A year ago, I was exactly this same weight and I was THRILLED! I felt really good and was gaining confidence. Having lost nearly 20 pounds from my starting weight, I felt as thought I'd really accomplished something.
Now, at this weight, I feel just beaten down. How strange. The exact same number feels a lot different when you hit it going down than when you hit it going back up. Duh. I know you all know that.
But anyway...whining about it isn't going to help anything.
I ate a really healthy breakfast this morning. We won't discuss the rest of the day so far. I just have to learn how to find the positives sometimes. I've got some chicken cooking in the crockpot for dinner, so that should be healthy enough. J's doing something with the men of the family tonight so I won't see him. Blah. And M's got company so I won't be hanging out with her either. Double Blah. Maybe I'll go rent some movies or pull a good book off the shelf and enjoy the last of my vacation.
Notice, I said nothing about possibly working out.
I faced the scale yesterday morning and had a horrendous 209 staring back at me. It's just a number, I know, but it made me feel so defeated. Before stepping on it, I sat on my bed for a long time going back and forth in my mind about getting on that stupid scale. It has so much control over my emotions, it's disgusting. After facing it, I said to myself, "it is what it is, now do what you need to do." I ate a healthy breakfast and logged it. Then I gave up.
How absurd is that?!
Now, rationally, I know I have more "fight" in me. I know I will never truly give up and let my weight creep up to 300 lbs. I know this. But how far will I have to go before I reign this out of control behavior back in?
Although the eating was crap yesterday and again today, there are some positives. I considered going to Spinning yesterday but I didn't think I'd make it through the class without passing out. Luckily M called and wanted to go walking so we did. She pulled one kiddo in the wagon and I pushed the other one in the stroller. We walked for a little over an hour. Then we went for a long bike ride this morning followed by some arms work at the gym. She joined my gym today! Yay! So now I have a buddy to go with. We've made all of these plans for working out together. We'll see how it goes...
Still, I NEED to get this eating back in check. Seriously. But the thought of counting POINTS just fills me with disdain right now. Why is that? I guess I just don't want to live the rest of my life eating by a POINTS system. Still, it WORKS...so what's the deal with me? There is the Core program I could consider and I really like the idea of eating clean, I just don't have the time and energy it takes to plan.
I've been here before, sad to say. This miserable loathsome place. I'm hating myself again and have been eating to try to erase the feelings. It doesn't work. How many times am I going to have to try it before I finally realize that it never works?
My friend M and I were talking about addictions yesterday. She was talking about gambling and alcohol. In my mind, I was thinking about food. An addiction is just an irrational pull. It goes against all our sensibilities. We KNOW the right thing. We may even understand the consequences, but the pull of it...the instant gratification...even the unrealistic expectation that it may end differently "this" time is just too much to resist. It's a sickness.
Let me update a bit since it's been a while..
Disneyland was a lot of fun. We did so much walking and water drinking that by the time I got back home I was actually back down to 199! It was so cool. But it didn't last.
I went back to Arizona for the 4th of July. My grandma had been put in a nursing home with hopes of some therapy and rehabilitation for her, but it doesn't look like she'll be getting out anytime soon. When I first went in to visit her there, it just tore me up inside. As we left my mom insisted that she was so much better. I just saw her so frail and in such a sad place. It bothered me much more than I thought it would.
I ended up staying there at my parents' house for the whole week. It wasn't a good time. My mom was super stressed and preoccupied with my grandma's situation, understandably so. But home just didn't feel much like home anymore. I wasn't happy there and I couldn't wait to get back here. It was a difficult thing for me to realize that these were all the people I loved most in the world but I didn't want to be around them anymore. I'm still trying to deal with that.
One good thing that came from all the time away was the strengthening of J and my relationship. We are in a good place together. It feels good and solid and strong again. I feel secure in us and it feels good.
But all this time I've exercised sporadically. I haven't been to the gym in about a month. Haven't done a Cathe tape in about that long either. I've been buying junk at the grocery store that I had stayed away from for a long time and have been devouring it as if I'd never ever see it again. The last time I got on the scale it said 206.5. I'm certain it's up at least 5 more pounds by now.
Again, I know this food thing is a sickness for me. I've realized a lot of things and through reading different books and endless magazine articles, I've come to realize the root of it. I won't go into it all here because it's deeply personal and painful.
I know the right things to do. I know how to do them and how awesomely great it feels to be on the straight and narrow weight-loss path! I want to get there again. Counting POINTS gets so exhausting sometimes. I get to where I just don't want to figure out the POINTS value of anything! But I also know that following the Weight Watchers program is the thing that works the best for me because I never really feel deprived. So my plan is to start again tomorrow.
I am going to weigh in the morning (UGH!) then log my weight and start logging POINTS again. I have to. I keep putting it off and putting it off and now my summer's almost gone and I've managed to just about undo everything I had worked so hard for. It sickens me that I'm starting all over. I hate that I let myself fall back into these old destructive habits. I remember getting to a point in my healthier lifestyle when I thought, "Wow, this is really great! I'm eating well, exercising, taking good care of myself and it feels amazing!" I want to find that place again. I hate that I got so far away from it, but I will find it again. I will.
I've been keeping up with you all and am so inspired by your continual hard work and determination. I will start working my way around your all's blogs to say hi. I love you all.
That's me...as soon as I can get my stuff together I'll be gone.
Disneyland, here I come!
Not below the 200 mark as I had hoped...but I guess I need to learn that hope is not enough...I have to DO something to get where I want to be. I've had this awful mentality of, "Well, I'm leaving for vacation so all of my good efforts will come undone anyway so I may as well just wait until I get back." Stupid, I know, but that's me...
Still, I refuse to feel bad about myself. I've been trying to work on that. Yes, I've eaten like crap for a long time now but that doesn't make me a horrible person.
I will get this thing together. I will.
I've been reading this book called Love Hunger. It was recommended somewhere...a message board or here...I don't even remember. It's been sitting on my shelf for a while and I pulled it out the other day. So far, it's been a good read. I think it may help me find my way back on track.
A friend from work came over the other day and as soon as she saw me she told me how beautiful I looked. I don't mention this because I FEEL it, but because I HAVEN'T been feeling it. It made me realize that what I see is not always what others see. She told me that I am too hard on myself. That's true, I guess. I just want to be a better me and for the life of me, I can't figure out why I keep getting in my own way.
J...leaving J is something I think about often. I keep praying about it, weighing the pros and cons. Here's the thing: I am not his number one priority. And honestly, that is not a bad thing. I don't need to be placed on a pedestal, I don't need to be treated like a queen. I've had that before and I hated it. Seriously. I've had the guy who calls every little while, "just to see how you're doing." And who wants to be attached at the hip and I can't handle it. I love the freedom I have with J. If I want to hang out with my friends, I do, without worrying that he's going to be hurt about it.
So, the thing I complain about most: him not being there, is actually the thing that I like about our relationship...he's not needy. So, I just can't figure out what exactly I want...because when I do need him he is there for me...I trust him completely...there's no wondering if he's at the bar somewhere with his buddies, or another woman...he doesn't do stuff like that.
I know he loves me in his own way and we can't help but be scarred by our pasts, as we both very much are. I guess I'm just not ready to give up on this. Not yet.
But anyway, I'm excited to be getting away. I'm excited that I get to spend some quality time with my family. I think we're going to have a really great time.
I really need to learn to tell myself that....AND listen!
STOP being so negative.
STOP worrying so darn much.
STOP stuffing your face! It doesn't solve anything!!!!!!
STOP. STOP. STOP!
OK. The eating is still not under control. But I did a Cathe video today. All except for the abs. I hate working abs. I really do. And Cathe's ab workouts are TOUGH! I wasn't feeling it today. Especially after a gazillion minutes of PLANKS! Ugh! I just couldn't. I was bummed because in the warm-up I had to do these little jumps and my belly hurt from floppin' up and down! Seriously. It was disgusting! Sorry for the visual! So I'm going to my Spinning class in a few minutes.
M and I took her kiddos to the zoo on Saturday. It was fun. I love the zoo. We had to laugh though because we were pushing the boys in strollers and at one point she and I were looking at some animals over a rock wall and realized that her sons could see NOTHING but rock wall! We said that when they're a little older and she asks them if they remember going to the zoo, all they're going to remember is rock wall! It really was funny...maybe you had to be there!
Her parents came to town and babysat for the night so we went to the movies. First we saw What Happens in Vegas. It was really cute. I've never been a real Ashton Kutcher fan, but seeing him on the big screen like that....my goodness, that man is just perfectly pretty! It was a cute movie. Then after that we decided to stay and watch Sex and the City. She hadn't seen it so I offered to watch it again if she wanted. Loved it the second time too!
Yesterday J invited me to a family thing so I went. It was fun. When I told my Mom about it later she asked, "Oh, so you guys are doing ok today?" And I had to respond, "Yeah, today things are good."
So, that's the latest with me. I leave for Arizona on Friday and we fly to California for our Disneyland trip on Sunday. I think we're all excited. We've never done a family trip like this and I'm really looking forward to it.
It's late and I'm tired and I'm going to apologize in advance for this post. It ain't gonna be happy...what's new?
I'm tired of being tired. I'm exhausted from waiting...always waiting for things to get better. I'm referring to J and me...and this stupid weight battle that has plagued me for years. I'm so damn tired.
I know that only I can change it all.
Last summer when I started being serious about getting healthy again, I had been with J for a while. I had a sense of belonging with him. I had a little more confidence in myself than "normal." I think that's what pushed me to better myself. I didn't want to "be" with him and be all fat and jiggly...if you know what I mean.
Well, when he broke it off with me I tried to keep it together. Working out helped ease the stress, it made me think about something else for a while.
But once we got back together, it's like everything fell apart for me. My confidence was shot, my desire to be fit was overcome with feelings of insecurity and uncertainty. I've spent all my time wondering, worrying, just waiting for him to find a reason to leave me again. I know I have done things to sabotage our relationship, but really, inside, I know that his heart is just not in it. And that just kills me.
Because, rationally, I know that I am a good woman. I am well-educated, have a good career, great family, etc. In my heart, I know that I'm flawed in many ways, but I am so devoted to J and care about him and want to do things that make him happy and feel good about our relationship but it's so obvious that he doesn't feel the same way. He just doesn't want to make any effort. So, I keep questioning...why did he come back? I could have moved on...yeah, I was having a hard time, but I would have eventually moved on.
Now I'm smack dab in the middle of I don't know what the heck to do.
We "talked" on Sunday. He came over and I tried to explain what I was feeling. It didn't seem to get us anywhere though.
M and I talked today and she said, "I'm so frustrated for you. I wish I could go and tell him what he has." She was so sweet. She said all the things you guys have been saying too..."You deserve better."
But do I? I am terrified of ending this thing. Terrified. But I'm also afraid that if I stay in it, I will try to eat my emotions all the way up to 300 pounds! And as much as I KNOW that food won't make it better, I keep doing it.
I appreciate you guys so much. You have no idea. I'm sorry that my posts are so negative these days. I hate that I don't know how to deal with things better.
On a good note, my June calendar has 4 Cathe stickers and 2 Spinning stickers on it! Yay! At least that's going well.
I've come to the conclusion that my relationships make me FAT! Yeah, I'm blaming others, darn it. I'm so tired of beating myself up all the time.
My relationship with J is a mess. I did the ol' lay-it-all-out-there e-mail. He barely responded. He conveniently has a broken phone and can't call me. I don't know...I'm tired of chasing him around. He knows where to find me if he wants to. The point of this is to say that I've been eating to ease the emotional turmoil involved in this relationship. Has it eased? No. Do I stop the ridiculous overeating? No.
So, then there's M. My dear, dear friend who knows all about the J saga and tries to distract me from it by keeping me busy. She does a great job. The problem is, a lot of our distractions involve....yep, you guessed it. FOOD! And she's so beautifully tall and thin...I don't know what makes me think I can eat like her and get anywhere with this weight loss. And the girl does EAT! ha ha
So, I'm up to 204 today. I so swore that I'd never be back in the 200s. Dammit!!!! But yes, I know it's my own fault.
I told M yesterday that I wasn't doing it anymore. And I have to stick to that. As for J...he doesn't know what the heck is going on my life and doesn't seem to care. And that hurts.
Disneyland is two weeks away. I can work my tail off and be back in the 190's by then. That's what I plan to do. The funny, well, maybe not so funny, thing is that I worked out a lot last week...got more stickers on my calendar last week than I have ALL MONTH. One day I did Cathe AND went to Spinning. Yet, the scale is still up. But yeah, my eating hasn't been good at all.
By the way, I got to watch the Sex and the City movie yesterday. I loved it!
I heard the "villain" say this in a Lifetime movie yesterday. It really made me think (Yeah, I get such inspiration from the weirdest places!) ...I don't want to have that attitude about my life. To think of it as an incurable disease...something to just endure unitl the end. I don't want that.
Things with J and me aren't good. What should have been a fun weekend turned a mess. Mostly my fault. My issues. I have such a fear of bringing up anything that bothers me to him because I don't want it to set something off in him that will cause him to leave me again. How brutally insecure of me is that?! So I tend to avoid things and try to just "let 'em go" but you can only supress for so long. And by Saturday night my attitude had turned ugly. I didn't hear from him yesterday, which I expected. I don't know...I just don't know anymore.
So, I finished up with school on Saturday. Yeah, I had to go back on Saturday to finish packing up but it's done for the summer. I got myself back on track-sort of-yesterday. I say "sort of" because I ate a bagel before church then nothing else until dinnertime. I logged all of my food and counted my POINTS but it wasn't the best eating day. Today I've done Cathe's Low Intensity Step & back & chest. I called the gym to see about Spinning class tonight but I guess they're closed. Eating's been on track today.
My Mom called and we talked and I told her a little bit about what's going on with J. My poor Mom...she always seems to sense when I need her! She said that I should just email him and lay it all out there for him. I told her I feel like I'm such a mess. She assured me that I was not! I love her so much!
So, i don't know about the rest of my life, but I have my eating under control for now. I think it'll be a heck of a lot easier now that I'm done with work for a while.
Self magazine has an interesting article in it this month about disordered eating. Not eating disorders, necessarily, but just eating that is not quite normal. There's a little quiz on their site to take to see if you're "at risk." Guess what? I am.
Of course, the recommendation is to eat nutritious foods, avoid fad diets and/or extreme weight loss methods. I know all of that. I should also seek help from a professional.
I'm not doing that.
I've thought of it, of course. It's just not something I see myself doing. I know I have a poor relationship with food. I know I use it as comfort, a stress-reliever, even an avoidance tactic. I even know ways of changing this behavior. I just don't DO it. Or, at least, I haven't been doing it. I don't need some "thin-all-their-life-know-it-all" therapist telling me what i already know. And maybe that's the wrong attitude to have and it wouldn't really be that way, but that's just what I think right now.
I know I use food to punish myself too. I don't feel that I am deserving of a nice, healthy, strong body. I don't deserve it because I wouldn't know how to maintain it properly. Or, rather, I wouldn't always WANT to. I know these are the thoughts I have when I'm in a lousy state of mind.
Eh. I just thought it was interesting. Still, I already knew food and I had a dysfunctional relationship.
I wish I could report that I kept up the momentum through the weekend. But I didn't.
I was super sore from my FIRM workout Thursday so I didn't workout on Friday. J and I went to a movie instead and we shared popcorn...with butter. Ugh!
Saturday I had pizza. But I also did Turbo Jam Cardio Party 3. Fun workout!
Yesterday we took a motorcycle ride and stopped to eat Mexican food. Yikes. No workout.
I didn't make the best choices and the scale proved it this morning. My weight is up even more. I'm not even gonna recordit, but I did get on to keep myself in check. Not that it seems to be working...
This should be enough to set me straight. I don't know what it's going to take.
I did do better today with my eating. Not great, but better. And I went to spinning class. I was pretty close to talking myself out of it, but I didn't. And I'm glad. It was a tough class.
This is going to be a crazy busy week. Lots of end of year celebrations, retirement parties, a co-worker's birthday...food, food, food!
