I was 'sposed to track everything this week, 'member? I had every intention of doing so...but then everything went haywire at work today and I ate for comfort.

A little girl walked out of my class to go to the bathroom and never came back. To make a super long story short (maybe)...she walked home and made up some sob story about how I had scared her by slamming my hands on her desk and shouting at her to read louder.

Huh?

Now, I never even raised my voice this morning. I was never even near her desk! But of course, her parents believed her. I mean, it must have been something terrible to cause here to walk all the way home by herself, right?

So, it was a big ordeal. I have a new principal and vice-principal who don't really know me from Adam, so they have no history to be able to back me up. So, they kind of didn't.

It all came out in the end that she had lied. Why? I still don't know. But I feel like my character was really attacked. It hurt me to think that someone would even believe something like that about me.

I'm not saying I'm perfect but I don't do the work I do to terrorize kids.

It threw me for a loop. Here I was really looking forward to this year because I thought I had such a great group of kids.

Today was gym day. We didn't go. We went to eat at Chili's instead. And eat I did!

Blah.

I'm so bummed. I started out the day feeling fine and now...this. Ugh.

On the plus side, both my grandma and brother-in-law are out of their respective hospitals! Both doing better, so thanks for your happy thoughts and prayers. If you're not all prayed out, I could use some for myself!

I'm going to try to come check on you all tomorrow!

I've got to quit this dilly dallying. My eating has been just awful.  While I've been trying to decide what to do...count POINTS, track calories, follow a specific food plan...I've done nothing but gorge myself on crappy food. And the scale shows it.

Now, I can either sit here and beat myself up about what a failure I am. OR I can say that it ends tonight and I get up off my lazy butt and DO something to change my eating habits.

I know this will be a lifelong battle with me...three weeks to create a new habit? Maybe, but all it takes is one slip and the old habits can come back with a vengeance. Anyway...

I'm going to keep track of calories. I need to have some sort of limit or I go berserk! SO, that's what I'll do. My Weight Watchers etools expire on Monday. I'm almost afraid not to renew, but I haven't tracked a solid week on there in months! I really shouldn't pay for something that I'm not using. So, I'm going to use The Daily Plate for a while and see how that goes. I will track my calories every day this week and stay within my goal, which I think is set at 1900 right now. Yeah, I'm that fat again.

Anyway, enough dwelling on the negative.

M and I stuck to our promise of working out at the gym M,W, & F. We did some awesome workouts and BOY did they help with the back-to-school stress level! I got up today and went for about an hour long bike ride. It was nice and overcast so the weather was perfect! So, that's four workouts for the week. Not bad!

I didn't get to see J today. I had to work in my classroom and he had some things to do so we decided to take a little break from each other. I have to say though that things have been just really super awesome between us. Ever since we spent some time apart this summer I think something kinda *clicked* in both of us that has helped our relationship flourish. It's nice. I love him bunches!

Family isn't doing too well. My grandma is in the hospital and my poor Mom's stress level is through the roof. She has my uncle to help her out, but as the woman, the burden of caretaker falls heavily on her shoulders. We're all hoping for my grandma to get better, but it doesn't seem to be happening and it's hard. I feel bad that I'm not there to help, but what could I really do anyway? My brother-in-law is also in the hospital. They thought he had pneumonia but now it turns out it may be something more serious. They've run tests but still don't know anything. When it rains, it pours. I just keep praying for all of them. That's all I know to do. I feel so helpless.

I CAN do something about ME though, and I need to.

Seriously.

I don't know how to eat "normally." If I did, I wouldn't have a weight problem!

I was full of all sorts of optimism when I typed that last night. Reality hit me right smack in the face after school today when I realized I had an empty Cheez-It snack mix bag in front of me that had been unopened only minutes before. I ate the WHOLE bag. Just kept stuffing it in as if I hadn't eaten a thing all day.

Ugh.

And then I'm tired. Just plain wiped out. And it's only Tuesday! I know if I were eating better and working out faithfully I could recover some energy. I'm just not there.

I wore some crop pants today that are too tight at the waist. I could button 'em but they were NOT comfy. I made myself wear them as a sort of punishment as well as a warning. "Hey, girl, you used to be able to wear these comfortably, now look where you're at. Next time you try 'em, they may not even button!" I don't know how well I heeded the warning.  Once I made it home I headed for my 3 Musketeers Mint bar. I opened it and realized they BIGGIFIED the darn things!!! Why'd they go and do that?! I used to be able to have the whole bar for 3 POINTS. Now the whole thing is 6. I may as well have had a regular Hershey bar. Bleh!

So, needless to say, I had a bad food day today. No workout either. Hope you all are doing better than I am!

I was working with this one little boy today during a math activity. I had told the students that they could work with a partner but that they didn't have to. Well, this one little guy was upset that nobody wanted to be his partner. "Oh, it's OK," I said, "You don't need a partner. Do it by yourself!" So I sat with him and guided him a bit. Well, once he got going and realized that he could do the activity on his own, there was no stopping him! He took off! And he was really surprised at himself. When we had to stop and pack up for the day, he was putting his work into his folder and proudly stated, "Wow. I did a good job!" It was just adorable. I couldn't help but smile. "You sure did!" I replied.

That's what it's all about for me. Those moments when I just see a child shine. There's nothing like it!

I guess I had to mention that because it's at those moments when I'm doing something that I truly love that I'm not thinking about my weight or food. Otherwise, it consumes me. I get so tired of thinking of it all the time. I'm eating too much. I'm hungry. I'm too tired to work out. I need to get control. I feel so fat. I look so fat. I want Chinese. I'll start tomorrow. I'll start in September. On and on and on the record plays in my head and it gets exhasuting.

I relish the moments when I don't hear it and all I hear is, "Yeah, you're doing a good thing here."

Today was the first day of school for our students. I really like my group of kiddos! I have high hopes for this year, which is good because our school didn't make AYP and we're in corrective action, a real depressing situation when you know you're giving it everything you've got! Anyway, it was a good day.

M and I made a plan to get to the gym every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I had so much to do today but I said, "Nope! I'm giving this priority! There will always be an excuse if I let there be." So, we met at the gym right after school and got a good workout in. The only thing is that if we keep this schedule I won't make it to Spinning class, which is why I joined the gym in the first place.  But for now, I need the motivation of having a partner to workout with, so I'll do it her way. It felt SO GOOD to do something for my body again! I'm glad I went.

Eating was good today. I'm not tracking numbers -POINTS, calories, nothing- for now. I'm going to try to see if I can just eat "normally" and healthfully. If it doesn't work then I'll have to go back to counting.

So, that's it for now. I did bring a pile of stuff home so I'm going to try to tackle it before bed!

M and I went for a bike ride this morning. We started out kinda late so it was hot. I thought I was gonna pass out! My strength and endurance have both really deteriorated. It upsets me.  

I've been working to get my classroom ready. Tomorrow's an official work day but I feel like I've got a good head start so I'm not super stressed about all I have to do. Kiddos start on Monday.

I haven't tracked food in a couple days. I've tried to keep a handle on it though.

A bit dramatic of a title, eh?

All I mean is my life of leisure is over. I go back to work "officially" on Wednesday but I went in to pick up my keys yesterday and then put in a few hours today. I will probably go in again Monday and Tuesday to get a good head start.

M and I were out walking yesterday and ran into a fellow friend who teaches with us. She told us how she just hated the thought of going back, she was trying to get a transfer to a middle school but was too late. She's just miserable at the thought of walkiing back into her classroom and it's only her 2nd year!

I thought about that for a while. Some people just aren't cut out for the job and the sooner they realize it and get out, the better - for them AND especially for the students. I admit that I don't always wake up cheery and raring to go to work, but I do love my job. I still get excited when school is about to start and love to get new school supplies and goodies for my classroom & students. I look forward to working with kids and helping them learn and discover things. And this will be my 15th year! So, anyway, I'm just feeling thankful for my job. It doesn't pay the big bucks, but I get a whole lot out of it and I hope I am able to give those kids a lot too.

My letter to me. Thank you all who had such sweet things to say about my letter. I sat here and cried as I typed all of that. It was a good release for me. And it really helped me realize that I need to love myself more, plain and simple. Treat myself like I would a best friend. I am working on it. I have eaten a little better. I am tracking my food. I'm trying. I'm not giving up. That's what's important.

Hope everyone is having a fabulous weekend.

Dear Me,

I am writing this letter to let you know how much I love you. And it isn't ok for you to hate me so much. Why are you so mean to me? All I want is to eat right and exercise consistently so that I can live a long healthy life and be around for the people I love. What is so hard about that?

You treat me well for a couple of days and then you go back to your hurtful ways. You sit yourself on the couch and just ignore me. You stuff yourself with food to try to shut me out. You can't, you know. Because I am always here. I keep feeling and thinking and hoping and I won't let you quit loving me. 

I understand your "issues." The pain you can't talk about, the love you want and never get, the secrets you hide, all of your fears and insecurities. I know it all. You can hide nothing from me. So, why do you keep trying? For years this has gone on, you know, ever since I can remember you've had this ongoing battle with me. Just when I am about to give up, you start pretending to care. You treat me well, work me out, start feeling better about me, and then you get to a point where you just shut down. Something changes and you just stop. You do everything you can to undo all of the positive. You're doing it now. Why? I can't understand why.

Why can't you see what the people who love you see?  Why can't you work to become the beautiful woman you know you can be, inside and out. What has been done to you cannot be undone but you can choose to change how you feel about yourself. You are not worthless. You are deserving of good things. You can enjoy your life and not be miserable all of the time. You can. It's there for you. But you have to work for it. You have to commit. You have to find that determination and the desire to persevere. You cannot let yourself be so easily derailed. You have to learn how to put yourself first sometimes. You don't have to live your life to please those around you. If they choose to stop loving you because of who you are, then that is their choice, and their loss. It doesn't make you less of a person. It doesn't make you less desireable. It doesn't make you less loveable. As long as you are doing the things you do out of a right heart, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Let's try this again, ok? Because as long as you continue to breathe, I will continue to love you and want what's best for you. And you don't have to think that it's all or nothing either. I am happy with baby steps if those are all you can take right now. I know your potential. I know the strength that is in there somewhere. I've seen it. And I know it'll come through when the time is right. But for now. just think about what you are feeding me. Please. Just stop the constant stuffing because neither of us likes that. OK? 

I know you feel enormous but still empty inside. I know you feel defeated and hopeless. I know how badly you want this. I know it all. So, just work with me here, let me help you. Because you're all I've got. From beginning to end it's just you and me. Others will come and go, but me, you can't escape me. So, let's learn to do things right, OK?

Tomorrow is always a new day. God help me.

Today was another good day! And I did better w/ the daily plate. Now that I have a list of favorite foods I can just click on 'em. I guess it was the starting from scratch that was so time-consuming. I'm still tracking POINTS too. Yeah, I'm the gal who was just whining about tracking my food and now I'm doing it DOUBLE! Go figure!

M and I are going for a walk in a little bit. I wanted to do a DVD but I need some chat therapy, so it'll be fun!

Workshop today was pretty good. Except for the fact that we have HOMEWORK! Ugh! Come ON! I'm supposed to be the one who assigns the stuff, I shouldn't have to do it! ha ha

OK, but now I have a bit of a dilemma. The ladies are all going out for Mexican for lunch tomorrow. I feel torn. I know I can make fairly healthy choices, but I don't really trust myself. But it'll be nice to sit with everyone and catch up, I don't want to be antisocial because I don't know how to control my food. Still, I know that it doesn't take much to throw me off course these days... And I know they'll want to eat out all week. We never get to do that! I escaped it today because I was afraid of the choices I might make so I just ran home to make a sandwich. Why does this have to be so hard!?

I'll have the same dilemma next week when we get back to work. I'll have a whole OTHER set of friends to catch up with and one of our favorite things to do is eat out for lunch on our staff days because we never get the chance to do that.

I'm in serious need of a good plan. Any ideas?

Could it be possible that I actually ate healthfully today and even logged my POINTS?!

YES!!!! I DID!!!

And I waited until after 9PM before I wrote this so that I knew I wouldn't be eating anymore today. I did it, my friends! I did it.

One day. Doesn't seem like much. But when you've been spinning way out of control the way I have lately, well, it is a HUGE accomplishment.

I logged my POINTS because I've come to realize that I just don't have a good stopping point to my eating unless I have set boundaries and keeping within POINTS sets those boundaries for me. But what I also did today was track calories, because I was curious.

I tried The Daily Plate website. It was TEDIOUS! It took FOREVER! But, here's what happened: I only ate about 1600 calories today. I took a little quiz the other day...I dunno, one of the health mags I was reading...and it calculated that I should be eating over 2000! I put my info in the daily plate and it said I should be eating about 1900. Weight Watchers had me digging into Flex POINTS at 1500 calories! Whoa! That is LOW.

Now I can see how I wasn't losing very well when I was sticking to POINTS and working out super hard. I don't think I was eating enough. So, NOW what do I do?

I have to get up early for a workshop tomorrow. It goes all week long. What was a thinking? It was voluntary. Ick. The good thing is that I'll get some structure in my day and that should help with the eating.

I didn't workout today but I did a FIRM dvd yesterday. One of the ones that I thought were too easy when I was doing Cathe's stuff. But now they're just about right. I need toe ase back into it.

So anyway, I feel good about today. Hope everyone has a great night and a terrific Monday!

A year ago, I was exactly this same weight and I was THRILLED! I felt really good and was gaining confidence. Having lost nearly 20 pounds from my starting weight, I felt as thought I'd really accomplished something.

Now, at this weight, I feel just beaten down. How strange. The exact same number feels a lot different when you hit it going down than when you hit it going back up. Duh. I know you all know that.

But anyway...whining about it isn't going to help anything.

I ate a really healthy breakfast this morning. We won't discuss the rest of the day so far. I just have to learn how to find the positives sometimes. I've got some chicken cooking in the crockpot for dinner, so that should be healthy enough. J's doing something with the men of the family tonight so I won't see him. Blah. And M's got company so I won't be hanging out with her either. Double Blah. Maybe I'll go rent some movies or pull a good book off the shelf and enjoy the last of my vacation.

Notice, I said nothing about possibly working out.