I feel a lot better too. Thankfully. I hate colds.
Anyway, my Cathe calendar looks very pitiful this month. Only 2 stickers for the whole month. Bad me! I got back on the exercise wagon with The FIRM Aerobic Body Shaping this evening. Good ol' Allie. She's a great lead. It was a good workout.
It's amazing how when I have it firmly set in my mind that I'm going to have a good day, I really can accomplish it.
I haven't fully figured out why I sabotage myself the way I do. Why I sit and eat too much ice cream when I know good and well that it does me nothing but harm. I'll keep working on it.
My parents are taking us all to Disneyland for a family vacation this summer. It started as a sort of joke. But my sister got online and snagged a good deal so my parents are paying for the trip for all of us. I'm excited. We haven't had a family vacation since I was a little girl. But I started thinking that I really don't want to go to California and be miserable because I'm fat. I know there's no way to get to goal by mid-June, but I can be in a better place so I'm going to work for that.
That's my plan right now. Something to work towards.
School is crazy busy. So much to do. Kiddos were a little loopy today. They seemed to have forgotten all of the rules since I've been out! They're not used to me being gone. I rarely take off work. I'm going to be in a meeting all day tomorrow so they're getting another sub. Poor things! It's hard to believe that next week is our last. Wow.
I'm sick. I caught a stupid cold and I'm so bummed out about it! Not only because I feel rotten but because I was all set to start this week off fiercely, ya know?! Yeah, I know, I'm like the boy who cried wolf. I always think I'm going to have an awesome week and then...well...you all know the rest!
I started feeling yucky on Saturday so I didn't do much. Sunday I lounged around all day hoping that I could kick it with some rest. When I got up to get ready for work yesterday I knew I wasn't going to make it. Unfortunately, I had no sub plans handy so I had to get to work to get some stuff together. I hate that about being a teacher. You can't just call in and say, "I'm not going to make it in today."
Today I went to work but felt rotten all day and was getting grumpy with my poor kiddos. So, I planned for a sub for tomorrow and will stay home again. It's hard to be out anyway but it's that much worse when there's so much end-of-the-year stuff to do.
My theory: I've been super stressed and then haven't been eating well or keeping up with my workouts so my immune system is weak. I need to take better care of myself!!!!!
Needless to say, I missed spinning on Monday and won't go tomorrow either. I'm not going to force myself to work out when I feel so yucky.
I haven't eaten much today - that's a good thing. I don't see the point in eating when I can't TASTE anything! Bleh.
I really appreciate you guys popping in to check up on me! I've been trying to keep up with everyone's blogs. I just haven't found a good block of time to sit and blog and comment. Things have been crazy busy!
Happy Teacher Appreciation Week to all of my fellow teachers out there! Our administration and PTA has been awesome showing their appreciation. Unfortunately, it's mostly been in the form of food!
Eating hasn't been good. I haven't worked out since spinning last Wednesday. Up until Friday of last week I had been really on track and so excited to be so. Then Friday night J and I made a late night run to a fast food place. Stupid. No resolve. Ugh! Then I made a quick trip to Arizona to visit my family and celebrate my Dad's birthday. There were hamburgers, chips, pineapple upside down cake, ice cream and home-made big Sunday morning breakfast. Double UGH! Then this week getting all the appreciation and stuff. Ay! I've been an eating fool. And I feel it. I feel bloated and tired and just plain BLECH!!
I'm exhausted but I'm forcing myself to go back to spinning tonight. I went back last Wednesday and really enjoyed it but couldn't make it there on Monday. Those are the only days the class is offered: Mon & Wed. Unless I want to go at 5:30AM. Uhh...no thanks! My friend backed out on me last week so I haven't had a chance to use all of the other equipment at the gym, but hopefully soon I'll be able to figure out some more things to do there. I don't want to let this membership go to waste as I've been known to do! I'm also hoping this crazy wind will settle down soon so that I can go on more bike rides. It's just been too ugly to do that lately.
So, I'm still here. Still hanging on. Never say die!!!
You all really have no idea how much I appreciate you and your comments, suggestions, advice. You have all been there so much for me and I just want you to know that it means the world to me. I am so thankful for you.
Things have been better. For the last 2 days I have been on program. That's TWO DAYS in a ROW! Sounds silly, but I hadn't done this well in a loooooong time!
I joined a gym tonight. I had gone to check it out a couple of weeks ago because I wanted to try I spinning class. We did up the paperwork but I never went back to finalize. I bit the bullet tonight and tried the class. Holy Smokes! My whole lower body was burning! I was sweating like a pig. It was tough. I couldn't keep up but I hung on for the entire hour. I'm going to try to make it back for class on Wednesday.
I went a bit early because I wanted to check out the bikes and see try to figure out a little of what I was doing when who walks in but my old Weight Watchers leader! I greeted him happily and he reciprocated but I doubt that he remembered where he knew me from. He also works for the university and meets all kinds of people on a daily basis. So I wasn't about to remind him and say, "Yeah, I'm a WW dropout, remember me now?!" He'll put it together, I'm sure. Especially if I keep going to this class and seeing him there. Anyway, he was so nice and helped me adjust my bike and gave me some tips. At the end he said, "Good job. See you on Wednesday!" It was so hard but fun. A new challenge.
I'm going back on Wednesday with a friend from work who's already a member there. She's going to help me out with the weights machines. I know the trainers there would help, but I'd rather go with her. Then, I'll probably just stay and take the spinning class again.
So this is me, back on track and it feels good! I hate the out-of-control me. I just do.
OK, this is long now. I just wanted you all to know that I'm not down and out. I'm going to push through this and come out better on the other side. Thank you all for always helping me keep on pushing! Love to you all!
I don't want to spend this entire post bashing myself and pointing out every single way in which I feel like a complete failure. The truth is, I am ashamed of myself. I truly am. I've spent the last few weeks stuffing my face with anything and everything without regard to anything regarding health or weight loss. I have tried to keep exercising, but really, with the way I've been eating, there's been no true benefit to it.
My weight's back up to 200.5 as of this morning. That's up over ten pounds from my lowest a little over a month ago. That's just ridiculous. What am I doing to myself? I knew I was headed back here. I knew what I was doing. And while I was doing it, I wanted so desperately to stop, to get myself in control, but I didn't. I wouldn't. And there are so many reasons I could give for it, excuses I could make. I don't really understand why I do this to myself.
I'm not giving up. I can't. I won't. I'm upset with myself. And I know that no one can change this behavior but me. I am the only one responsible for my actions. I am even embarrassed to submit this post for everyone to read, but it's the truth. I'm not helping myself by trying to hide it.
This is for me. This blog, this "journey." It's for me. And I'm sure that if anyone can understand what I'm going through, it's you guys.
I'm ashamed, but I'm also afraid. Afraid of what this losing-gaining cycle has done and is doing to my body. I know it's rough on my body and I don't want that. I don't want to hurt myself anymore.
I've never quite figured out why I've never made it to my goal during all of these years of yo-yo dieting. I've read so many books and articles about weight loss and the mental aspect of it all. I don't believe that all of my problems will be solved once I'm thin. I don't imagine that all of my dreams will come true when I hit that magical number on the scale. I DO believe I will feel better and look better and that I'll have more energy and all of those things. Those realistic things. I don't think I'm being delusional in what I believe weight loss will do for me.
Relationships, money, family, work - these are all the things that cause me stress, just like any of us. These things are not going to go away once I reach goal. So, I don't know what it is exactly. But I know that I've overcome many challenges in my life, by the grace of God, and this is going to be another one I overcome.
so far I've gotten 4 workout stickers for the week. Already that's better than I've done in a long time. Eating hasn't been as good as I would like. I don't know if it's just something "going around." I was talking to a friend after lunch and we were talking about what we'd eaten for lunch and I told her how I was really trying hard to get my eating back under control. She told me that she'd been eating too much too. And she knows she shouldn't but she just does it because she wants it at the moment. I've been doing the same thing.
Then another friend and I were talking later and she brought up how she had just been eating out of control and how she felt her clothes getting tighter and was starting to fall into a depression. She's the friend I've joined Weight Watchers with in the past and she's always trying this new diet or that new diet. I just can so relate to what she's feeling too.
So, I don't really know why we're all going through the same thing. We're all teachers, it's almost the end of the year. We're tired, stressed, anxious, whatever. I'm not making excuses. Just find it all kind of interesting.
I went to the health food store on Saturday and picked up a few things that I thought might help change up my menu a bit. I've also picked up a few new foods at the grocery store. My cupboards and freezer are full of healthy options. My problem is that I want them ALL at the same time! And of course, you can eat too many calories even from healthy foods!
I HAVE logged all of my food but already I'm in the red pointswise. Not good. But at least I'm being honest with myself and not letting myself off the hook. That's progress, right?
On a happy note, I'm soooo excited that Ryan's in the top 2 on Big Brother. I LOVE that show!!! I have a huge crush on Ryan. I'd want him to win all of the money except that I know he'd share it with his girlfriend and I don't like her. Yes, I'm jealous! ha ha But seriously, I watch Ryan and I just think he's yummy! J came over last night while I was watching and I felt a little naughty that I was enjoying watching Ryan so much while J was sitting next to me! Oooooo, bad me! ha ha
And tomorrow night's a brand spankin' new Grey's Anatomy. Oh, it's just been too darn long!!!! I can't wait!
I'm ready to start over...yet again! I thought I was going to start over today so I did fairly well most of the day then J came over and we got hungry. We had just finished watching Hell's Kitchen so he went in the kitchen and said he was going to play "Dinner Impossible" - i guess that's the show where the chef has to create a meal in a certain amount of time with limited ingredients or something. I don't know, I've never watched a full episode of that one. So he looked in the fridge and freezer and created a really amazingly yummy meal. Unfortunately it wasn't all that lo-cal and he served me a heaping plateful!! J used to work in food service and he is a super good cook. I ate it, didn't even attempt to count the POINTS for it, and decided I'd "start over" tomorrow.
We had a good weekend. I kept mulling over in my mind my newfound revelation. I'm still not really sure what to do with the information. I could, of course, just talk to him about it, but what can he say, really? "I promise I'll never leave you again." What good would that do? People break promises all of the time.
What I need to do is just work on being the best me I can be and decide that if he leaves, it is HIS problem, not mine. Yeah, easier said than done. But what good would it do to get fat-ter again?
I can't control him. I can't force him to stay. But I won't create reasons for him to leave either. I need to do this for me. I want it so badly. I really do.
I'm still debating on the WW meetings. I keep trying to think of when a good day to go would be. Whatever day I choose will cut into workout time and I don't know if I'm willing to sacrifice that. Weekdays are hard and then Saturdays are my sleeping in days. Yes, I realize I am making excuses!
But anyway, what I DO know is that I am going to do better this week. I am going to commit to 5 workouts this week. Hear that? FIVE!!! I've been averaging 3. And starting tomorrow I will log ALL of my food. No matter what! Alright, I typed it, now I have to stick to it. Hope everyone has a terrific week!
I'm not exactly sure how the two are related, but I just have to thank my map- making friend, Ms. Glory, for providing me with some awesome insight into my problems!
I guess I knew that this all had to be related to J somewhow. And I think it's a little bit of a lot of things about him and "us" that are causing me to lose my focus. Glory suggested that I may not be over the whole situation just yet. He walked away from me. He hurt me so very badly. I believed from the very start that he would be my forever guy. I believed that with all of my heart and he certainly did things and said things to encourage my thinking that way.
Then he left me.
And that hurt. So very deeply.
I wanted him to come back. Of course I did. I prayed for it. But I also prayed that God would just do His will in my life. Which is why I never contacted J. I needed him to realize his own mistakes. And I guess he did.
But I guess part of me thinks that I made it too easy for him. I forgave him and let him come back and just pick up where we had left off. I didn't want to bring up all of the hurt with him because I wanted to bury it. But now I don't think it's working.
He's changed his ways. He's doing a lot to prove to me that his heart is really in this now. But lingering in my mind is the fear that he's still capable of walking away. And maybe it would be easier for me to understand his leaving me again if I get fat again.
Wow.
Wow.
That has to be it.
How wild.
So, this has to be dealt with. And I have to figure out the best way to do that. For the weight/diet stuff I'm really thinking hard about going to WW meetings again. I said I'd never join again. I know the program, I have the eTools, I can do it on my own. But maybe going to the meetings would help push me out of this funk.
I know I say this a lot - how much I love all of my EP friend and how much I appreciate you all. But it's so true. Your willingness to share and encourage and support...gosh, where would I be without you guys?!
I know that I am in a bad place right now...my eating's out of control, my workouts have been sporadic, my commitment is waning.
I know that I am the only one who can do anything about this.
I know that it all starts in my head and that something is going on in there that's making me veer off course. I'm just not exactly sure what it is.
I know that I know that I know what needs to be done to get back on track.
I don't know why I can't seem to do it. And it's getting harder every day.
I know that I don't want to go back to being the obese version of me. I know that.
I know that I am happy when I am doing the right things for myself and my body.
What keeps stopping me from doing the right things?
I've been evaluating my life and trying to figure out what I'm trying to compensate for with all of the eating and treating myself badly. I can't figure it out.
Yesterday I surrounded myself with all of my healthy magazines; Oxygen, Clean Eating, Fitness, Shape...hoping to absorb some kind of new motivation of some kind. All I did was feel like a complete fraud. How dumb is that?
I know that I don't want to keep going like this. I don't want to wake up one day back at square one. I don't want to undo all that I've done.
I don't know why I'm so hard on myself. Where does that come from? That feeling that I'm just never going to do things right enough. That way of convincing myself that if I've blown a meal I may as well blow a day then the whole week. It's not rational and it's in no way beneficial but I continue to do it. Week after week after week.
I know that no matter how long I stick to my plan of healthy eating and exercise, I will always have these demons to fight. They're always lurking there for a weak moment just waiting for me to fail and give in and surrender.
I get so darned tempted to just throw it in, you know?! My whiny self just gets to complaining about how hard this is. I don't wanna count. I don't wanna measure portions. I don't wanna stop after one serving. Blah, blah, blah.
Thing is, I've been blogging here for about a year now. I struggled to start then hit my stride in the summertime. I've been semi-serious about this whole thing since about Christmastime with minimal losses.
BUT! I AM 30 pounds lighter than I was last year. And I need to quit thinking about how much MORE I should have lost by now because really, I don't think I've ever been as committed to changing my ways as I am this go-round. I've always wanted super fast results without thinking really about the long term.
This time is different. I get frustrated and disappointed in myself. But I am not going to quit. Today was a better day than yesterday. I've eaten well and threw out some too tempting goodies I had in the house. The money situation is really fine. I just like to have more of a "cushion" in my checking account. It's just deflated now!
We're going out to dinner tomorrow - our girls' night. We're celebrating a birthday though, so there'll be cake! I'm not going to fool myself into thinking that i won't have any. I will. A small piece. I probably won't workout tomorrow but I have all evening to sweat with Cathe tonight! We're doing Muscle Max, she and I, tonight! Then maybe I'll throw in a little something short for some cardio too!
M and I have scheduled a bike ride for Friday afternoon. Thankfully her ankle is feeling better and she's ready to get riding again. I haven't done much at all on my own.
I guess the point of all of this is to just remind myself how really important this is to me but also that I don't have a timeline. I was watching Ali on The Biggest Loser last night and just marveled at her amazing progress. She was turned a certain way and you could just tell the definition in her arms. It was awesome! Fifteen weeks. She's done all of that in 15 weeks! And here I've probably wasted that much time just losing and gaining the same three pounds!!!
But it doesn't matter. Unfortunately, I'm not going to be competing to win thousands of dollars for losing weight. But my motivation for being healthy and strong is still very present!
I wish I could be the kind of person who just gets on that horse and rides without ever faltering. I'm not. My weight graph shows that! I'm always slip-sliding and falling right off! But I keep getting back on that darn horse. I guess that's what counts.
Thank you all for always being so kind and encouraging. I so appreciate every one of you!
I'm also hoping this crazy wind will settle down soon so that I can go on more bike rides. It's just been too ugly to do that lately.
And of course, you can eat too many calories even from healthy foods!