the woman in me

Losing Weight. Finding so much more.

My Profile

  • Name: the woman in me
  • City: Dallas
  • Region: Texas
  • Country: United States

My Weight Loss

Height: 167.6cm
Start weight: 312.00lb
Current weight: 299.00lb
Goal weight: 145.00lb
Lost to date: 13.00lb
Remaining: 154.00lb

My Calendar

27
May '12
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My Photos

Before After
Really Simple Syndication
10/25/2010 18:03

a partner in crime

I wish I had a running partner.
 
This has been an emotional journey for me, and I wish I had someone next to me to distract me from the noise inside my head.  There are definite benefits to pulling myself up by the bootstraps and relying solely on myself to get through a workout, to making it out the door for a run, etc.  It would just be easier/more fun if I could share the experience with someone sometimes.
 
I went to a seminar last night about how to get your brain on track with the running you are doing.  Ever heard it said that running is so much more a mental thing than a physical thing?  So true!  I'm working on the positive affirmations and other things to help my running time be more enjoyable and productive. 
 
The seminar leader recommended a book for me to read based on some of the thoughts I have to fight through.  I picked it up last night and hope to read it soon. 
 
 

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10/15/2010 17:28

lesson learned?

Happy Friday!
 
I'm sooo looking forward to this weekend!  I will be resting, running and relaxing (with a little housework thrown in there, too!).  Only 5 hours left in my workday until I am free!
 
I am considering a run this evening.  I was up this morning at the usual time for my morning run.  I tried to run, I really did.  But today my legs were not at all interested in moving.  I know the culprit: I have not gone to bed on time for the last couple of days.  I think I am learning that I HAVE to sleep in order to run well.  I am not in love with running yet.  Well, let me amend that statement.  In my mind, running is a great thing.  My body is working on becoming better at running, but I still find it uncomfortable and physically challenging.  I keep running, though, because it's good for me and slowly but surely I am making progress.  Except today.  My legs were burning almost instantly and I ended up walking half of the 3 miles I did.  Boo.  Lesson learned.  I will make a better effort to go to bed on time and not stay up to watch stupid TV.  That's what DVR is for...

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10/13/2010 20:24

fair fare

It's that time of year again: fair season!
 
I visited the Texas State Fair yesterday for some fun times with some friends.  I had a blast watching the kiddos in our group on the rides, playing games, riding the ferris wheel and seeing the sights.  I was really worried about what I would eat.  Now, there is not really such a thing as healthy food at the Texas State Fair...the fair is known for deep frying everything (this year the award-winner was deep fried beer...).  I did manage to find one almost healthy item: a banana dipped in chocolate and frozen.  It just had a little chocolate on it.  It was fairly tasty.  They also had roasted corn on the cob, but I wasn't able to eat any because of my braces.  My friend said the corn was really good though.
 
I did not get on the scale this morning to see what damage was done with the funnel cake, nachos, etc. that were also consumed.  I am at peace with knowing I ate some food, didn't gorge myself, but had a good time.  Had there been a healthy option, I would have eaten it.  That's life sometimes (I just make sure it's only once in a while that I have days like that, and not an every day thing).
 
One thing I am regretting today: my choice of footwear!  I should have worn sneakers, but was in flip flops instead.  My calves are a little sore today.  Of course, that could be from the 30 minute stair climber session I had yesterday morning or the cumulative exercise I've had for the last several days.  Either way, I am very thankful for my foam roller!  That thing really helps to work out the kinks!
 
Looking forward to the weekend and catching up on some household chores and rest.  :)

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10/11/2010 18:21

running in the rain

It was still dark outside at 6am.  It didn't matter to me...I was running anyway.  This was only my 3rd outdoor run this fall.  I'm still painfully slow, but I will get better as I continue to run.  I enjoyed myself this morning.  It took over a mile before my body was actually awake and running smoothly, but after that first mile I was able to increase speed a little and actually enjoy the soft sounds of my footfalls.  I had an earbud in one ear (I can't run without music!) and one ear free to hear the sounds of the surroundings.  A song came on about halfway through the run, and it was just so appropriate.  I hadn't heard it before, so I looked up the lyrics after I got home.  Now, I'm not endorsing the band (I really don't even know who they are...) but I loved these lyrics and how appropriate they were for my run:
 
Fort Minor: Remember the Name (chorus)
 
this is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill, fifteen percent concentrated power of will, five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain, and a hundred percent reason to remember the name.
 
As I heard that refrain over and over during the song, I imagined myself running great distances, in races, and hearing them announce my name as I cross the finish line.  Great motivator!
 
The other great motivater: it began to rain!  I checked the weather before I went out and there was no rain scheduled for this morning.  Guess the weather people got it a bit wrong.  It was almost 70 degrees outside, so the rain felt nice.  But it was still dark and so the rain made it even more difficult to see.  I was running in an area that is barricaded so no cars can drive there, so I felt safe from being hit.  I'm sure I was a funny sight to the cars that were driving nearby.  I bet they even felt sorry for me.  Well, they didn't need to feel sorry-I was having a good time.  :)
 
 
The lose 100 by September 30 is underway.  I'm settling on a workout schedule and still trying to figure out just what I need to eat.  I am resigned to having to get up at 5am in order to get my workout in.  I just don't make it to the gym in the evenings, so mornings it is. 
 
I told a friend yesterday my actual weight.  She is the only person besides my doctor that knows my true weight.  Hard conversation.  Worth it?  I don't know yet (but I think so).  Glad I did it?  Jury's still out on that one too.  But she knows, and she's trying to be more sensitive now that she knows.  And more encouraging.  I trust her (that's why we're friends), but it's still hard to share that stuff.
 
I am planning to sign up for the Turkey Trot, a Thanksgiving Day 5k in the area.  I'm super excited about that event.  It will be the first 5k that I run the whole time.  This morning was the first time I ran that distance straight through.  So now I know I can do it (even i the pouring rain!), and there is no excuse, only time to get faster.  There are 6 weeks until Thanksgiving, so I will definitely improve.  :)
 
Choosing to LOVE myself today!
 

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08/18/2010 03:29

setting a goal?

I read a story today about a woman who challenged herself to lose 100 lbs in one year, and she did it!  This woman is just beautiful.  It made me think all day about that goal and why I've never set it for myself. 
 
I think I'm afraid of it.  Afraid of the expectation.  Afraid that I might actually accomplish it.
 
Wow.
 
I am considering making this a hard-core goal of mine, and attaching some real incentive to it (well, besides my health).

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08/09/2010 22:55

Brain Race

Recognizing the problem is half the battle, right?
 
I had a frenetic workout because I had a horrible night of sleep.  I got in bed on time, but could not turn off my brain at all!  I am contemplating a HUGE move (halfway across the country) and was up thinking about it.  After 2 hours of laying in bed, I got up at midnight, turned the lights back on, and did an art project for an hour, then updated my resume and wrote a cover letter (that took another hour).  When I finally got back to being ready for sleep, it was 3 am and I was going to have only 2 hours before the alarm.  Ick.  I stayed in bed a little later (thank God I have extra time on Monday mornings!) and did head to the gym.  But...  I didn't focus on my workout very well because I was tired and also, my brain was racing about other things, so I couldn't just jog in one place and run for 40 minutes while staring at the backside of the person on the machine in front of me.  So...I left early.  At least I put the nervous energy to good use-my kitchen sink is all sparkly now.  :)
 
I am working on letting go of the notion that I must be in control of everything and am waiting on God to let me know if I'm supposed to stay in Texas or make the big move.  It's scary for me when I don't know what the future holds.  I'm working on being patient while I wait for God to show me.  I AM excited because I know that whatever lies ahead is going to be awesome!  And no guilt trips over the half a workout I skipped out on today.  I will get up tomorrow and go to the gym again.  It's life. 

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07/26/2010 03:20

sleep and measurements

It’s hard to hold myself accountable sometimes.  It’s important, though, that I am honest with myself about where I am and where I am headed.  I had a good talk with a friend today and was honest with myself and my friend about how I am currently approaching my health and my responsibilities.  The talk definitely encouraged me to keep moving forward.  I am proud of myself for being so diligent in making healthy choices.  Healthy foods, healthy workouts, healthy habits in general.  It’s good stuff. 

I have been striving for going to bed by 10pm and getting up at 5am so that I can hit the gym in the morning.  Surprisingly, this schedule works well for me IF I get to bed on time.  If I get to bed late, I am exhausted the next day, which messes me up the following morning.  For this week, I am going to work really hard at sticking to my schedule.  I decided to unplug my TV for the week as well.  I don’t generally watch a lot of TV to begin with, but sometimes I sit on the floor in the living room and instead of getting up when it’s time to get ready for bed, I just space out into the television (mostly universal sports or PBS, but still a waste of time).  So, I’ve unplugged the TV.  I am also setting restrictions for the computer: there will be no watching of TV on the computer in my bed.  Actually, there will be no computer anything from my bed.  The computer will stay out of the bedroom.  I hope I will get some really good rest this week.

I did something scary for me: I have asked a friend to help me take measurements once a month.  I decided that I should keep track of my journey so that I am aware of what my body is up to and so that I have documentation of where I’ve been.  I think the information will be useful  in telling my story someday (I do public speaking events sometimes and I like to use personal motivational stories when connecting to my audience).  It will be motivational for me to look back at my journey and how far I’ve come and seeing that distance will spur me on.  Also, my pride will help to spur me on.  Since I know my friend will be seeing my progress each month as she takes the measurements, I will want to have some progress to report.  That should help me get to the gym on the days that I don’t really want to get up.  Asking this friend was hard for me because nobody in my life knows how much I weigh and what my measurements are.  This friends is definitely small (smaller than I anticipate I will ever be), and I already feel very large next to her.  But I know she will help me and do nothing but encourage me in my journey and I can trust her with this information that makes me feel so vulnerable.  Having this friend help me is an exercise in trust and also faith in myself and acknowledgement of my own self-worth.  So it’s a good thing.   I’m kind of excited to see what my measurements are next weekend.  I have decided to measure around the 1st of each month.  I will continue to weigh myself often (I know it’s bad, but I get on the scale almost every day-it’s a daily reminder to behave with the food that day so the number doesn’t go up).    I wish that I had taken my measurements at the very beginning, but I didn’t.  At least I’m starting now.  J

                                                                                                                                                                                         

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07/18/2010 05:26

fear of my successful being

I think I am afraid to succeed.
 
Well, there's a little more to it than that.
 
I am afraid to be that successful person.  I've been this other person who relies on bad habits and hides from the scary parts of life for as long as I can remember.  I am afraid to truly shed that persona and be this person I am becoming.  Part of it is fear of the unknown.  Part of it is my struggle with being a perfectionist.  I want to be sure I will be very successful with few bumps along the way.  Well, that's not very realistic.  I want to retreat, but I can't.  I have to keep moving forward for myself.  I know it's the right thing to do.
 
I had a really great week.  Vacations, trips, holidays are mostly over for the summer.  I am back to my routine of gym, work, and extracurriculars.  I had the best talks with my brother this week about running and he was very encouraging.  Those talks helped me break through a mental barrier, and the end result was that I had the best 2 runs I have ever had this week.  There is no turning back because I am beginning to see what I am capable of.  I am very excited about the possibilities that are ahead for me in the running world, but I am also terrified.  What if I don't succeed?  But how can I not succeed???  I am so determined, and I feel like a different person.  I have the tools I need and I have been using them.  It's just scary not to lean back on old habits during moments when I am unsure.  Today's been a struggle for that. 
 
I choose to look forward and not retreat back.
 
I choose to embrace the new me and to shape her into a confident, sure, well-rounded person.
 
I choose to love myself and treat myself well.
 
I choose to be the me I have always deserved to be.

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06/30/2010 02:51

vacations and summer goals

Family vacations...some people anticipate such little trips the way you anticipate a root canal.  Some people are thrilled to be in the same room with their sons and daughters, grandchildren, spouses, sometimes even extended family members.  Inevitably, someone will be unhappy at some point.  It seems that it is usually mom who has the task of smoothing things over and getting everyone to return to the state of bliss that is required while on vacation. 
 
I just returned from a family vacation.  Usually our family outings are not exactly fun, but this trip turned out to be a relatively drama-free one.  I think I enjoyed it so much because I made sure to plan things that I wanted to do, things that make ME happy.  I invited everyone to join me for those activities, but I would have been perfectly fine to enjoy the little excursions on my own had they declined the invitation.  Well, someone joined me for each little excursion and everyone had a good time.  I LOVED playing in the ocean!  I long for the water sometimes.  When I lived on the coast, I didn't visit the beach nearly enough.  Now that I am many hours away from the ocean, I wish I had more access to the water.  Hindsight is 20-20 right?  If I had to do it over again, I would have jumped in the waves more often when I had the chance. 
 
Eating on vacation.  Eating is always so difficult for me when I am out of my routine.  I know that my food choices are a bit peculiar because of food allergies and chosen dietary restrictions (vegan).  Add to that mix that I am now sporting braces, and some of my food choices are very limited.  So eating was a challenge.  I relaxed some of the food restrictions a bit so that I wouldn't have to eat soggy cereal and almond milk for every meal.  Even with more relaxed rules and not working out for a week (other than playing in the ocean and walking around), I only gained 3 pounds.  I really missed the gym and I'm looking forward to getting back there tomorrow.
 
I have a new focal point.  I have a short-term goal/project, a medium-term goal and a long-term goal.  A couple of months ago, I realized that if I hurried up, I could have my teeth all fixed up by my 30th birthday.  Hence the braces.  I also recognized that I have been losing weight slowly and steadily and if I keep committed to my health and continue at the pace I am going, I will be at goal by my 30th birthday.  That's in a year and a half.  I am actually excited to turn 30 because I see all these wonderful things that are in reach at that age!  I can see the finish-line and I am excited to run there.  Literally run...I'm not yet great at running, but I'm enjoying improving little by little each week.  It's certainly a discipline.  Which brings me to the short-term goal: be 5k ready by fall.  I stopped running the couch to 5k program because I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to achieve the specific times and paces the program sets forth and I was having a huge mental block.  I dropped the program and started just running...no times, no goals, run for a while, walk when I need to, then keep running.  Taking away the pressure was wonderful and I've ended up pushing myself much further this way.  I'm still not 5k ready, but I will by by the fall!  The medium-term goal is to get into some great shape for a bridesmaid dress I have to wear sometime in the fall.  I haven't set a specific weight-loss goal or dress size goal for it because a wedding date hasn't been picked yet.  But somewhere between now and December I will have to put on a satin gown and stand before a crowd of people. I plan to look fly in that dress.  That certainly keeps me motivated when I want to buy cookies-I grab a water instead.
 
Life is good.  I am getting into a good rhythm.  Summer has been, and will continue to be, very busy with trips, seeing friends and family, celebrating birthdays, births, engagements, etc. and just enjoying myself.  And I am sooooo glad.  Winter just sucked, so it's nice to be past it and enjoying life again.
 
:)

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05/31/2010 02:26

streamofconsciousness: an internal pep talk

Okay, so I typically process out loud.  I call one of my friends and they listen while I talke it out.  I point out my own irrational thoughts, I correct them and my friends pat me on the bakc and spur me on.  I have purposefully isolated myself this weekend in order to get some rest and go into deeper processing of thoughts and emotions.  Now, I usually don't like to be so unpolished on this website, but I need to work through my thoughts.  So feel blessed, elinghtened, encouraged, confused, whatever.  Here's a view into my mind (and I promise it's not all negative!). 

As I have mentioned in the past, I am really  good at being too hard on myself.  I have this need to be perfect, and I have been known to punish myself severely for not meeting my impossible expectations.  I know that this stems from the unhealthy coping mechanisms I developed as a child.  When I was a kid, I didn’t feel like I got the love I needed and deserved.  I always earned attention from being the bubbly, smart girl.  And there is a part of me that really enjoys being that bubbly, happy person.  But part of that persona is just an act, a way for people to be attracted to me and want me to be their friend, their favorite student, the reliable one, the fun one.  To this day, I have to fight myself sometimes to not try to earn other people’s affections.  I am learning not to care what everyone thinks of me.  The most important thing is what God thinks of me and what I think of me.  And I don’t always think the best of myself.  I translate that urge to earn affection from others to loving myself with conditions.  If I am not successful at meeting an expectation, no matter how ridiculous, I find it hard to love myself.  This is a daily battle.  I am in a period of life where I am not hatin on myself as much as I was during the winter, and for that I am very grateful.  This winter was one of the most difficult periods in my life.  I’ve stopped bingeing all the time (now I only do it occasionally, and they aren’t as bad and I can usually pinpoint the reason I started the binge in the first place and deal with it).  I’ve accepted that there are only so many hours in the day and I need sleep and I need a mental break sometimes.  But I’ve noticed that I’ve let the break go too far.  It seems like, lately, there’s been more resting than working.  I think this avoidance is a coping mechanism.  It’s like I’ve replaced bingeing with TV, movies, and lying around.  What I want to know is what/why I am avoiding accomplishing things in life.   I believe part of it is that I truly did need a period of rest.  Well, that period of rest needs to be over and I need to get busy.  I feel like I have become weary of working so hard because I know what it takes and I don’t know that I can do it long-term, so I don’t bother starting.  I need to remind myself that I am capable of doing ANYTHING.  I also need to remind myself to only focus on the current moment, or I will continue to be overwhelmed.  I have this great impatience-I want to be at goal now.  I don’t want to struggle for the rest of my life.  I want to feel accomplished in the health and fitness arena.  I want my body to reflect knowledge-applied.  I need to not compare myself to others, to friends of mine that don’t struggle to lose weight.  I need to compare the me of right now to the me of a minute ago and make sure I continue to press on and not worry about anything else. 

So how am I going to accomplish this?  I am a planner at the core.  I like having a plan with the details outlined.  Now, I can be flexible and adapt to changes, but I like to have a direction I am headed in.  There is security in that order.  So, what’s this week’s plan?
~plan a menu (I already made a giant salad yesterday, so I can easily have salad every day this week).  Also on the menu will be yummy steamed veggies - lots of them – and barley or steel cut oats.  I am loving all the fresh fruits and vegetables I got from the produce co-op yesterday!
~plan a schedule.  Go to bed on time.  Get up on time.  Don’t be lazy.  I dozed on the couch all day yesterday, so I’m caught up on sleep.  No excuse there.
~Daily affirmations.  I think I need to speak well of myself out loud each day this week to remind myself that I am fabulous.  That will help spur me on.
~continue Bible study book.  When I am focused on God, I am encouraged to live like the person He created me to be.

Eek!  I also have some nervousness.  I will be seeing family members at the end of June and I am bracing myself for conversations about my weight.  My mother and grandmother will be watching every little morsel I put in my mouth, and that feels like pressure.  My mom will take her cues about how much cheating is allowed from me, all the while complaining about the way she looks and vowing to be healthy when she gets back home.  My grandmother…is my grandmother.  Too blunt about her dissatisfaction with my size for my entire life.  Part of the reason we don’t have a huge emotional connection-I didn’t want to be vulnerable with her when she never filtered her commentary.  But I love her and want to know her.  I am a grown woman now and can defend myself against her and/or cleverly change the conversation.  I am most excited to see my brother!  I was hoping to be able to go for a run with him while he was here for his break, but I’m not quite ready for running with him.  I still have a long way to go before I’ll be able to run with people who actually know how to run.  I want to take a running 101 class at the shoe store, but I’m too chicken (and cheap-it costs $125).  Someday I will.  Until then, I’ll continue running at the marina and the gym.  I’m going to be okay.  And even if it takes 10 years to accomplish some of these health goals I have, I’m going to be successful.  I already am.  And I am just as worthy of a person on this end of the journey as I will be at the other end.  And I'm going to be alright.

 

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