Yeah, that was fast wasn't it. Good grief. I think I found the answer to pushing past this "diet" boredom, or whatever it is right now. It's called excersize. Some of you have heard of it. Some of you have mastered it. Some of you, like me, think a great workout is sitting in front of the new dvd, "scanning" it, and becoming exhausted just thinking about it.
Not today. No sir, I decided we'll try something gentle first. Gentle, relaxing, easy right? Not so fast! I started with my new ballet workout this morning. I figured, slow movements, stretching, lengthening, flexibility. Easy right? OMG. I am going to DIE 3 minutes into the video. This is NOT easy lol. Oh, and she makes it look sooooo easy. She should be slapped silly. At the end of the workout (yes, I made it to the end) - this gentle, flexing, slow, horrific torture - wait I lost the positive there - lol - let's just say it made bellydance shimmy shake and move look like childsplay. My heart rate went through the roof before I brought it back into range... everything is controlled... ok, no problem, I can do this. lol. I am now finished, feeling really good, but exhausted - and let me tell you. For anyone who thinks a little stretching and ballet "kicks" are easy... and not a good workout? I am here to tell you that it is extremely hard; at least as hard as you're willing to make it. There is not one hair on my head right now that isn't completely soaked. I feel like I just ran a marathon, and actually, I think this was harder than the walking dvd!!! But! My hips feel open... my legs feel longer (ok, sort of like someone put me on a midevil torture device and lengthened them for me...) but I feel really good!
So this is my review: the dvd is called "Ballet Conditioning" by Element. The dancer is Elise Gulon, trainer to the stars... and was a soloist in the Virginia Ballet Company. She doesn't even break a sweat. Beautiful setting... looks like the big island of Hawaii... in a garden, on lush green grass, with the sea in the background. If you're interested, I'm guessing there's a website, but I found mine on Borders. com. Ahh... it looks like it's also available on "netflix".
I also started to preview my other two dvd's.... Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. We'll try that one either tonight, or tomorrow. And finally, a little "Dancing with the Stars".. with Edyta Slovenski... called "Get Fit with the Pro's
That one starts you off with waltz moves... conditioning, then cha cha... and there are three workouts. Jillian has three different levels too. The ballet one, just one level... but believe me, I think that's all one needs!
I have a huge presentation today, so I'm off to do that. My reward, is I finally got a hold of my hair stylist - after 2 months of calling every other day to get in... and finally, I'm going at 4 tonight!!! I'm so excited! I can't decide if I should just cut all my hair off, or what. But I am getting it colored... high lights, much blonder, with lowlights. She does an amazing job, and there's a reason I was willing to wait to get her. So I'm off for a little hot tub, then I'm going to "get pretty" and go do my presentation. Wish me luck.... I'm still pondering my last post. I didn't even give you guys time to comment... but it's something worth pondering if you fall into that on occasion. I have to say, I feel much more energized, and I feel like I worked hard enough to at least erase my little cappucino blast slip yesterday. Hopefully, after all is done today, I can get some pictures posted with my new hair. :)
Have a great day my friends! If anyone tries the ballet workout, let me know what you think. If you've tried the NYC Ballet dvd, I'd love to hear a review on that one. But I think I'm a long ways off from even attempting that one!!!! Pretty soon I'll have enough dvd's to run my own library! Geez! But hey, it's fun. And if I can make excersize fun, and rediscover just how great it is - because it really is, and I always feel wonderful (and apparently hyper?) afterwards. So here's to a new phase finally, in this game.
Ok. So we're jammin, we're doing great, then we say, ok, people are noticing, I'm noticing, I can "afford" to have a splurge. And that's ok. But then, a couple days later, there I am again, justifying in my mind why it's ok again... and if I keep this up, I'm not going to get below 210 much less 200!
I was expoloring a bit why this happens. Do we ease off because we're feeling good? Are we just bored? Even with all that motivation staring us in the face? Is it the Cinderella complex? (Where we somewhere in our subconcious start to sabatouge ourselves, because deep down we don't believe we can have it all?). Hmm. The Cinderella complex. That theory that says, we don't deserve to have a career, a family, the whole package... so we do little things that limit ourselves. At what point, do we "get it", that yes, we do deserve to have "it all", that it's ok, that we can have anything we desire if we put our minds to it?
What prompted this topic, was yet another spur of the moment stop at Baskin and Robbins - those cappucino blasts are killing me! Overnight it's become summer - and with summer, I go through a phase of wanting ice cream. Problem is, I'm fine until I submit. Once I do, then I crave it, and end up going back 2 - 3 times... until I tire of it, and don't want it anymore. This is not condusive to my "diet"!!!! And I don't just want any ice cream. It has to be those blasted cappucino blasts. So I guess it could be worse, but who am I kidding - those "blasts" have just as many calories, and more fat in one drink than I'd have all week on Jenny Craig.
And so. Where do we draw the line in the sand and say enough? I certainly don't want to get stuck at this point, and give it up. I don't see that happening, but the danger is there. I have to admit, after 14 weeks, that I am growing tired of the food. The answer is simple. Put on the hardcore attitude, and get to half way so that I can prepare my own 2 days a week. But... then the Cinderella Complex comes in. I'm afraid. I'm worried that I will end up doing this kind of thing during those 2 days, and the weight loss will come to a grinding halt. Answer? Subconciously make sure I don't get to half way, so I don't have to deal with it.
So it's on the table - I think that's what I'm doing. So. How do I stop it? How do you move past the fear?
Another milestone! I bought a new pair of jeans yesterday, and they fit!!!! I am now officially wearing a size 16.... I haven't gotten a size 16 over my left thigh in over 15 years!!!! Infact, exactly 16 years ago I'd say..... appropriate!
This of course, prompted a total wardrobe scavanger hunt. I started going through all my old clothes, and trying on things that have previously looked hideous, but I couldn't bare to get rid of them, hoping one day they'd fit. Some, it's already too late for, and they're too big!!! Time to do a complete clean sweep and donation weekend!!!!
Mom is home, and doing pretty good. I talked to her tonight, and she sounded really good. She has a long way to go.... sleeping a lot, but she's home, she's better, and that's what's important. :)
So that's it for now - I'm off to do a little shimmying!!!!
Whew. Finally - I feel so much better today. The sun was out, it was beautiful, it warmed up - I ate well today, even including having dinner with the family tonight (steak and broccoli lol). And then I excersized, which felt so good.
I felt so good infact, I ended up going on a little "shopping spree" - I ordered a couple new video's for inspiration. I ordered a ballet workout, by Elise Gulan, called "Elements Ballet Conditioning". It's in a beautiful setting, outside in a garden near water - I'm hoping it will not only be a good workout, but that it will be a good stress buster. I also ordered Jillian Michael's "30 Day Shred"... (ouch! I'm scared!) I've heard great things about this one, and watched a bit of it... it looks awesome. I like the other one I have from the Biggest Loser - but I wanted Jillian alone, so we're going to try this one. (I like the other one, it's just a bit all over the place for me right now). Finally, I couldn't stand it - I had to get Edyta Slovenski's and her husband Alec Mazo from Dancing with the Stars new video, "Fitness with the Pro's". This teaches you dance moves for the different dances, you don't need a partner, but it also is a workout - so we'll see. I have really been going for the dance type workouts lately - I get bored so easy, that I need something that's fun to keep me amused lol. And maybe it will help when I reach goal and we take ballroom dancing. (No I haven't forgotten, but I bet my husband has! Boy will he be in for a shock when I bring home the receipt for registering us BOTH at the college! LOL!)
I've also decided I need some weight type toys - so I'm going to get one of those "ab balls". I noticed in Jillian's video, and also in the ballet one, they use it alot. If I have the "toys", I will be more apt to use the video, because I have everything I need. Right now I don't have any hand weights - I do have a balance ball, but that's it. I didn't really think the abs ball would be that great, but now that so many of my dvd's are utilizing it, and it's supposed to work great, I decided I'll give it a go. I also need to get a Yoga mat, but really, right now I just use a folded up blanket. (which feels better on my back anyway!) When I get my new dvd's, I'll give you a full review!!!! But the great thing, is that I'm excited again and ready to get moving finally. I love my bellydance - but this week, I just couldn't bring myself to do ANYTHING. I was hurting so bad, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and forget the world.
Oh! And I've been having "lucid dreams" lately!!! Lucid dreams, are where you are in that state in REM sleep, and you become aware that you're dreaming. This can be extremely cool. But lately, it's been a little frightening, because I've been having the pre-lucid dream, where you are in sleep paralysis. This proceeds being able to have a lucid dream sometimes... I feel like I've woken up - the room looks the same - everything looks the same as when I went to sleep. But then I'm turning, or falling on the bed - and I get this weird tingling feeling, as if I don't wake up somehow that I panic and feel like I'm falling into some deep hole and will stop breathing. That part isn't fun, and I try to move, and realise that I can't move. I know and realise at that moment that I am dreaming, that I'm in sleep paralysis, and I start fighting it, trying to make a noise hoping my husband will wake me up - but no sound comes out. This sounds scary - and it has been. However - if I can realise and remember that this is normal, that it will pass, and relax and focus on something else, that's the point you can go into a lucid dream and be able to do amazing things in it. I did actually "fly" one night - at my control! That was a trip let me tell you! I was dreaming I was flying, and then I realised that I WAS dreaming, so I was able to say, "ok, I want to fly up there".. and so I did! I was able to direct what I wanted to do... to change the dream to whatever I wanted. It was the most exhilerating incredible experience - I probably sound nuts, but it was so cool! And it feels so incredibly real - it's crazy! Being lucid in a dream, if you can learn to do it, (and anyone can, you just have to learn to become "aware" that you're dreaming, and it can be done with practice) but they say it can really help with nightmares - because if you can become "aware" during the nightmare, you can change it to your will. After all, it's your dream. Anyway... wow, I got off track didn't I? And no, I haven't been drinking lol.
Finally - I called the hospital tonight, and the nurse said that my mom was doing "Fantastic", and that she was getting some sleep tonight. That was so nice to hear, and I'm glad I called. It's late, but I thought I'll check in with the nurse. When I've talked to mom, she's very weak sounding, and the congestion really makes her sound awful. And when she doesn't feel good, believe me, she's convinced she's dying, and tends to be a little dramatic when she talks to me or my sis. My sis is there, she can see her, so she knows that it's not as bad as mom is portraying. But still, even knowing that, it puts me in a panic. I'm not saying anything bad about that, and I can't I blame her, it's not fun to be sick, and she is hurting and feeling miserable. But it's hard to hear her, and it makes me want to jump in the car immediately and make the drive down there because it makes me wonder if everyone else is bending the truth about her condition. So I'm trying to trust and believe that unless I hear otherwise, she's ok, and I'll go see her this weekend hopefully. But of course, if something does happen, I'm there in a flash, no matter what. That's the only drawback with my job - I feel like I can't be gone. Not for lunch, not for a break, and certainly not be gone for any reason. But my mom is my mom, and that's that.
Once again, I've typed far too much!!! It's late, and the excersize amped me up!! So I guess I'm going to try to go to sleep... maybe I'll have fun dreams again lol. Just not the scary ones!!!! Have a great week!!!!! Thanks for all your support through my rough week - and I'm sorry I've been so "mia". But things are better, and there is much to be thankful for :) I'm so blessed to have all of you as my EP buddies. I'm proud of all of you - you're all doing so well! Keep up the good work, and here's to new excersize dvd's!!!!
Ok. I've been "out of synch" this week, but I'm back. It wasn't a fun trip to Jenny this morning; I knew what I was going to see on the scale. I was up 1.5 pounds - but my attitude about this is that, if I had a textbook weight loss every week, and never had any struggles (or admitted to them!) then I'd never learn anything would I? And part of this lifestyle, is learning from past mistakes. And really, as I always say, a "mistake is just another way of doing something". So, I did things a different way, and the outcome wasn't so good. It's ok. That's life, and so we just try a different route next time.
It's hard to go to your consultations when you know you had an iffy, or even full blown bad week. But - it's the most important thing you can do.
I learned a couple things this week. Well, I knew them, but applying them isn't always what we end up doing. Still, let's say I was reminded of some things.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent - Evelyn Roosevelt
You'll believe it, when you see it. (See it!!)
If you resist, it will persist
The first one, came into play the first day I started feeling bad. No one has the power, to make you feel bad. We choose to feel bad, or dismiss it, - to react. When we react, it's usually a negative; and the only person we're hurting is ourlseves. So when conflict arises, I need to remember not to "react" - to stay calm, and to be aware and remember, that whatever is going on at this moment, is their issue, not mine - and as generous as I can be, it does me no good to take on their "garbage". Listen, and agree - diffuse the situation, and then let it go - because it wasn't mine in the first place :)
If you believe it - you'll see it. This comes into play with the weight. I kept seeing 212, and I felt it - with passion. The more you believe it - the more you act it - the more you act like it's already been accomplished- your body will respond. Yes, you have to follow your plan and your excersize - but you can convince your body to "behave" the way someone who weighs 212 acts. There's so much more to it, but I think you get the idea :) And I lost site of that this week. So this week, I'm back to gratitude, and believing I'm at my goal weight. What that looks like, what it feels like, what it smells and tastes like! What the clothes look and feel like... how people act around me... the feeling behind seeing this, is even more important that just seeing it. You have to have passion to back it up - you have to let your body feel the emotions behind it - and then, you'll start to believe it. And when you start to believe it......... you WILL start to see it :) If there's been "secret" to any of my progress so far, that is the biggest secret. I believe it this time.
Finally, "if you resist - it will persist". I won't waste too much time on this, we talked about this one before too. But fighting and rebeling against my program, is not going to get me very far. It creates stress - stress creates comfort eating - comfort eating creates guilt - guilt creates more stress... you see the cycle. So once and for all it's time for me to practice applying this. If I want something, I'm going to have it. No more of this "I Can't, I shouldn't"... no more building it up into something it's not - allow myself to have it. Usually if I do that, I don't want it anymore anyway! So it must be the rebel much of the time. Anyway, much better to just "go with the flow" sometimes, because fighting it can stress you out, and create illness, and lack of motivation because you're using all your energy to fight the inevitable.
I'm not saying go binge. Tho, in some cases, maybe that's the answer. For some people, I've heard of dieticians telling them for the next week, eat anything you want, as much as you want. These are people who've been on a constant restrictive diet, from the day they were born, who see food as bad or good - who punish themselves for the smallest thing - and for some people this therapy technique works. Once they have permission - they may go overboard the first day or so, but then even out, and realise that food didn't solve their emotional problems... or the "forbidden" stigma is gone, so the urge goes too. This is extreme, and it doesn't work for everyone. But it has helped some people, and I think it's interesting. For me, I still need to get it into my head that I need to eat. I need to feed my furnace. Think of it this way - your body is a furnace. To start it, you have to put wood in, you have to put some kindling in, some paper... strike the match and light it. But what happens in a couple hours if you don't add anymore wood? The flame will go out. It's the same with our metabolism. And missing my salad, my fruit, doesn't help me loose any faster - it makes it harder. And, I crave things because I'm not getting what my body needs. And did you know that sometimes when you're having cravings, or think you're hungry - you're actually thirsty? So one of the first things I will ask myself is, have I had enough water today? If the answer is yes, then I will ask, has it been more than 3 hours since I ate? And if that answer is yes, I will have my fruit, or my energy bar - but this week it's back to the basics, and really following the menu - not going more than 3 hours without eating. So that's the plan.
My mom is still in the hospital, and that's hard. But, letting my eating get out of control is not going to make her better. And it wouldn't make her feel any better knowing I'm stuffing my face! When I look at it that way, it sounds pretty silly to do that, doesn't it? :)
Thank you for your prayers. This is a rough time, but I'm just going to take it one day at a time, and try to remember to take care of myself first, so I can have the energy, and the happy attitude to take care of all the other things going on. It changes nothing to worry - so why do that to myself? So I will think good thoughts, and see her better.......and trust God in this one.
Have a great week, and I'll try to check in a little more this week :)
And just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel..
Hi Everyone :)
It's been a rough week, as you know! This has to go down in my history books as the worst week of pms I think I've ever experienced. Food this week, has not been a good thing. I reverted right back to apathy (the very thing that made me angry in the first place!) - apathy with eating that is, and going after "comfort" foods. Normally, it's one little thing, and I excuse it, forgive and move on. I still did that, but it doesn't work very well if you keep repeating your "sins" every day after that!
I've stuck with my plan - however, every other day this week I stopped for a latte, which I haven't done since I started the program. A latte is innocent enough, despite the calories - however, this wasn't just a latte - they call it a "mystical mocha" ... and it resembles my beloved cappucino blast, minus the ice cream. I think they call it mystical, because it's pretty mysterious and magical how fast it goes to your hips! I'm up 2 pounds... well I was yesterday, I haven't weighed myself all week - no desire too when I'm feeling this bloated, I thought it would make things worse. I'm not sure if it can be much worse at this point! Last night I ate my dinner - I've been eating early this week, so that's a postiive - not waiting to see when DH will need a ride and waiting until 8:30 to have dinner. I also thought that myth about eating nothing after 7 was worth a try for some damage control. Yesterday, I ate my dinner... and I was still starving. I wanted chocolate, so I know I wasn't all that hungry, infact I was feeling a little nauseaous. So why the chocolate craving? They say you're craving milk when you crave chocolate. (calcium) I don't know if I buy that. lol. Well, I reasoned, if I'm still hungry, I'll cook some veggies. So I did that - but I poured soy sauce on them, which turned them into a water retention magnet. That didn't satisy. I had a pear. Still didn't satisfy. Now at this point, I'm still within my JC menu, and haven't done anything "wrong". But finally, what I really wanted was that piece of pizza sitting there untouched in the box - on the living room coffee table (thanks DS!!!! Jeez!!!) Now, how hard is it, to just pick up the box, and put it in the fridge for later? Not hard. Not normally. Not this time. I ate a piece of the pizza. The good thing...... I wanted that last piece so bad - but I wrapped it up and put it in the fridge. I also realized while I was doing this (not after) that I was stricltly trying to comfort myself with food. I still did it, and of course it never works - only that few seconds your eating it - but I was AWARE... and that's a step forward. I didn't weigh myself this morning - I'm guessing I'm still 2 pounds up.
Saturday, DH and I have a motivational training at his work for the entire day... which includes lunch. I was going to bring my JC, but DH has already ordered my lunch. Turkey and Havarti sandwich.... not too bad, but the Havarti is terrible. Now my thought is, ok, I'll take off half the turkey (they put so much on there it's probably enough for your entire meat portions for the day!) - and take off the Havarti to save myself from the fat content. Then, to eat only half the sandwich. Bring my own salad dressing, bring my snacks. The question is, can I actually follow through? Part of me is already reasoning that "what's the point, you're already going to have a gain this week!".... which is silly, because really, there have been several weeks I should have had a gain, and didn't - and I swear to you, it's because I stayed positive about it, and it was my attitude that made the difference somehow.
Well, not somehow. When you keep a positive attitude about it, you tend to do little things for damage control. When you have a negative attitude, you tend to continue to not really care what you put in your mouth - you know I'm right! lol!
So I'm feeling bloaty, with killer cramps, and I just want to curl up on the couch and forget about doing anything. To combat this week, I made myself get up early, put on my prettiest dresses for work, did my hair and makeup. It didn't completely change my attitude, but it sure helped just to be dressed up and makeup on.
Do you agree with me, that when you make that effort to look nice, put on the makeup, wear the pretty shoes - that you feel more confident and better about yourself even if you're feeling down? I know they thought I was crazy - here we are in 40 degree weather, rain... and I'm in a sundress (work appropriate however) wearing summer type heel/sandals!!! But I got so many compliments... and what's funny? Despite feeling down, everyone at work calls me "Sunshine" - they say I'm a beacon of light, that I "glow"... which is so strange to me when I'm feeling so icky. But I'm a big believer in "fake it till you make it", so I dressed up hoping it would lift my mood; and it did while I was there :)
The problem for me at this point, is knowing that my weight is up, regardless of damage control. So I'm obviously not doing enough damage control - and every night I've had something little that I shouldn't have - normally wouldn't even blip the scale, but I know this time, this 2 pound gain is NOT water. And I have no motivation to excersize - not even the fear that I will have a gain on Sunday. I'm just not caring this week - and I don't like it.
This morning my sis called - my Mom is in the hospital. They are almost 3 hours away... and Mom is in her 80's. It's heart palpitations - she's had this before, and though it's not good, it doesn't sound serious enough for me to jump in the car and go down there, and infact my sis told me not to at this point. That's hard - usually I've been in control of the situation to an extent - I was the one sitting at the hospital with her, or taking her, or caring for her. And I can't just run off to the hospital now because it's 3 hours away. My sis will tell me she's ok, that she's fiesty, but that she's better this morning than she was last night, and the great thing is that this hospital, is really on top of things. Not like here where it took 3 days to even get her in a room.... I digress. So it's odd. I want to be there - but I also don't want to be. I've never felt like that before. When that's happened here, I'm a wreck - I'm worrying 24/7 and feeling I need to be there every second to keep an eye on the doctors. But this time, I have this strange calm, that she's in better hands than she's ever been, and that really, I don't have to rush down there - she has my sis right there, and good doctors. The reality however, is that I am on call, and could be called at a moments notice to jump in the car and get down there. And Mom, plays both of us a bit - she wants both of us there so will make it worse than it really is - and then when you're there, she wants you to leave lol. So I think unless something takes a turn for the worst, maybe I am better off right here this time - and let my sis take care of her this time. It's just hard, and I'm a bit torn.
I know I have to stop this "stinkin thinkin" - you guys will never want to read my blog again! At least I'm finally into "TOM", and it will be over soon. In the meantime, I need to pull in the reins on my eating, and get motivated to at least get one day of some kind of excersize in. There's also added pressure, to get a voice project done for the college - we're using a voice tool called WIMBA to aid in distance learning on the computer. We have a virtual classroom set up, and my project is trying to set up a website for our program, and utilize the voice tools. I'm not an instructor, so it's a little intimidating for me - but I have great ideas to utilize the tools, and there's a nice stipend at stake to finish the project and present it - by next Friday. The ideas are flying all over the place in my mind - the challenge is trying to put them in order on paper so I can do a presentation about my project. For all the faculty doing the same. Who know what they're doing. lol. Geez... I'm wondering if I'm over my head on this one - but seriously, it's not brain surgury, and I have the ability to figure this out! But I know that some of the instructors are going to be very critical of me, because I'm not faculty - I'm just an assistant. Administrative assistant at that lol. The good thing, is that we have a pretty unique program, and the teaching methods aren't exactly the way other instructors would teach their class. I think there's more "common sense" to our program, than actual book learning. So we'll see, and I hope that doesn't sound bad - it's just different. :) Still, I'm sure there will be some instructors that won't exactly approve, because I'm not a teacher, and sometimes it's very black and white that way - I don't belong because I'm not one of them. But I plan to prove that non-instructors have good ideas too, and they might even learn something from me! lol.
So I'm still struggling guys. The sun did come out for a bit yesterday, and it warmed up! That was so nice. This morning it's cloudy again - but it will burn off and we're into better days. My plan today is to eat what I'm supposed to, and really get strict on the water because I haven't been drinking it like I should. I weigh Sunday - there's still hope, right? :)
Thanks for all your kind words and support. This has been a shaky week, and I can tell TOM is incredibly close. But the mood has finally started to lift - and with it the sun is trying to make an appearance, so things should start looking up weatherwise for us. I found a great book on psychology - cognitive reasoning techniques... basically, the idea is change your attitude - and you'll change your mood. Easy enough, right? It's always a bit harder than that though isn't it? :)
Depression is no stranger to me, and I'm sure it's no stranger to many of you here. But all the books I've read, all the wonderful teachers I've had, have all come up with the same thing, and it really is true. We are the only ones that can make us feel something - angry, sad, upset - it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says - it's our choice to react. Our choice to feel bad about it and sulk - or do something about it. Just like learning a new lifestyle is about practice - so is feeling better and happier. And I know it's hard when you're upset, to just switch it off and say, ok, I'm happy instead! Sometimes, it feels good to be mad! So I think it's about balance. And I was amazed to find that part of this up and down emotional rollercoaster I experience, has a direct link to "all or nothing" thinking! I talk about that with food all the time - but here it is again, this time with emotions! How many of us, at one time or another, found ourselves in a bad place, because of one little thing - and suddenly we're " a failure". "I'm stupid" "I'm worthless and can't do anything right". If you break that down and really look at it, of course that's not true! And you realize how ridiculous it sounds! There are lots of things I do right, maybe I made a mistake with "x", but everyone makes mistakes on occasion. So today, I am not going to make "generalizations" about myself if I start to feel upset with something. It was really an eye opener to see how much I do that, when I'm feeling the pms monster coming on.
So here's to a better day, and to being kind to myself. Food has been ok, but I think the ice cream episode is lingering - I'm up a couple pounds, and it hasn't dropped back off yet. I'm doing well on my food and have since Sunday, so I just need to get some excersize in and drink more water!
I hope all of you from the midwest to the east coast are getting a little relief... I don't like the cold. However, being too hot I think is even tougher to deal with! So please take care of yourselves, and hydrate hydrate hydrate!!!!!
Not much to say, but I wanted to say I love you guys - even after a rant, you still are good to me, and I appreciate it. So I think I'm going to try popping popcorn with my cell phone today. lol. (if they can do it on you tube, it must be true, right? lol)
This weather has to stop, or I need to move! It's 42 degrees out there - and that's about the high for today..,. 42... on June 10... they dug back in the records, and it hasn't been that cold here since 1892 or something ridiculous like that. And the rain is still falling... but hopefully we'll get some clearing starting tomorrow... and I'm hoping that the same will happen here by tomorrow. I'm just going to try to be kind to myself, and follow my plan, and get through being possesed by deamons lol. Today I just feel sort of empty and sad. This is probably the worst emotional episode I've had with TOM looming in a long long time, and I don't get it. Have I thrown my hormones out of whack by eating healthy? Or do I need to face that I may be trying to be perimenopausal? Oh, that would be a pretty week, wouldn't it. Pissed off, and having to admit that I'm "old". - okok, before you slam me, I don't really believe that - and believe me, I really don't believe in "old". I don't care what age we are.... it's mental as to how "old" we are. I think that's why I'm so cranky - because mentally I'm feeling pretty old right now. But that too will pass as well. And when it does, I have those wonderful cramps to look forward to - and by the way, that should count as excersize - for as bad as they get it seems like electrodes they hook you up to to make your muscles move involuntarily to tone your thighs or something lol. (Yes, I actually tried that one time - unbelievable!) I'm guessin you're probably not really feeling the love in this post are ya lol - I'm sorry. You guys are wonderful, and good friends to me, and the pity party stops now - unless someone would care to bring chocolate... :) Life's too short to waste feeling sorry for ourselves or being angry at a speck of dust, right? :) Maybe this is so bad because I had no real excersize last week besides bellydance. ?? Does anyone else suffer with this? And really, it's usually not this up and down for me. But I've seen friends really go through it, so I should be thankful. Guess I better go get ready for work - it will be a better day, and you guys have a great day ok? :) And please.......... send the sun!!!!! Or at least some warmer temps! lol!
PMS and 10 stupid things it can make smart girls do...
Well, maybe not 10. One or two in this case is bad enough. I knew a storm was coming, but I had no preparation for the storm that hit yesterday.
It was a perfect day, a great day, I was so happy, so up, so excited. And then boom - without warning, I went from Mary Poppins to Satan in about 10 seconds. Now I can't say this hasn't been building - it has. Everything was going peacefully... calm.... I was in the hot tub, and I thought I was relaxing. But after I got out, the dark cloud that had been threatening me was quickly swallowing me up. First off, I was craving ice cream like crazy. Despite what I feel has been amazing progress on my "diet", DH has had to get his jabs in wherever he can. The question of dinner came up, he had promised the day before that we'd have a "special" dinner - nothing extravagant, just real food. Not tons, just what was "permitted". I came in, feeling good, asked the question because at this point, I was trying to plan - I was also trying to decide if there was going to be no dinner, if I would go get that ice cream after all. So I asked what he thought we should do for dinner, and he bit my head off - taking no time out from his completely apathetic "I'm an online poker vegetable" computer stare, he blandly mumbles something about "no one being hungry" and then adds, "is food the only thing you think about? Didn't you just eat breakfast?" and just to be sure it stung for interupting his "relaxing time" after a full day of golf - "for someone on a diet, you're eating all the time.." (by the way, that's what you DO on Jenny Craig - you eat 6 small meals a day..) and well, that was it. The thunder cracked - the lightening flashed - and mild mannered happy go lucky Trish turned into Jekyl and Hyde. I stormed out, put on my shoes, and drove straight to Baskin & Robbins. (wow, that really showed him, huh?.. geez.) It could have been worse, I couldn't decide if I should buy 10 gallons of rocky road so I could redecorate the living room,his blessed computer, and him...or if I would take it back to bed with me with a box of kleenex and hole myself in for the rest of the day. Or a week. Or three. I settled on a cappucino blast. I realized during this time, that now my mom is gone - living 2 hours away - that I had absolutely nowhere to go. I have no friends living in close proximity - and with gas so expensive, my closest (and dearest) friend is an hour drive away. Not that I ever visit my friends - because DH always guilts me when I do. So, I stopped doing that oh, about 15 years ago. When I got back a full blown fight erupted over the blatant apathy of DH - the house was a wreck again, and I walked in on eldest DS putting a load of newly dried clothes in the last remaining sitting space - to which I started to pick them up (well, I guess it wasn't quite that dainty) and proceeded to "remove them to the floor"..... which wasn't smart, because now I've totally pissed off DS too. Suddenly I was positive I no longer belonged here, that I was nothing more than a taxi driver, underappreciated, only good for being at "beck and call" for rides for the boys because God forbid, DH "works" for a living (and I don't apparently..) and I might as well be a room mate... needless to say, a real storm came in today outside - trees fell, rain, hail, snow in the mountains... and I am now getting the silent treatment. From DH, and eldest DS. Mind you, not that I wasn't before, because that's what it's felt like the last several months, only not the "angry I feel sorry for myself "kind.
I don't see how I couldn't see this coming. If you looked up "meltdown" in the dictionary, there most certainly would be a big picture of me there. Full blown, I want a divorce, meltdown. Of course, I didn't mean it - but at the time I was positive I did. So positive I lost count how many times I said it. I deserve the silent treatment. And he deserved to hear how I've been feeling, since he apparently can't see it two feet in front of his face. Just not the way it was said of course. Or screamed. I'm not sure, it was sort of a blur. ..
At least God has a sense of humor - tonight after a night of silence, and everyone going to bed without saying a word to me (except for youngest DH, who is always my guardian angel it seems) - I was sitting here watching the Bachelorette and moping, and I hear something scurry across the ceiling. I thought I was hearing things. but no - there it was again, right above the stove, and now it was gnawing and clawing. My suprised shrieks didn't phase it. I've been trying to tell DH for the past couple weeks that something has been visiting the inside of the walls in our house - but he didn't care. If he doesn't see it, hear it, smell it, it doesn't exist. Not his problem. Pretty much like everything else lately.... that is, until tonight, when I woke him up (yeah, more to prove it than anything) and he saw it poke it's furry little head out the hole and almost escape into our newly remodelled kitchen. I have to admit, it was a pretty funny sight, him on the chair trying to plug up the hole - me trying to get him to "catch" it - but it dissapeared somewhere and now I'm totally freaked out. I said furry head - but I honestly thought I saw a beak - so I don't know if it's a bird, or if it's a mouse. It's too small to be a rat, which is what DH always thinks it's going to be... (as a garbage man, he doesn't like rats too much - not that I do, but he's seen them up close). I hate to say it, but I think it's a little mouse. Nothing against a little mouse, but not in my house!!!! 15 years living here, and we've never had a critter, so I'm just freaked out. DH says it probably saw the light from the kitchen, and found it's way back to the garage, which is where it probably got in from. All this rain..... and cold weather.... they are looking for somewhere warm. Long story short - it seemed to break the tension, and for a few moments there was conversation. I feel bad about yesterday. But I also know that this has been building for a long time - I love my DH; but lately I feel like he doesn't have a kind word for me at all - if he's not on the computer, he's watching tv, or talking to a co-worker on the phone, or golfing... anything but spending time with me. Yes, that's my whiny I feel sorry for myself complex coming out - but I seriously am very sad to think I could spend the rest of my life like this - (that's pms talking I think) - my life didn't end at 42, as far as romance is concerned. Especially now that I'm getting my body back , and my confidence with it. I know alot of us go through something like this - where we're changing, we're excited, and the people we love the most either don't notice, or don't seem to care, or both. Sometimes, maybe it's just in our minds. Right? Sometimes both though. But I know it can be even worse - they try to sabatouge us - even though they may have "egged us" into it in the first place. Suddenly, the become spiteful and bitter - or worse to me - completely apathetic. I'm just so sick of this, and I really don't know how to fix it - and no, he won't go to a counselor... I've tried that route. Infact, I've read so many self help books on how to have great relationships, that every time I try to "communicate" without "fighting", the first thing he says, is "don't use that psycho-babble on me!" Which by the way, he doesn't fight fair at all. If that doesn't work, he'll say I'm shouting. I talk loud - and I get so mad at that, that then I'll scream "believe me, you'll KNOW when I'm SHOUTING - THIS IS SHOUTING!" ... then it's "So it's all my fault?" yes... the guilt trip. He changes between these tricks so fast it can make your head spin. How I've lived through 22 years with him as a wife, is unbelievable at times. Still, I love him. I want to fix this, but he just doesn't have time, or doesn't care.
Sorry for whining. I know this will pass - usually if I sweep it back under the rug - again. But I also know there are some serious communication problems that need to be dealt with. And how do you get someone to talk, when they completely ignore you - and you have to say their name 4 times before they snap back "what!!!" at you. (I love selective hearing - NOT!) It's not helping that the rain just keeps coming... it was 52 degrees today! It's JUNE!!! Hello!!! And I'm completely acting like a nut job. Maybe I shouldn't have waited so long to have that ice cream. ..... so I guess I'll brave going to bed. Can't wait for that. I guess I should make sure the couch is ready....
Holy laughing cow cheese Batman!!!! I've crossed the 30 pound line.. I hit my 212 that I wanted to... 212.5 but we are almost below 210!!! And I can see Onderland looming on the horizon!!! They measured me again today, and I couldn't believe it. Another four weeks have just flown by!!! So in the past four weeks, I've lost another 4.25 inches!!! Grand total is now 25.25 inches of unwanted fat gone!!!! I'm a little excited, can you tell? lol! We figured out that on average I am losing 2.4 pounds a week - that's insane! People - Jenny Craig WORKS!!!
Yesterday I had my first "day on my own" - that was purely an oversight by me by the way, but I got through it. So today my counselor gave me all the tools to be able to plan my 2 days a week. We're not quite there yet, but now I have the formula, and if I ever get "in trouble" I can go by that and feel good about it. Jenny Craig is based on the diabetic exchange system - which is a whole lot easier than counting calories. You simply cound exchanges for the day - x servings of meat, x of grains, x of milke, etc. You just do little "boxes" and it's so easy that you can make it work anywhere, anytime. And there's a great book out there called "Exchanges for All Occasions" by Marion J. Franz, R,D., M.S. .. anyway, it's a fabulous book - really more like a food "bible". It gives the breakdown for everything imaginable. My book is something like 15 years old, so I'm thinking there's probably an updated version out there and I'm going to find it. It even gives you the breakdown on fast foods. So it's really a great tool to have in your weight management library! I highly recommend it if you're doing the exchange system.
So my counselor took my measurements, and cut off my third blue satin Jenny ribbon - they give you a ribbon as long as the amount of inches you've lost. It's a great visual, and it really blew my mind when I held that in my hand. It now goes exactly halfway around my waist. I can't wait until it can be worn as a belt! lol.
So I'm excited to get to half way. My original goal was to get to 199. At the time it just seemed so far away, and in the past several years, I couldn't even lose 2 pounds and keep it off. Infact, I found my old JC "file", and I was on the program 4 months, and only lost 8 pounds. So this is really incredible to me, and I'm yes- pretty proud of myself lol. My "new" half way point, based on getting to 150, is now 196.7. That's not too far away. So now I've got all the tools and the book and the menu, I can start thinking about this and get ready. And if I start to falter, I can always do a full weeks menu, but I do feel confident that I can do this, and continue to keep the pace with my weight loss. Imagine what will happen when I get at least three SOLID days of excersize in!!! I have honestly yet to do that. That has been the toughest thing for me. I don't really count the bellydance, even though it really tones and does make me sweat and get my heart rate up - I guess I should. But I feel like I really do need that solid 20 - 30 min. minimum of walking or swimming in to say I'm really excersizing. We don't want bat wings now, do we?
This weekend has been fun - my 15 yr. old DS has had his friend over for the weekend. He's become a vegetarian recently. So it's been fun, trying to figure out "vegetarian" things for him to eat. I got some wonderful fruit at the store today, induldged in a pinneaple, and found something called a "canary melon". I've never tried it, but it was with the casaba melons (which I also haven't tried, so not sure what my point is lol). So I'll have to let you know how it is. Supposedly, it's like a honeydew. We'll see. And even though I'm having my own JC food today, I bought the veggie sausages by morningstar farms, and the silver dollar pancakes to make them breakfast. Now, I don't know if you've ever tried the veggie sausage patties - but they are to die for. They are so good - and they aren't "heavy" like real sausage. Maybe I'm just crazy, but that's one of my favorite items on the JC menu - Silver Dollar pancakes and sausage, and they use the "veggie" sausage. (I think it's soy). And my son is so cute - Friday they wanted pizza, so we got a cheese pizza for his friend, and my son insisted on eating the same way. (which I highly will encourage!) And you know, he loved it more than his triple pepperoni pizza. I did try a bite, and I liked it better too. There IS hope that I can change! lol. So it's been a mini-adventure this weekend, and I almost wish DH's friend would come around more often - everyone is far more concious of what we should make or eat, and it makes me happy. :)
So I've blabbed on too long again, and not really said much! But wanted to update you all on my victory today! I hope all of you are doing well also, and that every day you find renewed strength and motivation to keep going. You are SO worth this, and think about how much better you feel when you are eating "right", and getting in the excersize, and drinking the water. That's something too - people have commented a lot lately, on how pretty my skin is. It's from drinking all that water!!! It makes a huge difference!!!! I hope to get some updated pics on here soon. :) And I'll put up a "real" before... I know with photoshop, those couple pics I have up are a little doctored here and there I'm sure, so that I look thinner than I really was. But I have a scary pic I'll put up that really shows my face.... it's almost unbelievable how different I'm starting to look. :) And finally, if you haven't tried "Taaz", the virtual make-over site, get your digital cameras out, take a pic of your face with your hair back in a ponytail, and start playing!!! It's so fun!!!!
Here's to a great day today, and a FANTASTIC week!!!! Who's going to "smash" into Onderland with me????? I'm thinking by the end of July... what do you think????
