why????

Here I am trying to better myself and yet I feel like total crap STILL.  I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a big open room, screaming for attention, but nobody is around or they are just ignoring me.  Sometimes this whole being single thing really sucks.  I know that it does have some advantages, but DANG!  I feel like EVERYONE I know is paired up.  No matter what I do, I am always the odd one.  At this point, it is actually pretty bad.  As I get older, my friends keep having babies, some are on their second one (or more) and I just feel like everyone is part of some club that I'm not allowed to join.  And I know they are busy with their own families and everything, but what about me???  What am I supposed to do?  I just feel totally left out of life and left behind too.  I don't even have a boyfriend, not to mention a husband or family!!  No potential for one either.  I just don't know what to do.  I feel so hopeless sometimes.  I have things to be proud of and I am very independent.  And while that's all great in its own way, this is not how I thought it would go.  What is so wrong with me that no one will even give me a chance?  Am I THAT terrible?  Sometimes I just hurt inside because it seems that nothing will ever change.  And I'm afraid that I'm becoming more and more bitter and resentful.  At who?  Well, everyone and everything, including myself.  I get so mad because I want someone, somewhere to see *something* in me...and when they don't, I get bitter and resentful.  And I'm not simply talking about physical beauty.  It would be nice for someone to see past all that and see something in me worth their time.  And while I know that losing weight may help me feel better about myself in some ways, it will not solve my problems.  I will still be the same person, with the same fears and the same feeling of rejection by the world.  And if by some chance someone pays me attention after this weight is gone, I fear that I will always be suspicious that they probably wouldn't have given me the time I day if I was still FAT.  I also feel that I can't even really express these feelings that I'm having to anyone because people will think that I am crazy....like I am fine and have nothing to worry about and that this is all irrational.  But ya know what, I think that's because they wouldn't understand how/why I feel this way because they have never been in this situation.  They have never been alone this long.  And while I know that everyone has their own set of problems, I would like to feel as though mine are acknowledged as something valid and NOT like I am a crazy person.

Hun

your bleeding gorgeous so just keep it that way! Men are like buses, you spend ages waitin for one and then just when you decide to walk and are between stops, two arrive at once! i know the feeling of everyone being paired up and you being single but there are plus points, no dirty boxers on the floor,  no duvet hogging, no beard trimmings in the sink...and this is just the clean stuff :), and remember, we here at EP are ready to listen to you scream anytime ya like

xx

Wow

That could have been written by me a few years ago ... quite freaky actually.  I know exactly how that feels - and it's so hard not to turn it in on yourself to think that it's because of you.  Trust me, it isn't ... and if you focus on that you will become bitter and twisted!  Well OK, maybe not.

I really, really struggled - both with friends and with trying to find a partner who saw me for who I was and didn't care if I was fat, or spotty, or both ... oh hell, I would have settled for someone who did care about those things to be brutally honest.  Although it wouldn't have done much for my self-esteem, it would have felt better than being on my own because at least someone would have wanted me.

Looking back now (married by the way), it's so easy to say "Gosh that would have been such an unhealthy state of mind and no-one should just settle for a chap that doesn't love you unconditionally" ... but it so isn't when you're in it!

So ... what changed?  I took the plunge and started internet dating.  I figured that even if I got a few dates out of it, and had some stories to tell at work the next day, it would at least get me out of the rut of working, feeling lonely wherever I was, whoever I was with, and then eating the entire pizza/Chinese takeaway menu.  I had a blast!  I admit that some of them were total fruitcakes, but it was still fun.  And these guys were mostly as insecure as I was, just hadn't been able to find someone that was right for them either.

In the end, after about 10 dates, I met the most unsuitable guy who kept popping up on my 'top 10' list - lived the other end of the country, had an 18 yr old daughter (I was 29), 10 yrs older than me, didn't have a job .... it all looked really bad.  But we met anyway, first weekend of March 2002.  We married in July 2002, and have been blissfully happy together since then.

I'm not saying it's not an unconventional hookup, and our marriage has been unusual at times too as we didn't take much time to get to know each other - but we'd both been hurt, and neither of us had any self confidence at all.  We're just right for each other.  Ramble ramble ramble .... sorry, didn't mean to throw a mushy story out there!

The point is that after being single for 10 years, feeling like no-one could ever want to be anywhere near me, I did find someone.  And if I can, you can!  Keep the faith ... it is possible   It is just really hard to meet people these days.

You're not crazy

and don't ever let anyone make you feel like you are!!  What you feel are your feelings.  They belong to you.  They are what they are and no one can take that away whether they understand them or not.  They are yours.

Even though I am married, I can definitely understand and feel what you're going through.  And there is a man out there made for you.  I can't tell you where he is or how to find him, but you'll know it when you have.  And he'll have been worth the wait.  He'll be someone to help you when you feel this low and build you back up.