A Million Years

It feels like it's been that long since I've posted here. And I've gained at least that many pounds... I don't want this to be about feeling sorry for myself or making excuses. I'm tired of singing the same old song over and over again. But I guess being tired is something I've become really good at.

 

I've been thinking about the times in my life when I've set my mind to it and have lost a good amount of weight. Every time I've done it, I've had this driving force providing a deep determination that helped me do it. I haven't been able to dredge up that force to save my life. I keep sitting around waiting for it to come over me. It's not happening. There's a vague desire in me that wants to get back on program...ANY program, lose weight, get healthy...but it's just that...a faint desire. What's wrong with me?

 

Let me try to briefly recap my life this past year...

 

First of all, J and I are still together. Almost four years now and I have to say that between him and me, this last year has been the best. We've gotten to this awesome place where we actually understand each other, as much as any man and woman can...and it's wonderful. I trust him, and when something comes up that gives me any shadow of a doubt, I can talk to him about it, and that's HUGE for me. I'm usually one to shut down, think the worst, and wallow in self pity. It's not happening anymore and it's great. And even at the weight I am now he finds me attractive and I frequently have to slap him off of me!  Still, I love him and he loves me...(yes, he's even SAID it!!) I love what we have. But we're kind of at a stalemate as far as the whole "M" word. I love the IDEA of being his wife one day but after being on my own this long, I'm just scared silly of actually doing it. I think he feels the same way. So, I kind of battle with that whole thing from time to time, but overall, I'm in a pretty darn good relationship and I feel extremely blessed that I stuck it out with him (and vice versa!)

 

My job...ugh! It was a very difficult year. I was teaching a bilingual 2nd/3rd grade split that wasn't really a split...I had more second graders. I almost killed myself trying to figure out how to be effective in that role but I never quite figured it out and feel like I totally failed my kiddos this year. It was basically a year of beating my head against the wall. Thankfully, I was paired up with a teacher next door to me who was trying to do the same thing but with 3rd and 4th grade. We became good friends. I've worked with her for several years but this year we got to know each other a lot better and she beame my saving grace! So this year I had her and two other teammates/friends who helped make work a whole lot more tolerable. Long story short (yeah, right!) we're moving classrooms next year so she won't be next door anymore  and on top of that my other two best friends who I've taught with for the last several years BOTH retired this year. Ugh! So I've been really sad about that. My friend M and I also "split up." I'm not really sure exactly what happened between us other than we lived our lives in very different ways and one day she just became very cordial with me and we became nothing more than professional colleagues. I've been mourning that friendship for a while now and like any woman, I've tried to analyze it to death. I miss her, for sure, but I guess some people weren't meant to be in your life forever.

 

There's so much more, I guess...I just suck at being brief! What brought all of this to a head today and led me back here was this woman at church this morning. She came in and sat down and commented that her legs were sore. Come to find out that she had RUN 4 miles this morning with her dogs...she said she usually runs about 6 but had to cut it short so that she could get ready for church. (Yeah, it was all I could do to get my butt out of bed at 7:15 so I could be there by 9!!) So we talked a little bit and the other woman sitting there and I laughed about how we didn't even WALK and kept saying "Wow" about the other woman running. THEN she tells us that she'll be 71 next month. Ummm...71!!! She blew us both right out of the water with that one...she looks GREAT! All I could think was that I won't even make it to that age if I don't get myself together. The other lady must have felt the same way I did because we got to talking about how she was only 40 and had already had a heart attack. We decided to get together this week and go for a hike. So, I left church today happy that I had met a couple of new nice women...it's very hard for me to open up to people (hard to tell, I know!!) And just decided that I need to stop this nonsense already.

 

J invited me to his sister's house after church and I said, "Why don't YOU go..." and he said, "I really want you to go with me." (He usually gives up after I say no once.) I asked him why he was making a big deal this time. "You always say no, " he said, "so I don't hassle you." He's right, I do always say no. Well, not ALWAYS...but often. And the only reason is that I don't like to be around people. I worry about how I'm dressed, about how much fat is spilling over when I sit down, whether we have to eat in front of anybody, blah, blah, blah....and I'm tired of feeling that way. Needless to say, I went with him and it was fine. It always is. Surprisingly enough, no one points and laughs at me. Still, I want to change. I want to feel good in my body. So, I'm going to embark on this journey once again. I don't have a solid plan. Weight Watchers has always been my plan of choice, but something always goes awry...so, we'll see. My downfall lately has been that I keep thinking I need to have a plan before I start, and, granted, it would probably be a good idea to have some sort of plan....but I'm going to go with "Eat Less, Move More...." I'll figure it out as I go along.

 

So, here I go again, my friends. I will be back tomorrow with a progress report.

OMG!

You're back! Oh my gosh!

I'm soooooo happy to see you posting again. I did a little happy dance at my desk when this post popped up on my Google Reader.

Oh, sweetie -- thank you so much for the update. I have to tell you, that aside from a few work set backs (and who doesn't have a few of those lately?), you're sounding like you're life is pretty on track.

I remember how unsure you were of your relationship back in the day, and I'm sooooo happy to see you in a good place. A place where you feel safe and secure. That is awesome!

The only thing that's missing is a little determination. Read back through your old posts and try to remember how you felt when you were posting super positive things. And then? Fake it. Post super positive things until you believe them.

You can do it!!!

I hope you'll keep posting, dear friend. I think you'll feel a little better getting it all out in a safe place.

Love,

Carmie

P.S. You don't have to post your number until you're ready. Don't feel rushed. You can even just Private Message me with them if you want someone to keep you accountable but you don't want to put them on the blog! Missed you!

Hi

....

It sounds like you have had a really hard time (((hugs)))

but at leasst now you have started to feel slightly more positive. People come and go into our lives all the time. As those other people have left, God will replace them with new people to inspire you and encourage you. Good luck

xxx

Kim

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