07/18/2010 05:26
fear of my successful being
I think I am afraid to succeed.
Well, there's a little more to it than that.
I am afraid to be that successful person. I've been this other person who relies on bad habits and hides from the scary parts of life for as long as I can remember. I am afraid to truly shed that persona and be this person I am becoming. Part of it is fear of the unknown. Part of it is my struggle with being a perfectionist. I want to be sure I will be very successful with few bumps along the way. Well, that's not very realistic. I want to retreat, but I can't. I have to keep moving forward for myself. I know it's the right thing to do.
I had a really great week. Vacations, trips, holidays are mostly over for the summer. I am back to my routine of gym, work, and extracurriculars. I had the best talks with my brother this week about running and he was very encouraging. Those talks helped me break through a mental barrier, and the end result was that I had the best 2 runs I have ever had this week. There is no turning back because I am beginning to see what I am capable of. I am very excited about the possibilities that are ahead for me in the running world, but I am also terrified. What if I don't succeed? But how can I not succeed??? I am so determined, and I feel like a different person. I have the tools I need and I have been using them. It's just scary not to lean back on old habits during moments when I am unsure. Today's been a struggle for that.
I choose to look forward and not retreat back.
I choose to embrace the new me and to shape her into a confident, sure, well-rounded person.
I choose to love myself and treat myself well.
I choose to be the me I have always deserved to be.