I have fallen prey :(...(why cannot I not use the frowny face icon and then keep typing?) Anyway...

 

I have two sisters. I am the middle one. My older sister was stick thin all her life, all through high school. She gained weight with her pregnancies and now carries it in her belly, mainly. She's not happy about it, but doesn't ever seem motivated to do anything about it.

 

My little sister was always very active and athletic throughout her school years. She became pregnant very young and has had two more children since. She's yo-yoed with her weight but always takes drastic measures to lose the extra. She's very thin now but never "feels" thin enough.

 

Me, I've been overweight since 1st grade. When I was very young I got terribly ill and since we lived in a border town, my aunt began taking me to Mexico to some doctor who for some God-forsaken reason began giving me steroid shots! Well, my weight ballooned and I almost died. I don't know how all of that affected me, but I've been overweight since! I guess I'm blaming the steroids! ;)

 

Anyway...

 

My little sister, who never thinks she's thin enough, began taking some diet pills from across the line. I swore on my life that I would NEVER take another Mexican drug for as long as I lived. This summer I had gotten so fed up with myself that I didn't care..."Bring 'em on!" I told her...and she did.

 

The first time I took a pill it was really amazing! My mom had made my favorite meal for my dad for Father's Day and I could barely finish my first serving. I was HOOKED! I began taking a pill daily, started eating less, and began losing weight. Well, no sooner had I made the pill a part of my routine than she couldn't get them anymore! They had been discontinued. This sent my sister into a frenzy looking for a replacement. She found a different pill and so we began to take it. It didn't seem as effective. Then she learned about another pill and bought it so I did too. It seemed to work for the first couple of days.

 

Then she read about apple cider vinegar and began drinking that. So I tried it too. All it did was give me a stomache ache! And most recently, we started drinking a tea that my boyfriend SWEARS helped him lose 30 pounds.

 

What's next?

 

Meanwhile, I joined Weight Watchers, began eating better food and exercising, albeit inconsistently, and as long as I followed the program, I lost weight. So, what makes me think I need a gimmick? I need to give it all up and do the work to get the results I want. I KNOW that...but it's soooooo HARD! (<----My students aren't allowed to say those words in my classroom!)

 

This weekend my family was visiting and then the fella got sick on Monday and I spent two days looking after him. Needless to say, I can't seem to get myself on track. I want to so badly. I can see the difference that 20 pounds has made and want so desperately to take back the control and continue on, but am having a heck of a time doing....and I guess I keep hoping that one of the gimmicks will work and save me all the trouble!

 

Ugh...

Unexpected meeting after work. Bogged down with work. Someone suggested Mexican food. I didn't choose to say no.

 

Excuses? Sounds like it to me.

 

I have another meeting tomorrow. A planned dinner out after that. So, now what?

 

Ugh.

 

The whole point of my starting to blog again was to commit to do what I need to do to be successful at weight loss and better health.

 

I did make a profound self discovery this evening while talking with a friend though. Maybe it'll help me to better realize what I'm doing and find ways to nip it in the bud. We were talking about retirement (I wish!) And saving money for it. (We're both single so we have to think of how we'll take care of ourselves.) Money talk led to savings talk, bills, credit cards, etc. Well, for the last several months I've been pretty diligent with Weight Watchers. Except for a couple of weeks at Christmas, I had been attending meetings EVERY week and actually losing weight every week. Even if it was just a fraction of a pound.

 

Well, while my eating had been in check, my spending had not. I had gotten kind of careless and was doing a lot of frivolous spending on things that I wanted and had no desire to wait for. Thoughts of "I deserve this...I work hard...I don't have to answer to anybody" justified what I was doing. It seems that when I realized I needed to quit the money wasting and reel in the spending that I started overdoing the eating again. And because of the overeating I started avoiding my WW meetings and then justifying the gains because I'd been off track for two weeks. "I deserved the chocolate...I've worked hard at losing weight, I can take a "break"...blah, blah, blah...

 

Isn't that crazy?

 

Makes me think of when I was trying out the balance games on my Wii Fit, I always got the "UNBALANCED" result! Ain't that the truth?! ha!

 

So, when it's not eating or spending, then I'm overworking. I'm always overdoing SOMEthing. Now I need to figure out how to seriously stop it and find that balance...

I've been going to Weight Watchers meetings since August and have managed to drop 21 pounds since then. Lately, though, I'm at that "I don't wanna..." place again. So, I'm back to blog it out. Hoping for the push I need to keep going.
My "unofficial" weight this week is 225. I didn't attend my meeting though so this is an at home scale weight. I'll start my graph when I weigh in on Saturday. So yeah, I started at 246. Ouch!

 

I did track my POINTS today and stayed on target. I didn't exercise though. I really need to get more consistent with the exercise. I finally cancelled my gym membership and bought myself a Wii and a treadmill. I enjoy both a whole lot. I just always feel crunched for time in the evenings and getting up early has never worked for me. These are both poor excuses, I realize, but that's what goes on in my head.

So, that's why I'm here. To make myself accountable to myself. Tomorrow is March 1st and a perfect day to begin a solid workout program. My goal: Cardio on M,W,F and Strength Training on T & Th. Saturday is for fun cardio like the Wii and Sunday is usually a rest day. That's the plan. So, tomorrow I will be back to report how it went. No excuses. No quitting. Here I go...yet again!

I got to the gym early so I could get the "grand tour" - a requirement for using the free day pass. Then I sat and waited for my friend and for class to start. I chatted with a super nice woman who was using the raquetball court. I seriously thought I could join this gym...I almost went and spoke to the fella so I could get the paperwork started before class...but I stopped myself (I'm so darned impulsive sometimes.) Anyway, we're in the room getting ready for class to start - friend shows up right when the instructor gets there so we just jumped into the workout without getting a chance to chat. Well, Zumba instructor puts her music on and starts moving...everyone starts trying to mimic her moves...she never says A WORD! No cueing, no intro, no NOTHIN'! It was like she was working out on her own and we were all just trying to guess what came next...it was ridiculous. I hung in there for about 25 minutes but all I was doing mostly was marching in place. During a break I grabbed my things, said bye to my friend and left. Seriously, I have never walked out of an exercise class before but she was terrible! As I said in my title...FAIL!

 

BUT...this is what I did instead of going through a fast food drive-thru to deal with my disappointment. I came home, grabbed my other gym membership card and iPod and headed there for a workout on the treadmill. My gym is smaller...no raquetball courts, no pool, a lot less cardio equipment...but it was familiar and I got a nice little workout in. So...that was good. I've been thinking about canceling my membership since my contract is up and I've worked out there only maybe a month's worth of times during my two year commitment. But I think I'll hang onto it. It's only 20 bucks a month. PLUS, we took a Zumba class there once and the instructor was TERRIFIC! So, I'm planning to go back to her class tomorrow. The whole reason I joined there in the first place was because I wanted to try Spinning. And I LOVED it, but it's just another thing that I loved and quit. I think I'd pass out now if I tried, but I'm going to work my way towards it again.

 

Food today, eh...wish I could give myself a gold star, but I can't. I'm not going to dwell on it though. Tomorrow is Tuesday and I said I'd weigh in on Tuesdays so I will. It won't be pretty...how sad that I've wasted yet another week...but I'm going to do it. I'm going to find my way through all of this somehow.

That is the promise I am making to myself. I will complete ONE day of on program eating and exercise tomorrow. I will log all of my eating in eTools and stick to my daily POINTS. I am meeting a friend for Zumba in the morning. I got a one day pass to her gym. She wants me to join but I am already a member of a gym I don't go to, do I really need to to join another one? I don't know...for now, I am only thinking of ONE day.

I don't know what it's going to take for me to change. REALLY change. I just don't seem to have the motivation. And I honestly don't want it to take something drastic for me to see the light. I see the light...it's way off in the distance somewhere. I see it, I know it's there, but I don't want to do what it takes to get there.

 

I got up all gung ho Tuesday morning. Reset my weights in eTools and weighed in for a new starting point. I was just sickened by what I saw on that scale. And you would think that would be enough for me to change. It wasn't...I just kept thinking..."I have to lose nearly 50 pounds to get myself below 200!!! How the @$%^ am I going to do that?!"

 

I know you're not supposed to look at the big picture. I should make a small goal and reach for that and when I meet it, I make a new mini goal. Easy enough, right? I KNOW...yet it isn't.

 

I'm not throwing in the towel, though. That's one thing I decided I would never do. I just don't FEEL well lately. I'm thinking it's all the extra weight and unhealthy eating. My stomach always hurts- not full-on PAIN, just always an achey feeling, sometimes nauteous -and I'm TIRED...physically tired all the time. When I first started feeling this way I blamed it on work...I was super stressed and just attributed it all to that, but now there really should be no reason for it. I'm getting plenty of rest and really have nothing to be stressed about.

 

It's nearly time for my yearly physical and I'm thinking I'll just wait until then to see my doctor about this. And I keep thinking that if I just start eating right I'll feel better. I don't know....

 

Tomorrow's another day.

I woke up this morning and realized that a lack of a plan is not a good thing. Duh. And I really shouldn't say "this morning" because I didn't get out of bed until noon. NOON!!! What is that?! I'm not in college...I'm not a teenager for Heaven's sake! What am I doing getting up at noon? It's this whole summer schedule of mine. I stay up 'til all hours because I can and then I can't get up in the morning...or I choose not to because I have nothing urgent to do. But it makes me feel all blah so I have to work on changing that...

 

So anyway, I haven't done any serious grocery shopping. I'd been surviving these last few weeks on fast food and convenience foods and there was not a fruit to be found in my house. There was; however, junk food to be found and I felt that I had to dispose of it properly (translation: eat it) before I could begin my healthy food regimen. Bad choice for sure...like I said, a lack of plan is just not good. I did make a quick trip for some fresh fruit and healthy snacks this evening. I still need to make a list and make a "serious" trip!

 

OK. So. My plan will be to start back on my Weight Watchers plan tomorrow. TO_MO_RROW!!! For sure. I will make Tuesdays my weigh-in days. I still subscribe to eTools and will be tracking my POINTS and weight on there. I dread this initial weigh-in, but it will be done.

 

I'm really excited to be posting on here again. It's helped me tremendously before and I hope it will do the same again. I enjoy writing and it helps me work out the things that are going on in my head. I am absolutely THRILLED about having some familiar friends along for the ride: Darkling and GCQMom...I am sooooooooo happy to hear from you both and will be coming by soon to visit each of you. I am also excited about meeting new friends.

It feels like it's been that long since I've posted here. And I've gained at least that many pounds... I don't want this to be about feeling sorry for myself or making excuses. I'm tired of singing the same old song over and over again. But I guess being tired is something I've become really good at.

 

I've been thinking about the times in my life when I've set my mind to it and have lost a good amount of weight. Every time I've done it, I've had this driving force providing a deep determination that helped me do it. I haven't been able to dredge up that force to save my life. I keep sitting around waiting for it to come over me. It's not happening. There's a vague desire in me that wants to get back on program...ANY program, lose weight, get healthy...but it's just that...a faint desire. What's wrong with me?

 

Let me try to briefly recap my life this past year...

 

First of all, J and I are still together. Almost four years now and I have to say that between him and me, this last year has been the best. We've gotten to this awesome place where we actually understand each other, as much as any man and woman can...and it's wonderful. I trust him, and when something comes up that gives me any shadow of a doubt, I can talk to him about it, and that's HUGE for me. I'm usually one to shut down, think the worst, and wallow in self pity. It's not happening anymore and it's great. And even at the weight I am now he finds me attractive and I frequently have to slap him off of me!  Still, I love him and he loves me...(yes, he's even SAID it!!) I love what we have. But we're kind of at a stalemate as far as the whole "M" word. I love the IDEA of being his wife one day but after being on my own this long, I'm just scared silly of actually doing it. I think he feels the same way. So, I kind of battle with that whole thing from time to time, but overall, I'm in a pretty darn good relationship and I feel extremely blessed that I stuck it out with him (and vice versa!)

 

My job...ugh! It was a very difficult year. I was teaching a bilingual 2nd/3rd grade split that wasn't really a split...I had more second graders. I almost killed myself trying to figure out how to be effective in that role but I never quite figured it out and feel like I totally failed my kiddos this year. It was basically a year of beating my head against the wall. Thankfully, I was paired up with a teacher next door to me who was trying to do the same thing but with 3rd and 4th grade. We became good friends. I've worked with her for several years but this year we got to know each other a lot better and she beame my saving grace! So this year I had her and two other teammates/friends who helped make work a whole lot more tolerable. Long story short (yeah, right!) we're moving classrooms next year so she won't be next door anymore  and on top of that my other two best friends who I've taught with for the last several years BOTH retired this year. Ugh! So I've been really sad about that. My friend M and I also "split up." I'm not really sure exactly what happened between us other than we lived our lives in very different ways and one day she just became very cordial with me and we became nothing more than professional colleagues. I've been mourning that friendship for a while now and like any woman, I've tried to analyze it to death. I miss her, for sure, but I guess some people weren't meant to be in your life forever.

 

There's so much more, I guess...I just suck at being brief! What brought all of this to a head today and led me back here was this woman at church this morning. She came in and sat down and commented that her legs were sore. Come to find out that she had RUN 4 miles this morning with her dogs...she said she usually runs about 6 but had to cut it short so that she could get ready for church. (Yeah, it was all I could do to get my butt out of bed at 7:15 so I could be there by 9!!) So we talked a little bit and the other woman sitting there and I laughed about how we didn't even WALK and kept saying "Wow" about the other woman running. THEN she tells us that she'll be 71 next month. Ummm...71!!! She blew us both right out of the water with that one...she looks GREAT! All I could think was that I won't even make it to that age if I don't get myself together. The other lady must have felt the same way I did because we got to talking about how she was only 40 and had already had a heart attack. We decided to get together this week and go for a hike. So, I left church today happy that I had met a couple of new nice women...it's very hard for me to open up to people (hard to tell, I know!!) And just decided that I need to stop this nonsense already.

 

J invited me to his sister's house after church and I said, "Why don't YOU go..." and he said, "I really want you to go with me." (He usually gives up after I say no once.) I asked him why he was making a big deal this time. "You always say no, " he said, "so I don't hassle you." He's right, I do always say no. Well, not ALWAYS...but often. And the only reason is that I don't like to be around people. I worry about how I'm dressed, about how much fat is spilling over when I sit down, whether we have to eat in front of anybody, blah, blah, blah....and I'm tired of feeling that way. Needless to say, I went with him and it was fine. It always is. Surprisingly enough, no one points and laughs at me. Still, I want to change. I want to feel good in my body. So, I'm going to embark on this journey once again. I don't have a solid plan. Weight Watchers has always been my plan of choice, but something always goes awry...so, we'll see. My downfall lately has been that I keep thinking I need to have a plan before I start, and, granted, it would probably be a good idea to have some sort of plan....but I'm going to go with "Eat Less, Move More...." I'll figure it out as I go along.

 

So, here I go again, my friends. I will be back tomorrow with a progress report.

I'm about to tell you what's been up with me....this may take a while!

 

Work: School's over but my classroom sits in disarray. I am moving into a different classroom and will be teaching a multi-age 2nd/3rd grade combo. I am terribly nervous about this, but because of low numbers of bilingual students, this has become our fate. I still have packing to do but decided to take the day off. I have had more important thinngs to do today! I'll go back in tomorrow and try to finish up.

 

Personal: J and I are giving it another shot. What it comes down to is that I am miserable without him but just as miserable, for different reasons, with him! I gave in and contacted him after three months apart. I just needed to get some things off my chest so that I could let go. He responded with an apology and wanted to get back together. I had a whole set of conditions that I promised myself I'd place on him before that were ever to happen. They went out the window as soon as I saw him again. It was ok then, not so much now, a month or so later. Things are back to being the way they were and I feel helpless about it all. I'm at his mercy. I know how hard things were without him. I hate that I am this woman. This woman who continues to stay with a man because she doesn't want to be alone. That's who I am right now. Which leads me to...

 

Transformation: I've signed up to do the transformation challenge and I can't even begin to describe my excitement! I am so ready to change and this promises to help me do it from the inside out! I have gained a tremendous amount of weight this year (since last summer) and it all has little to do with food. I have eaten out of so many more reasons other than hunger. A trip to a fast food place has become a daily occurence. I am tired of hating myself and treating myself poorly. I do it so I keep allowing others to do it as well. I'm ready to become strong and to fix all the things in my life that I keep allowing to disappoint me. My challenge starts officially on Monday.

 

Gadgets: Yes, this gets its own category!! I got a GoWear Fit! If you haven't heard of it, it's a gadget similar to what the Biggest Loser contestants wear (it's made by the same company) to track calories burned, steps taken, and even sleep patterns! I slept like crap last night and my gadget told me that this morning! I've been wearing it on my arm for the last two days. I burned lots of calories yesterday because I was at work packing but since I've been home on the computer today, I've only burned about 1500 and have taken about the same number of steps. I haven't started tracking my food in calories yet. I just wanted to get a feel for what a regular day is like. So, I am excited to have this little doodad to help me reach my goals!

 

I guess that about sums it all up. I am not going to do Weight Watchers anymore. I am going to be tracking calories and trying to eat as clean as possible. I just want to find something I can stick with forever and that works for me. I want to see progress....I want to be WELL, in ALL areas of my life!