Okay, so I typically process out loud.  I call one of my friends and they listen while I talke it out.  I point out my own irrational thoughts, I correct them and my friends pat me on the bakc and spur me on.  I have purposefully isolated myself this weekend in order to get some rest and go into deeper processing of thoughts and emotions.  Now, I usually don't like to be so unpolished on this website, but I need to work through my thoughts.  So feel blessed, elinghtened, encouraged, confused, whatever.  Here's a view into my mind (and I promise it's not all negative!). 

As I have mentioned in the past, I am really  good at being too hard on myself.  I have this need to be perfect, and I have been known to punish myself severely for not meeting my impossible expectations.  I know that this stems from the unhealthy coping mechanisms I developed as a child.  When I was a kid, I didn’t feel like I got the love I needed and deserved.  I always earned attention from being the bubbly, smart girl.  And there is a part of me that really enjoys being that bubbly, happy person.  But part of that persona is just an act, a way for people to be attracted to me and want me to be their friend, their favorite student, the reliable one, the fun one.  To this day, I have to fight myself sometimes to not try to earn other people’s affections.  I am learning not to care what everyone thinks of me.  The most important thing is what God thinks of me and what I think of me.  And I don’t always think the best of myself.  I translate that urge to earn affection from others to loving myself with conditions.  If I am not successful at meeting an expectation, no matter how ridiculous, I find it hard to love myself.  This is a daily battle.  I am in a period of life where I am not hatin on myself as much as I was during the winter, and for that I am very grateful.  This winter was one of the most difficult periods in my life.  I’ve stopped bingeing all the time (now I only do it occasionally, and they aren’t as bad and I can usually pinpoint the reason I started the binge in the first place and deal with it).  I’ve accepted that there are only so many hours in the day and I need sleep and I need a mental break sometimes.  But I’ve noticed that I’ve let the break go too far.  It seems like, lately, there’s been more resting than working.  I think this avoidance is a coping mechanism.  It’s like I’ve replaced bingeing with TV, movies, and lying around.  What I want to know is what/why I am avoiding accomplishing things in life.   I believe part of it is that I truly did need a period of rest.  Well, that period of rest needs to be over and I need to get busy.  I feel like I have become weary of working so hard because I know what it takes and I don’t know that I can do it long-term, so I don’t bother starting.  I need to remind myself that I am capable of doing ANYTHING.  I also need to remind myself to only focus on the current moment, or I will continue to be overwhelmed.  I have this great impatience-I want to be at goal now.  I don’t want to struggle for the rest of my life.  I want to feel accomplished in the health and fitness arena.  I want my body to reflect knowledge-applied.  I need to not compare myself to others, to friends of mine that don’t struggle to lose weight.  I need to compare the me of right now to the me of a minute ago and make sure I continue to press on and not worry about anything else. 

So how am I going to accomplish this?  I am a planner at the core.  I like having a plan with the details outlined.  Now, I can be flexible and adapt to changes, but I like to have a direction I am headed in.  There is security in that order.  So, what’s this week’s plan?
~plan a menu (I already made a giant salad yesterday, so I can easily have salad every day this week).  Also on the menu will be yummy steamed veggies - lots of them – and barley or steel cut oats.  I am loving all the fresh fruits and vegetables I got from the produce co-op yesterday!
~plan a schedule.  Go to bed on time.  Get up on time.  Don’t be lazy.  I dozed on the couch all day yesterday, so I’m caught up on sleep.  No excuse there.
~Daily affirmations.  I think I need to speak well of myself out loud each day this week to remind myself that I am fabulous.  That will help spur me on.
~continue Bible study book.  When I am focused on God, I am encouraged to live like the person He created me to be.

Eek!  I also have some nervousness.  I will be seeing family members at the end of June and I am bracing myself for conversations about my weight.  My mother and grandmother will be watching every little morsel I put in my mouth, and that feels like pressure.  My mom will take her cues about how much cheating is allowed from me, all the while complaining about the way she looks and vowing to be healthy when she gets back home.  My grandmother…is my grandmother.  Too blunt about her dissatisfaction with my size for my entire life.  Part of the reason we don’t have a huge emotional connection-I didn’t want to be vulnerable with her when she never filtered her commentary.  But I love her and want to know her.  I am a grown woman now and can defend myself against her and/or cleverly change the conversation.  I am most excited to see my brother!  I was hoping to be able to go for a run with him while he was here for his break, but I’m not quite ready for running with him.  I still have a long way to go before I’ll be able to run with people who actually know how to run.  I want to take a running 101 class at the shoe store, but I’m too chicken (and cheap-it costs $125).  Someday I will.  Until then, I’ll continue running at the marina and the gym.  I’m going to be okay.  And even if it takes 10 years to accomplish some of these health goals I have, I’m going to be successful.  I already am.  And I am just as worthy of a person on this end of the journey as I will be at the other end.  And I'm going to be alright.