Doom and gloom

I was all about that the other night, wasn't I? Sorry about that. I spent the whole day inside, alone, watching movies and eating junk food. Sounds like a great day but it really wasn't. Time alone, with my thoughts, sometimes ends in a very bad place.

I'm glad I let it out though, it helps. I'm really ok. I made myself get up and out on Sunday. Went to church, great service! Then J and I went to a get-together. This time I went happily. It was a nice time. I still felt enormous but he doesn't seem to notice. I love that about him. I know I'm not very nice about him sometimes. I guess I just want what you see in the movies sometimes and it's not like that. There's lots of good stuff though.

I'm sorry, TatumsMom, but I broke my promise. I didn't work out today. I worked late to try to catch up on some things then brought more stuff home to do. An excuse, I know. But that's all I've got right now.

I don't think I've mentioned that I'm on our staff volleyball team. We play on Wednesdays. I've never been brave enough to do such a thing before. This year I thought, what the heck? So, at least I'm getting an itsy bit of movement once a week. Sooo not enough, I know, but it's something.

I've been taking my jug of water to work with me almost every day. I used to finish that whole thing every day when I was on track. Now I bring it back home nearly full. I'm getting maybe one or two glasses of water in a day. BUT I'm at least making the effort to fill it and haul it with me.

Eating's still crap. Every day I promise to do better. Every day I fail. I've got hold of the all or nothing attitude and can't seem to shake it. If I'm not going to do it 100% right then I'm going to screw it up royally.  I hate that.

I Just Quit Trying

And I'm not entirely sure why. I've spent the day trying to mask the pain with food, but it just makes things worse. That's not a new revelation for me, I know the consequences of my choices. I'm just going to spew stuff here, so if any of it makes sense, I'll be surprised...

J. I love J dearly but he doesn't love me. At least not the way I want him to. He gave me nothing for my birthday. Not that things are in any way important to me. But still...He left two cards on my windshield though. I never even saw him that day. He went to the football game instead. I pretended not to care. I had my parents here and M came over and had dinner with us. It was nice, it really was, but I can't help but notice how insignificant I seem to be in Js life. To be fair and to tell the whole story, we had been fighting. Well, not exactly fighting because we don't really fight. I was upset with him and he didn't know why and I don't talk. I keep it all in and he tries to figure it out but he doesn't and so he just stays away. It's been this way for 2 years. I know him. I shouldn't expect anything different. But I guess I just hope that one of these times he'll put up some kind of a fight for me. Let me know that he gives a damn. But he doesn't. Put up a fight, I mean. He may or may not give a damn. I don't know. He asked me to forgive him. He doesn't even know what for, I'm sure. But I did. I forgave him. I pretend that I'm ok. But I'm not. He called tonight and invited me to a get-together at his sister's. I didn't go. I didn't go because I feel enormous. I didn't go because I want to get back at him for not being there for me. I didn't go because I don't know how to fake being ok anymore.

I found out this summer that my older sister is not really my Dad's daughter. We had been skeptical, my younger sister and I. She had found some letters one time that pretty much told the whole story. We kind of ignored it though. Still, we knew. Something happened and my Mom finally confessed to my younger sister. She's the one who told me. My Mom never did. It makes a lot of things clearer though, I guess. It doesn't really change the way I feel about my older sister. I still love her the same. I just feel very betrayed. Why'd it take 35 years to finally come out? My Dad and I have always had a special bond. I now understand why. I am his oldest daughter. Two of his grandsons don't even have any of his blood in them. It's odd. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it does. Secrets families keep. The lies they tell. It just all baffles me. I don't know why I wrote about that. I just needed to let go of it I guess.

I didn't grow up in a happy household. My Mom was angry a lot. Depressed maybe. My parents fought a lot. I never doubted they loved me, but who we were on the outside was a lot different from who we were when no one else could see us. My parents love each other in their own way. They're still together after nearly 40 years. They sleep in separate bedrooms and don't show much affection. My Mom is angry with him a lot. My dad can be hateful and extremely stubborn. And it's odd to me how much pleasure I get from just hearing them talk to each other. While they were here I was in my bedroom getting ready and I could hear them talking. I don't even know what about, but it made me happy. Is that weird? I think so. That's what I love when I go back home too. Those summer mornings when I try to sleep in and I hear them on the porch drinking their coffee and talking. I don't want a relationship like theirs, but yet, I have no real example of what a really good one should look like.

I just quit on myself. I quit believing that I deserve what I want. The love I want, the life I want, the health, the body, the family...everything. I gave up.

But somewhere in me today something just started yearning. I yearn desperately for the feelings I had when I was working out faithfully  I want what I had when I was treating my body well. My life wasn't perfect then, I don't expect it ever will be. But I know that I can choose to be better. There are so many things that I have no control over. I can't change who the people around me choose to be, but I can change myself. I can choose to expect more for and from myself. Until I do, I will feel sorry for the way I lived out my childhood. I will stay in a relationship with a man who doesn't value me. I will keep trying to feed the regret in  the hope that it will be smothered and I can be set free. It won't work that way.

This is all stuff I know. Taking the appropriate action has proven to be quite difficult. I'm depressed. I feel lost in a lot of ways. I quit reading my Bible and while I still talk to God throughout the day, I feel like there's a big wall between us. I did make myself sit and read today, but I don't remember anything. I read the words but that's all it was. I quit. I quit pushing for what I really want in my life because I don't feel that I deserve any better.

I'm sorry that I'm putting this all out there for you all to read. I know I said I wouldn't post anymore because I hated all of my own negativity. I just need to let it out and this is my outlet. I haven't commented on anyone's blogs because I don't feel like I have anything to offer. I kind of gave up on EP after it frustrated me too!

I really hope everyone's having a wonderful weekend!

Frustrated

Not just with weight loss, or lack thereof , but with this site. What I love most about EP is the support, the back and forth "atta girls" or "you're not alones." But with all of these slow to load pages, all of that falls by the wayside and we're all left kind of back on these little islands all by ourselves. We're all near each other but no contact is being made. I'm not happy about it! I miss you guys!

And a big WELCOME BACK to Chargail!!!! I am so happy to see you posting again. It's great to hear from you. You were sorely missed, my friend!

But thanks so much to those of you who made the "swim" over to wish me a Happy Birthday! It was a nice one. My parents came to visit and Mom made me my favorite dinner, so it was pretty special.

I have a lot going on right now. I may need to move. J and I are on the fritz again (so, what's new there?!), my friend M is having a really hard time and I'm doing my best to be a good friend to her and be there when/if she needs me. So, needless to say, I keep neglecting myself. I didn't even think about going back to Weight Watchers tonight. And we haven't been going to the gym. I feel so incredibly far from where I want to be. I'll probably quit posting here because I hate sounding so negative all of the time. It's like the same ol' broken record and it's just so old by now. But I love you all and I will keep up with google reader to read up on each of you.

The Plunge

I took it today. I was anxious to start, so after my dentist appointment that I sat and waited an HOUR after my scheduled time for, I headed on over to the Weight Watchers center and signed up.

Maybe it was that I was already in a bad mood from having to wait so long at the dentist's or maybe it was that after the leader handed me my card and I saw the number dreadfully close to my starting weight over a year ago, but I sat there thinking, "What the heck am I doing here?"

The meeting was made up of mostly older women who knew each other or had been attending together long enough to become friends. Well, these ladies just bugged the crap outta me! They had a comment or a joke after almost every sentence the leader spoke and then they'd all laugh and carry on. At one point during the meeting, one woman was holding another woman's jewelry while she weighed in and another woman spotted it and had to proclaim out loud just how beautiful it was and they proceeded to pass the jewelry around so that everyone could admire it!

Huh?

Meanwhile, the leader tried to maintain some structure and carried with the lesson  about dancing and how dancing makes us feel good and burn calories and let's all find a dance class in the community.

I left in near tears.

I shoulda waited til tomorrow.

So, I don't know what I'm going to do now. I am going to follow the program. Getting the new materials did motivate me to get going, but I'm really disappointed that I didn't enjoy the meeting. I'd always gotten something out of them before.

So, that was my experience today. Darn. I had such high hopes. Stupid Monday.

Erasing the Past

I wish I could sometimes...just erase it all and start fresh. So, I did what I could with my blog. I deleted photos and got rid of the weight graph. I still plan on rejoining Weight Watchers on Tuesday. I'm gearing up for that. I'll try to take new "before" photos so that I can quit letting the past haunt me. I just looked at the "after" photos from January. Back then I didn't see much difference. I see it now.

I also have this picture in a frame in my classroom. It was taken in March at a wedding shower we threw for our new team member. There are five of us in the photo and for some reason half of me got cut off. When my friend gave me a copy of the picture I joked that I loved it because it only showed half of me! Then I took a closer look, and you know what? It wasn't half bad!(Ahhh! ha ha ha...what a great pun!) No, but seriously, I think that even if all of me would have come out, I wouldn't have entirely hated it, like I do with every other picture. So NOW I see that I had made serious progress back then. And it sucks that I threw it all away - in just a matter of months.

Still, dwelling on all that only makes it all harder so I will try not to. I will try to focus on the positive - I know what I am capable of. This time I will follow through and GET TO GOAL!

That said, I went to the gym today. I only worked out on the treadmill for about 35 minutes BUT I actually jogged some of it! I felt more confident doing so because there wasn't anybody else in the cardio room. I felt better knowing that I COULD still do it. Sometimes I feel like such an enormous whale and I con myself into thinking that I can't do stuff anymore.

I finally watched all of The Biggest Loser last night. What struck me the most was when the doctor was showing them the graphic of their organs being overtaken by all of that fat! Ugh! I just imagined the same thing happening inside of me and I was disgusted. And frightened. I want to change this. I really do.

I also watched Oprah. I'm not as faithful watching her show as I used to be, and I hope this doesn't sound catty, but I noticed that she's gained some weight back. I was looking at her and I actually hurt for her because I know that she must feel a little defeated too. It just goes to show that all the money in the world (which she just about has, doesn't she?!) won't help you lose weight. Not the trainers, not the professional chefs, nutritionists, whatever. When it comes down to it, YOU have to do the work. YOU have to fight the food demons all on your own. There are people to support and motivate and advise, but no one can actually lose it for you. I know a while back she said they had discovered a problem with her thyroid but then later she said it had been taken care of. Anyway, I know her struggle all too well.

Off topic

This post will have nothing to do with weight loss. Why? Because I suck at it! Well, maybe I'll add something at the end...we'll see...

My boy - that student I have that I wrote about a little while back. Well, can I just say that I LOVE that kid? I do. I don't know what it is about him, but I've fallen hook, line, and sinker! Poor little guy is lower than dirt academically. (Is that mean for me to say as a teacher?) Well, he is. Asking him to write something is like telling him to fly an airplane. He has no idea! And he's always in trouble. Not in the classroom, but I send him out anywhere -PE, Music, recess- and 9 times outta 10 he comes back in some kind of trouble. I can see it in his face now. If something went wrong, he'll just give me this look...

The other day he came back all upset from PE. I steered him away from the other kids and asked him what was wrong. He started crying because he had gotten in trouble with Coach. "I said a bad word!" he told me. "And I don't know why because I don't say bad words!" It was so cute I wanted to laugh, but I couldn't let on that I thought it was funny. So we had a little talk about choices and handling our emotions.

In one ear and out the other...but I'll keep working with him. I'm not entirely sure what his home life is like, but he has a little trouble handling his anger. And he has this speech impediment and he mixes up his languages and I just couldn't adore him more. I was bringing the students in from outside this morning and he was running to catch up with us and I turned around to look at him and he says, "You forgot about me!"

"Oh no I didn't forget you!" I said. He just brightens my day. And today after PE he came back with another problem and after he told me all about it, I just hugged him. All these years of teaching, all the students who have come and gone, and this one has just tugged at my heart like no other.

And I like this class a lot. Even the little liar girl. (Sorry, that's probably mean too!) You'd think I'd resent her for what she did, but when it comes down to it, she's just a child and I can't expect her to reason like an adult.

I guess I'm posting all of this because I had a long talk with my friend M this evening. We missed each other after school and I thought she had gone home but she was at the gym waiting for me. I never made it. But anyway, we were talking about work stuff and she is just so tired of it all. She has a lot of stress in her personal life and work stuff has just gotten to be too much to handle and she's having a hard time. I listened. She said that if she left tomorrow, she wouldn't miss it. I hope and pray that things get better for her.

But I wondered if I left tomorrow, would I miss it? And, yes, I would. Not the paperwork, not the stress, not the testing, but the kids. I just love working with the kids.

So, like I mentioned, I missed the gym today. I ate like crap today. Our school counselor is a Weight Watchers receptionist. I asked her today if she was still doing it and she said yes then asked if I was thinking about going back. "Oh, I'm thinking about it," I said. Truth is, all of my rebellion is weighing me down. Literally. I don't want to count POINTS but I know that doing so will help me get a handle on things. So, the plan is to join on Tuesday (her night). And she works with a leader who I really love as well. I used to go to his meetings years ago and was very successful - until I started going through a divorce. So, I'm hoping that rejoining will give me the push I need to get this thing under control again. I'm really getting tired of these false starts!

Excuses

I came up with plenty:

• I'm so tired. (Obvious)
• My allergies are awful. (True, but not life-threatening)
• I'm so big again, I won't be able to do the moves. (True, but I can't let that hold me back forever!)
• The couch is so comfy. (I was actually sitting there falling asleep!)

I decided NO! No excuses. Just get up and do it.

So, I did.

Kelsie's "Pump, Jump, 'n Jab" - one of the new FIRM workouts. It was fun. I did it all the way through. What was so freakin' hard about that?!

Once I got going, I remembered how much my body craves exercise. I caught glimpses of how strong it makes me feel. I'm glad I fought the excuses.

M and I made it to the gym yesterday too. A short cardio warm-up, chest, back, and shoulders. So, 2 down and 3 to go!

We're having a much needed girls' night Thursday. We're going to watch The Women and then maybe dinner. I doubt I'll get to workout, but thanks to GirlNextDoor, I won't beat myself up about it.

And really, the eating hasn't been all that great. I don't know. I just can't seem to get a handle on it. My plan is awesome in theory but the execution of it always falls flat! I need more structure. Well-set parameters. I'll keep working on it.

Weeds

I hate 'em. Detest 'em. Loathe 'em. And when they start to creep up in my yard I tend to ignore 'em. For a while anyway. Until they, much like Glen Close's character in Fatal Attraction, taunt me that they will not be ignored. Then I get out there and destroy 'em. Some I whack with the hoe, others I just yank out by the roots. It's grueling, especially when my allergies start acting up or I get dust in my eyes. But when I'm done...ahhhhhh....it feels like such an accomplishment. I know I've actually conquered something. Ha ha weeds, I WON!

I did the weed destroying yesterday. I put on my MP3 player (I'm not cool enough to have an iPod yet! ) and my baseball cap to hide my make-up-less face and went to it. While working I try to distract myself with thinking and yesterday, for some reason, I started thinking about the presidential nominees and the way religion has played/is playing a huge factor in this race...then thoughts went to the ladies on the View and how Joy always makes fun of people saying that the events that happen in the world are God's will. She doesn't get it. She doesn't see how a loving God allows such evil things to happen. I don't either, entirely. But one thing that I have never doubted in my life is my faith in God. Joyce Meyer likes to say something like this: Unbelievers say there is no proof of a God and yadda, yadda...Her answer is, "Well, if I'm wrong, then when I die no harm, no foul. If you're wrong, you spend eternity in hell." Ouch! But it makes its point.

Please know I'm not trying to preach here, this is just the stuff I was thinking...I'm getting to my point!

So, as i thought about Joyce Meyer, I started thinking about how she always says that "God told me" this or that. And I know many other people who say that as well..."God told me...," 'The Holy Spirit spoke to me..." And I believe that if you know how to listen, He does speak to you. Me, well, I just never have trusted myself enough to know if God is trying to tell me something or if it's my own thinking. Looking back, I'm convinced that He's led me down certain paths for specific reasons, but I can't convincingly say that "He spoke to me."

Until yesterday.

And it just hit me really hard.

The weeds.

The weeds represented all of the crappy thoughts and behaviors in my life. I tend to just let them be, ignore them, and let them do what they're going to do. But if I would just get busy and do the grueling work, then I could reap the rewards. I could feel good about the accomplishment. I could look and feel good again. But the longer I wait, the higher they grow, the more they taunt me, until it all seems too overwhelming to get a handle on. Once I buckled down and tackled the weeds, it wasn't all that difficult a job. If I would just buckle down and get busy with this getting healthy, eating right thing, I know it wouldn't be so hard.

Now, you might say, Why do you think that was God and not just your own brilliant mind at work?! I don't know, really. I just believe He was helping me see what I was doing to myself and that I just needed to get back in gear and do the work.

My goal for this week is to work out 5 days. At least do something. We haven't made it to the gym in a while. Maybe once in 2 weeks? M has a crazy hectic life and when she can't make it, I use that as an excuse to skip the working out altogether. Not anymore. I WILL work out 5 days this week. No excuses. No matter what. Unless I break a limb...God forbid!

Food. This is my biggest struggle. I made another Ellie Krieger recipe today: Herbed Bulgur-Lentil Pilaf. It was....ummm....ok. Not delicious. I don't think I'll ever sit around and CRAVE bulgur and lentils but it wasn't terrible. I'm proud that I tried something new but not sure if I'll even finish the leftovers in the fridge. Still, I'm almost certain that I don't want to spend my life counting POINTS and/or calories. I don't. The thought of it just stirs up such negative feelings. I hate that because I know it works. Still, I'm going to do this for this week: eat 3 meals and two maybe 3 small snacks every day. I say maybe 3 because when I work out, I want to be able to eat a little more to refuel. And I know what's healthy versus what's not so I will make the best possible choices I can. Really stay AWARE of what and how much I am eating. We'll see how that goes.

Oh! And no weighing. At least not right now. I know the number's ugly and I just don't want to face it right now.

OK, this went way long. I love you all. Hope you had a great weekend and I'll try to come by and say hi tomorrow!!!

Darn EP!

Why are you so grumpy?! I got an awesome email from Ellie Krieger that I wanted to share with you all but it wouldn't let me post it. "Too long" it said. Sheesh...you're even grumpier than I am, EP! And that's bad!!

Well, no, it wasn't from Ellie herself! I signed up to receive her daily email from her online program. I rarely read them all the way through, but this one was good. All about getting back on track. She explained that it's easy for many of us to lose weight, it's the keeping it off that's hard. We can discipline ourselves to do really well for a time but then slack off and get back to square one.

Basically, her advice was that if something worked before, do it again and it'll work again. She said it much better than I just did which is why it sounded much more motivational!

So, I've received all of my new DVDs and have previewed them all. We had Open House tonight so I didn't work out. Guess how many parents out of 16 students showed up? TWO! Ain't that sad? It's always disappointing. Oh wait, I'm wrong, there were three. One showed up at the very end.

I missed Big Brother tonight.  It was preempted by the memorial service of a prominent El Paso, TX coach. OK, I understand that he was highly esteemed by that community. But why do ALL 3 major channels have to broadcast the memorial service? And it's been going on now for over 3 hours! Am I heartless for being bummed that I didn't get to watch the final three battle it out for the final head of Household?! Hey, when that's the highlight of your life, of course it's gonna hurt!

Well, tomorrow's Friday. Yay!

Aw, Come ON!

I got my new FIRM DVDs yesterday. I sat and previewed them all. Yes, you read that right... I SAT and previewed. There was no getting up and trying some of the moves. I just watched and thought, "I dunno if I can do that!" I'm pretty impressed with Kelsie though. She seems like a great lead. And those arms...yowza!!! Bee-yoo-teee-full!!! I'm anxious to actually TRY them.

But I checked my amazon account and my other two DVDs were supposed to be delivered today. My oh-so-rational thinking was that I didn't want to be working out in the living room when they came to my door to deliver (it's UPS) so I decided to wait them out. Well, they never came until almost 9:00PM and when I heard them knock, I just froze. Hey, I'm a single woman living alone. I don't open the door after dark unless I know who's there and I wasn't entirely sure it was UPS. If it was, I figured they'd just leave the package.

Well, once they'd left, I checked my porch and there was NOTHING!!!!  Not even one of those little stickers that says they attempted delivery.

So, needless to say I never worked out today and I never got my kickboxing DVDs. And I ate exceptionally well today until I got home from work. I was soooo hungry and I saw these two little avocadoes all happy and ripe just sitting in my basket so I mashed them up into guacamole and ate them with tortilla chips.  Yes, BOTH of them. They were small, but still....

How many "tomorrows" am I gonna throw away until I get this thing right?