The Band Photo, and a pageant pic

Ok, so I thought I'd try this - these are a couple pics from Miss Wa....(I was Miss Auburn).  I'm also going to throw the old band pic in... that's the one at the top - I weighed 150 pounds in that pic.... hard to believe, but true.  (muscle baby!)  But even in the pageant pics, these were when they said I was still "too fat" to win.. the gal with me was Miss A. before me, she crowned me... (I loved her, but she was the bane of my existance - every time I ran in a pageant, there she was, and every time, she'd win lol).  When she got to crown me, I never heard anyone scream so loud - and they hadn't even announced my name yet! (she could see it on the paper though lol) When she started stamping her feet and jumping up and down, I knew it was me lol. 

Independance Day

I have been doing a lot of reflecting this week.  And I have pretty much been on "program vacation".  Despite getting food for this week, I really haven't eaten much of it, or much of anything for that matter - except things that I shouldn't be. 

I find myself wishing I'd find my own personal "Independance Day".  Independance from food - from cravings - from guilt.  And really, none of any of this has anything to do with food itself.  It's deeply set inside my emotional psyche.  And I know to win my independance once and for all, I'm going to have to do some deep soul searching.  I don't want to.  I don't think any of us want to.  But, the reason I treat food and drink the way I do, is because of something that is deep down there, buried, and supressed. 

The messages we are sent as little girls, live a long time inside us, even if we don't or can't see it now.  If you had weight challenges when you were little, you know what I'm talking about.  I had the happiest childhood I can imagine.  My parents were so supportive of me.  But I had a very overweight auntie, who every time I saw her, would pull me aside and tell me, you need to lose weight.  You don't want to end up like me do you?  At the time - I wasn't obese.  I wasn't even close.  Infact, I was pretty close to what might be viewed as some, as normal.  Sure, I had some "baby fat" on me.  As a teen, I grew out of that.  But I also grew up surrounded on each side, by my best girlfriends, who were at least 2 sizes smaller than I was - and always were, always would be.  When friend number 2 moved in..... things changed.  I will call her Lilly.  I will call friend number 1, Jenny.  Jenny and I were friends, from the time we were 4.  We were very tight.  We did everything together.  When Lilly moved in next door, the two immediately bonded.  Lilly and I also became friends, but Lilly and Jenny shared something in common.  A deep dark secret, that I didn't learn until we were long grown.  Lilly, was suffering from anorexia.  And Jenny? Bulimia.  Two absolutely gorgeous, beautiful, NORMAL sized teens - I remember they were always a size 7, or a size 5.  I was always a size 12.  So I was the "fat" one.  As a result, I was left out of a lot of social things.  Partys.  Get togethers.  Shopping trips to the mall.  Lilly and Jenny would trade clothes.  But I couldn't do that - I was too big.  Lilly, was always incredibly thin - so thin, you could see her bones.  And all she could talk about was how fat she was.  Jenny, thinking that was the "in" thing to do, would mimik her... the two would get together with me, and then they'd both go round and round about how "fat" they were, and compare their "rolls", which to even partially make one appear, they had to contort their bodies.  Or how "huge" their butt's were.  I look at those pictures now, and I can clearly see what I didn't know anything about back then.  Lilly... was truly all bones.  Her hip bones protruded so far, that she called them "fat".  She was very tall - so for her to wear even a size 7, would be like us wearing a size 3.  She was also bulimic,.... and she would brag that to lose weight, she would eat and immediately "get rid of it".  It turns out that Jenny had been doing this too, but with Lilly being one of the "popular" girls, Jenny started mimicking her behavior at an alarming rate. 

And I thought this was normal.  I thought that's what you did, to lose weight.  You either simply didn't eat, or you went the bulimia route.  I have pictures of the three of us, before they were so obsessed with their weight - and we looked like "charlies angels".  And I, could never look at those pictures back then, because I could only see that I was fat.  That I was huge. 

I wasn't.

Then, later in high school, I got involved in pageants.  I did this, not because I thought I was pretty, or because I thought I even had a chance... I did this, because I had talent.  I knew, that my talent could carry me - they might have had looks, but I knew that I could sing circles around anyone there.  Sounds pretty conceited.  It was.  Because the only thing in my mind at that time, that I thought made me special at all, was my voice.  And all I ever heard was that I needed to lose weight.  In college, I got as far as winning a local title, and went to compete in Miss Washington, for the Miss America Pageant.  I never looked or felt better.  I was doing aerobics 3 - 5 times a day - teaching 2 of the classes a day,, and then going to the other gals classes to learn.  Besides, I was being pushed - they wanted to see the "three diamonds" when I held my legs together.  (there are "supposed to be three spaces if you're "perfect" - one near the top, one at your knees, and then at your ankles) - I achieved this.  But the way I did, ruined my metabolism for the rest of my life it seemed.  I lost 25 pounds, in 2 weeks.  From the waist up, I was a bag of bones.  My legs however, were still too "fat".  Even though I had the three magic spaces... I carried too much muscle.  And my weight, despite being a size 3 - was 142 pounds.  I was told if I didn't lose another 20 pounds, that I had no shot of winning.

I was also told, as a size 12, that I was "too fat" to get into the music performance group at the college I was attending.  I had the voice - I had everything else.  I was told, come back next year, after you lose about 30 pounds.  Are you kidding me?  And I look at those pics again.... at the time all I could see was how fat I was......... but I was smokin hot.  I WAS thin.  Still, I did lose that weight  - (same time as pageant) - won the title, and got into the music group.

I then was in the same situation, as I was when I lived in my old neighborhod.  I was surrounded by 3 other front singers, all much smaller than me (they were about a size 2... when I was a size 7)  And the three would stand in front of the mirror before a show, comparing their butts, saying how fat they were.  As I stood there - at least 2 sizes bigger than them - right in front of me they did this... can you imagine how you'd feel?  I wanted to slap them silly and tell them to shut up.

I'm not sure what reason there is for blogging all this.  Other than this - even losing all that weight for the pageant.......... I realized, that it didn't change anything.  It was actually a big let down in the end.  Because, even though I was wearing that coveted size 3.......... thinner than I'd ever been in my entire life........... the message I got was, "it's still not good enough.  You're still fat".

That comment haunts me to this day.  I went through literal hell, trying to fit an ideal, and a standard that is not normal.  Is not realistic.  I became so obsessed with comparing myself to others, that I lost who I was.... I was beautiful!  And I lost all my confidence.  I couldn't see that I was beautiful.  I couldn't believe it.  And when a boy paid attention to me?  I thought it was some cruel joke - being played on me.

When I saw that a "plus" sized model won ANTM.... I was happy.  And yet - what makes me angry, and sad at the same time, is that here she is, reportedly a size TEN..... and she's considered "Plus Size"??????  Excuse me.... but I'll show you PLUS.   I still get angry, when I look at a Victoria's Secret catalog, and see that they don't go above a size 12.  Maybe a 14 - on occasion you can find an XL.  You can find a double D, even double E bra... but you'll notice, that the size will not exceed a 36 - 38 at the most.  Lets be real here.  What "real" woman, with double D's.... has a rib cage that is a 36????

No.  It's time things changed.  It's time that Barbie gains a little meat on her.  If someone had her measurements in real life, they'd probably be dead!  They'd snap in half, because a waist that tiny could never support boobs that big, and hips that disproportionate!!!!  In the magazines, those models are killing themselves to maintain that size 0.  I understand all about having to be smaller to be on camera.  But when is someone going to draw the line, and decide that "normal" is actually beautiful? 

It's time to rip the veil.  We, right now at this moment......... the way we are....... are beautiful in ways those skinny assed models will never be.  Curves are real.  Oh, and our curves for the most of us, ARE real. lol. 

No.......... on this Independence Day, I've decided.  It's time for us "plus" over a size 8 girls, to tear down the walls that say there is something wrong with us........ it's time to fight back and let the world know that we ARE beautiful.  That we ARE capable.  That we ARE strong, and SEXY, and GORGEOUS just the way we are. 

It's time that young girls stop binging and purging, because a magazine says they have to look a certain way.  It's time to stop the madness before it's too late. 

Sadly - for my friend Lilly - it is too late.  In her early 30's, at 62 pounds and 5'7"...........still convinced she was fat................her body couldn't take it anymore, and she died.  And never, not for one moment, did she ever see what we saw - how beautiful she was.

No.  It's time to stop the madness.  It's time to change what's considered sexy and beautiful. 

It's time for OUR Independence Day.

xoxo

Trish :)

Holiday?

Wow, what a start to this 4th of July weekend.  We had quite the show from mother nature, starting last night about 5.  The thunderheads rolled in, and we had wild action lightning and thunder, from about 5pm until about 2pm this afternoon! 

We rarely get thunder and lightning,.  usually it's brief.  This was a full blown set of cell after storm cell.  I got up at 4:30 to take DS and his buddy to the bus, and since it was still dark, we really got a front seat to the lightning show.  Scary stuff.  Now I love lightning... just as long as it's 30 miles or so away.  This was right overhead... extended from Portland all the way to Bellingham!  It was crazy!  Still, it was beautiful.

So does anyone have plans for tomorrow?  Our trip to the Hood Canal has been cancelled.  But good news, Mom is home at my sisters... and she sounds better than she did 3 weeks ago.  I continue to keep her in my prayers, and hope that it will continue on an upswing.  She even got out today and played in her garden.  I'm amazed.  It really is a miracle.

I appear to still be on "vacation" with my program.  I'm eating some jenny food, but still eating dinner with the family every other night... and I haven't had a full jenny day yet.  I feel really bad about it, but I'm taking it in stride.  Monday morning, we are back to the full deal, no excuses.  I am allowing myself one more day - tomorrow - and since we're not going anywhere now this weekend, I can go back to the regular thing, and see my counselor on Sunday.

Hope all of you are doing well.  I've discovered karaoke on "myspace".. I've been singing much of the day!  It feels good!

Happy 4th everyone.  Please say a prayer for our men and women in the services, and for all the veterans out there.  It breaks my heart, that in this day and age, we still have tons of homeless vets out there trying to survive.  It just isn't right.  Of course, lately, what is right?  I've almost quit listening to the news due to all the bad news.  it's depressing!  I know it's real world... but it's just hard to hear every minute of the day.  So tonight my prayers go out to all of the hurting people - whether it's physical, or emotional.  And know this... though it seems overwhelming, if each of us, did one small random act of kindness for someone- we could make a difference in this world.  So never give up hope :)  A smile won't change people's situations.  But you just never know who might need a smile or a kind word.  Plus, it makes you feel better too!

Thank you for being my friends.  Much love to you. :) 

Trish

Alternative healing randomness......and Happy July!!!!

Happy July Everyone!!!!  My birthday was fantastic.  DH took me to this beautiful waterfront restuarant on the Puget Sound ... we sat on the deck, and it was fabulous.  I ate about 1/4 of my dinner, brought the rest home for the boys.  They gave me a "birthday cake" - this mud pie ice cream ridiculous concoction, which I had a small portion and the rest is in the freezer for the boys.  I did really well, and this morning I maintained.  Now I need to excersize and slam the water today to ensure that continues!

I got a wonderful present from my brother - he made me the most beautiful choker, from turquoise, silver goddess beads (faces on them) red coral, and the centerpiece is something called a shiva lingam stone.  These stones are about to become very rare.... they are sacred in Tibet; said to be the masculine form of the god Shiva.... representing both male and female energies, which balances each other out.  They supposedly are a calming influence when held... give energy... healing... especially anything to do with male and female interaction... creation... all that good stuff.  Anyway, you can find more info on them on the internet.  But the cool - and actually a bit sad thing- about them is, they can only be found one place on earth.  A river in India... which they are soon building a dam on, and once they do, the stones will dissapear underwater.  The waves of the river are what cause the designs on them... so because they'll be submerged, though you'll still be able to dive for them (I'm assuming, maybe they won't be allowed) - the markings wouldn't be the same.  The markings represent the female creative energy, and the shape represents the male creative energy.  It's all very groovy and interesting. 

And that's something you don't know about me........ I am very much a "rock" girl.  I grew up with my brother being a hard core 'rock hound" - he even panned for gold, and is now an award winning artist with a gallery in Arizona.  He creates what he calls "Industrial Tribal Art".  Pretty amazing stuff... you can check it out at www.dragonflydaze.com  .  He finds scraps of metal, cactus, stones, all kinds of things in the desert near his home, and then creates these amazing "native american" type kachina's with the pieces he's found, as well as lamps, and different kinds of sculptures.  It's very abstract and different... but he also creates jewelry, and this necklace is absolutely stunning.  He's a groovy guy.... very spiritual, ... and so when he makes a necklace, everything that goes on it means something.  This is what he told me about the turquoise.  This is according to native american legend, but I'm not sure which nation.  He says that turquoise, is for protection.  And that if you are wearing it, and are in a life threatening situation.... that if the turquoise "blows up" - shatters... breaks in half.... the belief is that you just escaped death - that the turquoise "gave it's life" for you. 

Now, mind you, I'm a Christian type gal.... though I do consider myself very open minded, and more spiritual than anything.  I won't go into it, I don't want to cause problems lol.  But......... I love lore... and I love hearing about legends, and the beliefs, and the legends of the properties of different stones and things.  Mostly, because I should have been a geologist.  And no, they don't go into that.  But... I never thought of a stone, as something that could have healing properties.  Not that I believe it... but I think it's very interesting.  The whole chakra balancing thing - colors... stones... all that.  And it's very touching to me, that my brother would spend so much time, building this beautiful piece of art for me.  I will try to attach a pic so you can see it. :)  And hey - if it will help with my transformation (the lingam supposedly helps with that) and the turquoise can offer the idea of protection, I say why not - I can use all the help I can get these days! lol!  And of course, in all seriousness - the Lord God is my strength, my salvation.  I don't worship any of this stuff, I just find it interesting. 

There are things though, that I really do believe, because I have experienced them in real life.  An example of this, was after my accident that left me paralyzed... one of the treatments I tried, was something called "reiki".  Which translates to "energy work".  Now I know... bunk right?  But it was the most amazing sensation - like someone was taking a rolling pin with little shock waves, and rolling it up and down my back.  After that treatment, I didn't hurt for several days.  My friend did this for free - didn't charge - and that's another reason that I allowed myself to be open to it - they weren't trying to "scam" me.  But a bigger example.......... swimming in Hawaii, in the bay with the wild dolphins.  There have been studies, where children and adults alike, have gone into the water for "dolphin" therapy.... it's said that their sonar, the way the communicate to each other, bounces through the water and basically it's an electrical current.  So these people spend time in the water with the dolphins, and their clicking and squeeling and their sonar resonates through the water, but also through the people.  Relieving pain, stress, and they've shown some amazing progress with these people.  I can attest to this first hand......... when I swam out to meet the dolphins, which I really didn't believe would show up at the time - 3 miles out in the water mind you.... and no dolphins in site.  And the guide kept saying, they're coming, be patient.  And soon, here they came..... 3 seperate pods... one from each direction straight for us.  We were surrounded by approx. 150 dolphins!!!!  Moms and babies.... swimming around us, and under us, and we were in the middle of their circle.  They would come up to you, and one even played with us with a leaf we brought out.  It was unbelievable.  But I digress.  What was truly unbelievable?  You really could feel their sonar!!!! You could feel the electrical pulses "hitting" you in the water.... as they talked to each other.  There was no fear.... only joy, and of course I'm sure that's because I was so blown away.  But after getting out, my back didn't hurt for 4 days!!!  I didn't have to take any pain meds, and at that time, I relied on the meds to even get out of bed.  It was insane.. and a bit spooky.  I had heard about this, but never really believed it - same with the reiki.  And whats interesting, is that being with the dolphins, had the same sensation as the reiki did.  Like little gentle electrical pulses - with the dolphins, my entire body just "buzzed".  Underwater, you could hear all their clicking and squeeling and whistles.  I will never forget it as long as I live.  There was no pain when I was in the water - and yes, much of that was because I was so bouyant, but the strange pulsing completely seemed to block the pain. 

I am still a skeptic.  But I can't deny what I felt in the water, and how I felt for days afterwards.  I'm sure a lot of it, was just the incredible high of being in the water, surrounded by these huge beautiful creatures.  It was the most peaceful, loving feeling - there was no fear, and if I'd really thought about it, I should have been petrified - swimming 3 miles out from shore... no life jacket... no kickboard.... only flippers and a snorkel.  But that's how bouyant the saltwater is there.  Not to mention the sharks... which I didn't even think about until after it was all over.  I would have been in deep trouble if a shark had shown up, though they say that sharks and dolphins, don't go near each other, because the dolphins will kick their butts.  I wonder though, if that applies when humans are in the water with them. 

So I guess my blog is very "metaphysical" today.  If you want to see some of my brothers amazing work, he is an acclaimed artist in Arizona, with his pieces in galleries there.  He makes something he calls "Industrial Tribal Art".  He goes out into the desert, collecting old scraps of metal, stones, dried cactus :skeletons"... (can't remember the type of cactus, but looks like a hollow stick with holes in it)... he uses skulls and teeth that he finds... feathers... porcupine quills... and he creates these incredible sculptures - many are of "kachina" dolls.  They are stunning, and really interesting.  They aren't for everyone... some are pretty bizzare... he has one that he calls "wren from hell",... made of cactus and driftwood - the wood, resembles a wren... he put a ruby in for it's eye... uses silver and beads, whatever he finds in the desert and then adds his own gemstones - this one is a lamp.  You can see it on his page.. but it really does look like an angry wren with teeth.  (And I got him the teeth at the Pike Place Market - they are from a Monkfish!)  That's another story in itself... he promised to make me a very cool necklace if I would go to the market, and get monkfish teeth!  That was quite the experience, which I won't go into the details, but I will NEVER do that again lol.  The house smelled like fish soup for days, trying to get the jaws cleaned up so I could mail them to him! LOL!  So gross!  But it was worth it to him, and he's sold his sculputres to museums and private art dealers for thousands of dollars.  His website is  www.dragonflydaze.com  and his name is Buggs Kowalski.  He's a total hippy - I love him to death, and even though he's 18 years my senior, you'd think he was in his 20's the way he acts.  Talk about someone who lives life to the fullest - he's an amazing musician as well as an artist.. and I know I got many of my talents from him. 

Blah blah blah... this got way off track!  But I'm trying to say I had an amazing birthday.  Today it's back to solid JC for the next few days, then off to the Hood Canal.  Maybe I'll find some monkfish teeth for my brother on the beach. lol.  Not that I'd touch one that washed up...... ugh!!!!!  But maybe some sand dollars lol.  That's more my speed. 

I'm off to start my very busy day............... Love to all of you!!!!  I'm going to try to post a pic of my necklace.  Also, if you're interested in learning more about the shiva lingam stones, you can do a search for shiva lingam, and you'll find many sites telling the origin and legends.  Oh, and what he told me about the turquoise..... this is according to native american lore, not sure which nation - but turquoise is a stone of protection.  And it's said, that if you are wearing it, and are in a life threatening situation, say a car wreck or something... and the turquoise breaks, or shatters, or comes apart in any way.... it's believed that you just "dodged a bullet" - in other words, you should have died.  But the turquoise gave itself to protect you. 

Beautiful thought.  :)  But I still rely on God for that kind of thing!!!! :)

xoxoxo

Trish

Answered Prayers :)

Good Evening!

I hope all of you are having a great start to the new week.  I went to JC today and got food for the week - I've opted for 5-2 this week; Five days on, 2 days on my own.  I know this week will be a bit challenging, with stress, but more because tomorrow is my birthday, and I know we're going out to my favorite Pacific Northwest waterfront restaurant.  The good thing with that, is that good choices abound... it will be fine. :)  But let me tell you - I deserve a night out!  I am very excited, and hope that my expectations of the evening aren't too high...

Today has been an answer to prayer.  Thank you to all of you who have prayed for my Mom.  We learned today, that because Mom can take 10 steps on her own... that her insurance will not allow her to go to a nursing home. Now, I understand why they wanted to do this... but to mom, it was a death sentence, pure and simple.  I was doing the happy dance all afternoon.  They will keep her a couple more days, in hopes that things will help her get a little stronger - they've determined that most of the aches and pains, are actually depression.  I could have told them that!  But no one would listen to me... back when my dad passed.  I've been trying to tell them... and Mom won't.  So...

Plan is, for her to come home in a couple more days.  Nurse will visit 2-3 times a week.  New meds... including an antidepressant, which pleases me.  They should have considered that over a year ago - she might have been doing ok by now.  But either way, finally, they have figured it out.  She still has irregular heart rythms... but she always has.  She's always delt with them ok, and got along fine.  But it's truly this depression - losing everyone she grew up with and loves.. and holding it in.. ignoring it... pushing it back, or "stuffing" as my psychiastrist at one point told me.  I am no stranger to depression - and I think it's interesting that no one would listen when I suspected this had something to do with it.  But again... finally... they may be on to something.  Counseling is also part of the deal.  Which she really could benefit from - an outside source, impartial, to talk about her concerns.  She hasn't ever had that.  It will be a stretch for her... but I feel confident it will be helpful. 

And so.... this is a true answer to prayer.  I laid it all down at God's feet... because I couldn't bear the thought of having to make that decision, and knowing that to Mom, a nursing home, was basically suicide for her.  I talked to her tonight, and though she's still angry that she's in the hospital (she is very fiesty!) ,... I am more than pleased that they can't admit her to the nursing home.  She's far too well ... but it's too soon, so they're keeping her a couple more days.  If she understands this, can wrap her head around it, she might finally understand, that this is physical symptoms, caused by her stress and her grief.. that once she finally starts to address it.. it will relieve the "pressure".  But we're also talking about an 84 yr. old firecracker of a woman, who doesn't believe that therapy is for anyone.  Instead, you stuff your feelings... you ignore it... you pretend it didn't happen.  All the while, battling the pain that you can't suppress. 

I can't help but doing the happy dance.......... and I feel if my sis had part in this, she's been defeated........ but honestly, when I think about it... I know it wasn't her pushing this.  Long story... I know it was the hospital... but also someone else, who I won't even waste time mentioning. 

Right after that call, I got a big package in the mail......... from my dear beloved brother...... he made me the most beautiful turquoise necklace you'll ever see.  At the base - the center piece... features a Lingham stone... hard to explain.  But it's said that the Goddess Shiva wore them.  They supposedly "balance" the male and female energy... has to do with feeling confident and beautiful ... and yes, sexy. lol.  I can't explain, you'll have to look it up, but it's a tibetan thing.  My brother is a huge hippy... groovy eastern thinking kind of guy..,. very "hip and now'... even though he's 62 - and 18 years my senior.  I love him with all my heart.  He also sent me a couple cd's... one was the Scissor Sisters... if you like Elton John, The Bee Gees, George Michael, and Pink Floyd... it's all those rolled into one!  They are amazing.  The other was Corrine Bailely Rae... she's phenominal.  So I was a happy girl.  So happy, that when DS#1 walked in tonight,  I said, "Guess What?!!" (Giddy that Mom couldn't be sent to the "home"..) .. and his friend laughed and said, "um.... you've been doing mushrooms all afternoon???" !!!!!  Apparently, I was a little more happy than usual!

I also did my weights for upper body today... followed my plan well, and am cooking my pizza (JC) as we speak.  After that, a little more excersize, and then I'm hitting the hot tub.... even though I spoke to my brother, I know that he'll call at Midnight... it's a tradition!!!!

I just want to thank all of you for your prayers.  They've been answered.  Praise God.... and please continue to pray... she's not out of this yet, but now, finally, some solid hope.  And no nursing home!  Yes!!!!!  I don't care if they call it a rehab center... unfortunately, ... she's convinced it's a death sentance, and you might as well just walk her to the nearest electric chair, rather than go there.  I just hope she'll be "good", and drink her water.. and do what she needs to do to get better. 

Whoa... apparently a tornado hit our state... and 2 men were hit by lightning?? That doesn't happen here.... especially tornadoes...... yikes.

Yes, I'm happy. :) 

Love and Light, and Praise God!!!

Trish :)

Sunday Musings

Well, I was happy to see that this week wasn't really the disaster I thought it was.  I managed to maintain this week, despite some bad choices, and hey, some good ones too. :)

The 30 day shred is pretty amazing - and actually, I've decided that the ballet workout is believe it or not, harder!!!  But I'll take them both!

I didn't get back to Jenny today - Mom is back in the hospital again.  She's not doing so well, more than anything she's very depressed.  But she is very fiesty, and as long as she's feisty, there's hope.  She was actually moved from ICU to a normal room today, and that's progress.  But I hate being so far away from her, especially when she's feeling so alone.  No easy solutions to this one, I just have to keep faith.  She's in good hands, and I need to trust that.

I did go out today and get a yoga matt, that will help with the floor portion of the 30 day shred... the floor was pretty uncomfortable, and using a blanket, not such a good idea - I slip all over the place! lol.  I also bought a set of 3 pound hand weights, and so I'm uber prepared now for the weight training part as well.  And I do love weights!  I was going to go with 5 lb, but thought I should go easy at first, then move up to the 5 pounders.

Today was in the low 90's... and in the last couple hours, I've watched the rain clouds come in fast.  But the relief will be nice :)  Tomorrow I'm going to go to JC and get my week of food, and just continue to work the excersize.  I think I got fast food, and pizza and ice cream out of my system for another 2 months, so we're good to go.  Tuesday is my birthday, so that could prove challenging.  But it will be exciting to go out for dinner - it's been a long time.  And we'll be going to a great seafood place, so I plan to have that.  It's the type of place with a beautiful view of Puget Sound, where we can go for a nice pre or post dinner walk - or both - and I'll be able to make good choices.  I think it actually helped to have a week off - I didn't go overboard, other than the first day or so, and was able to rein it back in.  So yes, I can do this, I proved it to myself this week.  Even though I didn't have a loss, that 4 pound gain I was freaking out about dissapeared almost as fast as it came on.  So life is good, and I'm ready for the next stage.

Hope all of you are having a great weekend, and ready for a new and successful week!  Any fun plans for the 4th?  I think we may go to the Hoods Canal with some friends - lots of sun, water and yes - seafood!  I do love me some crab - especially when you catch it yourself! 

Talk to you soon!

Trish :)

How to gain 4 pounds in 5 days...

Yes, you heard that right.  Simply go off your program.  Yeesh.  Make sure that you don't drink your water, and by all means, don't excersize.

A little too much of "testing the waters".  And the number one killer of weight loss - alchohol.  In any shape or form.   I'm so annoyed at myself for breaking my own rules.  I don't know what I expected, but this was just diet suicide.  Last night resulted in an all out binge. 

I am seriously feeling discouraged.  And you know, I set myself up for failure from the start of this week.  "I don't know if I can do it.. blah blah blah", whine whine whine... oh! Wine.  Wine, and cheese.  Wine and cheese and smoked salmon, and how about some cereal?  I should have just had the damn hamburger and let it go at that - when will I learn????  It solves nothing to have good intentions, and then want something, and then try to eat something else fairly decadent to appease - when you really wanted that burgur in the first place.  Cause guess what?  You'll end up eating out the house trying to find a replacement - and then you're really in trouble. 

Myth:  Wine does NOT relax you.  It makes you eat cheese and smoked salmon, and cereal.  See above. 

So after a stare down with the scale this morning, my pennance is to do the 30 day shred this morning.  Not that I'll actually get off the couch.... and after work, I'm making a beeline to Jenny.  This too shall pass, and I guess it was just a matter of time before I had a full blown all out situation.  I haven't planned.  I haven't put it on paper.  I was overconfident and afraid at the same time, and figured I could just "handle" it.  I can see how easily this can come back on, and it's not a good feeling at all.  I guess the good news is that I can't wait to go back on the regular menu plan.  Maybe this is what I needed to give me that final push through. 

I still don't know what to do about my lack of excersize motivation.  In the morning, the last thing I want to do is get up.  If I get up at 4:30, I'm ok.  If I wait and try to get up at 8, forget it... I'll sleep until 9:30- even 10:00 if I took my shower the night before, then get up and fly off to work.  The night before I stay up too late - that's my "quiet" time.  And that's when I have the energy to workout - but then everyone is asleep, and I'm afraid to make too much noise.  This morning I am up early - 4:30, so I'm getting quiet time now, which I really like.  And I won't disturb anyone by turning up the dvd and jumping around.  I just think it's weird, that I have no trouble getting up at 4... but if I try to get up at 8, I hit the snooze 50 times for the next hour or so.  Makes no sense to me at all.  And I've had enough of this nonsense, and now I'm just mad.

So.  New goals today. 

• Get up at 5am - regardless
• have quiet time, then hit the dvd for excersize
• drink one bottle of water (big sippy bottle) by 8am
• Excersize from 7 - 8am
• 8AM EAT BREAKFAST!
• Slam another bottle of water
• drink #2 before leaving for work.
• No more than 2 cups of coffee!!!!

So that's what I'm going to work on the rest of the week - weekend or not.  And right now, I am lacing up my tennies, and going to attempt the big "shred". 

Hope you guys are doing better than I am!!!!!

xoxo

Trish

Try try again...

Day 5 on my own... and not doing so well.  I don't think I've been that "terrible", but I'm up 2 pounds.  Again.  Part of it, is having things I haven't had for over 2 months.  The biggest part is just not planning.  There is no reason why I shouldn't be able to continue to lose, or at least maintain.  I've put so much pressure on myself to do that, that I have done something to mess up the day every day this week.  Yesterday was the worst, and really, it shouldn't be so bad, but it resulted in this mornings gain.  We had McSatan for dinner last night.  Granted, alot of the show on the scale this morning has to be sodium.  I had a quarter pounder - in my head I'm saying, you have the week off... you haven't had one in 3 months.. it's ok... but apparently it's not.  Will I never be able to have a fast food hamburger again, without this happening?  This my friends, is a little discouraging.  The rest of the day, I ate Jenny Food - left over this and that... but the portions were pretty close.  The hamburger definitely put things over.  But really?  That much?  In one day? 

The other days, it's been little stuff, but dinner is the culprit.  I made good choices, but I think there's just so much sodium in this stuff.  Chicken breasts the first night - grilled - but the packaged kind with lemon pepper.  No skin, and only ate 1/4 of a breast... less than 1/4 cup plain rice, and 2 cups steamed veggies.  That shouldn't be that bad.  But the sodium must be off the hook.  Then the next day, hot dogs.  Now that's NOT good... and this is the type of things we end up eating through the week when I'm not in charge. 

Problem is, to me, nothing sounds good at all.  So I just gave in and went with it.  If it hadn't been McD's last night, it would have been pizza.  We always have at least that one night, where there's no "decent" food in the house, and no one wants to bother with cooking anything.  It's hot, and it's late, and we just want sleep - and the boys want pizza or fast food of some sort. 

This is the challenge.  I have to find some things that I can prepare.  If I don't change this rut of what we fall into, this weight will come right back on.  It's frustrating - everywhere I look, everything is full of fat and sodium.  Still - there has to be a way to make healthier dinners, that aren't difficult.  Seafood is out, no one else will eat it unfortunately.  And eldest DS has pretty much sworn off chicken - not because it's bad, because of the way they treat the chickens.  Good grief.  I said, how exactly do you think they treat the cows?!!!  But he doesn't want to see that...  for some reason he's partial to the chickens at this time.  I think he was just tired of eating chicken all the time. 

And it's day 4... and I have to figure out what to fix for dinner tonight.  After this gain, I'm just lost.  Again I know it's because of poor choices.  Does anyone have any ideas out there for lowfat, good, anything for dinner?  I have to be honest - I haven't even looked at my food group boxes.  A combo of lazy, and knowing that next week is my birthday week, that I have vacation next week, and that I'm just tired of "dieting".  But that's the most dangerous time.  I'm also not drinking my water.  Or excersizing - not since I killed myself with the ballet workout.  Today - I can finally move again, so I will get excersize in tonight.  I still have time to undo this.....but the bigger pic is trying to figure out how to eat on my own!!!!  I'm still afraid of it, and don't even want to think about it........... and this is what happens if you don't. 

Suggestions??? Ideas?   Something good in hot weather.. something fairly easy, and not too expensive.  (yeah, that's the other problem - why is everything that's half way decent for you, so darn expensive??)

Love you guys!!!!

xoxoxo

Trish

PS.. Mom seems to be doing really well. :)  Still pretty tired, but she's moving around and getting in the garden on occasion!  It will take some time, but she's doing better. :)

Hmm... results already?!!

Ok.  I've been whining for the past 2 days about this ballet workout - that to be clear, I've only gotten through once lol.  Yesterday, I could barely walk, and today, because I couldn't, I'm even stiffer and more sore. 

But........... (and a not so big butt anymore!)......

I just got a dress on, that I have never been able to wear!!!  I have had this dress, hanging in the closet with the tags on, since I bought it!  It's a jersey knit type dress, that buttons all the way down.  Every time I've tried it on, between the buttons it has had gaps.  Today I tried it on, and I can't believe it - NO GAPS!!!  I feel so good - and I feel, oddly, smaller today.  (which is what prompted me to try it on).  I swear, could it be from that ballet workout? One day, and I'm leaner all over?  But I couldn't wear this dress last week - and now I can.  So I guess I won't hang up the ballet slippers just yet - maybe the pain is worth the gain - (or the loss in this case!)

This week will be a challenge.  I'm really nervous about it.  I am completely on my own this week - no Jenny Craig.  No, I'm not quitting - but circumstances this week have changes, and I am going to have to go it on my own this week.  And I'm not happy with just maintaining - I want a loss next week when I go in.  I haven't been on "my own food" since I started this thing, and I know how to plan it.  But I am really nervous about doing that.  Mostly, that I just won't plan, and I'll try to wing it.  So I'm going to write out the weeks plan when I finish this, and hope that I can do this.  I know it will be ok, and it will be good to have a "break" from the JC foods - but that doesn't mean I'm taking a break from the "program" by any means.

I will try to check in more often this week as a result - because that really does help me.  The hardest part, will be, being honest about what I'm doing.  I can already tell that I'm wanting to go a little crazy on the real food, but why?  It's always going to be there, and I want this weight OFF!!!

So wish me luck - and I'll be checking all your blogs for a little extra motivation!  Especially in the excersize dept.! 

Have a great week!

xoxoxo

Trish :)

I'm Blonde, and Beautiful, and I Can't Walk.....

Ok.  Anyone even THINKING about trying that ballet dvd?  Hello.... run.  Run fast, and away from the dvd. 

I got my hair done, I have beautiful blonde Carrie Underwood type hair.. lol.  Almost a little too blonde - almost looked like I was wearing a wig - poofy!!! But I like it, (no it doens't look like a wig anymore).  It is different though.

But I digress.  Back to Ballet 101... I can't even walk today!  Can you believe that?  I walk, I bellydance, I do pilates, I try ballet, and I can't walk!  I may die.  It's true.   And I learned something today.  Remember how I talk about "acting" like a thin person? lol.  Well, let's reiterate.  Acting, the way you would act at your goal weight.  Now for me, after studying how (and percieved be me..) thin people act... flash to watching "Legally Blonde".  I was thinking about this, and this might be a great strategy.  So I'm watching this, thinking about when I'm depressed, I want to eat.  Comfort food right?  Ok.  That's the old me.  So how would a "thin" person act when they're upset?  Well, in watching Legally Blonde, Elle, though she did succumb to ice cream in bed, did something brilliant.  Instead of drowing herself in a hamburger or a big ice cream sundae, instead?  She drives straight to the mani-pedi salon.  Now that's brilliant.  Why haven't I thought of that?  In an "emergency" situation, instead of food, she turns to something that makes her feel better, and lasts, and not on her hips!

All kidding aside - she's on to something.  You know that I believe, that you need to believe it, to see it.  There's something in us, that makes us "act like ourselves".  And something in us, always goes back to that, to make sure that we are acting "like ourselves".  There comes a point where we may change, and now we have to add that new behavior into our belief of ourself, which isn't always easy.   So we have to work on the new behaviors, until it becomes something "like us" - if that makes sense.  i.e., it's like me to choose a manicure over a meatloaf sandwich to make me feel better.  The next trick - to actually buy into it.  When we do finally buy into it, we'll automatically start to act that way in that type of situation.  Now, granted, I'm not saying, go get a manicure.  (though, hey, not a bad idea if you can!) -  but insert your own thing there. 

The more we start acting like we WANT to become... the faster we'll get there.

As for me?  I am not quite buying into ballet as a future for me lol.  I need to go take some more ibuprofin, and sit in the hot tub.... good grief.

xoxo

Trish