I'm moving. Cleaning and sorting and packing and purging. It's been a lot of work. Through the process I decided to sell a lot of my books and DVDs on amazon and ebay. I figured a little extra cash would come in quite handy for moving. At first I didn't want to part with my stuff but then I looked at my bookshelf holding countless diet books and "change your self" books, and I thought, "What are you hanging on to?" So, they've been selling and getting shipped off to other hopeful hands. I just don't see the need for any of it anymore.
I am so quick to purchase the latest diet book, follow the hottest weight loss fad, hope in the next new miracle exercise plan. When really, I don't need any of it. What I really need has to come from within. So, I'm letting go of the "stuff." I'm looking at this move as a new start. Now, I've not gotten completely crazy. I'm keeping my Cathe's and favorite FIRMs along with several Leslie's WATP for those easier days. But the rest of it can go.
I watched the Oprah show the other day with The Biggest Loser contestants. I was both inspired and sympathetic. All of them had gained weight back, even if just a little for some. But Matt and Suzy made the point that struck home. If you don't get it right in your mind, it's not going to stick. That seems to be my problem.
I'm back "there" again. Back to that heavy, miserable weight. I'm sure I've regained every ounce and then some. Part of me is comfortable here. Part of me loves the familiar. The me that is invisible to the world. It's kind of nice to be anonymous. It's what I've been for most of my life. It's what I know. The thinner me is almost like a role I play. A role I can only act out for so long before eating my way back up to "normal."
My friend M invited me to do some things this weekend. I declined. Used the "I need to pack" excuse. I don't want to be seen. I don't want to be out there.
J is in Africa. AFRICA! He went with a team from church. He's been working really hard to raise the money to go. I am really proud of him but miss him terribly. Still, part of me is glad that he won't be inviting me to any family get togethers or group pot lucks or what have you. I don't want to be seen. I don't want to be out there.
I use my busyness and loneliness as excuses to eat. I dread getting dressed in the morning. I live such a contradiction. I don't entirely WANT to be fat, but I'm doing nothing to change it. Instead, I keep feeding it.
Anyway, that's what's going on with me. I move in two weeks and until then I'm sure there will be no exercise, no weight loss, no real reason to blog on a weight loss site. I love you all and read up on you when I can. One day I'll be back in fighting form. I won't give up on that. It's just not now.
So, I've run into a minor glitch in my plan. I have PAIN! I think I overdid it with trying to workout so feverishly. Yes, 2 days in a row is now considered feverish! ha! My leg hurts. It's the same one I had hurt before and now it's fine once I get up and get moving,. but if I sit for a while and then try to get up and walk, it hurts! So, I need to ease up on the exercise, I think and just be patient with myself. It's frustrating that I can't just pick up where I left off, but it won't be the end of my commitment!
I tried a new recipe tonight that looked super yummy. Just some random thing from a flyer I got in the mail. I worked out the POINTS online yesterday, got the stuff, and came home tonight and got to cooking. Well, I flubbed a part of it up, but the other part still worked and was yummy. So, I tried to refigure POINTS but I ended up having to guesstimate. I hate not being super accurate. I have to work on this because life is not super accurate. An educated guess here and there is going to work out fine. Still, it bugs me.
But other than these glitches, things are going fine. It's really amazing how once I set my mind and decide that I'm going to do something, it's not that hard to stick to it. I haven't been dealing with unmanageable cravings for all of the junk food that I had been eating. Only 4 days in, but I just feel so much better already. And it makes me go back to the whys. Why on Earth would I keep myself from this for so long?
Pfffffffft. Who knows?
It's kinda late now and I have a mess to clean up in the kitchen. I can't cook without making a huge mess! I'm going to skip the workout and clean up so I can enjoy Grey's Anatomy later. I counted volleyball last night as a mini workout. I laughed more than anything. We are so bad and they beat us by a landslide but it was hilarious. We have fun! But even laying in bed last night my leg was aching, so a litlle rest might be in order.
When we went to Disneyland this summer, my then 3 month old niece went along, of course. My sister was trying to feed her but she didn't seem to want it, so my sister says to her, "No wannit?" And the little phrase just caught on. So, everytime we didn't want something or didn't want to do something, we'd say, "No wannit!" It's silly but we still do it.
Well, today I went shopping. I wasn't going to. But I had finally given in and donated all of my old "fatter" clothes to Goodwill this summer. Well, now I'm in this predicament again. So, I decided that while I once again embark upon this journey, I wasn't going to try to squeeze myself into smaller clothes every day as punishment. I would go and find some stuff on clearance that could tide me over. I would do the best to feel as good as I could in what Iw as wearing.
At K-Mart I was looking at the plus-size clothing and they had some really cute things. But I held up a top and said to myself, "No wannit!" I seriously did say that without even thinking. Then I giggled. But I really don't want to be buying the bigger clothes anymore. I did find some nice pants that I can wear to work at CATO. Do you all have CATOs where you're at?! They have great stuff and new stuff all the time. And their clearance is fabulous. So now I don't have to be all pinched and squuezed and uncomfortable. But that's it. It's just "hold me over" clothes. I'm not going to keep buying bigger clothes. NO WANNIT!
Eating was perfectly on plan yesterday. I did the FIRM's Dangerous Curves Ahead workout. It was fun.
Today I've been on track and have logged everything. So far so good! I can even feel the change in my mood and attitude. Feels so much better than the last several months. I have a plan. I am taking action. Oh! And the best part of today so far? I CATHEd!!!!! Yes, I did. Granted, it was one of her shorter "beginner" workouts (And it kicked my booty!) But i did it. And I'm feeling good.
Tomorrow's volleyball. I didn't make it last week because I got sick but I'm planning to be there tomorrow.
As always, I thank you all for the "Atta girls." You know I appreciate 'em. I'm keeping up with everyone, just need to make my way around to comment. I have report cards, academic improvement contracts, and parent-teacher conferences to get through, but I just wanted to check-in and update.
I've been in it all day. Last night I tried on some of my more "forgiving" size 14 pants. I got 'em up, zipped, and buttoned. I even got to feeling a bit cocky, "Hey, now, you haven't done all that bad!"
Well, I never even thought about trying on the top that I ironed to go with the pants! As I was buttoning it up this morning I thought, "Oh no, this is going to be tight!" And it was. I didn't have enough time to dig out something else, I had to go with what I had on.
I did put on a sweater over it and that was ok for morning duty, but once inside the classroom I was too hot. (Fat plus getting over a cold = higher temperature!) So, the whole day I avoided sitting down in front of my students because I knew my top wouldn't hold together. I was so embarrassed, so ashamed of myself. There has to be a point where I say no more. I'm not doing this anymore. I won't live this way.
This is my point. NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I couldn't wait to get out of there and head home. And even after such a miserable day I still had thoughts of stopping at Sonic or McDonald's to "drown the sorrow." Thankfully, I fought it. Came home, put on my workout clothes because I WILL workout today and then got online to sign up for my Weight Watchers eTools again. Oh, and come here.
That's enough. I've had it, y'all. I'm gonna beat this demon of mine to death once and for all. It's interfering with every aspect of my life and I sit back and let it. NO MORE!!!!!!!!
And no more pity parties. NO MORE!!!!!
And no more ifs, ands, or buts. NO MORE!!!!!
And no more wondering, guessing, debating which plan to follow. NO MORE!!!!!!!
I will do Weight Watchers because it's what I know and it works for me. If, along the way, I need to do some tweaking, fine. But for now, I will log every POINT and stick to it no matter what!!!!!!!
I'm in this for good. Life is crazy. It's always going to be crazy. But if I can do this for myself. If I can have this constant in my life, then I will be that much better for it.
I almost talked myself out of doing this. The holidays are approaching. It's going to be sooooo hard. Just wait 'til New Year's! But you know what? NO!!!!!! I could come up withe xcuses for the rest of my life and I'm not doing it anymore. Poor me, poor me. NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!
I was all about that the other night, wasn't I? Sorry about that. I spent the whole day inside, alone, watching movies and eating junk food. Sounds like a great day but it really wasn't. Time alone, with my thoughts, sometimes ends in a very bad place.
I'm glad I let it out though, it helps. I'm really ok. I made myself get up and out on Sunday. Went to church, great service! Then J and I went to a get-together. This time I went happily. It was a nice time. I still felt enormous but he doesn't seem to notice. I love that about him. I know I'm not very nice about him sometimes. I guess I just want what you see in the movies sometimes and it's not like that. There's lots of good stuff though.
I'm sorry, TatumsMom, but I broke my promise. I didn't work out today. I worked late to try to catch up on some things then brought more stuff home to do. An excuse, I know. But that's all I've got right now.
I don't think I've mentioned that I'm on our staff volleyball team. We play on Wednesdays. I've never been brave enough to do such a thing before. This year I thought, what the heck? So, at least I'm getting an itsy bit of movement once a week. Sooo not enough, I know, but it's something.
I've been taking my jug of water to work with me almost every day. I used to finish that whole thing every day when I was on track. Now I bring it back home nearly full. I'm getting maybe one or two glasses of water in a day. BUT I'm at least making the effort to fill it and haul it with me.
Eating's still crap. Every day I promise to do better. Every day I fail. I've got hold of the all or nothing attitude and can't seem to shake it. If I'm not going to do it 100% right then I'm going to screw it up royally. I hate that.
And I'm not entirely sure why. I've spent the day trying to mask the pain with food, but it just makes things worse. That's not a new revelation for me, I know the consequences of my choices. I'm just going to spew stuff here, so if any of it makes sense, I'll be surprised...
J. I love J dearly but he doesn't love me. At least not the way I want him to. He gave me nothing for my birthday. Not that things are in any way important to me. But still...He left two cards on my windshield though. I never even saw him that day. He went to the football game instead. I pretended not to care. I had my parents here and M came over and had dinner with us. It was nice, it really was, but I can't help but notice how insignificant I seem to be in Js life. To be fair and to tell the whole story, we had been fighting. Well, not exactly fighting because we don't really fight. I was upset with him and he didn't know why and I don't talk. I keep it all in and he tries to figure it out but he doesn't and so he just stays away. It's been this way for 2 years. I know him. I shouldn't expect anything different. But I guess I just hope that one of these times he'll put up some kind of a fight for me. Let me know that he gives a damn. But he doesn't. Put up a fight, I mean. He may or may not give a damn. I don't know. He asked me to forgive him. He doesn't even know what for, I'm sure. But I did. I forgave him. I pretend that I'm ok. But I'm not. He called tonight and invited me to a get-together at his sister's. I didn't go. I didn't go because I feel enormous. I didn't go because I want to get back at him for not being there for me. I didn't go because I don't know how to fake being ok anymore.
I found out this summer that my older sister is not really my Dad's daughter. We had been skeptical, my younger sister and I. She had found some letters one time that pretty much told the whole story. We kind of ignored it though. Still, we knew. Something happened and my Mom finally confessed to my younger sister. She's the one who told me. My Mom never did. It makes a lot of things clearer though, I guess. It doesn't really change the way I feel about my older sister. I still love her the same. I just feel very betrayed. Why'd it take 35 years to finally come out? My Dad and I have always had a special bond. I now understand why. I am his oldest daughter. Two of his grandsons don't even have any of his blood in them. It's odd. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it does. Secrets families keep. The lies they tell. It just all baffles me. I don't know why I wrote about that. I just needed to let go of it I guess.
I didn't grow up in a happy household. My Mom was angry a lot. Depressed maybe. My parents fought a lot. I never doubted they loved me, but who we were on the outside was a lot different from who we were when no one else could see us. My parents love each other in their own way. They're still together after nearly 40 years. They sleep in separate bedrooms and don't show much affection. My Mom is angry with him a lot. My dad can be hateful and extremely stubborn. And it's odd to me how much pleasure I get from just hearing them talk to each other. While they were here I was in my bedroom getting ready and I could hear them talking. I don't even know what about, but it made me happy. Is that weird? I think so. That's what I love when I go back home too. Those summer mornings when I try to sleep in and I hear them on the porch drinking their coffee and talking. I don't want a relationship like theirs, but yet, I have no real example of what a really good one should look like.
I just quit on myself. I quit believing that I deserve what I want. The love I want, the life I want, the health, the body, the family...everything. I gave up.
But somewhere in me today something just started yearning. I yearn desperately for the feelings I had when I was working out faithfully I want what I had when I was treating my body well. My life wasn't perfect then, I don't expect it ever will be. But I know that I can choose to be better. There are so many things that I have no control over. I can't change who the people around me choose to be, but I can change myself. I can choose to expect more for and from myself. Until I do, I will feel sorry for the way I lived out my childhood. I will stay in a relationship with a man who doesn't value me. I will keep trying to feed the regret in the hope that it will be smothered and I can be set free. It won't work that way.
This is all stuff I know. Taking the appropriate action has proven to be quite difficult. I'm depressed. I feel lost in a lot of ways. I quit reading my Bible and while I still talk to God throughout the day, I feel like there's a big wall between us. I did make myself sit and read today, but I don't remember anything. I read the words but that's all it was. I quit. I quit pushing for what I really want in my life because I don't feel that I deserve any better.
I'm sorry that I'm putting this all out there for you all to read. I know I said I wouldn't post anymore because I hated all of my own negativity. I just need to let it out and this is my outlet. I haven't commented on anyone's blogs because I don't feel like I have anything to offer. I kind of gave up on EP after it frustrated me too!
I really hope everyone's having a wonderful weekend!
Not just with weight loss, or lack thereof , but with this site. What I love most about EP is the support, the back and forth "atta girls" or "you're not alones." But with all of these slow to load pages, all of that falls by the wayside and we're all left kind of back on these little islands all by ourselves. We're all near each other but no contact is being made. I'm not happy about it! I miss you guys!
And a big WELCOME BACK to Chargail!!!! I am so happy to see you posting again. It's great to hear from you. You were sorely missed, my friend!
But thanks so much to those of you who made the "swim" over to wish me a Happy Birthday! It was a nice one. My parents came to visit and Mom made me my favorite dinner, so it was pretty special.
I have a lot going on right now. I may need to move. J and I are on the fritz again (so, what's new there?!), my friend M is having a really hard time and I'm doing my best to be a good friend to her and be there when/if she needs me. So, needless to say, I keep neglecting myself. I didn't even think about going back to Weight Watchers tonight. And we haven't been going to the gym. I feel so incredibly far from where I want to be. I'll probably quit posting here because I hate sounding so negative all of the time. It's like the same ol' broken record and it's just so old by now. But I love you all and I will keep up with google reader to read up on each of you.
I took it today. I was anxious to start, so after my dentist appointment that I sat and waited an HOUR after my scheduled time for, I headed on over to the Weight Watchers center and signed up.
Maybe it was that I was already in a bad mood from having to wait so long at the dentist's or maybe it was that after the leader handed me my card and I saw the number dreadfully close to my starting weight over a year ago, but I sat there thinking, "What the heck am I doing here?"
The meeting was made up of mostly older women who knew each other or had been attending together long enough to become friends. Well, these ladies just bugged the crap outta me! They had a comment or a joke after almost every sentence the leader spoke and then they'd all laugh and carry on. At one point during the meeting, one woman was holding another woman's jewelry while she weighed in and another woman spotted it and had to proclaim out loud just how beautiful it was and they proceeded to pass the jewelry around so that everyone could admire it!
Huh?
Meanwhile, the leader tried to maintain some structure and carried with the lesson about dancing and how dancing makes us feel good and burn calories and let's all find a dance class in the community.
I left in near tears.
I shoulda waited til tomorrow.
So, I don't know what I'm going to do now. I am going to follow the program. Getting the new materials did motivate me to get going, but I'm really disappointed that I didn't enjoy the meeting. I'd always gotten something out of them before.
So, that was my experience today. Darn. I had such high hopes. Stupid Monday.
I wish I could sometimes...just erase it all and start fresh. So, I did what I could with my blog. I deleted photos and got rid of the weight graph. I still plan on rejoining Weight Watchers on Tuesday. I'm gearing up for that. I'll try to take new "before" photos so that I can quit letting the past haunt me. I just looked at the "after" photos from January. Back then I didn't see much difference. I see it now.
I also have this picture in a frame in my classroom. It was taken in March at a wedding shower we threw for our new team member. There are five of us in the photo and for some reason half of me got cut off. When my friend gave me a copy of the picture I joked that I loved it because it only showed half of me! Then I took a closer look, and you know what? It wasn't half bad!(Ahhh! ha ha ha...what a great pun!) No, but seriously, I think that even if all of me would have come out, I wouldn't have entirely hated it, like I do with every other picture. So NOW I see that I had made serious progress back then. And it sucks that I threw it all away - in just a matter of months.
Still, dwelling on all that only makes it all harder so I will try not to. I will try to focus on the positive - I know what I am capable of. This time I will follow through and GET TO GOAL!
That said, I went to the gym today. I only worked out on the treadmill for about 35 minutes BUT I actually jogged some of it! I felt more confident doing so because there wasn't anybody else in the cardio room. I felt better knowing that I COULD still do it. Sometimes I feel like such an enormous whale and I con myself into thinking that I can't do stuff anymore.
I finally watched all of The Biggest Loser last night. What struck me the most was when the doctor was showing them the graphic of their organs being overtaken by all of that fat! Ugh! I just imagined the same thing happening inside of me and I was disgusted. And frightened. I want to change this. I really do.
I also watched Oprah. I'm not as faithful watching her show as I used to be, and I hope this doesn't sound catty, but I noticed that she's gained some weight back. I was looking at her and I actually hurt for her because I know that she must feel a little defeated too. It just goes to show that all the money in the world (which she just about has, doesn't she?!) won't help you lose weight. Not the trainers, not the professional chefs, nutritionists, whatever. When it comes down to it, YOU have to do the work. YOU have to fight the food demons all on your own. There are people to support and motivate and advise, but no one can actually lose it for you. I know a while back she said they had discovered a problem with her thyroid but then later she said it had been taken care of. Anyway, I know her struggle all too well.
This post will have nothing to do with weight loss. Why? Because I suck at it! Well, maybe I'll add something at the end...we'll see...
My boy - that student I have that I wrote about a little while back. Well, can I just say that I LOVE that kid? I do. I don't know what it is about him, but I've fallen hook, line, and sinker! Poor little guy is lower than dirt academically. (Is that mean for me to say as a teacher?) Well, he is. Asking him to write something is like telling him to fly an airplane. He has no idea! And he's always in trouble. Not in the classroom, but I send him out anywhere -PE, Music, recess- and 9 times outta 10 he comes back in some kind of trouble. I can see it in his face now. If something went wrong, he'll just give me this look...
The other day he came back all upset from PE. I steered him away from the other kids and asked him what was wrong. He started crying because he had gotten in trouble with Coach. "I said a bad word!" he told me. "And I don't know why because I don't say bad words!" It was so cute I wanted to laugh, but I couldn't let on that I thought it was funny. So we had a little talk about choices and handling our emotions.
In one ear and out the other...but I'll keep working with him. I'm not entirely sure what his home life is like, but he has a little trouble handling his anger. And he has this speech impediment and he mixes up his languages and I just couldn't adore him more. I was bringing the students in from outside this morning and he was running to catch up with us and I turned around to look at him and he says, "You forgot about me!"
"Oh no I didn't forget you!" I said. He just brightens my day. And today after PE he came back with another problem and after he told me all about it, I just hugged him. All these years of teaching, all the students who have come and gone, and this one has just tugged at my heart like no other.
And I like this class a lot. Even the little liar girl. (Sorry, that's probably mean too!) You'd think I'd resent her for what she did, but when it comes down to it, she's just a child and I can't expect her to reason like an adult.
I guess I'm posting all of this because I had a long talk with my friend M this evening. We missed each other after school and I thought she had gone home but she was at the gym waiting for me. I never made it. But anyway, we were talking about work stuff and she is just so tired of it all. She has a lot of stress in her personal life and work stuff has just gotten to be too much to handle and she's having a hard time. I listened. She said that if she left tomorrow, she wouldn't miss it. I hope and pray that things get better for her.
But I wondered if I left tomorrow, would I miss it? And, yes, I would. Not the paperwork, not the stress, not the testing, but the kids. I just love working with the kids.
So, like I mentioned, I missed the gym today. I ate like crap today. Our school counselor is a Weight Watchers receptionist. I asked her today if she was still doing it and she said yes then asked if I was thinking about going back. "Oh, I'm thinking about it," I said. Truth is, all of my rebellion is weighing me down. Literally. I don't want to count POINTS but I know that doing so will help me get a handle on things. So, the plan is to join on Tuesday (her night). And she works with a leader who I really love as well. I used to go to his meetings years ago and was very successful - until I started going through a divorce. So, I'm hoping that rejoining will give me the push I need to get this thing under control again. I'm really getting tired of these false starts!
I'm in this to win this!
I hate that. 
(Ahhh! ha ha ha...what a great pun!) No, but seriously, I think that even if all of me would have come out, I wouldn't have entirely hated it, like I do with every other picture. So NOW I see that I had made serious progress back then. And it sucks that I threw it all away - in just a matter of months.