Good Afternoon to all! Is it nice outside, or what?! Let me just whip out my sunscreen and water and im ready to go outside and bask myself in the sun! Ahhh, how I love this warm weather. Unbelievably it’s not even hot to me; I think it’s just perfect. Like I have said many times after losing all this weight I find myself being cold all the time, well I’m liking that even as warm as it is its perfect, and there is no more chills all over my body!! WOOHOO!
You can skip this, if you want to; warning; boring and just letting my feelings out.
So lately I have noticed some changes in myself. Inside and outside, I have started to see these changes. Im not going to say these changes are bad but im not going to agree that they are good either. This journey of weight loss has taught me that changes can be bad and good but I have learned to take them in as a good thing, it lets me grow in so many ways. This past week, I have been in the slumps. I try not to write it out on my blog as much, because I don’t want to sound like a downer but It’s trapped inside of me. I have tried communicating with others than my family but their response to it all is nothing that I would want to give to anyone. Some of them tell me to sleep all day long or go and eat my favorite meal. That is not going to do anything to me and I want something more than just food and sleeping all day long. Therefore, Im going to write out my feelings so I can un-trap all my emotions that are stuck inside and hopefully start feeling better soon.
First off, im not going to lie this whole maintenance thing is a lot harder than the losing weight part. I think that has been a majority of my problems. Im not sure where I want to go from here. I know im happy with my weight but every time I look in the mirror, I see something that makes me want to change it. I know im not the only one that has felt like this because we all have. Im admitting to it because im human. I have tried talking to myself and telling myself that Im beautiful and that I should not let flaws that im not happy with make me down. I just feel like I could keep improving myself. I want to get this out of my head, as much as I want to its just not that easy.
Stress has been causing me to not want to do anything but be at home lying in bed. This is not me, Im such a happy, energetic person. If you were to meet me in person, I have all this energy; I could go on for hours. I want to be that person again, nothing used to get me down, and it seems like I all my energy goes towards worrying about my weight and food. I swear it’s on my mind every second of the day. In my head I lay out a map of when all my snacks and meals are, and when Im exercising. Im not saying this is bad, but I feel like it’s in my head all the time. I just want to wake up one day and know that everything is in place. Yeah I will keep working out everyday and eating right, because its all second nature to me but is it bad to be this obsessive?
I need to slowly work on the deeper things in my life. I need to work inside then outside; I need to create a balance over everything. Slowly im learning that im not going to let a simple thing such as a day-to-day weight fluctuation or a flaw on my body get me down. I tell myself why would I let something like a tiny gain or anything get me down and ruin my day. I want to prove to myself that im not only stronger than food but im stronger than a machine. I want to know I have control of myself!
Sorry for the long not very happy blog, but I needed to get this out. You ever have something in you just bothering you and you will not be okay until you let it out or tell it to someone? Its just one of those things, that has to be let out or there is no peace.
Thank you for reading my post, if you did!!! I really appreciate it!
Today, I signed up to a new gym, it’s not really a gym with machines or anything like that, but a gym that concentrates on boxing, and kickboxing. Even though I go to LA Fitness, and there boxing class is a class they offer it’s more of an aerobic class if you know what I mean. I want the real thing, im ready for a challenge! So today I have a class to try it out and see if I like it! Im excited! I will let you all know how it went later on!
I hope you all have a wonderful Monday! Happy April to everyone!!! Keep on going and remember to never ever give up even through hard times, we just have to push through them a little bit harder, but I promise we can break down that wall, holding us back. Push through it!!
Posted By: hey alexia
Comments to this post:
04/02/2007 20:23
Letting it out
Letting it out helps us all.. Also, let us know if your class was fun.
I think it's better to let it out. I'm just glad that you trusted us enough to share it with us. I know that we all will be at the point that you're at one day, so it's a learning experience for me to read this blog. I pray that you'll find your balance. It's still new for you, but soon it will become 2nd nature. Hang in there girl!!
Yeah, I also understand where that unhappy, slumpy feeling can come from. I'm sorry it's something you are currently dealing with. From your blog I've noticed that your life consists of work, working out, school, and food. I think you need to introduce something new into your life that can take your mind off the food and exercise, something that will give you a new appreciation of your beauty and your body. Maybe this new gym will help, not only are you getting your workout but I'm sure you will see your body as efficient, strong and capable of many things. Plus you'll learn to kick ass! And you know how important I think that is! I'm looking forward to you future post when you tell us how happy you are and how your mind, body, spirit and heart are all being properly taken care of and healthy and balanced.
Sending hugs your way...
Posted By:
04/02/2007 22:15
Thank you
... for putting yourself out there and showing that you are human like those of us still struggling to lose the weight.
There was a lady at the WW meeting last week that is at goal "lifetime" and she said that same thing: it's harder to maintain the loss than lose the pounds.
Ok, regards to the depression, etc. Have you talked with your doctor or a counselor? You don't have to feel this way. I keep saying to my own doctor: I have lost XX amount of weight, I am eating this, this and this different and exercising XX amount per week, I should be feeling better. I want to feel better. Dammit. OK, so get talking to someone other than who tells you to sleep all day or go eat, those won't solve how you feel.
Have you heard of the FLY Lady? Marla Cilly? Check out www.flylady.org. She is awesome!! Check into her book called "Body Clutter" hon, you can get it from www.amazon.com for less than $10 bucks, I think. It will help you deal with things from the inside out. You have done great dealing with the outside, now we'll get you dealing with the inside.
Have a better week, I am praying for ya and thinking of you and let me know anytime if you need anything. (( Hugs ))
and at the same time give us the knowledge so when we al reach maintenance zone we are not overwhelmed. You know from reading my blog over the past few weeks that I understand you totally. From Little Ms Sunshine to all of a sudden going through what I thought was depression. I would go to work, then run home and just lay in bed. As if waiting for someone else to handle all of the stuff in my head and heart. I grew during those days...after frustrating myself into tears. But excercise was a real motivator to self-talk and a deeper look into what was causing me to feel to inadequate, sad, unappreciated and unloved. The walking...which no longer was excercise, but my way to escape into my self-talk mood was extremely helpful. Thankfully I also have my fitness buddy who would rescue me when I fell below ground.
I'm here for you...you can write to me at my email....I'm only a click away. You have motivated me, inspired me and at such a young age have taught me so many lessons in such a little amount of time. You deserve to enjoy your success. I think the new gym is a positive step forward. Thank you for sharing...you honor us with your trust! WHen one ask for help, we open ourselves up to recovery.
Stay Strong, and remember I am always here for you!
Hey Alexia! First of all, your opening paragraph totally made me jealous. I miss the AZ sun sooo much. I love Tucson too-no matter what people say. I too feel a sense of comfort in that city. I can't tell you how many times I think about moving back there but I can't because of my boyfriend. However, if we ever break up I will be on a flight to Tucson the next day-promise!
As for the obsession, I don't how you are feeling but I have obsessed about my weight for most of my life. So, I do know what it is like to have those thoughts consume you. To wish they would go away, and for once you could think about something else. Or, at least that is how I feel. There are sooo many days where if I just had 5 minutes where I didn't think about what I ate, when I'm going to eat again, what I'm going to eat, when I'm going to exercise, what I'm going to do for my exercise; my mind would be so free. Think about all the time we put into thinking about those things and then think about other things we could do with that time. But it's hard. It takes time and getting used to. What I have been doing lately is, not watching the E! channel (I love that channel), not reading celebrity gossip magazines or anything that advertises for losing weight. They want you to feel like you don't look good enough. When in fact you look great! But they (Hollywood, media and the fashion industry) don't make money by telling you those things, they make money by making you feel like you constantly need to lose more weight. Maybe staying away from that stuff will help (I don't know if you are into that stuff). Also, it's perfectly normal to be confused and depressed right now. You have just spent an enormous amount of time achieving a goal. Now you have that goal-so what are you supposed to do now??? Only you can decide that. So take some time for yourself and don't feel like you need to know the answer today, tomorrow or even next week. Just keep doing what you are doing and the you'll find the answer. Sorry if that sounds corney. Maybe try a new hobbie or make plans to travel somewhere. Even if you just go to Penguins. Good luck and thanks for sharing!
P.S. I miss Sweet Tomatoes like no one's business!!!!! I would come back to Tuscon just for that restuarant. Okay, that sounds really sad...I have issues.
first of all, know you are not the only one to have these feelings. especially for us women (and getting to be for men too), image as well as health is a big issue - as strength33 said - it's plastered all over the media. i agree that food obsession is not a great place to be, or always thinking about your next snack/meal/workout, but i do it too. i like the days i get to the gym in the morning so i don't have to think about it the rest of the day! you are NOT alone. we all struggle with these issues - trying to find a happy medium between being in control and obsession with what we put in our bodies.
there was a time in my life when i never thought about food other than when eating or looking forward to a special treat - back when i could eat whatever i wanted and not gain weight. food was purely for 1) nourishment and occassionally for 2) pleasure of a treat now and then. note at the time i also did not use food for comfort or have binge eating episodes where i would feel sick from eating too much. i have accepted that those totally carefree days are over - i will probably always watch what i eat from now on, and i am happy with that decision. YES, i would like to be less obsessive about it, and yes, I do believe that I (and you too!) will get to that point eventually, but I know it will take time. between that and the alternative of being out of control with food (eating rows of oreos again or a pint of ben and jerrys in a sitting), i think this is the better route - for my mental health AND my physical health.
about maintenance - i'm not there yet, but i know it is going to be hard. all of a sudden you have to make changes to your diet again - and inevitably you will need to make small adjustments along the way as everyone's body is different. it's ok and natural to feel lost while you're trying to find your body's personal balance point.
anyway, just my two cents. don't forget to smile - it always makes me feel better! :) laughing is good too - sometimes i laugh at my obsessiveness about food and it makes me smile and feel better. and reading your blog always puts me in a good mood, even if you're talking about something heavy! it's much better when you get things out!! take care alexia!
... doesn't it? Sometimes you just have to put it all down in writing so you can sit back and take stock. I think it is great that you are acknowledging your feelings and sharing them with the rest of us. I'm sure you'll get tons of support today.
I don't know what to tell you, you seem to have taken great steps to help yourself out of this funk. You wrote it out, acknowledged it, and made a plan. Trying a new gym will surely give you back that much-needed energy and motivation you're looking for.
Your blog reminds me of a show I saw on Oprah a while back. There were a few ladies who had a gastric bypass surgery to lose weight. It was interesting what they had to say after they lost all that weight. They couldn't consume a lot of food in their stomach and they didn't realized at that time, food was their comfort zone to deal with the stress of life. After the surgery, they couldn't do that. So they turn to alochol.
Basically they were saying that when you do something to lose weight to achieve your goal, it helps you distract your focus on the stress of your life. But once you get there, it's harder to keep that focus.
So you end up trying to find a way to deal with stress. I hope I'm making sense here. I find this hard to explain myself. The word addiction come to mind. We all have some addictions in our life that sometimes we're not aware of and once we achieve that goal of addictions, we find something else to be addicted to.
I'm not saying you can go out and be addicted to alochol. That's the last thing I want you to do. Basically I just wanted to mention that's what I think it is.
I'm glad you're sharing this. I'm not at my goal yet and I don't know how it will be for me when I get there. But I can see myself dealing with the same issue that you're having now with maintenance.
I think the kickboxing class is a great idea and hope you like it. It's pretty challenging from what I heard. Hope you have a great day!
This is your blog and it's about honesty. Get it out!
I have no clue what maintenance is like and I know I will one day. I think the hard part is that you are still doing all the hard work. But, now, you aren't seeing the scale go down anymore.
I don't know what the "solution" is. I just know that you have worked so hard and you look great! You are an inspiration! Truly! I hope you get out of your "funk" soon. I really think I'm going to rename this month FUNK! I don't really have that power, though, so we'll continue to call it Funky April!
For sharing with us. I know what you're saying completely and even though I'm not at goal, I struggle with it almost everyday, regardless of what I said before about living life without regrets. It's hard. I don't know if it's because I've been doing this for so long that now I'm overly critical of myself and am really afraid of failing at this. I see my flaws more now than I ever did at 230 lbs...perhaps because now I'm focused on them like never before. I don't know.
I also think it doesn't help me that not anyone I know in real life has lost weight and been successful at it and I worry that people are waiting for me to fail too, so I'm even harder on myself than I normally would..and then there's that perfection thing. :) I do think you're normal. Well compared to me. LOL!
Maybe this new gym will be just what you need, that will give you and new hobby that will keep you exercising and active and you'll probably find friends that will share in your active lifestyle. I don't know if you have friends that are active..I don't. I can't even get anyone to take a walk with me but my dd.
I hope that you can work through this and I don't hesitate sharing your worries with us. :)
WOW, I jsut got thru checking outyour blog. Surely you hear this all the time, but you have done so well. And you know what, it's okay to air out your feelings. We all get down sometime. Though this may not help YOU, it's actually a good reality check to others, in that weight loss is not the be all-end all, life is still there, it's still tough, and we will still have to deal with our food issues (and other things) once we reach goal--yet another reminder of the oversused by true saying that "weight loss is not a destination, but a journey."
Sorry if what I'm saying is not particularly helfpul, but I do think that your blog and what you've said here is very helpful to others on their way--like me.
Congrats on your weight loss, you look FANTASTIC. I'm adding you as a friend so that whenever I get down, I can remind myself that it's possible...Thanks!
