I was bringing my students in after recess this morning when I noticed that several of them were crowded around one little guy. When I asked what was going on, they all answered that he was crying but they didn't know why. I sent them on their way but could sense their concern. This was one of their classmates and he was obviously hurting and they crowded around him to try to comfort him. But his tears didn't stop. They didn't want to leave him, but I made them go. So, I talked with the little boy who was crying and asked what was wrong. I wondered if he had gotten hurt on the playground. He finally revealed that another child didn't want to be his friend. He was trying to share the ball but the other kid didn't want to play with him and it hurt his feelings! His little heart hurt.
It broke my heart.
I tried to comfort him and told him that he didn't need to cry. That he was very valuable and that there were other children he could play with and who would love to be his friend. It didn't really help. He tried to stop the tears but they kept coming. I told him again that he didn't really want to hang around with children who didn't treat him right and didn't want to share with him. He seemed to calm down a bit and I let it go.
A little while later, I noticed him crying those big old tears again when he was working in his small group with another teacher who comes in to help me. She had asked him what was wrong and he broke down again!
My heart just felt for him. I knew exactly what he was feeling and how unfair it was. I could see what a great kid he is and couldn't understand why someone would make him cry like that! It wasn't right.
It got to me. I've been a mess the rest of the day. I don't know if it's about the child, or about me, or just about how life throws these awful wrenches into your plans. You're going along, minding your own business, trying to make friends, being good, and then they just, for whatever reason, don't want to be around you anymore. Ugh. Sucks to be us - me and this kid today.
Anyway, it's the end of the month and my calendar is about to be flipped to a new month. I have 4 blank spaces out of 31. I think that's the best I've done since ....EVER! It's awesome! Who knew these stickers would be as motivating to me as they are for my students! How silly!
As always, I am so grateful for you guys. Your comments are really uplifting and I come back and read them over and over again just to remind myself that I'm not alone in this, no matter how it feels.
Cathe (yes, she MUST be named in my blog at EVERY opportunity! ha ha) says this during particularly challenging parts of her workouts. It pushes me to really focus and push as hard as I can. Tonight I did High Step Training again and it's tough! It's the one with a gazillion leg presses. But I did it all and I felt strong and I had that game face on!
I need to do that in my life right now. I'm feeling emotionally fragile. I go through these moments of hopelessness. I hate to make a break up sound so DRAMATIC, but that's just how I feel right now. Still, I'm going to push through it. I'm putting my game face on and pushing through because I know the results will be worth it, just like they have been during my workouts.
Last night when I got home late I wanted to work out but my Cathe DVDs are all too long so I pulled out The FIRM's Ultimate Calorie Blaster. It's only 45 minutes long but it used to kick my beeeee-hind! So, I hadn't done it in a long time and last night I just breezed through it!! It was so awesome to feel how my endurance has improved! Way cool.
My eating's been really good this week, surprisingly enough. I'm not stuffing down my feelings with food. I'm dealing, I'm praying, I'm talking things out with friends. It's so much better than trying to cover up what I feel with chocolate. This is BIG for me! I ran into Wal-Mart this afternoon to grab a couple of things and went through the chocolate aisle. You know, I decided that I didn't need it. What for? So I actually left Wal-Mart without buying ANY kind of food whatsoever! ha! Now that is new for me.
So, every day gets a little easier I guess. Today I started thinking a lot about J's family. His sister and brother-in-law and their family. I really loved hanging around them and I'll miss them. That hurts too. They had kind of become my family away from family. They all treated me so well. Alright, that's the only sad thought I'll allow myself. Time to go shower and I think The Moment of Truth comes on again tonight.
Another day closer to being on the other side of this thing. I guess it'll hurt a little less each day. I didn't cry today.
I love my friends. God bless you all. Each and every one of you. The compassion I find here is so amazing and it's so genuine. I thank you all for your kind thoughts, great advice and just the awesome support. I hope you all know just how much it means to me.
My friends took me out to dinner tonight. Just for a distraction. Just to talk and laugh. I thought that was really sweet. It sure did help.
I find myself analyzing everything, like we women tend to do. I get the urge to write him and point out all of the things he'll miss about me! ha ha....But if he doesn't see it, there's no point in trying to "sell myself." But I get into these moments of desperation where I just want to hang on at all costs. Know what I mean? I am fighting them though. I know there's no sense in beating a dead horse.
I got a card in the mail from my Dad yesterday. He sends one every now and then and writes a little note. Usually it's just a "Hi, how's life on your end? I love you." kind of thing. But yesterday, the message on the card said, "No matter what you're going through...heaven's watching over you." And inside my dad wrote to me: "He's always watching over us, in spite of all our shortcomings." Now if that wasn't God working, I don't know what is! My Dad must have sent this card last week, before he knew anything about anything. It was just awesome. I know my God cares for me. I am finding so much peace in that. Knowing I have a family who loves me, friends who are behind me, people who love me for who I am, despite the flaws. Wow. That just means so much.
Losing something I had so much hope in is just so difficult. But knowing and believeing that there's a bigger purpose, well, that's what keeps me going.
I tried to read your all's blogs. I want to keep up with everyone. Just no time to comment tonight. I just had a late night tonight and I even made myself workout when I got home at 7:30PM! I wanted that sticker!! ha ha
I can't say enough how much I love and appreciate you all. Thank you.
I was back down to 192.5 this morning. Pretty cool. I needed that to help keep me focused on what I'm trying to do here.
I went to sleep last night at around 8:40PM but then I woke up a little after midnight and tossed and turned til about 3 or 4 in the morning. I quit looking at the clock. I still could feel the headache during the night and wondered whether or not I should call a sub for today. I'm glad I didn't. Being around kids all day really helped keep my mind in a better place.
I picked up some Tylenol PM for tonight and also got a DVD player so that I could work out. But I can't hook it up! I followed the simple diagram but it's not working! So I left it for a while. I'll try again in a bit.
A good thing - I'm sure this will turn out to be one, but right now it just hurts. A lot. My friends at work were so sweet and kind and they say the nicest things, you know, because they're friends and they HAVE to! ha ha But I am grateful for all of my friends. Here and there.
Well, I guess I'll head back to the other room to fight with the DVD player some more. I need to keep pushin' on.
I have a headache. I've spent most of the day crying. I wasn't going to post about it because I feel like such a baby. I should be stronger. I should know better. But love can just freakin' HURT sometimes!
I gave in and called J this afternoon. I wasn't going to. I was just going to let it be. But I felt like I needed to know one way or the other what was going on. (I'm sorry - this has NOTHING to do with weight loss, but I have to let it out somewhere!)
He says he thinks the "timing" is off. He says he doesn't know why he does what he does or doesn't do what he doesn't do. He didn't have any real answers except for that we need to back off of "us" and if it's meant to be, it'll happen.
Oh you guys, I think that hurts more than telling me it's over. I can't stand the waiting, the wondering, the hoping, the disappointment. I don't know what to do.
Funny thing is, I haven't eaten a thing all day either. I worked out this morning before church then had a mini bagel w/ cream cheese. Then that's it. That never happens to me! I can usually eat through anything! I have a Kashi pizza in the oven now though because I need to eat something, whether I feel like it or not. I still need to take care of myself.
I know that God will work this all out for good. I am trying to find peace in knowing that He has good plans for me. I am praising Him and thanking Him for that. If this is a test, then I want to pass it. I want to live a life that is pleasing to Him and if that means letting J go, then I will. It won't be as easy as that, but I'll do it. God help me.
I had a pretty good eating day until I got home from work. Then the realization hit that I probably won't hear from J (I didn't.) So, I probably won't see him. (Right, again) And it made me sad or angry or upset or whatever the heck I was feeling. I'm not sure because I tried to eat it away. You know - that coping mechanism that got me here in the first place. I know better. I do. But sometimes it just gets the best of me.
After the mini binge (Yeah, it really wasn't horrible.) I decided I'd better quit wallowing and get my workout done. I picked a toughie - Cathe's Drill Max. I love that workout! It's tough, but soooo good! Well, the ol' belly was full so I couldn't push as hard as I like to and right in the middle I got an awful side stitch so I had to stop. I took a little break then tried to come back -there it was again. Ugh! I was so frustrated! So, I took another break and almost quit, but then I couldn't rightfully earn a sticker if I quit in the middle, right? So I went back to try to finish. I was moving right along when the DVD player conked out on me! Arrrrrrrrrghhh!!!!! What?! I was almost to the end. Just about to the stretch portion when I couldn't get the blasted thing to start up again. This is the dumb VCR/DVD combo player I have that the VCR went out on a little while back. It was cheap. I guess you get what you pay for! Bleh. It just wasn't happening for me tonight. I gave up, showered, brushed my teeth so that I wouldn't eat anymore and here I am complaining!
So, I didn't have a nutritious dinner. I didn't get in all of the requirements of my plan. I didn't get a very good workout in. I'm pretty bummed. And the whole J thing just makes it all worse.
I know it seems that I'm always griping about him -or "us." He's a really good man. Really. Honestly. Our issues don't have anything to do with him treating me badly. Our biggest issue is that we don't know how to communicate! We don't argue. We don't fight. We have a lot of respect for each other. But I think we do a lot of ignoring and accepting and avoiding. So when an issue comes up, his way of dealing with things is to distance himself. He just needs time away to "figure things out." And I try to understand that, but really, I don't. In my mind, if we're really a "couple," we should be working on things together, not apart. But I let him do what he needs to do and in the meanwhile, I feel isolated and alone and I don't like it. I don't think he means to hurt me at all.
I don't know. Maybe if I had a really good idea of what a GOOD relationship was, I'd have more to go on. I don't know when you're supposed to say "Enough is enough." I don't know when to really stand up for what I want and demand that I get it or I'm gone. I spent 5 years of my life with a man - doing everything I could think of to make him love me, and I just couldn't. You can't force anyone to love you. That I did learn! Him leaving me was the best thing he could have done for me. I see that now. But when you're smack dab in the middle of something, it's so hard to see.
Don't have anything fantastic to report. I'm eating OK - within POINTS anyway. Been exercising. I love seeing all of the stickers on my calendar! Whenever I feel like skipping I think of the blank space that'll be staring back at me and I just won't have it!!
J and I are on the fritz again. Eh. I don't know about this anymore. I'm so tired of being the fixer-upper all of the time. Why are men so....DUMB?! I'm not worrying about it anymore. For REAL this time. If it's meant to be, it'll work somehow. I'm just leaving it be. I think I'm worth fighting for so if he wants me he'd better fight!
Ha! How full of myself did I just sound there?!
I'm just rambling now. I'm going to go shower so I can check out "Moment of Truth" - that new game show on Fox. Looks interesting. We'll see.
Weight was down this morning - 196.5 from 199 last week. Yeah, that's good, but it was still one pound MORE than 2 weeks ago. Still, I need to not look at it that way and just be happy that I'm reversing the stupid binge damage!
Eating's been fairly on track. I went to the movies again with a friend on Saturday and had popcorn. I had eaten very lightly during the day so that I could fit it in, though! I'm sorry, but I just have to have popcorn at the movies! This time we saw Mad Money. It was cute. I love going to the movies!
Grandma was transferred to another hospital. Turned out her heart was fine so the doctor sent her to get some neurological tests, but wasn't very hopeful that they'd ever figure out exactly what happened. I got to talk to her on Friday and she sounded pretty good. She just said that she was always sleepy. But she should be released to go back home today. That's good news.
Other than that, there's not a whole lot going on.
I really appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers concerning my grandma. She is still in the heart hospital in Tucson. I don't know if that's the actual name of the hospital - it's what my Mom called it! They want to keep here for a couple of days and run tests and see if they can figure out what happened. My Mom said she was being grouchy so I took that as a good sign! So, she's back to being herself, which is good, but they want to keep her to really check her out. I am relieved. I am such a pessimist, I just get to thinking the worst whenever I get some upsetting news. I need to learn to change that! So, I thought I may have to make a trip to Tucson, but I think my grandma will be fine. Praise God!
So tonight was our monthly girls' night. I wasn't sure if I was going to go or not, but after finding out that everything was fairly OK< I decided to go ahead. We went to the movies first and watched P.S. I Love You. Oh my goodness! We all cried! It was a really good movie, I thought. Then we had dinner. I gave in and shared some buttered popcorn with one of my friends at the movies so for dinner I just ate half a sandwich and some soup. Still, I'm sure I went over my POINTS and I didn't get to work out today. BUT I don't feel totally horrible about it. I enjoyed reading txlass's post yesterday about "enjoying the ride" of this weight loss journey. It isn't always going to be perfect and I need to learn how to quit beating myself up about my off plan choices. Of course, I also need to quit making so many of them!
Working out. Ms. betty asked me whether I've always loved exercise and rather than hog up all of her comments space with my answer, i figured I'd post it here. I know she'll read it! I never really did any structured exercise until I was in college. I hated PE in school and although I dabbled in intramural sports in mid school, I was always a chubby girl so I was super self-conscious about my size and ability, so I quickly gave all of it up in favor of becoming a bookworm!
I went to junior college in my hometown but planned to finish up my education at a university a couple of hours away. Before leaving home I just had this idea of getting a fresh start and leaving the "old me" behind. I had never had a boyfriend, didn't even kiss a boy until I was 19!!! (This is terribly embarrassing!) And I was ready to change that and the only way I knew how was to lose weight and "get pretty." So, I went on a low fat diet, which was the new craze back then. And my Mom somehow got ahold of a Richard Simmons "Sweatin' to the Oldies" VHS tape for me. (I posted about this once on Glory's blog!)
For once in my life I stuck to a diet long enough to see actual results and I went from a size, oh, probably 16 back then to a size 11! I would change into my same workout outfit every day ( My Mom washed it for me!) after work and do that same Richard Simmons tape day after day after day. I loved it. I learned to love it because I knew I was doing something good for myself and I knew it was working because it got easier. My breathing wasn't as heavy. I could do the whole thing without taking any breaks. I had never felt so good about myself!
So really, since that good ol' Richard Simmons tape I have loved exercise. There have been periods since then that I haven't done it, for reasons I won't go into here. But whenever I get back into it, I do enjoy it. It's something I really miss when I don't do it, like tonight. I love weight training and seeing my body change and feeling the muscles (albeit under the fat!) I love cardio and pushing myself harder. I really truly get a rush from it all!
OK, this has gotten waaaaay long tonight! Just, once again, thank you all for your kind comments. I love you all and appreciate what unbelievably wonderful women you all are! Have a fantastic Friday tomorrow y'all!
This is really crazy. Right before I worked out tonight I got some upsetting news. I doubted whether I should even work out or not, but figured that sitting around worrying wouldn't help anything. So, I got my stuff out and worked out. I set my heart rate monitor and got busy.
I did a Cathe strength workout - just weight training, no cardio. It was a new workout and I worked fairly hard. When I finished, I checked my heart rate monitor and it indicated that I had burned over 900 calories!!! Say what?! how could that even be?
I've used it (the right way!) a few times before and it's always been accurate, as far as I could guess. But what is up with 900some calories?! Could my heart have been racing harder than normal from the bad news?! I can't figure this one out. I'd love to hear any thoughts you all have about this.
The news was that they're transporting my grandma to Tucson to have her heart checked out. My uncle went to check on her this afternoon and he couldn't wake her. He called my Mom over and they could tell she was breathing but she just wouldn't wake up! They called 911, went to the ER and she woke up and became alert but they wanted her to go to Tucson for some tests because obviously something wasn't quite right. My grandma is 80-some years old and not in the best of health. So, yeah, I'm worried. I'm praying everything will be OK.
Bleh. It just wasn't happening for me tonight. I gave up, showered, brushed my teeth so that I wouldn't eat anymore and here I am complaining!
Maybe if I had a really good idea of what a GOOD relationship was, I'd have more to go on. I don't know when you're supposed to say "Enough is enough." I don't know when to really stand up for what I want and demand that I get it or I'm gone. I spent 5 years of my life with a man - doing everything I could think of to make him love me, and I just couldn't. You can't force anyone to love you. That I did learn! Him leaving me was the best thing he could have done for me. I see that now. But when you're smack dab in the middle of something, it's so hard to see.
I never really did any structured exercise until I was in college. I hated PE in school and although I dabbled in intramural sports in mid school, I was always a chubby girl so I was super self-conscious about my size and ability, so I quickly gave all of it up in favor of becoming a bookworm!