My allergies are awful. (True, but not life-threatening)
I'm so big again, I won't be able to do the moves. (True, but I can't let that hold me back forever!)
The couch is so comfy. (I was actually sitting there falling asleep!)
I decided NO! No excuses. Just get up and do it.
So, I did.
Kelsie's "Pump, Jump, 'n Jab" - one of the new FIRM workouts. It was fun. I did it all the way through. What was so freakin' hard about that?!
Once I got going, I remembered how much my body craves exercise. I caught glimpses of how strong it makes me feel. I'm glad I fought the excuses.
M and I made it to the gym yesterday too. A short cardio warm-up, chest, back, and shoulders. So, 2 down and 3 to go!
We're having a much needed girls' night Thursday. We're going to watch The Women and then maybe dinner. I doubt I'll get to workout, but thanks to GirlNextDoor, I won't beat myself up about it.
And really, the eating hasn't been all that great. I don't know. I just can't seem to get a handle on it. My plan is awesome in theory but the execution of it always falls flat! I need more structure. Well-set parameters. I'll keep working on it.
I hate 'em. Detest 'em. Loathe 'em. And when they start to creep up in my yard I tend to ignore 'em. For a while anyway. Until they, much like Glen Close's character in Fatal Attraction, taunt me that they will not be ignored. Then I get out there and destroy 'em. Some I whack with the hoe, others I just yank out by the roots. It's grueling, especially when my allergies start acting up or I get dust in my eyes. But when I'm done...ahhhhhh....it feels like such an accomplishment. I know I've actually conquered something. Ha ha weeds, I WON!
I did the weed destroying yesterday. I put on my MP3 player (I'm not cool enough to have an iPod yet! ) and my baseball cap to hide my make-up-less face and went to it. While working I try to distract myself with thinking and yesterday, for some reason, I started thinking about the presidential nominees and the way religion has played/is playing a huge factor in this race...then thoughts went to the ladies on the View and how Joy always makes fun of people saying that the events that happen in the world are God's will. She doesn't get it. She doesn't see how a loving God allows such evil things to happen. I don't either, entirely. But one thing that I have never doubted in my life is my faith in God. Joyce Meyer likes to say something like this: Unbelievers say there is no proof of a God and yadda, yadda...Her answer is, "Well, if I'm wrong, then when I die no harm, no foul. If you're wrong, you spend eternity in hell." Ouch! But it makes its point.
Please know I'm not trying to preach here, this is just the stuff I was thinking...I'm getting to my point!
So, as i thought about Joyce Meyer, I started thinking about how she always says that "God told me" this or that. And I know many other people who say that as well..."God told me...," 'The Holy Spirit spoke to me..." And I believe that if you know how to listen, He does speak to you. Me, well, I just never have trusted myself enough to know if God is trying to tell me something or if it's my own thinking. Looking back, I'm convinced that He's led me down certain paths for specific reasons, but I can't convincingly say that "He spoke to me."
Until yesterday.
And it just hit me really hard.
The weeds.
The weeds represented all of the crappy thoughts and behaviors in my life. I tend to just let them be, ignore them, and let them do what they're going to do. But if I would just get busy and do the grueling work, then I could reap the rewards. I could feel good about the accomplishment. I could look and feel good again. But the longer I wait, the higher they grow, the more they taunt me, until it all seems too overwhelming to get a handle on. Once I buckled down and tackled the weeds, it wasn't all that difficult a job. If I would just buckle down and get busy with this getting healthy, eating right thing, I know it wouldn't be so hard.
Now, you might say, Why do you think that was God and not just your own brilliant mind at work?! I don't know, really. I just believe He was helping me see what I was doing to myself and that I just needed to get back in gear and do the work.
My goal for this week is to work out 5 days. At least do something. We haven't made it to the gym in a while. Maybe once in 2 weeks? M has a crazy hectic life and when she can't make it, I use that as an excuse to skip the working out altogether. Not anymore. I WILL work out 5 days this week. No excuses. No matter what. Unless I break a limb...God forbid!
Food. This is my biggest struggle. I made another Ellie Krieger recipe today: Herbed Bulgur-Lentil Pilaf. It was....ummm....ok. Not delicious. I don't think I'll ever sit around and CRAVE bulgur and lentils but it wasn't terrible. I'm proud that I tried something new but not sure if I'll even finish the leftovers in the fridge. Still, I'm almost certain that I don't want to spend my life counting POINTS and/or calories. I don't. The thought of it just stirs up such negative feelings. I hate that because I know it works. Still, I'm going to do this for this week: eat 3 meals and two maybe 3 small snacks every day. I say maybe 3 because when I work out, I want to be able to eat a little more to refuel. And I know what's healthy versus what's not so I will make the best possible choices I can. Really stay AWARE of what and how much I am eating. We'll see how that goes.
Oh! And no weighing. At least not right now. I know the number's ugly and I just don't want to face it right now.
OK, this went way long. I love you all. Hope you had a great weekend and I'll try to come by and say hi tomorrow!!!
Why are you so grumpy?! I got an awesome email from Ellie Krieger that I wanted to share with you all but it wouldn't let me post it. "Too long" it said. Sheesh...you're even grumpier than I am, EP! And that's bad!!
Well, no, it wasn't from Ellie herself! I signed up to receive her daily email from her online program. I rarely read them all the way through, but this one was good. All about getting back on track. She explained that it's easy for many of us to lose weight, it's the keeping it off that's hard. We can discipline ourselves to do really well for a time but then slack off and get back to square one.
Basically, her advice was that if something worked before, do it again and it'll work again. She said it much better than I just did which is why it sounded much more motivational!
So, I've received all of my new DVDs and have previewed them all. We had Open House tonight so I didn't work out. Guess how many parents out of 16 students showed up? TWO! Ain't that sad? It's always disappointing. Oh wait, I'm wrong, there were three. One showed up at the very end.
I missed Big Brother tonight. It was preempted by the memorial service of a prominent El Paso, TX coach. OK, I understand that he was highly esteemed by that community. But why do ALL 3 major channels have to broadcast the memorial service? And it's been going on now for over 3 hours! Am I heartless for being bummed that I didn't get to watch the final three battle it out for the final head of Household?! Hey, when that's the highlight of your life, of course it's gonna hurt!
I got my new FIRM DVDs yesterday. I sat and previewed them all. Yes, you read that right... I SAT and previewed. There was no getting up and trying some of the moves. I just watched and thought, "I dunno if I can do that!" I'm pretty impressed with Kelsie though. She seems like a great lead. And those arms...yowza!!! Bee-yoo-teee-full!!! I'm anxious to actually TRY them.
But I checked my amazon account and my other two DVDs were supposed to be delivered today. My oh-so-rational thinking was that I didn't want to be working out in the living room when they came to my door to deliver (it's UPS) so I decided to wait them out. Well, they never came until almost 9:00PM and when I heard them knock, I just froze. Hey, I'm a single woman living alone. I don't open the door after dark unless I know who's there and I wasn't entirely sure it was UPS. If it was, I figured they'd just leave the package.
Well, once they'd left, I checked my porch and there was NOTHING!!!! Not even one of those little stickers that says they attempted delivery.
So, needless to say I never worked out today and I never got my kickboxing DVDs. And I ate exceptionally well today until I got home from work. I was soooo hungry and I saw these two little avocadoes all happy and ripe just sitting in my basket so I mashed them up into guacamole and ate them with tortilla chips. Yes, BOTH of them. They were small, but still....
How many "tomorrows" am I gonna throw away until I get this thing right?
I realized today that I live most of my life ridden with guilt. I just never feel like I get anything quite right.
I debated going to church this morning. We've moved into a new facility and it's way the heck on the other side of town. Our old building was just right down the street from me - very convenient. So, I felt lazy. But I knew I would feel GUILTY if I didn't go, so I got myself ready and ventured out. It was a very good service. We had a guest speaker - a missionary to Panama. He spoke about all the wonderful things he has seen accomplished while he's over there doing the Lord's work. It was moving and inspirational. So, I left there feeling....yep. you guessed it: GUILTY. Why? Because I don't feel like I'm involved enough. There are people out there doing great things, and I sit here wallowing in my self-centeredness, never feeling good enough.
So, I drove right to the nearest McDonald's and came out of there with 10 McNuggets, large fries, and a large Diet Coke. And since the trip is so darned far, it was all gone by the time I got home. More GUILT. Already I had failed my starting over plan.
Still, never one to give up, I decided I'd try another Ellie recipe and went out for the stuff to make her Crispy Rice Bars - or something like that. I couldn't find Brown Crispy Rice in the regular supermarkets so I had to go to the health food place. I bough the cereal, some bulgur, and quinoa ( I know it's pronounced "keen-wah" but before I knew that I always said, "kee-no-ah" and it's hard to get that outta my head) with intentions of making some Clean Eating recipes. Still, I had some other things to get at Wal-Mart so I went there and spent too much money and left feeling GUILTY again for that!
I did make the crispy rice thingies and they came out pretty good. I'm proud to say that I only ate ONE of them. (Of course, I was super stuffed from all of the McNuggets!!) and they're stored in a container for snacking throughout the week.
The rest of the day didn't go so well eating-wise. I've still got the all or nothing mentality: "You already blew it, there's no fixing it now until tomorrow." More GUILT.
I talked to my Mom on the phone and she mentioned my nephew having his first football game. They went and watched. I, of course, did not. More GUILT. And on and on it goes...
Guilty because I didn't do much of anything today besides make crispy rice bars and eat crappily.
Guilty because I should have at least cleaned house a bit. It's not a pigsty, but it could use some tidying.
Guilty because I didn't do some work I had brought home with me to do. Sometimes I think I just carry that bag for fun.
Guilty because I was doing my ironing and pulled out some jeans to wear on Friday but looked at the tag and they were a size 12. I knew they wouldn't fit anymore.
I know that after reading all of this you all probably think I need therapy. Believe me, I know I probably do. The thing is, though, I know that these are just low moments. I'm not in a good place in my life right now and I need to start making choices that will get me back to a better place. I feel down but not hopeless and that has to be good. These poor choices I've made to get myself back up to this heavier weight have a snowball effect. One thing out of control and everything seems out of control. I know I have the power to change it all. I suppose some guilt is good because at least I have a conscience, but I know I can't live my entire life feeling guilty about everything!
Tomorrow's another day. I hope it goes better. Have an awesome week everyone!
I read TatumsMom's blog post earlier and became really inspired to try some new recipes myself. I watched Ellie Krieger this morning and then went out and got the ingredients for and made her Walnut and Dried Cherry Bars and Pasta Primavera. And they were both sooooo yummy!!! So I have something new to bring for lunches and snacks this week.
J and I participated in a Relay for Life event this morning. He asked if I would walk with him and of course I agreed. I had to get my butt out of bed and be there to walk at 5:30AM. On a SATURDAY! But it was a good cause and I was happy to do it. He lost his mother to cancer several years back. My own grandma had a mastectomy some years back also. They had the walking path decorated with paper bag luminarias on which people had written the name of someone who had lost their battle with cancer or had survived it. Sadly, most of the names were preceded by, "In memory of..." After we were done, J had a men's meeting to go to and I was already up so I went on a bike ride. I noticed different people on the path and everyone was so nice. We all greeted each other with good mornings. (One thing I noticed when I moved to New Mexico was that people are generally very friendly here!) Anyway, that wasn't my point...what I thought as I saw all these people was just how precious they all are. Of course, I don't know them, but some were walking dogs, others were riding in pairs or walking with friends. They were all special to someone. As am I. So, why do I spend my life hating the way I look? Constantly? I don't know if any of that made sense...it was just something that hit me as I rode this morning. This life is too short and it shouldn't be wasted. I have wasted so much of it...
J has to work tonight so I am going on another bike ride. This time with M. We weren't able to get in any workouts at the gym this week. I went on Thursday but only did 45 minutes on the elliptical then left. She didn't make it so I didn't go over to the "boys' section"!!! I ordered some of the new FIRM workouts and then went back and ordered a couple of new kickboxing workouts. (I signed up for a trial membership to amazon Prime so I'll get my stuff with free 2 day shipping! Way cool!) I know I don't need any new videos, but one uses a kettlebell and I'm anxious to work with that and I just need some new motivation to work out more. Especially when I don't make it to the gym - I need to quit making excuses!
So, what I've decided is to just start logging my POINTS on eTools again. I never gave up my subscription so I'm still paying. I need to just quit whining and DO it. I know I love it once I'm on a roll...I just need to get there. Tomorrow will be Day 1, yet again.
I really enjoy watching Ellie Krieger and thought maybe I'd try out one of her recipes. It was for steamed artichokes with almond saffron dip. I've never eaten an artichoke in my life! Oh wait...I have had the spinach artichoke dip at Applebee's...still, that's not very healthy.
Anyway, in the spice aisle, I found saffron for $14!!! I knew it was expensive, but I decided to just scrap that recipe right there. I mean, should I actually pay that much just for the saffron, steam an artichoke for an hour and then decide I don't like the whole thing?
But then, how am I supposed to learn to like new stuff if I don't try it? Ugh.
I came home and ate chips and salsa. And a 100 calorie pack of cookies.
Is it any wonder I'm getting nowhere but fatter??!!!
My trip home was nice. I'm so glad I went. Brother-in-law is out of the hospital and looks good - back to his old self. Grandma is doing better. She got to come out of the nursing home to have my sister's birthday dinner & cake & stuff. She got super tired though. But everyone said she was doing so much better and from the stories they were all telling, I believed 'em. My nephews are all big and tall and my sweet little niece is growing so fast and is just beautiful! I forgot my camera but took some pictures with my cell phone. Unfortunately, I don't know how to use the darned thing and forgot to SAVE 'em. Grrrr! I'm glad my sister takes lots of pictures and sends them to me.
Friday at work, after school I walked into the office and the secretary motioned to something on the counter and said, "For you." I looked over and coudn't tell what she was talking about. There was a woman standing there so I wondered if maybe she wanted to talk to me. She saw my puzzled look and said, "Those are for you." That's when I noticed the flowers and the card with my name. I thought M had sent them since I had been whining to her the day before about how everything in my life was crappy. When I opened the card, I realized that they were from J. J! The man who hates to spend money! He apologized for being a jerk. And the card was just so touching. He made a real effort and I was extremely pleased. I really didn't expect it. I had such a gloom and doom attitude, I figured we were headed for another break-up. So, we had a nice make-up weekend, even though I was gone for most of it. So, yay for that!
So, anyway, back to my title...I have been trying to come up with a plan for so long now. It's ridiculous. I know Weight Watchers works for me, but there's always a point when I get so tired of counting everything that I just rebel, throw in the towel, and gain the weight back. My wish of wishes is to be able to just keep a handle on portions and choose the right foods, but I have such a hard time doing that if I don't have a set plan to follow. "Listening" to my body is like hearing a constant stream of "feed me, feed me, feed me." I don't know what a hunger cue feels like. I always want to eat! I was looking through the Clean Eating cookbook that I bought when I had such high hopes of transforming myself into a Tosca Reno clone. I've come to the conclusion that I just don't have the discipline to eat clean every day of my life, every meal. BUT I can incorporate some clean eating into my diet. I actually like the Clean Eating magazine a lot and need to try to make at least a couple of recipes from it to get myself going in the right direction.
I had decided to count calories a while back but I just seem to be rebelling against counting anything. I just want to live normally. But I don't know what that's like! So, this is what it's been like for me...back and forth...contemplating...trying to figure out the "perfect" plan and nothing is materializing in my brain. I have a whole lot of mish mashed ideas and no set plan of action. Meanwhile, I keep eating all sorts of crappy food and I feel so lethargic. I don't like feeling this way.
I went ahead and deleted all of my old logged weights. It was just too darned depressing to see. I've managed to keep off 13 pounds from my start weight, but that's it. Still, I don't want to keep gaining. I need to stop this awful trend. M and I and another friend went on about an hourlong bike ride this morning. I was able to do the ride with a little more ease than last time, so I know our gym workouts are helping. But I really need to clean up my eating so that I can see some better results.
I've heard that if you're in a bad situation, feeling low, whatever, a good way to snap out of it is to get your eyes off of yourself and try to help someone else with whatever they're going through. It may have been from Joyce Meyer or even a Dr. Phil thing, I don't know. I just know that it does work.
I didn't have a great day. i was moody all day at work. With the kids, with coworkers...not mean, just kinda...bleh. I just feel so out of sorts. M and I went to eat yesterday after the gym (to a salad bar place!) and we were talking and I told her that I just felt like moving. Nothing seemed to be going right here and maybe if I just moved away and got a fresh start somewhere things would be better. I have nothing holding me here. And now that it's been 4 days since J has called, I don't see it turning out well. I'm really, really not prepared for another break-up. I'm certainly not very emotionally strong right now.
But anyway, I came home and had my pity party. Got the tears out. But instead of going to bed at 4:30PM and not getting back up until tomorrow, I decided to come and catch up on some of my EP friends. That has really helped. I love reading about how you all are doing. I love cheering you all on. Even if everyone is doing better than I am, I hope I can still offer support and encouragement. I'm just so darn sick of my own self!
I also talked to my mom last night and I told her I was thinking about taking a drive down there this weekend since I have Monday off. My sister's birthday is on Saturday so it'll be nice to hang out with everyone for a little bit. I'm really looking forward to that.
My little dog just came in to "check on me!" Ha...she's so cute. I wish everyone loved me the way she does!
Oh, plus, I couldn't go to bed at 4:30 'cause I would miss Big Brother...and that's just not happening!
Part of my morning routine consists of watching Joyce Meyer while I get ready for work. For those of you who don't know, she's a woman preacher who's just about as real as they get. I love her honest style. Anyway, she spoke this morning about self pity and how we shouldn't whine about things being "hard." She said we had to believe that God would help us do what we had to do.
I still marvel at how she can speak right to me about whatever I happen to be going through! God is pretty awesome that way!
So, yeah, things have been kinda rough around here, and they may or may not get better anytime soon. I still haven't heard from J and that hurts more than anything. But I can't change my circumstances, I can change how I react to them. Wallowing in self-pity helps nothing. Trying to eat and wallow at the same time helps even less!
Yesterday I had a better eating day. Not perfect by any means but no binges. Today was even a little better. M and I go to the gym still every Mon, Weds, Fri, but we have to work around her kids' schedule so sometimes it's not quite the three days. Our plan is to warm up (cardio) for a few minutes and then hit the machines for strength training. I try to beat her to the gym so that I can get some extra cardio while I wait on her. Today I did 40 minutes on the treadmill and then we worked on shoulders, chest, back & abs. I just love my friend M. She really pushes me to keep going. I know that on my own I'd never have even tried those machines where all the "boys" are because they are just too intimidating. Now, I find myself saying, "Hey, let's do that for back instead." It's cool. But I still don't think I'd do it on my own. So, I rely on her and I'm so glad that she's there with me. I told her that I know she wants to do it and she gets a lot out of it, but she just has no idea how much it does for me that she's working out with me.
I'm not doing as much as I was in my Cathe days, but I'm not giving up and I think that's the point. I still entertain the though of rejoining Weight Watchers because I just can't seem to gain control on my own. Or maybe I don't want it enough yet.
I don't like where I'm at. I hate that I've regained so much weight. I hate getting dressed in the morning in all my old fat clothes. I feel frumpy and ugly. But I promise myself that it won't be this way forever.
Anyway, I just want to thank you all so much for your sweet, encouraging, sympathizing comments. Just like my friend M, you all have no idea how much you do for me! I appreciate and love you all so much!!! It's gotten late on me tonight and I still have papers to grade so I will try to come say hi on your blogs tomorrow. Just wanted you all to know that I ain't down for the count! I've always got a little more fight in me!
I need more structure. Well-set parameters. I'll keep working on it. 
) and my baseball cap to hide my make-up-less face and went to it. While working I try to distract myself with thinking and yesterday, for some reason, I started thinking about the presidential nominees and the way religion has played/is playing a huge factor in this race...then thoughts went to the ladies on the View and how Joy always makes fun of people saying that the events that happen in the world are God's will. She doesn't get it. She doesn't see how a loving God allows such evil things to happen. I don't either, entirely. But one thing that I have never doubted in my life is my faith in God. Joyce Meyer likes to say something like this: Unbelievers say there is no proof of a God and yadda, yadda...Her answer is, "Well, if I'm wrong, then when I die no harm, no foul. If you're wrong, you spend eternity in hell." Ouch! But it makes its point.
It was preempted by the memorial service of a prominent El Paso, TX coach. OK, I understand that he was highly esteemed by that community. But why do ALL 3 major channels have to broadcast the memorial service? And it's been going on now for over 3 hours! Am I heartless for being bummed that I didn't get to watch the final three battle it out for the final head of Household?! Hey, when that's the highlight of your life, of course it's gonna hurt!
Yes, BOTH of them. They were small, but still....