gained about 5 pounds since my last weigh-in! And I only have myself to blame. I haven't been tracking my POINTS for about 3 weeks now. And to be completely honest, it hasn't been all that fun. I miss being on track!
So, my plan is to just get with it. My POINTS tracker resets every Sunday so I plan to start tracking again then. But that doesn't mean I'm giving myself two more "free days." I need to get to the grocery store today to stock up on fruit and veggies.
Weighing. I've gone back and forth with myself about this. The scale is my tormentor. I could have a really ON week and the scale just refuses to reflect my effort. I could blow it completely and the silly scale will show a nice loss. It messes with my head!!!
So, I was thinking of not weighing for a month. A MONTH! I wonder if I could really hold out that long? But that way, I don't have that dreadful number just hanging over me and I can just focus on my eating and workouts. Also, I can keep my weight posted as "189.5" and won't have to update with a weight back in the 190s!! ha ha...
So, I just made it back home from Arizona. It was a good trip. My new baby niece arrived late Tuesday night and she is just beautiful! (Yes, I am biased!!) It's just amazing how much I love this little creature who just appeared into our lives!! It was really hard coming back home this time... As I drove out of my hometown today I just kept wondering why I have moved myself this far away from all of the people I love the most in this world. My oldest nephew is now almost as tall as I am. His voice has changed and this little boy who has been so precious to me for so long is now a young man. (Does this sound just ridiculous?!) I don't know...it just seems to me that the years are flying by and I'm never going to get the chance to go back and get a "do-over." As soon as I get back there, the first thing everyone asks is, "How long are you going to stay?" And NO, it's not 'cause they're anxious to get rid of me (I HOPE! ha!) But when I'm there it's like our family is complete. Except that, on my end, I'm missing J...
Which brings me to tonight. I called him when I got back into town and he came over. I missed him lots and he said he missed me too. It seems that every time I leave town I get back to a more, hmmm...., how should I say, sentimental, maybe? J. Now J is a complete and total GUY. I mean, he's rough around the edges, never show weakness, big tough GRRRR kinda guy. I LOVE that! But when I leave and come back after a while, he just seems to get mushy! And I LOVE that too.
So, tonight we were talking about the new baby and he asked if it made me think of anything...I laughed and said NO. Now, I don't know if I've ever blogged about this, but I don't see myself being a mom. I love kids. I work with kids. My nephews and now niece are the joys of my life, but having any of my own has just never been a strong desire of mine. J knows this. I've told him this. I figured he was over the kid having thing since he's already got three grown girls.
Well, tonight he told me that he really wants a son. He's jokingly made comments before like, "We could name our son _____." or, "When I have a boy..." But I always thought he was just being silly. Now, I realize that he was probably just feeling out my reaction.
Anyway, I didn't know what to say. All I could come up with was, "You know, there's no guarantee it would be a boy." And he said, "Well, that's true." And that was that. But now I know he's serious, and I don't know how I feel about that.
So I ate. After he left I just kept eating and I know it was because I didn't know how to deal with those feelings. The thought of having a child terrifies me. Really. But yet, I'm not completely opposed to the idea. I know J is a good dad...Ugh. I don't know, this is serious business and I just don't know how to figure it all out.
Before all of this, I did something super awesome while I was back home. There's this park near our house that I walked to on Monday. Once around the entire park is a mile. I thought I'd go and just walk it. Guess what?! I JOGGED around it THREE times! That's THREE miles! NONSTOP! It was great! The next day I woke up kinda sore but I said, "Heck! I'm, trying that again!" Well, the next day I only made it around jogging twice but then I walked/sprinted 2 more times around! I felt really good about it. Until I couldn't walk for the next two days! I was soooooo sore!
So, my eating's been crappy but I will get back on track. I'm going to stop here because I'm afraid this is getting too long...
I am thankful that Spring Break is here. But I am sooo dog tired.
I have eaten anything and EVERYTHING these last couple of weeks and I feel just plain miserable. I DID manage to work out yesterday and it was a good one, but tonight I did nothing but stuff my face. I hate this.
I'm heading to Arizona tomorrow. Hoping my new baby niece will be born while I'm there. Also hoping that I'll get some much needed rest and reframe this mindset I am in.
J's been sick so I haven't heard a lot from him this week and I doubt I'll see him before I go, so that's a bummer. Good thing about spending six heartwrenching weeks apart from each other - it's proof that it won't kill me!
Apart from this sorry post, I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Easter! As a Christian, the significance of this holiday is major to me and I'm ever so grateful for the sacrifice God gave for me and ALL of us! It's a whole lot to celebrate and all the more reason to get out of this funk I'm in.
Yep, that about sums it up. That's how I've been doing recently. My eating's been way out of control.
I laughed when I read Glory's (my link thingie didn't work, sorry, or I've forgotten how to do it!) post today because she said she wasn't going to weigh in because she was afraid of what the scale might say. Same here!
I was sooooo excited to be in the 180s. I was determined to stay there, even by a smidge! But then TOM was approaching, and I had chocolate in the house...you can figure out the rest.
Besides the chocolate, my eating has just been bad. I start off counting my POINTS early in the day but then I give in to stupid cravings and let it all fall by the wayside. This is not good. These are the patterns of behavior that led to where I was when I started this whole thing. i don't want to go back there!
My Cathe calendar doesn't look too shabby though. But I didn't get a sticker today and I won't get one tomorrow. We're throwing a wedding shower for a co-worker so we went out shopping for decorations and stuff today then we're getting together tomorrow to assemble her money tree. I hope I can get to work out on Wednesday.
I was posting on gettinfit's blog about how I thought that my poor food choices were attributed to my just being bored of the same old foods I was eating. I tried a couple of new recipes last week and they were both really yummy, but really, I don't have the time to be browsing cookbooks and then making shopping lists, going to the store, making the recipe...it all takes TIME!!! Ugh! I know you Moms are probably rolling your eyes wondering what the heck is wrong with me...you work, plan meals FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY, take care of the entire household and STILL manage to get your workouts in. I don't know why I'm having a hard time with it lately. I just am.
Anyway, that's where I am with that. I wish I had a more positive report, but I just don't right now.
As for J and I, well, I just couldn't be happier. I love him soooo much and things are going really well. We went to a family thing yesterday and I got to see everyone again. His sister just hugged me and said she was happy that we'd worked things out. That was nice to hear! So, it's good. Thank God for that!
Work is nutty crazy. Spring Break starts Friday and the kids and the teachers are all just itchin' for it to get here! THREE MORE DAYS! Which means I only have TWO more to get report cards done....ay, ay, ay!!!
That about sums up the last few days for me. You'll never guess what happened!
I got an email from J on Saturday. He apologized. Said he missed me. Asked if I'd forgive him.
I was beside myself. I just cried.
Maybe I should say that I was strong and said "No Way, Buster, you had your chance!" But the truth is that I had wanted that sooooooo badly. I wrote back and said I did forgive him.
So, he came over on Sunday and again apologized and we talked and it felt so right to just be in his arms again. I think I did the right thing by just leaving him alone and letting him come to the conclusion on his own. Maybe now he'll appreciate me more!
Still, I am ever so grateful for all of your thoughts and prayers. It was rough going for a while but I knew God had a good plan.
As for my weight, I'm in the 180s!!!!! Woo Hooo! 189.5 yesterday morning. Unfortunately, I don't think it'll last. I had a really bad eating week last week even though I kept up with my workouts, so it may show up on the scale next week.
I'm trying to keep up with reading everyone's blogs but have only been able to comment here and there. I still love you all so much!
UUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! What the flippity flip is my problem??!!! Where is my focus?! This is just ridiculous.
I even did Cathe's Body Max 2 - 90-some minutes of magnificent torture! I wasn't feeling very strong when it came to the weights segments, but I guess I should expect that after going so long without a weight workout.
I didn't work out today. We stayed out late last night - went to see a late showing of the movie 21. (Cool movie, by the way!) I was too lazy to get up this morning! I made it just in time for church. But Sundays are usually my days off from exercise anyway. I'll get back to Cathe tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that.
I haven't been tracking my POINTS for about 3 weeks now. And to be completely honest, it hasn't been all that fun. I miss being on track!
He's jokingly made comments before like, "We could name our son _____." or, "When I have a boy..." But I always thought he was just being silly. Now, I realize that he was probably just feeling out my reaction.
