I Just Quit Trying
And I'm not entirely sure why. I've spent the day trying to mask the pain with food, but it just makes things worse. That's not a new revelation for me, I know the consequences of my choices. I'm just going to spew stuff here, so if any of it makes sense, I'll be surprised...
J. I love J dearly but he doesn't love me. At least not the way I want him to. He gave me nothing for my birthday. Not that things are in any way important to me. But still...He left two cards on my windshield though. I never even saw him that day. He went to the football game instead. I pretended not to care. I had my parents here and M came over and had dinner with us. It was nice, it really was, but I can't help but notice how insignificant I seem to be in Js life. To be fair and to tell the whole story, we had been fighting. Well, not exactly fighting because we don't really fight. I was upset with him and he didn't know why and I don't talk. I keep it all in and he tries to figure it out but he doesn't and so he just stays away. It's been this way for 2 years. I know him. I shouldn't expect anything different. But I guess I just hope that one of these times he'll put up some kind of a fight for me. Let me know that he gives a damn. But he doesn't. Put up a fight, I mean. He may or may not give a damn. I don't know. He asked me to forgive him. He doesn't even know what for, I'm sure. But I did. I forgave him. I pretend that I'm ok. But I'm not. He called tonight and invited me to a get-together at his sister's. I didn't go. I didn't go because I feel enormous. I didn't go because I want to get back at him for not being there for me. I didn't go because I don't know how to fake being ok anymore.
I found out this summer that my older sister is not really my Dad's daughter. We had been skeptical, my younger sister and I. She had found some letters one time that pretty much told the whole story. We kind of ignored it though. Still, we knew. Something happened and my Mom finally confessed to my younger sister. She's the one who told me. My Mom never did. It makes a lot of things clearer though, I guess. It doesn't really change the way I feel about my older sister. I still love her the same. I just feel very betrayed. Why'd it take 35 years to finally come out? My Dad and I have always had a special bond. I now understand why. I am his oldest daughter. Two of his grandsons don't even have any of his blood in them. It's odd. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it does. Secrets families keep. The lies they tell. It just all baffles me. I don't know why I wrote about that. I just needed to let go of it I guess.
I didn't grow up in a happy household. My Mom was angry a lot. Depressed maybe. My parents fought a lot. I never doubted they loved me, but who we were on the outside was a lot different from who we were when no one else could see us. My parents love each other in their own way. They're still together after nearly 40 years. They sleep in separate bedrooms and don't show much affection. My Mom is angry with him a lot. My dad can be hateful and extremely stubborn. And it's odd to me how much pleasure I get from just hearing them talk to each other. While they were here I was in my bedroom getting ready and I could hear them talking. I don't even know what about, but it made me happy. Is that weird? I think so. That's what I love when I go back home too. Those summer mornings when I try to sleep in and I hear them on the porch drinking their coffee and talking. I don't want a relationship like theirs, but yet, I have no real example of what a really good one should look like.
I just quit on myself. I quit believing that I deserve what I want. The love I want, the life I want, the health, the body, the family...everything. I gave up.
But somewhere in me today something just started yearning. I yearn desperately for the feelings I had when I was working out faithfully I want what I had when I was treating my body well. My life wasn't perfect then, I don't expect it ever will be. But I know that I can choose to be better. There are so many things that I have no control over. I can't change who the people around me choose to be, but I can change myself. I can choose to expect more for and from myself. Until I do, I will feel sorry for the way I lived out my childhood. I will stay in a relationship with a man who doesn't value me. I will keep trying to feed the regret in the hope that it will be smothered and I can be set free. It won't work that way.
This is all stuff I know. Taking the appropriate action has proven to be quite difficult. I'm depressed. I feel lost in a lot of ways. I quit reading my Bible and while I still talk to God throughout the day, I feel like there's a big wall between us. I did make myself sit and read today, but I don't remember anything. I read the words but that's all it was. I quit. I quit pushing for what I really want in my life because I don't feel that I deserve any better.
I'm sorry that I'm putting this all out there for you all to read. I know I said I wouldn't post anymore because I hated all of my own negativity. I just need to let it out and this is my outlet. I haven't commented on anyone's blogs because I don't feel like I have anything to offer. I kind of gave up on EP after it frustrated me too!
I really hope everyone's having a wonderful weekend!