I wish I could sometimes...just erase it all and start fresh. So, I did what I could with my blog. I deleted photos and got rid of the weight graph. I still plan on rejoining Weight Watchers on Tuesday. I'm gearing up for that. I'll try to take new "before" photos so that I can quit letting the past haunt me. I just looked at the "after" photos from January. Back then I didn't see much difference. I see it now.
I also have this picture in a frame in my classroom. It was taken in March at a wedding shower we threw for our new team member. There are five of us in the photo and for some reason half of me got cut off. When my friend gave me a copy of the picture I joked that I loved it because it only showed half of me! Then I took a closer look, and you know what? It wasn't half bad!(Ahhh! ha ha ha...what a great pun!) No, but seriously, I think that even if all of me would have come out, I wouldn't have entirely hated it, like I do with every other picture. So NOW I see that I had made serious progress back then. And it sucks that I threw it all away - in just a matter of months.
Still, dwelling on all that only makes it all harder so I will try not to. I will try to focus on the positive - I know what I am capable of. This time I will follow through and GET TO GOAL!
That said, I went to the gym today. I only worked out on the treadmill for about 35 minutes BUT I actually jogged some of it! I felt more confident doing so because there wasn't anybody else in the cardio room. I felt better knowing that I COULD still do it. Sometimes I feel like such an enormous whale and I con myself into thinking that I can't do stuff anymore.
I finally watched all of The Biggest Loser last night. What struck me the most was when the doctor was showing them the graphic of their organs being overtaken by all of that fat! Ugh! I just imagined the same thing happening inside of me and I was disgusted. And frightened. I want to change this. I really do.
I also watched Oprah. I'm not as faithful watching her show as I used to be, and I hope this doesn't sound catty, but I noticed that she's gained some weight back. I was looking at her and I actually hurt for her because I know that she must feel a little defeated too. It just goes to show that all the money in the world (which she just about has, doesn't she?!) won't help you lose weight. Not the trainers, not the professional chefs, nutritionists, whatever. When it comes down to it, YOU have to do the work. YOU have to fight the food demons all on your own. There are people to support and motivate and advise, but no one can actually lose it for you. I know a while back she said they had discovered a problem with her thyroid but then later she said it had been taken care of. Anyway, I know her struggle all too well.
Posted By: Ready2Wow
Comments to this post:
09/20/2008 10:57
I've been you..so many times
Hi,
I just wanted to say, that I have been you so many times.. which diet..you name it I have done it. WW, The Biggest Loser online, Ultralite..and now both my husband and I have started on a new one called Body trim (which after one week we are loving) annnnnyways. I look at the weight I am now (189lb) and it's embarrasing..I look at old photos when I thought I was huge and I wasnt as big as I am now...and I regret letting myself get back to where I am now. I lost 20lb with WW..and what happened, I just stopped follow it. Where is my stamina??
I often wonder why I didn't care enough about myself..and I still don't know the answer. I usually dont start a journal people can see..or tell anyone about a new diet as I know I will fail. Again, I am not telling many people around me about starting a new diet..but I am not afraid to start the EP journal and just keep going until I get there. Because I have decided, like you, thats it..I am going to get to goal this time
Isn't it funny that you can look back on photos and finally see you for the first time. I get so mad at myself when I look back at the thinner me and wonder why at the time I thought I looked horrible and still wasn't happy. I think that's just telling us that it's not only the physical aspect of weight loss we need to work on (at least for me)...but unfortunately that's just as hard as the exercise and eating right! We will get there though....it might take longer than we want....but it will happen...we just can't give up!! Just remember.....you've done it before and you can do it again!! Hang in there!!
I often think about how my life might be different if I had made different choices. I want to go back to birth and officially declare a do-over. I understand that feeling.
I was watching an Oprah soul series episode on the internet yesterday and she was interviewing Wayne Dyer who has been a tremendous inspiration to me. He had a pretty crappy start in life. Abused and abandoned by an alcoholic father. Raised in foster care. He said when he was writing his most recent book he realized that everything in his life was perfect. Being abused and abandoned was perfect. How could he teach people about forgiveness if he didn't experience that pain.
I'm not sure what that has to do with our struggle with food specifically. I just know that as long as I am stuck in the past I can't move forward. I have this stubborn idea that things "should" have been differently. People who hurt me "should not" have hurt me. I "should" have made different choices. I think that until I can accept my past I am doomed to live in this self-destructive cycle that includes overeating and not exercising.
Maya Angelou said once said (to Oprah I think - how odd is that? I NEVER watch Ophra :) "You did what you knew how to do and when you knew better you did better". Maybe we're exhausting the list of what does not work in order to find what does :) ?
Good for you for getting back to meetings. I know there is free registration, but there simply wasn't a meeting close enough for me at a time I could attend. The last time I was a meeting member, I rear-ended someone rushing to a lunch express (and then she tried to sue me!). So, please go for both of us and share what you learn. We'll do it together. ((((((hug))))))
Thanks for leaving me such a nice comment the other day! :) Yea, lets get me on Oprah! LOL Actually, I've been a bit annoyed with her the past couple of seasons. I really think they have to come up with a better way to reserve audience seats!!!!! Honestly, I do NOT want to be on the show; I just want to be in the audience! I agree with you about her weight and you do not seem catty. I can imagine she has a LOT of pressure from many angles, though. She has always struggled. Some of always will. Sigh.
I have to finish last weeks TBL before its on tomorrow night! I have about 20 minutes left and I think it might be the part you mentioned because I don't recall that. I have a few favorites ALREADY!!
(Ahhh! ha ha ha...what a great pun!) No, but seriously, I think that even if all of me would have come out, I wouldn't have entirely hated it, like I do with every other picture. So NOW I see that I had made serious progress back then. And it sucks that I threw it all away - in just a matter of months. 