This always happens to me. I get SO super excited and then I start getting restless, hoping for a big loss...God, I am impatient.
TOday, I had a RATHER humiliating experience. I was at Express (the store), trying to buy a shirtdress for work. Now, I dont know why I would think me and my MONSTER hips would fit into anything with BUTTONS that go across that area, but I did. Usually with pants and stuff, I am a 12 and with shirts a 10 or 8...so I embarked on my quest...
I tried on a 12, which was too big up top and around the waist, but too small of course around the hips. So I ask the girl in the fitting room (who was one of these little skinny girls in super high heels thinking she is working at Valentino or Gucci or seomthing) if she could get me the dress in a 14...I figured I could just take it in up top. This b*tch SCREAMS out to the MALE employee if it comes in a bigger size than 12, and then I guess he says no and she calls out to me, in front of everyone that that was the biggest size it went up to and I would have to try something different. I was SO embarrassed.
I just left all the clothes in the room and BOUNCED. Days like that make it hard.
Aaaand, my bf made a stupid joke abt the way I ate something on sunday, which really got to me, so I didnt feel so great. But whatever, what can u do? There are forces everywhere trying to stop me from accomplishing this dream of mine and I just wont let them derail me.
I am SO So SORE!! I ran abt 2.5 miles in the park today. I forgot how hard park running is as averse to the treadmill...U get SO winded! On the other hand, it is much more envigorating than the gym. I am so sick of the gym...
Another good day today. Worked out SO hard. Did interval training on the treadmill with my fastest speed at an 8 min mile. Not too bad for a girl who hasn't run in a few months. Then, I did abt ten minutes of jumping rope.
Eating was good too, except I had too many carbs...(english muffin for breakfast and couscous with dinner.) But other than that, I was on track.
I feel good. I feel good. I feel good.
GOd, it's been so long since I felt that way. I havent even lost anything yet, but I feel like my old self. And my incredible self-loathing that has crippled me in the past few months has been pretty quiet. Instead, I hear the voice that tells me to keep going, to eat healthy, and to take ur lazy ass to the gym, no matter how tired I am. And for THAT, I am thankful.
So far to go still tho, and I cant say it doesnt overwhelm me sometimes.
Anywho, I read a very interesting statistic today in SELF magazine and that is that for every fast food meal you eat each week, you are an avg of 1.5lbs heavier! How scary! And I loooooove fast food. Its gross if you think abt it, but it is such a vice for me. Luckily, I havent been tempted at all in the past few days.
God, please let this motivation be here to stay.
OH YES, and can I just say how HAPPY I am that it is March? I have a lot of weight to lose this month and a lot of work to do, but I just really hate winter so much. Of course, it snowed today...but it's ok. If I were Feb, Id want to go out with a bang too, lol.
Started out GREAT! Didn't have much an appetite really...don't know if it was motivation or just being on the go all day. Had some juice and an egg for breakfast, salad for lunch with a few bites of split pea soup. Raisins for a snack before the gym, spinning class (medium intensity, instructor had to leave early) and then a lean cuisine for dinner with a small sweet potato pancake (abt 80 cals).
But then I had COOKIES! Oh no! My big time weakness...chewy chips ahoy. So bad, lol. But other than that I was good.
Finally bought a scale. Was afraid to get on it bc I knew it wouldn't say what I wanted it to. But I got on and even though I have definitely gained about 16lbs since the summer-time, it's ok bc the best way to face a problem is head on! Motivation is crazy these days and I am proud of myself for that.
I plan to use my tax return to take a vacation to the bahamas. A good friend of mine lives out there, so I would only have to pay for airfare. I think that would be good motivation. Lord knows my trip to Grenada last year did that for me.
I am excited. Not buying ANY clothes (except essentials hehe) until I hit at least 175 again. I know I can do it!
EP, Im so happy to be back, I can hardly contain myself!
Wasnt great today, but I am not being phased by it. The point is that I have been feeling like my old self, mentally. Tomorrow (or today), I am going to spinning at 8:30 for the first time! AHHHHH, so scared, but excited too. I love a good challenge. I am only going to have abt 5.5 hrs of sleep, but whatever, it's my own fault just messing around doing nothing when i got home from work. And if I can force myself out of bed, then I will be so proud of myself....
Ah the challenge.
Another challenge will be to eat well tomorrow all day. All day I said. No cheating at all. No more takeout, even if it SEEMS healthy, it's not.
I also found out that 1/4 cup of this Macaroni salad my family ALWAYS eats has TWENTY EIGHT grams of fat...damn..might as well spring for a big mac at that, HAHA. Well, I wont be eating either.
Ill let u know how I do on spinning. Wish me luck (ah, im scared!).
Part of my new goal is to consistently blog. Thats going to be a big priority for me. Just to get thoughts off of my chest.
Back in the gym today. Did 10 min of running bc I was feeling SO bored and unmotivated by the treadmill and then did abt 25 min of jumping rope. WHOA BABY...talk abt a workout. My stomach cramps were nuts and my face was BEET red. But thats GREAT bc it means it was a good workout. And it's actually fun. Im starting spinning on wed morning, so tomorrow I will prob take it easy and maybe just do some light cardio and basic weights. Hard Weights will be wed nite or Thursday, depending on how I feel.
As for eating...not great, but not horrible either. I did have white rice, which I have to ixnay from now on..don't worry I know. But it was pretty damn good, lol.
Im feeling like myself. I thrive on keeping busy apparently...and thoughts of summer. I am excited too! Buh Bye fat, depressed me...
Hello fit and fabulous (well, at least in a few months, HAHA).
(((((Sending u skinny vibes for tomorrow's success)))))
So I have been trying to get into the Christmas Spirit...but unsuccessfully so far.
The thing is, I have NO money at all right now bc I am still in transition and I just bought a car, so the thought of buying gifts is more than I can handle. I see ppl shopping and I get jealous...Im too broke to shop. My family is going to Puerto Rico next week and I can't go bc (a) I couldn't afford a ticket and REFUSED to have my parents buy it and (b) since I just started work, I don't get a day off aside from xmas day and new years for SIX MONTHS and (c) I am too fat to wear a bathing suit, sundress, sleeveless, etc.
Needless to say, I have been sad. What else is new? It's been a rough fall.
Well, for a minute there, I contemplated deleting my account bc I had fallen off for so many months and was so embarrassed. I thought I'd start from scratch and pretend like these past few months didn't happen.
But what good would that do? It's real life.
So my goal today is to stay under 1000 calories. Next week, I start working out again...I talked to my old personal trainer. He is sooo far away, but I am still going to make an effort to see him at least once a week.
Everyone says they can't see my gain, but I think they are just being nice. My boyfriend, who never lies abt that stuff, told me he can so i KNOW everyone else is just trying to placate me.
NO matter...today is the first day of the rest of my life. Truly!
...when you fall down harder than you've ever fallen? It's a question I ask myself every minute of every day.
I fell so hard. My life was just chaos and my eating was worse over the past few months. An injury kept me from working out. Complacency kept me from eating better, excuses kept me from chasing my goals and remembering that weight loss and any journey to a better you is such hard and continuous work.
I can't believe I am back at square one. Back to the beginning. Nothing fits, I feel ugly, I feel angry, I feel sad, I feel unnattractive. But I don't want to beat myself up anymore. I've done it every step of the way and it only made things worse.
I tried to go on all of these extreme diets. Nothing but oatmeal and vegetables...nothing but grilled chicken...no meat. Whatever it was, it just resulted in me doing ok, losing a few pounds ang then gaining it back.
But not anymore.
Im standing up and forgiving myself and making a change. I have been so embarrassed to come on EP. So humiliated at my actions. BUt not anymore. Its time to face the truth and own up to my mistakes and fix them the RIGHT way. With hard work, time, diligence, dedication and most importantly, will power. There is no quick fix..no magic solution, only work and dedication.
This won't happen to me again. I refuse to be one of those ppl who lets their dreams become a nightmare when they gain back all the weight and then some. Bc we all know its so so so hard to lose, and soooo easy to gain it back. But that will not be me.
BY christmas, I want to have lost ten pounds. At least to be close to where I was before. Im going to do all the things Im supposed to. Work out, eat right, treat myself well...all of them. Im too old to be acting like achild who wants to see instant gratification. Its time to roll up those sleeves and get back in the nitty gritty again.
On a happy note, I start my new job on Monday. Im proud of myself...hopefully, it's a sign of things to come.
Well, I definitely hit rock bottom. I have gained an enormous amount of weight in just a few short months and NOTHING fits me without a muffin top accompanying. Its tragic how well acquainted me and ol m-top have become.
Anywho, I was SLIGHTLY better in eating and have been progessing slowly but surely. I am working on calories and then I am going to try to get my fats per day below 20 (right now Im on about 12-1500 cal and 30 fat). In my heyday...nah forget it, who cares about the past, today is today.
My new goal is my sisters bday party, as I have said. Me and goals generally work well together. Here's hoping I can resist McDonalds' advances on me....
Im also trying not to be depressed about work anymore. It seems like every corner I turn down and every opportunity I explore is wrong. It has broken me down several times this summer (partially resulting in my weight gain), but I know that finding a job is no easy task. Even with 2 degrees, its still hard work, but I know God has something out there for me. By christmas, I hope to be 155 and steadily working.
Im currently about 176.5, exactly ten and a half pounds from my lowest of 166. I have spent so much of the summer trying to get back on after falling so far off, but it only seems like I fall deeper and deeper in.
Do you ever notice that we think once we have lost the weight that the struggle is over? Well I think maintaining is pretty damn hard too! Dont get me wrong, I have yet to reach my goal and Im about 30lbs away right now, but its just funny how much this summer has taught me. There have been so many times when I have realized how easy it would be to regain 60lbs. Now THAT is a terrifying thought.
Well its been a rough summer. I have been living at home with my parents (yes, all 24 years old of me) and I am struggling with my difficult mother and the fact that I dont have my own car, so she holds that over me. I am also looking for work as a journalist and believe me, the rejection is almost unbearable sometimes. SO many times I have gotten my hopes up only to have them smashed this year. Right now I have a couple of possibilities in the works, so keep those fingers crossed. Ive been working at this pathetic job and I just feel like I spent so much time and money on education and ppl arent giving me a chance. Needless to say, it has caused some SERIOUS depression.
Initially in the summer, I gained a few pounds bc i was comfortable. Everyone was telling me how great I looked and I guess I felt I deserved a few weeks off. Then it was about not having money to make the right food choices (lets face it, eating healthy can be super expensive) and now its just become routine. And change is so hard to make and stick with. But ive been praying and going to the gym this whole week and so its been good.
I hope by my sisters 30th bday party next month, I can be at least down to 165. Its a halloween themed bday party and I will be going as one of my favorite ppl in history (ill reveal with pics as it gets closer) and I want to look and feel beautiful again. NOT like the world is staring at my muffin top, which is a thought that plagues my mind these days.
I also got MY computer back finally, so no more using someone elses. Lets hope this means steady EP blogging, which helped me so much before. Its time to make me a priority and stop making excuses.
Until tomorrow my EP friends, heres wishing you skinny dreams.
