I did it!

Well, I did some complaining over the weekend about being lonely and all that kind of stuff.  And I actually had a couple of people suggest that I give online dating a try.  I have actually done it before but it was a few years ago.  Sooo, I decided to go ahead and give it another whirl.  What have a got to lose...besides money?? haha  So maybe I will be one of those lucky eharmony success stories.  I sure enough ain't havin' much luck the old fashioned way! 

not so hot...

Well, I did really well for a solid week and now I've already fallen off the wagon a bit.  I have had a bit of a "low" weekend.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, just read my last post.  It's pretty pathetic actually and a little embarassing that I've wrote it for others to see.  But whatever, it is what it is.  That's the whole point of this, right?  Anyway, food is my comfort and I have been emotionally drained this last weekend and even now still.  Plus I seem to be getting sick on top of that so I am no mood to fight or be strong.  But hey, this too shall pass and I will get back on track....it might just have to be tomorrow instead of today.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

why????

Here I am trying to better myself and yet I feel like total crap STILL.  I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a big open room, screaming for attention, but nobody is around or they are just ignoring me.  Sometimes this whole being single thing really sucks.  I know that it does have some advantages, but DANG!  I feel like EVERYONE I know is paired up.  No matter what I do, I am always the odd one.  At this point, it is actually pretty bad.  As I get older, my friends keep having babies, some are on their second one (or more) and I just feel like everyone is part of some club that I'm not allowed to join.  And I know they are busy with their own families and everything, but what about me???  What am I supposed to do?  I just feel totally left out of life and left behind too.  I don't even have a boyfriend, not to mention a husband or family!!  No potential for one either.  I just don't know what to do.  I feel so hopeless sometimes.  I have things to be proud of and I am very independent.  And while that's all great in its own way, this is not how I thought it would go.  What is so wrong with me that no one will even give me a chance?  Am I THAT terrible?  Sometimes I just hurt inside because it seems that nothing will ever change.  And I'm afraid that I'm becoming more and more bitter and resentful.  At who?  Well, everyone and everything, including myself.  I get so mad because I want someone, somewhere to see *something* in me...and when they don't, I get bitter and resentful.  And I'm not simply talking about physical beauty.  It would be nice for someone to see past all that and see something in me worth their time.  And while I know that losing weight may help me feel better about myself in some ways, it will not solve my problems.  I will still be the same person, with the same fears and the same feeling of rejection by the world.  And if by some chance someone pays me attention after this weight is gone, I fear that I will always be suspicious that they probably wouldn't have given me the time I day if I was still FAT.  I also feel that I can't even really express these feelings that I'm having to anyone because people will think that I am crazy....like I am fine and have nothing to worry about and that this is all irrational.  But ya know what, I think that's because they wouldn't understand how/why I feel this way because they have never been in this situation.  They have never been alone this long.  And while I know that everyone has their own set of problems, I would like to feel as though mine are acknowledged as something valid and NOT like I am a crazy person.

blahhhh

Still doing good staying on track with my points, but am feeling a bit down today.  It is a holiday weekend and I have absolutely NO plans...none at all.  Have not been invited to any BBQs or anything.  Feel like a complete loser, unwanted and unloved.  Everyone is so busy with their own families and stuff that I guess they don't have time for lonely little ol' me.  Forgive me for having a little pity party for myself......

Dinner

Well, as I mentioned yesterday, went to the Mexican restaurant for dinner tonight.  I ordered exactly what I said I would and it was great.  I also counted out a portion of chips and stuck to it.  After I ate my dinner, I was very tempted to order this little dessert thingy called sopapillas or something like that.  It's like a tortilla drizzled with honey and cinnamon.  I think it wouldn't have been too bad for me to have it, but I knew that I was full and that I would be eating it to satisfy my head, not my actual hunger or body.  So I didn't have it.  And I'm totally ok with that.  It's not the end of the world.  I can always get it another time.  My life and feelings don't have to revolve around what I want to eat all the dang time.  I'm tired of food having control over me!  *I* want to have control over me!  So anways, I consider that another small victory.

I think this weekend will be a test for me too.  Just being around the house might cause me a problem.  But I will be journaling and tracking my points and trying not to let my emotional eating and crap get the best of me!

I have been pretty happy feeling this week so I'm hoping that will carry me through the weekend and beyond.........  :)

WOOHOO!

I "officially" weighed this morning and I have lost 4 pounds this week!  YAY!  I know that more comes off the first couple of weeks, but still.  I am glad to get off to a good start because it gives me some extra motivation to keep going!  :)

p.s.

Friday mornings are going to be my "official" weigh-in time at home so hopefully I will have something great to report in the morning! 

Good day!

Well, I have had a really good day today.  Have been totally on track and within my points range for the day.  I weighed myself last night and was down three pounds....and that was after I had eaten dinner.  I could NOT believe.  I just weighed again this evening, before dinner, and I am down some more.  I know that it comes off fast in the first couple of weeks, but it's still a great motivation to keep going.  It's encouraging to say the least. 

I always eat out with my family on Friday nights so that's not always an easy time to watch it.  But I already know where we're eating and I've already decided what I'm going to have.  We're eating at a Mexican restaurant and I'm having this salad thingy.  It's basically lettuce, tomatoes, grilled chicken, shredded cheese, and if there's other stuff, it's just some other veggies.  They give you dressing to put on it, but I don't like the dressing anyway so I will use salsa as my dressing.  And they have GREAT salsa there!  I may indulge in a few chips with some salsa too but I will limit the amount of chips I eat.  Sounds like a plan to me!  :)

9 school days and counting!!!!!!!!!!!!

Victory!

It is now 9:19 pm and I am going to walk the dogs then go to bed!   I did NOT make the cornbread that I have been longing for the last two nights!  LOL  I consider that a VICTORY!   And since I am now going to bed, I know that I have won....for tonight!  hahaha

ugh

Blah! I'm in a rotten mood today.  Have roaring PMS and a huge (and very painful) "blemish" on my jaw line.  :(  There are only 10 school days left and my kids (students) are driving me NUTS!  I am tired and weak and would like to just lay down and pass out for a while! LOL I am definitely in the mood for some comfort food.  The cornbread that I was sooo wanting yesterday is still calling my name..............

As I read in someone else's blog earlier, I think that in some way I expect immediate results.  I want to see or feel some difference right away.  The problem is that this is unrealistic.......and yet even though I know it's not realistic, if it doesn't happen, I feel like a failure.  Stupid, stupid me.....I am my own worst enemy!  Why can't I be more positive?  Why can't I be nicer to myself?  Why do I sabotage (sp?) myself every chance I get?  Why???  Why??? Why???