i was nice and good

I was nice and good yesterday, only ate salad and stuff, but had to drink a bit of rose wine since i had a friend i havent seen for such a long time. But fore some reason in the morning i was 200g more than yesterday. I guess it may be a. the wine b. my period started. Guess it is just my period, made my body keep more water. Today i had my special toast in the morning (170cal), a sandwich for lunch (200cal), 2 biscuits as snack (103cal) and a bowl of salad for supper. And i was walking nearly all day to show my friend around and i'll be going for a proper walk in half an hour. I guess i am doing fine, although the scale doesn't say so for some reason...

OMG

Oh i cant believe i did it again. All day was fine, did walk, ate as i am supposed to do, but something happens before dawn. My blood sugar is falling down or something. I couldnt stop myself eat at that time, and what earting. It was like a festival  =p So i am still 62.7kg for the third day now without any change. But i am not giving up. I'll do it.

for lunch

I had this very delicious salad for lunch, and ate a lot but it was just salad anyway, so i am still on the track. I guess it totally is around 100 cal since i put some chicken in it. It was just a very small piece, but still...  We did walk a little bit and will go walking again in half an hour which is very nice. I love walking.

here is another day

i still cant manage to sleep in order, but that's one of the sideeffects of the medicine that the doctor gave me. So now i have an excuse for that  =] And anyway the doctor told me not to worry about this kinda stuff at the moment, just do whatever i want for sometime, and then i'll start taking my responsibilities. I wish i went to doctor before, i mean like at least 6 or 7 months ago. Well anyway, what has happened has happened. So as an all day sleeper today's programme is like this:
17:45: breakfast
19:15: snack
20:45: lunch
23:45: snack
02:15: supper
I had breakfast, my special toast with cheese which is 170 cal. and 103 cal for digestive biscuits. I really should have eaten the buscuvits for snack but anyway, breakfast is the most important meal of the day, isn't it? So 273 for breakfast. I am gonna eat veg for lunch and supper.
It is very nice to write here actually, although noone gives me comments except my RLF yet another try  but still it is encouraging to read other people.
bye for now x

not doing very well

So it seems i didnt loose any grams today. Bu i knew it, just before sleeping yesterday, something happened and i started to eat, silly me. Well anyway, couldnt stop myself. I think it's because of not quite planning the day, both the timings and things to eat. And also i was late to sainsbury's to buy some veg for my dinner. That makes a great difference, cause i couldnt find anything else to eat. So it is good anyway, today i learned that if i dont plan my day i cant diet.

went to doctor

I did go to doctor, said i am in a depression and wanted me to use some antidepressan. It wont start to affect for the first 2-3 weeks, but still i feel very proud of myself since i kept my promise and went to see the doctor. Anyway i started my freelance job as well, worked on it all day and night the day before yesterday, but couldnt finish it. And yesterday after the doctor i didnt have any power to do anything. Well anyway the doctor told me not to do anything for a while, not think about my responsibilities since this medicine has lotsa side effects until u got used to it. So today i told them that i am not gonna do it. But suprizingly they gave me another 6 days. So i guess i'll start doing it tomorrow again. And I have to go to uni and learn if i can pause my responsibilities for some time, cause that's what the doctor offerred since i cant do them at the moment anyway..
Well i lost some grams by the way, didnt stop to diet or walk. I am going very slowly, but still i am very happy withmyself cause i didnt stop still. I am 62.7kg now and i definitely hope to be less tomorrow.
Well, that's all for now. Cu all later...//

today

slept at 8 am in the morning as i was busy reading posts around here and woke up at 4 pm. Not a very good start but still i kneow i cant change it all at once. I probably will sleep very late today as well. I have an appointment with a doctor tomorrow morning to see if i need to go to a psyhchologist. And today i am gonna start doing this freelance project i got. The guy wrote me a mail and he is panicking it seems, and since i dont have money i shouldnt loose this small project to earn some. Or i wont be able to pay for my rent anymore. Well anyway, today i feel more dedicated. I ate a type of lower calori tost in the morning (which was at 16:30 =p) and today i am gonna eat regularly as if i woke up early enough for a diet. So here it goes. There should be meals like breakfast, sth in between lunch n breakfast, lunch, sth in between lunch and supper and supper itself. I promise to eat just 2 diet biscuits or an apple after supper cause i am very used to eating late at night, before sleeping, i dont think i will manage to survive. And i'll be working very hard today so i need sth.
Ok. If it was a normal earlier day my program would be sth like this:
10 am: breakfast
11:30: snack
13:00: lunch
16:00: snack
18:30: supper
sleep in between 12 and 2 am
since i already started late i am gonna change this timing for this week:
16:30: breakfast
18:00: snack
19:30: lunch
22:30: snack
01:00: supper
i probably wont sleep until  my appointment which is at 09:30 am in the morning, cause if a sleep say at 7 or 8 in the morning again, i wont be able to get up, i know myself. But for wednesday i promise to get up. Will wake up at aorund 11:00 am which will start to change this sleeping times a lot. I can then slowly turn to normal about sleeping and i definetely should go to to uni on wednesday to start for this dissertation proposal. I dont have much time left.
So this is my plan. I can call and ask my boyfriend for help to goto sleep and wake up and go to uni on wednesday. Yeah, i should do that.
So, i am starting this freelance project now.

complete mess

ok, let's be honest. i wish loosing weight was my only problem. i am 33, divorced, with no job at the moment, no money, loads of debt and a lot of psychological problems. i cant even manage to sleep at night and get up in the morning regularly. i am vey very late for this freelance job i got from my own country and i am not studying at all for the uni, since it is the only reason i am here in this country, to do a master's degree. i had great hopes but i even couldnt manage to pass my lectures. too old, and too depressed i guess. but i should start to do something since it is like a chain now. i cant solve any of my problems and it makes me 1. eat a lot 2. dont sleep at all 3. do nothing to solve my problems 4. run away from everyone i know and i love and hide here in my lonely room 5. do nothing 6. tell lies 7. do nothing 8. do nothing
ok here it goes:

• i wont panic. dont panic
• start doing something at least talk about it with someone, anyone, anyone who wont judge, maybe get some professional help or something
• eat regularly
• sleep regularly
• start doing the freelance job
• start studying for the uni
• rewrite my cv and find a job as soon as i return from my own country
• stop running away from people
• be honest to myself
• dont panic
• and start doing exercise, anything, just walking an hour everyday might do for a start
• do not hate myself
• love myself
• dont panic
• believe i can do it if i start from somewhere and not loose my hope and stop on the second day

There u go...

So, i keep telling myself that i'll start dieting since october. And i gained nearly 10kgs since then. Couldn't keep my summer fit look. Well not fit maybe, but much better. I have to start all over again and i dont think i am actually in the mood to do it. Well, we'll see.. I want to be as thin as i used to be and i know getting there is something but staying there is nearly impossible. I really should change my life style, not only food and exercise but everything, from top to toe  =p